Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Viva Las Vegas!!!!

So, the last post that I wrote was on June 21st and it was of this...
Photo: Its real! Let the offers start rolling in!

That had happen on that day and it was a huge decision and scary and just about any other adjective you can think of describing a huge change in our lives. Five days later we had an offer and our house was sold. We were thrilled that things had worked the way they did as we were selling for very close to what we had wanted to get and it was all just about as perfect and easy as you could ever believe. You know the old saying "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is", well this means a whole different thing to us now. I will go back to this later. 

Dan had been given notice that he could transfer to the St George office in January so that is what we went forth with. He will commute until something comparable comes through for him here. We thought, OK, we will put the house up for sale and see what happens and hope to have it sold in time to move so that Aubree and Jake could start school at the beginning of the school year. Well, our 25th anniversary was on the 8th of July and we had been planning a trip to Vegas for a few days to celebrate. This trip also turned into a job interview and house hunting. It was then that we found our house here. Dan had been in contact with a Realtor that helped find rentals as well and he was really good. We saw several houses with several different price ranges but this one felt like home (to me anyway) from the moment we stepped in it. I felt very sure of my interview and was comfortable that I would have a job so we decided to go for it. Plus, with the pending sell of the UT house we could pay off most of our other things so it would be affordable. Well, lets just say that because of a really bad mortgage company (I've hated them from the beginning) not doing what they said they were and the jobs I thought I had, still being up in the air, we are now somewhat stressed. We should know better, nothing ever happens for us without a fight and us having to regroup and redo, but we are here, at least most of us, and happy and loving our new house. Here are a few pics...

 Obviously above is the outside. Top right is from the corner of the room from the front. This is just the "Living Room". It has like 20 ft ceilings. There are tons of windows which I love. It's just so open!
 To the left is from the front corner looking toward the tv room and kitchen/dining. The hallway to the left is the laundry room and Megan bedroom/bath. 

Above is the opposite corner to the front. There is a bathroom and the door to the garage to the right front. There are tons more. There is a huge kitchen and a giant back yard (which Chandler loves). I will try and post more pics soon, but I can't retrieve them right now. The comment was made the other day that we could almost put our entire UT house in just the two rooms on the one side of this house. It probably isn't actually that big, but it is nice and definitely different. 

It would be very ungrateful of me to not express the love I have for Dan and the fact that all of this has been done in large part for me. I was dreading another winter healthwise and had many other issues going on in UT. I have felt like we needed to be here for a very long time and it has been a struggle and a point of disagreement between us for a while. I believe though that we are here for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know, but I am starting to really feel as though in the end, it will be because there is something here for Dan, which in turn makes things better for us. He is sacrificing so much right now for us and really always has, but I feel like things are about to change for the good. They really already have, but as always as it is for us, we have to fight to get to it. It's our turn to be happy and have a chance to excel. We can spread our wings here in a way we couldn't in UT. We are missing Dan a lot and he is missing us, but all will hopefully come together soon so we can be altogether again.  Kyler has chosen to stay in UT and is moving into an apartment with friends. He has to do it sometime. I hope it works out for him. He did come down last week and help us get moved in and then returned with Dan on Sunday. 

Well, there is a lot more to say and many more pics, but that will have to be on another post sometime in the near future. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014


Well, if there is any one sure thing in life, it's change. This one is so exciting...and scary...and exciting...and terrifying! At least we finally came to a decision and things are seeming to come together for us. All we can do is hope it continues. 

This happened today...

Photo: Its real! Let the offers start rolling in!

No, Chandler Bing, the dog, does not go with the house. He has just become very clingy to me since he came back from the quarantine, so the fact that I was outside made it so he needed to be as well. He has been a sort of snappy as well since returning. I have wondered if something happened to him while he was there or with the police man or whether this is simply because he was in solitary away from any other contact for 10 days and feels nervous that it will happen again. At any rate, he is biting more now than before and we are looking for obedience classes to "nip" this in the bud...pun intended. He really is a good dog. Not sure what has triggered all of this behavior. Makes me sad. 

Anyway... We are doing a major "blitz" as Dan calls it and getting the house ready for showings. We know there are a few things that are not perfect, but we will get them as good as we can and hope there is someone out there who wants to buy our house anyway ;-) I have already seen a few people taking down the number. We saw out neighbors family looking at the sign and writing things down, so hopefully this happens quickly. Our hope is that the house will sell quickly so we can get our new place in order to be there for Aubree and Jake to start out the new school year in their new schools. 

Tonight it seems a little surreal. Somewhat emotional to me. I am thrilled to be finally moving on with this new stage of our lives, but this has been our home for a long time and it is kind of like leaving a part of our lives behind. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled beyond explanation to finally not have to hurt all of the time and be able to spread my wings and be me, just a little sad to leave what has been a part of us for a long time. 11 years in this house and 5 1/2 in the place across the street. It's a pretty huge life change. One that has been a long time coming though. 

With this move, comes some interesting new stresses for Kyler and Megan. They are now adults, working jobs and have to make several decisions about their lives. Do they stay here and keep their jobs and take the leap of living on their own in a completely different state than the rest of us, or do they make the move and get jobs in the new place. Do they leave their friends and comfort zones? Lots of decisions for them. Aubree is excited to get a fresh start in a new place and is raring to go. Jake is coming around. He was very worried that he would not be able to play football if we moved, but we have let him search for houses and things and contribute that way and is very thorough in his research and while looking at some of this places and found which school he would go to and found football at all of them ;-) Only thing he has found not so great is that there is only German offered at some schools. He now looks for those schools. He took German last year and is really liking it. He wants to be able to talk with Anna in German and her family as well. I think letting him be involved in some of the decisions is a good things and he is finally getting excited. Not that he would let you know this at this time. 

Well, this is what is going on right now in our lives. We are in limbo, but a good limbo and a focus on the future. It does look promising...FINALLY, and we are working hard to keep our eyes on the goal, even though we are exhausted with moving already, and have only moved in to a storage unit...LOL! It is a lot easier when you see  good things in your future. 

Please wish us luck in our endeavors and send anyone you know who wants a house our way ;-) 


Friday, June 6, 2014

Venturing Into New Scary Places...

Well, I feel sort of like a fish out of water. I now have 2 adult children that are out of high school. I am feeling pretty old and not sure what I'm doing a good share of the time. 

The last few weeks have had some ups and downs. When I say ups and downs, I mean huge high peaks and very deep pits. I don't like roller all. I do fine sometimes dealing with everything and then some days I really just want it to all be over. 

So Kyler was working out in South Carolina as an Installing Technician for Vivint. He seemed to be doing pretty well for the first part and really liking his job. He did however have several things happen while he was there and these things really caused his experience there to go bad in a hurry. When he went out there he was thinking he would be making quite a lot of money and things would be good, but what happened was that he was not getting as many installs as previously thought and his power steering went out, which he repaired himself thank goodness, something went wrong with something he had to patch up to keep things cool, and then the big one was when his clutch went out. Between not getting the jobs and having all of these things happen. I was decided that he would come home and look for something here. None of us could afford for him to stay any longer. He really wanted to stick it out and succeed at this job, but it was better for all for him to come home. Whether he stayed or not or whatever the reasons are or not, we are proud of him for taking this leap and doing his best to make it work. This was an experience he should chalk up as a learning experience that just didn't work out the way we had all hoped and planned. Dan made a quick trip from SLC to Charlotte, NC on the 1st of June and they drove home and arrived safely on Wednesday the 3rd very early in the morning. Kyler got up and went to work for Rick that morning (thank you for this) and is looking for other opportunities while keeping busy. 

So there was one of the lower points...

Dan started back working at Vivint. This has an up and down. He works in the same dept as Megan and I and the extra income is a good thing, but we don't see him very often and we miss him at home.

On May 30th, Megan graduated from Timpanogos High School
There are really not any words that can explain how unbelievably proud we are, but I think the picture above sort of explains it. It was touch and go as to whether she would make it 72 hours before this picture was taken, but she did it, she pushed through and worked hard for the entire year and now she has reaped the reward. We had a huge BBQ in her honor the next day and it was a huge success. She started full time at her job 3 days later and is feeling pretty good right now. We are thrilled for her and so proud. 

So, that was a high point...

On Monday, a neighbor came by to give Megan a graduation gift and while talking to me, mentioned how cute our dog was and reached to pet him at which point he felt threatened for some reason and bit her. She was worried about diseases and had it checked and Utah state law is that whenever there is a dog bite  that results in a visit to a dr it must be reported to the police. Well, long story short, the dog committed a crime, was arrested and taken in to jail (quarantine for 10 days) and we had to pay his bail of $200 to hopefully get him back when his sentence is up. We miss him terribly, but are working on a plan to help him not bite and be trained a little better when he comes home. I was very unpleased with the police officer. He was very rude to me and kept reminding me how "vicious" my dog was. He is not vicious, he was startled somehow. I'll just be glad to get him back and move on with our lives. I really miss him, and so does everyone in the house...including the cats. In the meantime, Jake got really sick with a fever and was in bed thinking he was going to die for 3 days. All while Dan was on his way home with Kyler. 

That was a low point...

Aubree has been working a lot more hours lately. She is not really enjoying her job, but she does enjoy getting paid, so our hope is that she will be able to settle in and be happy, or else find something else. She worked hard and managed to pull all of her grades up in the last term and passed them all last term. She plans to hopefully get her drivers permit later today.

Poor Jake. He did something very noteworthy during this time and while it wasn't forgotten or unnoticed, it did sort of get overlooked. I think he felt bad for a day or two, but we hope he understood that with Megan graduating, it was her time to get some attention. After trying all year and narrowly missing it every term, he finally achieved a 4.0 grade point average. His cumulative for the year was 3.94! I don't think I every achieved any of those, or even close ever in jr or high school! I did get a 4.0 a couple times in college though.  He is a good kid and works hard to get good grades and I hope he knows we are proud of him and his efforts. We have told him this, but hope he didn't feel too overlooked with Megan's graduation. He did all of this while recovering from a fairly bad knee injury. He is an accident prone person. We are all very grateful that his knee was not injured as bad as originally thought. If it had, we were looking at surgery and more than likely no more football, which would have devastated him.

So there was a high point...and a low at times. But I have been trying to focus on the high ones.

 I have been having an increasingly hard time trying to deal with the state of this state in regards to so many things. The reactions of many (the majority really) over many things has been very saddening to me. I really have felt that there is so much quite literal hatred thrown around here that it is ruining what is supposed to be a wonderful place. I know of many people who have spent their entire lives trying to get to this place to sit at the feet of the people here, only to be disappointed at the hatred and general meanness. Now I'm not saying everyone is this way and there are many good people, but I'm afraid that it would be a highly disappointing view to anyone from the outside looking in, possibly looking for some place to feel at peace. I have very strong opinions now that I have left the church, about how many people are treated. I, like that bishop somewhere in Utah did, have sort of done some experiments to see what happens. What I have found out is simply sad and depressing. A while back a conversation at work had turned to tattoos. One of the members of the group expressed their dismay for tattoos in general, even going as far as to say that people with them were insecure and ruining their bodies. When one of my coworkers mentioned that I had one, this person literally turned and walked away from me and didn't speak to me for several days. Yesterday I wore a shirt that showed just a very small part of my tattoo. This person still wouldn't even look at me. Today, I wore one that shows the entire thing. I have caught many looking and being shocked that I have it. I will say though, so far, that I know of, the only person who has really been upset is the before mentioned one. They still don't even want to speak to me. I wore this same shirt to Jake's band concert last month. It was a very hard experience for me to have to go through, but people that have been my "friends" for years, saw my tattoo and couldn't even form a sentence to speak to me. Since then, I have been ostracized by several more of my neighbors/friends. All because they saw my tattoo. I didn't do or say anything, all it took to offend or scare or do whatever to them was for me to get a tattoo on myself. If it was of daffy duck or something I might understand some of the reaction, but mine is very symbolic and very important to me. Maybe understand before you freak out. It doesn't send out evil vibes or the plague or anything. I am still me, just with a little extra ink ;-)

I read an article this afternoon that really disturbed me. I won't share it or it's subject on here so as to not start anything, but it really hit me how mean and toxic this place has become. I feel that everyone, myself included, should take more care in themselves and not try so hard to take care of everyone else's lives. Everyone is different and on a different path and with different directions and way to get there. This does not mean any one of them are wrong, just different. We need to accept people for what and who they are and for their differences and not be so insistent on everything going the way we want. Let people do what they please and we do what we please. Live and let live. Only then will peace a love actually abound. Be there for others, when they need you, not when you feel they should need you. Love everyone for who they are. Anyway, you get the picture. I just don't know how much longer I can live in the toxic hatred that is around us everywhere. Yes, every place has it's problems, but things in this place are pretty scary and sad lately. 

Anyway, I'll stop spouting off now. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading. 


Monday, May 19, 2014

And the Fun Continues...

Well, there are currently 12 days to graduation. Megan is working hard and I have every confidence all will be fine, but she is freaking me out sometimes ;-). Seminary graduation Was today. (Yes, Megan has attended 4 years of seminary and loved it) She has earned every bit of it.) People have this idea that when Dan and I left the church, we dragged our kids with us kicking and screaming. I fact it has been just the opposite. We told them that it would be there choice always and that we would support them in whatever choice they made regarding religion. Kyler tried to attend the singles ward and I think felt OK with it. Megan has attended seminary faithfully, but not church. She gets tired just like me of over zealous  people thinking they know the word of the almighty and can speak for him.  It's been sad to watch how Dan and I leaving the church made everyone, or at least a majority, of people not be able to understand that we didn't fall off the deep end and we don't now send out evil vibes. With all of the issues I/we have with the church, we are proud of her for going faithfully for 4 years to seminary and earning her diploma. I don't know what she is going to do regarding moving forward in the church or not, but for the last 4 years, I believe that seminary provided her with a place to feel like she was accomplishing something. Kyler as well graduated from 4 years of seminary. It seemed to provide a safe have of sorts, even though he would tell you he hated every minute. Aubree attended during her 9th grade year, but chose not to after that. Not sure what Jake will do, but tonight he said he was not interested. 

Kyler has now been in South Carolina for over a month and seems to be doing well. He sent me a very nice necklace for mothers day. Made me cry. He seems to know how to pick em to make me cry. I'm just so thrilled that he thought of me.    
It says...."Before I knew your ends(on the back of the top heart), I understood your love. Thank you for being a wonderful mom, I love you." I have worried a lot about my mothering abilities, or lack thereof. This and the fact that he seems to be doing well on his own make me feel a little better. 

Aubree is working and going to school. Just trying to get through 10th grade and is learning what it's like to be a little more grown up. She made me a nice piece of art for mothers day and gave me a nice card. She is very talented. 

Jake is almost done with 7th grade. He is pretty trunky. He has worked pretty hard all year as far as grades and stuff. Today he helped with the yard. He is a pretty good kid. He is now a percussionist and does a good job. Hoping to be in jazz band next year. Just went camping with the scouts. Said he had fun. 

So these are the good things going on. In keeping with our usual way of things, there are some not so wonderful things as well. Dan is starting back at Vivint tomorrow. The department is thrilled to have him back.  I have mixed feelings about this. He is doing it so we can try to keep our heads above water and maybe have a little extra from time to time, but it makes him so tired and we never get to see each other. I love him for doing it though. We may accidentally get to see each other for a minute or two when he leaves and I arrive at work. He is not as keen on moving as I am. He wants to stay where we have our home and things. I just want to be in a place we can spread our wings and be ourselves and never have to worry about driving in the snow ;-) We are working to compromise. We will see how things turn out. Last Tuesday he was almost home and someone rear ended him. He says the guy didn't even appear to slow down, just slammed right into him. He is fine, thank God, and the car certainly could have been worse. The issue is that after watching the other guy who hit him hand the police an insurance card and stuff, when Dan called to file a claim he was told he isn't insured. FOR THE LOVE!! This is how things happen for us. We both believe that the car will be totaled when all is said and done. It doesn't look bad from the outside, but once you open the hatchback door, it's pretty obvious. I have to take it in later today to have it estimated. We will see how it turns out. 

School is out in 11 days and the trunkiness is alive and well in this house. This time of year and the 2 weeks before school starts again are some of the hardest days there are. This year has the added stress of getting ready for graduation and stuff. I'm not complaining, I am happy to have the stress of graduation and all of the other stuff we are planning around and because of it. It's just an effect on the family is all. We are so busy some days we don't know where the day went. The next 2 weeks will be interesting, but it's all worth it. 

As for me...I am typing on this blog at 3 AM on a night I don't have to work. I just can't seem to get my body to adjust. I will go back to bed in a bit and try to at least get a few hours sleep. I love my shift and the people I work with on it. Just have to figure out the right combination to get the rest I need. I really trying to get through things and have a better outlook on life. I just need to be able to be me and feel very stifled here, plus my body just doesn't take well to the roller coaster weather. 80's one day :-) and then 30's the next. I know my health would do better elsewhere, but there is a lot of sacrifice for the rest of my family. Hopefully sometime soon we can find the compromise that will make everyone happy. We shall see. 

Well, I hope that everyone is doing well and again, we appreciate those of you who are still hanging in there will us. We really appreciate it. 


Saturday, April 19, 2014

We Can Do Hard Things...At Least That Is the Myth

Since the last time I posted there have been quite a few things go on. I can't say they are bad or good, or happy or sad or whatever. They have just been. 

Dan transferred teams at his job. It was a lateral move, so he did not get a promotion/demotion or anything like that, just the same position for a different team. It's back doing what he did when he first started working for ORS. It has been a little stressful for him, as it has been over 8 years since he was doing that particular job and things have changed. So he was somewhat stressed from learning this new job again. 

The last post on this blog was about my job catching fire. Since that fire, we have been moved around to several new buildings and such while they try to get everything settled. I have rolled with it, but it has been pretty hard some days trying to adjust but never having a stable place. After all of the moving around we have landed back in the same place we started. At the corp office. It's nice. During this time though, our company rolled out a new system for the entire company to use. It has been very frustrating learning this system, as it has not been easy for anyone, but I am starting to get it. This also meant that Megan was learning this new system as well. Needless to say, our home was pretty tense for a few days. Also, during this time I interviewed for a new position withing the company and once again go turned down, twice! Life gets hard with so many let downs. Also in the meantime, Kyler was preparing to move to South Carolina. We had to plan for and make a trip for Dan to drive out there with him. They seemed to enjoy themselves and I think it was a good thing for them to have this time together to maybe bond a little. Finding an airplane ticket was insane. We could not believe how much it cost for a one way ticket. Shuffling the finances for this proved to be another huge stress. Dan kept saying he was going to have to walk home from SC and that he would see us in May. UGH!! We finally did get the ticket purchased and he did make it home. This experience as a mother has been hugely emotional for me. I have tried my best not to be that mom who won't cut the apron strings, but sometimes it's hard. He is the first one and things did not go as planned or easy at all. I worry about him a lot, but am so proud of him for taking this leap into independent adulthood. Even though it's hard. As a mother, it's hard to watch your kids suffer and I will always do everything I can to help, but try and let them work it through first. 

Kyler is now living and working in Columbia, South Carolina. It has been a somewhat bumpy start, but I think things are coming together. According to Dan and Kyler both, the place he lives is pretty nice. So far they have no furniture, but he says it's supposed to be there on Monday. Kyler has experienced the joy of not budgeting well and going hungry for a few days. It appears things are coming together though, so hopefully he will be getting his regular installs soon and all will be well. Today he got a speeding ticket..UGH!! I guess they all have to learn. He feels a little discouraged because his job requires him to communicate with people, not his strong suit, but his is leaping in and trying his best. As Dan and I have discussed many times, even if for some reason down the line things didn't work out, at least he took the leap and tried his best. Stay tuned for more on the Kyler in SC experience. 

Megan is working a little over part time and doing school and working on the last few packets and classes for graduation. She is stressed, but she will get it all done. Today we were making her list for who she wants to send announcements to and talking about designing her announcements. 

Aubree is working part time at the McDonalds across the street. She isn't completely happy with her job, but she goes and does it and is happy when she gets paid. She is very happy to help out any way she can with this. She is struggling with school, but I have faith that she will get it together. 

Jake is about to turn 13. He spends most of his time when he's not in school either hanging with his friends or lately he has been baking a lot. He is a very good cook. A talent I believe he got from his dad. 

We are all missing our Anna. It's weird, we all knew she was going to go home to her own parents and family and happy she did, but to our surprise, we remain very connected to her and miss her a lot. She is doing well in Germany and we keep in contact with her as much as possible. 

Life has been kind of rough for us for a long time, but we keep on trying to move forward as a family a couple and individuals. Hopefully things will start to get a little easier soon. 


Monday, March 24, 2014

It All Went Up In Smoke...At Least That's How Last Week Felt

The past week in my life and the lives of my family was very interesting. It was, to say the least one of the most interesting and weird weeks I can remember. It was as though there was something "tragic" (OK, that's a little far but I couldn't think of another word) in every part of my life. There are a couple of things I cannot share that have been a huge stress on me, but let's just say that I am being made to have patience with a person that tests it at every turn. Here is a semi short synopsis of what happened...

This was last Tuesday, so 6 days ago. It was a pretty normal morning. I left work at this building on Tuesday morning at 6 AM like usual. I had training that I was supposed to go to at this building later that day. As we were leaving work, the facilities manager was downstairs waiting for the fire inspector to arrive to inspect the new addition to the Cafe. (Not anywhere near the cause of the fire, just a very ironic coincidence)The preliminary cause was heat tape that was applied to keep things from freezing and caught the ceiling on fire, right over my department. I had gone on with my day as usual, came home, made the family breakfast and went to bed, knowing I had to get up early for training. Megan, Lori and I decided we would go to this building (usually go to the corp bldg) for lunch and then go to the training as we all had to go. Well, about 11:30 as I was waking up, Lori called me and said "work is on fire!" I kind of laughed and said "what?"(The fire inspector was just there?) She said it was on the news and our building was on fire. I came out to look on the TV. We wondered what we were to do now. Were we supposed to still go to training? If so, where? It was a very weird feeling of loss and being lost. Would I have a job after this? Were all of my friends and colleagues OK? Basically it was a mini form of what I felt like on 9/11. I knew nothing about what was to come and if everyone was OK. About 30 minutes after this news, an email was sent from our dept. manager Jordan who said that everyone got out OK and that we were to still attend work and all trainings at the corp office. I was very relieved to know that everyone was OK and that my job was secure. I was extremely impressed at how the managers and exec's of the company took care of this situation. First they made sure every single employee was accounted for and safe and then sent them to a new place and went right back to work to make sure our customers were taken care of. This company prides itself on being one big team/family and often I have wondered how true that is, but this really showed just how much truth it is. Anyway, since last Tuesday, our team (graveyard) has been in 4 different places to work. I am grateful to the company for making sure we had a place to work. I feel like a gypsy or an orphan sort of, but it all goes with trying to get things in order after this fire. I think we are set for a while at least in a nice place at corp and all is well. They are saying 4-6 months until our building should be ready for us to go back to. I didn't lose anything important. Only thing I had there was my nameplate. I know of many who lost many important and special things. I have never been part of anything like this so I have tried to figure out how to feel. The best way I can explain my feelings is that I feel a sense of loss in that this building sort of felt like my home away from home. I spent at least 40 hours a week there. I feel grateful that it happened at a time when I wasn't there, but sad for my friends and colleagues that were. I feel sad and grateful to the firefighter who had a wall and a ceiling fall on him and had to be rescued and have surgery to repair his injuries. I feel grateful to the trainer who saw and understood first hand that we were all in our own states of shock. Who also helped evacuate the building and then turned around and did his best to train us on that day. I know that it all could have been much worse and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's who I am and it has really affected me emotionally. All is well and I will get over it. 

All of that was Tuesday, Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Just working in a weird place, but it was nice. 

Thursday, I was checking skyward, because the term was ending and I was very concerned with some grades. There has been a lot of hard work put forth especially this year in regards to school and it didn't look good right then. I was so highly let down by some of this and was already dealing with the other stuff. Pretty much lost it on a couple of kids. I just know that they can do and are better than they are showing. After all of the work they have done it is just heartbreaking to me to see them not do their best, putting their goals at risk. Kyler is still waiting for news of if he passed his licensing test so he can go to South Carolina to work. This being up in the air is frustrating, but we just have to assume he did and are trying to get things prepared. Jake is devastated that he got a B+ which brought his GPA all the way down to 3.94. He has strived all year to get a 4.0 and it has just slipped out of his hands every term so far. He would have got it first term if he hadn't broke his heel and got an A- in PE. Still a little ticked at that teacher, but whatever. We are proud of him trying so hard to do well and setting high goals and working to meet them. I just hope he doesn't hit that wall everyone seems to hit around his age and stop working at it. Was in a different place working Thursday, still appreciate them taking care of us, but was not pleased with Thursday's accommodations, but it was somewhere. Not complaining. Thursday night at work brought some issues for me, but I can't really share them. Let's just say I had to walk away a couple of times in order to keep my cool. Too many people with too high of stress level last week trying to keep it together. 

Friday was probably one of the hardest days. The term ended, I knew things were not OK with that. As I was explaining my disappointment and how NOT OK this was, I received an email from Dan I had been dreading. The contents of that email also explain part of the stresses of the last 3 weeks and how it was yet another let down. Dan again interviewed with Clark County, NV for a position and even he was pretty sure he would get the job. We had gone to Las Vegas on the 2nd - 4th of March and were there dreaming of things and seeing areas and houses, etc. Just hoping something would appear for us. When we returned home, there was an email waiting for Dan to interview. We didn't tell anyone about it, at least a very few, so as to not ruffle feathers besides those who live in this house. Dan had to make another trip there alone the next weekend for test and interview. He came home very confident and we were pretty excited about the prospects. Last Friday came the email "although you were not chosen for this position, we enjoyed speaking with you." UGH!!! We have no idea why, we were pretty sure he had this. A very hard pill to swallow and another let down. Dan hasn't been really excited before, but this time was different and it was just really hard and remains hard to try to figure out how to make things happen. We are not happy here. Our kids, at least most of them, are not happy here. We are trying to find good jobs there and do good things. I can't take much more of the weather here. Also, I have discovered that the altitude plays a part in my migraines. The closer I get to sea level, the better my head feels. No, this is not psychological, it's a fact and yes, not being here would most likely help my mental state :-)  For the time being, I am at a good job that I liked so much I fought my way back to and Dan has a secure job working with many people he really likes. We will keep on going until something happens. Hopefully it's soon. Our family has struggled enough, it's time for some peace. I know this isn't what many think we should be doing, but we are making decisions together and doing what we feel to be the best for ourselves and our family. We would love to have some help and support. 

So there it is, I literally slept the entire weekend. Trying to keep things at a low roar. This is all just MOST of what happened last week. There is more I can't share and there is always the element that continues of so many people who feel we are problems in their lives. We continue to try and move on. Hoping soon we get to remember what enjoying life and having some peace feels like. 

Thanks to those who continue to read this and care about our family. We appreciate you. 


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

More Rambling Thoughts In the Night

It has been a while since I posted anything on here. I have been trying to make a real effort to not post when I was feeling upset. Unfortunately, this is not to be. This blog does serve as a place to say what I feel and let you know of things happening in our lives and if there is still anyone reading this I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I need to share my feelings and not be scolded for them. This is our blog and therefore it should be a safe place for sharing my thoughts. Although I don't want everyone to stop reading it, it is your choice and I would hope you would simply not read it rather than get upset over what may or may not be contained in it. 

Over the past month or so, there have been some really good things go on for our family. I was able to start back at my old job at Vivint in Account Creation on January 6th. I had to put in my time with a not so wonderful shift, but I did eventually get back to my graveyards about 3 weeks ago. It's nice. It opens up so many more things for me in regards to being there for my family in every way. I am not only helping pay the bills, I am there when they are. Yes, I am tired most of the time, but that has been my normal state for years :-/ Megan also got a job in Account Creation at Vivint. She is loving it and seems to be doing quite well. Aubree got transferred to the McDonalds across the street from our house, but as of yet has not been scheduled. I don't understand why this happens every time with her, but we will get it going soon. Probably the biggest thing is that Kyler also became employed by Vivint. Originally he was going to be a summer technician in Memphis TN, but then Derek, (Tracie's husband) also started with Vivint and is a lead technician in Greenville SC, so Kyler will be working under him there. This is and will continue to be an adjustment and all around new experience for Kyler and for all of us, but we all feel it will be a good one. He has more training this week and then hopefully more will be known. It does help Dan and I and most likely Kyler, to know that Derek will be there. Not that anyone is expecting him to do anything special for Kyler, but it helps to know there is someone familiar around for him as he embarks on this new chapter in his life. It will certainly be an adventure. I guess it could be both good and bad for Kyler having 3 of us working in AC where he has to call to submit any of his job. We are here to help him and will, but I hope he doesn't feel we will be mean or something. Having us in these positions actually helps him in the respect that we can give him pointers on how to make things work more efficiently when it comes to the accounts. Some worry that we are putting too many eggs in the Vivint basket, but it is one of top businesses nationwide and gaining internationally. Our CEO has been on TV and in the paper so much lately, even on a national level, that at least for now, I think we are pretty safe. Dan just found out that he is transferring teams at work. It is a lateral move, but hopefully one that sets up something better. Dan's knee is doing quite well. It still hurts sometimes, but that is to be expected. He has done an excellent job of healing though. It won't be long before he is hiking, etc. again. Anyway, Jake is just being an almost 13 year old, but he is also pretty much a straight A student. He recently transferred to the percussion section in band and is doing very well. He even gets to participate in band festival and play with the symphonic bands and such. He takes after me in this. Just about the only thing... We are proud of how hard he works to do well in school. 

For Christmas, we got a new puppy...Meet Chandler Bing.

He is so much fun. Dan and Chandler sit and howl together, he gets so excited to see me/us whenever we have been gone (even when it's just to the bathroom or something). I had made a statement and really a rule before and really meant it, that I would never get another dog. I simply couldn't take the heartache of possibly losing another one.  Dan convinced me that we needed one and Ben and Macame just happened to have one for us, so I caved. Even though it has been a little challenging having what sometimes seems like a newborn in our home, I am glad I caved. I love him to pieces and I am glad he is part of our family. This picture is soooo him. He lays like this and if you pick him up he planks. It's pretty funny. He is doing pretty well with the cats. Tazzy could care less, Speedy scares him and poor Charlie is sort of his chew toy, but he seems to like to play with him and for the most part holds his own. We just keep a careful eye out for Charlie. All is well in the four legged furry part of our family. 

On an emotional level, at least for me. It has become so hard and discouraging sometimes that I have really felt like sometimes I could just not exist and everyone would have such a better life. I don't even have the support from many in my family. I don't know how to make them understand that I am not asking them to change anything about their beliefs or ways of life. I just want love and support for me and mine. Over the last month or so, we have been made aware of more people who are so uncomfortable around us that they can't even simply be civil. We aren't scary, we aren't mean, we aren't any different than we have always been. We just simply don't believe or agree with most. I can't understand how me/us following my/our beliefs and hearts has any bearing on anyone else's lives. I'm sorry if it offends people, but I am done being told to be quiet, that my feelings aren't correct and that I need to straighten up and do things right before I open my mouth or express any kind of opinion. I listen to what everyone has to say and sometimes even agree, and heaven forbid, support them in their endeavors, even when I may not agree,  but somehow whatever I say is so offensive I am told to stop almost without fail. It's a rough place to be. I'm supposed to be happy and hopeful, but never express a feeling other than joy. This causes a lot to build and it doesn't lead anyone to a happy place. 

This winter has been harsh to me. Even though it hasn't been a terrible winter, my body seems to be breaking down more and more every year and winter sometimes feels like it will be the death of me. I will find a warm climate to live in. It is a need for my physical and therefore my emotional well being. Our need to be able to live as a family in love and peace, without so much pain has become my life's goal. It can't happen here. Too many outside factors causing problems. We need to be in a place where our friends/family are our friends because of who we are, not what they want us to be. Not that we don't have some here that are true and good friends, which we love and appreciate. We/I just need to be able to not feel paranoid and find out later that I'm tolerated instead of loved.  

Anyway, in a couple of months hopefully Megan will be graduating and things will be going forward for her. We are excited to see where she will go from here. 

Hopefully life is treating all of our loved ones well. Know that you are thought of and appreciated and loved often. 


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Dan's 2013 Year in Review

I had to take the time to sit and right my year in review and what better time to do that than New Year’s Eve, sitting at my computer, drinking a glass of merlot and contemplating.  We started out the year as a family of seven as we continued the school year with our German. She got a cat for Christmas and named him Charlie, he is our third cat, making a welcome companion to Tazzy and Speedy.   I started up my studio agreement again and did a shoot with Lizzie, Aubree, and Anna that turned out fun, but unbelievably messy.  I traveled to Vegas to interview for a position in the County Child Support Enforcement division.  I drove down, stayed overnight in Mesquite, interviewed and tested the next day and drove back home.  Needless to say, I did not get the position as we are still living in Orem.  
Megan went to preference in February and I had fun doing their pictures.  
Aubree had a choir concert in March and we got the whole Golding family together for a family picture at the Provo Library with the help of my friend Ashton.  It turned out pretty well, and with the help of Photoshop, we were able to get all of the family members in there and give a print to Christy’s parents for Christmas.  Kyler had his 19th birthday in March.  

We all went to color festival in April for the first time.  We came home covered in colored chalk and still had it in our clothes, cars and cameras days later.  We made a hike to the Y with Karl, Sam, and Jacob, Anna, Jeff, Jake and I.  

Jake turned 12 om April and graduated from the 6th grade in May.  I made a trip to Eureka Utah with my photography group and Aubree had another fabulous choir concert.  Christy started working at Vivint.  

The first week of June was insane.  My brother and his family came up to adopt a baby.  Kelly and Natalie were endowed in the Salt Lake Temple, and Anna’s parent arrived in Utah to take her home.   We spent a full day in Salt Lake with the adoption, sealings and taking a bunch of pictures.  We headed to Moab and spent some time at Dead Horse point and hiked to the Delicate Arch, and explored Goblin Valley.  We came home and had to say goodbye to Anna.  We always knew this day was coming, but it was so hard to let her go.  She became such a valued and loved member of the family and we miss her so much.  

In July, I quit my second job at Vivint.  I had a good run there, working in several departments and meeting many great people.  Jake, Ashtyn and I set out for the Hot Springs, and 12 miles and a near death experience later, we made it back to the car without ever finding them.  We tried it a couple weeks later and found the springs we were looking for and look some pretty great pictures.  I did my first shoot with the Salt Lake bodypaint league and got to watch some amazing artists work.  

I August I got my first two tattoos, went on the father’s and son’s with Kyler and Jake, and we packed food for Haiti and Africa.  We went the sister’s reunion, I went camping in the Uintas with one of my photographer groups and I started coaching Jake’s football team, helping with the linemen and the defense.  

Aubree went to Homecoming in September, Megan turned 18, and Kyler moved out briefly.  

October found Christy at a new job, Megan at a new job, and I turned 42.  We lost our first playoff game and got eliminated, bringing my first season as a coach to an end.  Jake and I went to an Imagine Dragons concert, compliments of Vivint.  We rode the train to Salt Lake and I got enjoy watching a concert, and not having to work it.  I organized my first group shoot, a trash the dress at Utah Lake and had a really good turnout.  

Christy got her first tattoo in November.  We had Thanksgiving at Christy’s parent’s house.

We organized and hosted the Golding family Christmas party.  Aubree turned 16.  Megan got a job at Vivint.  Christy got her job back at Vivint, Aubree got a job at McDonalds.  Kyler broke his hand.  Santa brought us a new puppy, Chandler, and an air hockey table.  

We are starting 2014 with many NEWisms...Starting with a new knee on Thursday at 9 AM and several new jobs. Hopefully a new beginning of sorts in several areas of our lives. Here's to hoping!


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

"Oh My, They Have Really Gone Crazy! Why would She Ever Do That?"

I know that most of the latest post on here have not been of a happy nature and for that I'm sorry, however, they are honest and a picture of what we are trying to live through. I hope that someday I will be able to look back on this time (the better part of a decade) and see why we had to go through it and have at least a few happy memories.

Yes, we have made some decisions in the last while that have gone against the grain of what most of the people we know or have ever known. We have made it very clear that we don't make rash decisions, especially when it comes to our well being or the well being of our family. Any decisions are talked about and given a lot of thought before they are made. It makes me sad that I have to make this statement and still as I type feel that it's wrong that I have to explain myself EVERY TIME. Yes, I/We have made mistakes and yes we occasionally need help of some kind from others, we have never claimed to be perfect, but we also know that this doesn't make us horrible evil people who should be pitied and walked lightly around or looked down upon. No it doesn't mean we are going through a mid life crisis and going to be disappointed in ourselves when we "come to our senses." I have actually seen people look at me and shake their head and get a sad look on their face and walk away. This brings me to why I started writing this.  

We have kids who have had friends since they were in pre school that are no longer allowed to talk to, be around, or any other way of communicating, with our kids because we don't go to church. Somehow, our not going to church morphs into them and makes them do bad things. This is not only a COMPLETE CONTRADICTION to what these people claim to be, it's simply mean! I have had enough of trying to console my teenage daughters because they have no more friends because they are apparently so evil just their presence is not wanted. I have mentioned all of this before, but it is at such a high level, I now understand how people come to a point where they do crazy things. My husband who is an amazingly talented photographer can't get anyone local to let him take their pictures because others who don't like some of what he has shot tell people he is a bad person and stay away. People are afraid they will be "Bad by association". This is ridiculous, but again, just mean. Then there is me, I guess I am the worst now, because I have done the ultimate badness and "scarred my body" permanently. I was told most of my life that anyone with a tattoo was just trying to get attention and ruining their body. That it was a sign of insecurity and just made them ugly. Don't get me wrong, some of this is true and some of them are ugly, but again, a persons worth as a human being and the worth of their soul have nothing to do with whether they have a tattoo or not. Most tattoos are expressions of a persons personality, something that means something to them. If people would look past the fact that someone has a tattoo and look at the actual piece of art, they would realize, most of the time it has deep meaning and importance and is usually something very nice. Here is mine. Yes, it's on my chest, over my heart (this is symbolic) and if you look at it, it is very symbolic. This isn't something I did on a whim, nor should I have to explain myself. It is something that means A LOT to me and I love it. I would hope I would stop getting questioned and pitied because of how "lost" I have become. I am not lost, nor do I need anyone's pity!  Photo

These are my most prized and loved people. We are tied together by infinity. I carry this close to my heart always. If this makes me bad and evil, then I guess that's all on the one who feels that way. How anyone can see and understand this and still feel anything other than how much I love my family is beyond understanding. 

I have said it before and will say it again. The attitudes in the culture in this place are sucking the life out of my soul. All I have ever asked for is to be allowed to have my own opinions and thoughts and not have it be something used against me. There is so much more that has happen, but I can't keep going on here. I am scared to death for the city we live in, because again, it came down to not who would be best, but that they had to vote against him because he believes people should have the right to think for themselves. I am scared to death of how long I will be unemployed. Yes, I am unemployed, because I didn't quite meet the criteria someone thought I should. I met the level asked, just not as good as they thought I should. Just tired of attitudes thinking it's OK to just punish people for being different and then do it in the name of trying to be a good Christian. 

Oh, and by the way, we didn't leave the church because we got offended, we did our homework and have many other valid reasons. Too much contradiction is one, even with the actual doctrine. See, we have brains and don't just get upset and act irrationally.

Again, I'm sorry for the rant, but at some point, things have to be said or it becomes an even bigger problem. 


Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Little Bit of an Explanation

A few days ago I really had a very rough night. It was really hard for me to get through and I honestly didn't know how I was ever going to get past it. I am still VERY upset and hurt, but I am trying hard to get past it. It hurts not only me, but when I see my friends and others going through it as well it hurts.The one thing that I have maintained throughout all of the past couple of years and most of my life really is that yes, forgiveness is on you personally, that you can choose to be hurt or offended and that you should just simply forgive no matter what. While this is true and good, there comes a point where it isn't possible and letting it go becomes enabling to the offending party and makes all things in the end worse. You can't forgive a person if you can't forget the issue, and you can't forget the issue if you are constantly being reminded of it. Or if something new is being thrown at you. Not forgiving can consume a person with bitterness and anger, but letting someone continue belittling you causes depression and self worth problems and MAJOR confusion. This is something I saw a few days ago and I believe if people would really take note of it and try to remember it the world would be in a much better state...
There is an old saying that sticks and stones can break bones but words can never hurt you. This is completely untrue in my opinion. In order for something to be said, you have to think about it and therefore it's what you feel and words unlike the other repairable things, cannot be taken back or the wounds made by it simply fixed. Words are much more harmful than sticks and stones. You can't repair a persons heart or their soul by medication or a band aid or stitches. Think of it this way, childbirth is one of the most painful things a person can ever have to go through, but the pain is forgotten as soon as the beautiful baby is presented. Simply telling someone they are not worth anything goes straight to a persons soul and can't really be forgotten because there is nothing beautiful to replace it. 

While I can't divulge who, because of the relationship it is and not wanting to burn a bridge, there is someone who has really made it a point lately to let me know what a disappointment me and my husband and kids are. It has been a year since we announced we were leaving the church. While there has been an ongoing uncomfortableness for us since then and we have endured an extended family member completely verbally driving us into the ground on Facebook, this one now is so much worse because of who it is. I honestly don't think they know they are doing it, or I may have reacted much more sternly, but it has broken my heart and hurt me to my core. I mentioned a while back that Dan and I were in the process of having our records removed from the church. I was then told that if we did that, we were ruining the entire family's chances at an eternal life together. I have been told that my husband is loved beyond measure, but if we were to move to Las Vegas (which we will do someday, I can't take the cold and the general environment here anymore)that he would become a gambling addict alcoholic that would make our lives miserable. Now, while I won't deny that we occasionally have a drink, that while in Vegas we gamble a little, how does "love beyond measure" and "gambling addict alcoholic" make sense? I have been told I am way too touchy about stuff SOOOO often that it's ridiculous, but really, I'm not the one getting upset, I'm am simply being expected to be upset so I am punished for it anyway. This is so much of a problem that people feel they have to warn people that we might be somewhere so to be sure that they don't offend us. Um, it's not the others who are offending us!!! It has been 3 1/2 years since my gastric bypass surgery. I have done what I think is a pretty good job of keeping the weight off. The past couple of months I have gained back about 15% of the weight I lost. I am mortified about it. I really don't know why, but it has been stressful and my diet hasn't been the best. Honestly though, 15%? It is something I can fix and get a handle back on. The other night this is what was said to me after not being spoken to all night..."Are you gaining your weight back? I knew it wouldn't work." Now, I guess this shouldn't upset me that much, but honestly, I cried after that. I have become so rotten in this persons eyes that they can't even muster up some tact to nicely ask me about  something they know I have spent years trying to make better. Even if it is out of love and concern, there are nice ways to say things.  When someone wants to know why I finally made the decision to leave the church, here is the answer. I know most of you will disagree about how valid it is and that one isn't the other, but here it is. When I can go from being a person who is in the eyes of many a strong, god fearing, good mother who tries to love everyone, who is service oriented, who has fought her way back from life changing sickness to be working and contributing to her family even when I am in pain and feel horrible, who used to have a house full of kids in the neighborhood and elsewhere who loved being at her home,  who has a good compassionate, non-judgmental and open minded and loyal husband who loves me and our kids fiercely, to a person who has ruined an entire family's chances at eternal salvation, who's husband is a irresponsible scumbag(or will be)with no self control, and that is teaching bad things by example, that people will not allow their kids to even talk to no less be in my home,  and that's just the tip of the iceberg, all because we decided to worship our God differently, it has caused enough confusion and question that I could not pretend I was sure and knowledgeable about the church anymore. If the gospel is right and true, which I'm not saying it isn't, then many of the people in it shouldn't be showing the opposite. I should mention, that in almost every case of reprimand, the person has used the church as their backing or reasoning for making me see the light and how wrong I am.  I am still the same person I have always been, I simply don't have the guilt and constant pressure to be perfect anymore. Life as a human being is not to be lived in fear of making a mistake, it should be with having the knowledge that if you do make a mistake, it's yours and yours alone and you figure out how to fix it and move on, and that you have the right, no matter what religion you are, if any, to call upon God as you are one of his children. Not to be told you have lost your right to God because you are too far gone and undeserving of his love.  I honestly have been told so many times in the past few years how misguided and naive I am about things that is has caused me to really study into why people would think that and the answer I have found is that in WAY too many cases a person is not to have their own ideas or way to handle life, but to only do it as told. I was taught that when something is presented to you, by anyone, no matter who it is, that you do your own soul searching, you pray and you come to your own knowledge if it is right and true. All mankind is human and therefore not perfect and too many live in fear and depression because they can't ever seem to do it right enough or good enough.  I think you get the picture. I am doing my best to get past the hurt from this particular person, but again, it is very hard and made even harder by the continuation of this treatment. I don't want to cause any more problems with anyone, but it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, it always ends up that way. 

Earlier today I had to go to PTC's. I always dread this. I really dislike hearing that my kids aren't doing their best. I know they can do better. I hope they stand up and show people who they really are. 

Jake has one more week to let his broken heel heal. It has been pretty rough on him to not be able to play, but he has been to every practice and game and will be ready to get right back in it when the Dr says it's OK.  Aubree went to Homecoming last weekend. It was her first high school dance. She seemed to have fun. We found one of my dresses in my closet and dressed it up with the help of Grandma Hansen and it looked nice. Megan turned 18 on the 10th. We had a little cake for her and had dinner on Saturday at a place of her choice. It was nice. Kyler is still living out on his own, but it looks like he may be moving back home in a few weeks. He seems to have made some good decisions and changes while he has been gone. We will see how that turns out...stay tuned. Dan is enjoying his ability to pursue his hobby and to get to be able to coach for Jake's team. He will most likely be getting a partial knee replacement in the next few months. I am happy for him that he will not be in pain anymore and be able to run and hike and whatever pain free. 

The past few days we have really been missing Anna. I would have never believed that I would be this attached or that it would be this hard to let her go. She really dove in and found a place in our hearts and we love her. We are very happy for her to be back with her parents, who btw are wonderful too and considered family as well, but lately that hole in our hearts seems to be exposed more. Not sure why, but we will be OK. We just miss her smiling face and positive influence in our home and family. She is moving on with her life in Germany and we are happy for her. I don't think she or her family will ever really realize the impact they have had on us. For me, especially from Sarah, who has really shown me you can do it even when it seems impossible. She has been an example of strength and perseverance to me and when I really needed to see it was possible. And it probably doesn't show, but her positive attitude has had a HUGE impact on me. 

Oh yes, and FYI, I still have my job. I guess I must be doing something good. I feel pretty comfortable here. I feel like most of the people I work with seem to like me and they are all pretty cool. I am proud of myself for making the cut. I couldn't even have imagined a year ago that I would be working a full time job, let alone graveyards and one that I would have to prove my worth to keep.  I will continue to search for something in LV but for now I am in a pretty good position here. Just need to not have to deal with the winter anymore. It hurts me ;-) 

OK, I guess this is long enough. I hope there are still people out there who read it.