Some Thoughts and Feelings

The past few weeks have given me cause to think A LOT ! I will just give you a run down of some of the happenings as of late.

Around the middle of November Dan finally got word that he could start telecommuting. This had been in the works for several months. They would say, "probably next week" every week, until I think Dan had finally given up, at which point they said he could do it. This has been nice. While I know he is just downstairs, I also know that he is working. I just feel a sort of security in having him there. Just in case he is needed, he would be able to be right here. Not to mention that it has cut our gas usage in half. The only downfall, as you can see from the previous post, is that he hasn't shaved in weeks, and doesn't feel it necessary to get a haircut. While I understand this, I really don't like the beard, and he says no, but he really doesn't look good. That said, I love him, even if he has a beard and unkept hair. I just wish he wasn't so scratchy and he didn't make my face itch. Obviously I am no longer alone in this beard hating. At least I have Carl.

Another thing I have been pondering a lot lately. I am told all of the time that I have some special ability that makes it so I get the challenges I do. While deep down I know that this is true, and that I will never be given more than I can handle, remembering it has become particularly hard lately. I really do feel priviledged that God would entrust me with caring for a child with special needs, it is hard to watch that child try to learn to deal with things themself. It becomes very hard to see that you are a good mother when things you never thought your child would do happen, and they don't mean it and can't fix it. There has not been anything horrible happen, but it is hard when it looks like they are losing their dignity and all I can do it watch and try to get them help to fix it. This is very close to the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I love my children, all of them, but for one of them it is not easy to understand what that means.

I AM SICK OF BEING SICK !! I know, I say this all of the time. Really, it is so overwhelming sometimes that I could just give up. I try to not be stressed, but then I am stressed because I'm trying not to be. Although I know that stress plays a part in this entire problem, I wish that the docs and others would quit focusing on the stress and fix the underlying problem. They keep finding bits and pieces of things and I am obviously really messed up physically, but I need some concrete answers instead of band aids. I can't get better until I can be setteled that the docs have done something to help me. I know, sounds bad, but that is how I feel.

OK, that is enough whining for now. Hopefully I can post something nice next time.

-Christy