Setting the Record Straight - Warning, it's a long one ;-)

I have decided that it is time to explain some things and set the record straight so that I don't have to keep explaining to every individual person why I have done the things I have done and why my family feels the way they do. I was going to go to testimony meeting and do this, but my wise husband convinced me that it would be a bad idea and make things worse. I listened to his counsel but feel I need to do it this way. He said to tell everyone hello, so I think I have his approval. He knows how much this situation has consumed me and broken my heart and that I am doing everything I can to make things right.  I hope that by doing this it will put all of the rumors and gossip and assumptions to rest. All of that is toxic and no one should be doing it anyway, but the reality is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, does it even when they don't necessarily mean to be doing it. Anyway, here goes.  

A lot of this started way before it got really bad. A few years ago Dan was the High Priest Group Leader and was working 3 jobs and I had just been through some very bad health problems that have never gone away. Our son was diagnosed with tourettes and a few other things and had a severe reaction to meds they put him on and almost died. Our daughter was assaulted and a few other scary things happened. Anyway, Dan had asked to be released from his calling as the HPGL several times because he didn't feel like he could do it the way it needed to be done. This fell on deaf ears for a long time.  When he spoke to the stake leader he was told he needed to do more. There were people undermining him and what he was trying to do to make things better and he was trying to deal with things as best he could, but when it finally came down to it, he was really having a hard time because no one would listen to his pleas for help. He just kept getting told he needed to try harder and just deal with things. I mean, he had a lot of things going on at home he was handling and trying to do his calling and work, etc. No one would listen. How was having more faith and trying harder (he couldn't have tried any harder) going to help? When the Bishop finally changed, he listened to Dan and helped to get him released. The problem is that while this was wonderful that he did this, it was too late, some pretty big damage had already been done. During this time, was when all of the Prop 8 stuff was going on. Dan has ALWAYS, and never said or done anything different, been a person who doesn't live or teach this lifestyle, but will not tell another person that they can't choose for themselves. He believes EVERYONE has the right to choose for themselves how they live and what they do. He is able to look past what they do and see the person and what is good in them. This to both of us is a fundamental part of the Gospel. Everyone is a child of God. However, he has a sister who is married to another woman and we have several gay friends and family and the very bold unsolicited counsel we have gotten has been pretty much that he needs to shun people who live this way, and if he doesn't, he supports it. There is a difference between supporting a person and supporting their way of life. This is his sister, he shouldn't have to shun her in order to have a good standing in the church. If this was just one or two people, it would be one thing. It has been the majority and a majority of time people in leadership. Our understanding of the Gospel is that we are to love others and not judge and realize that everyone has a right to choose their own way. We have many gay friends, some who are or were members of the church, that are living the Gospel, except in this area, much more clearly than many of the active members we know. This is a huge deal in our home. It is in our family and we have taught our kids tolerance and love for all. Much to the dismay of many who actually keep their kids away from our kids and us because of it. So much for loving your neighbor huh?

Kyler is a unique individual who has a lot of issues and we know that sometimes he is simply hard to be around or understood. His experience through his life and especially teenage years has been one of his peers at school and church treating him as if he was an alien who was out to get everyone. Very few have tried to understand, and when it came to 16-17 year old boys actually throwing rocks and dirt at him he finally said enough is enough. He has a sickness. Just because you can't see it by looking at him doesn't mean he is faking it or that he should be treated like dirt. He has had a very hard life. He has been able to for the most part get past these things, but maybe the rock throwing and things like that have stopped, but he is still shunned by most of the people his age. How is he supposed to understand that it is a Gospel of love when he has never gotten any? He can't change what is wrong with him and sometimes he uses it, but parents and others making excuses for their kids actions aren't acceptable either. He is no different than the other boy in the ward who had a sickness. There is nothing he could do to change it, and neither can Kyler. But the treatment the other boy got and still gets is much different that what Kyler gets. Believe me, some days I can barely get through with him and what he says and does. But I have to remember that in most cases, he can't help it and I understand and know his heart. He is a good, loving person. All it takes to know it for yourself is a little understanding and sincerely trying.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the church's standing on politics is that we are to educate ourselves on the issues and vote how we feel is best. Isn't that what the leaders of the church tell us? Well, this is another thing that has been huge. We have actually been told by some that you can't be a democrat and be in good standing in the church. Again, if this was a random person, no big deal, but when it's leadership it becomes a little confusing. Also, politics is brought into many lessons and activities. It has no business being in church at all. There is a reason the leaders of the church say they have no political standing. We are to choose for ourselves. Again, back to the attitude of you know better and if you don't think the way I do, you are a bad person. FREE AGENCY is a fundamental part of the church. 

OK, so these are things that have been for a long time and really, they weren't causing much of an issue for a long time. Just started making us wonder why certain people were held to a certain expectation and others were allowed to get away with being contradictory to what they claim to be. 

In case there was any question, I LOVE DAN AND I LOVE MY KIDS, AND THAT WILL NOT CHANGE! Just because I may not like or agree with everything they say or do does not mean I don't or shouldn't love them.

So a little less than 2 years ago Dan bought a new fancy camera. He had been called as the historian for our ward for the Pioneer Trek. We had 3 kids going on the trek so it was really cool. Dan has always had a camera in his hand in almost every situation. He can see a picture in everything. We will have memories forever because he has done this. At this point, he decided that he was going to try and get some experience as a photographer. He had a nice camera and some friends who were photographers who were willing and happy to help him get experience and teach him. Where things turned were when he took some questionable pictures. Like I said before, he sees a picture in everything and sees most things in an artistic way. He took some pictures of some WOMEN and they were questionable, but he NEVER hid anything. He sees beauty and art in the human form. I capitalized the word WOMEN because he has never and would never take any questionable image of anyone under 18. He isn't stupid and has a head on his shoulders. For goodness sake, he is a Paralegal, he has a form that has to be signed and takes ID for all. Has parents sign and attend with anyone underage, to protect not only him but them too. Also asks all people to bring a companion.  This also makes it so no other person can take his images without his permission.  Now I am not making excuses, I may not even agree with it, but again, I have no right to tell him what decisions he has to make. Where the problem came is when some one didn't like these pictures and assumed he was hiding them from me and the church. This person, instead of coming to Dan or to us, printed the pictures and took them to the Bishop and said they were worried about Dan and that they were worried about me and the kids because they thought he was hiding stuff from me. Now the Bishop did a good job of just talking to Dan and not being accusatory and judgmental, but then this person apparently didn't feel that he was punished enough or something, so they went on the most public forum they could and called him a pornographer and more a child pornographer and said he was taking advantage of young girls and that they had lost all respect for him and felt sorry for me and my kids and that he should never call himself an upstanding member of the church. When this happened, things went insane. My kids saw this, both of our families, many of our friends, etc. Honestly, I may not agree with some of these pictures, but I will always defend the fact that he has always been honest with me and doesn't keep things from me because he respects me enough to trust in me. We have been married for as long as we have because of this. Dan takes a lot of pictures, some that I'm not so fond of, but he sees art and beauty in everything and so far I haven't seen very many that you could say are anything else. It is hurtful that people think he is hiding things. IF HE WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT, HOW DID ANYONE SEE THEM?? That is not who Dan is. I really feel bad about this, because he is a very talented photographer and many people will never see any of his awesome work because they have judged him. He is a very giving person and will always help out when he can. Many are missing out because of buying in to the rumor and gossip.  Anyway, when this happened, overnight he went from being a beloved, favorite YM President and HPGL, to a sick scumbag. Not many chose to actually find out what was really happening, the gossip and rumors and judgment went wild. I became a naive, immature person because I didn't leave him. Honestly, I have seen a lot things in my life and what he does I would not consider pornography. Pornography is a state of mind. It's what you think and feel when you see something, not the image. A person in a bikini may not always be tasteful, but it isn't pornography. People need to live in reality instead of in a bubble. If you live in a bubble too long, eventually when that bubble pops, you have no idea how to deal with life because you have never seen any other way. I'm not saying you should like or expose yourself or your kids to things, just that not everything is as "bad" as it may seem or some people think. Again, I didn't react the way many thought I should have, so now it means I'm supporting it. Also again, I support Dan, not always what he does, but it's not my place to say or do anything to make him do what I want. He has his agency. No one knows what he is thinking or feeling. Assumptions are not always fact.  None of us are any different than we have ever been. We are loving people who would do anything we could for people, especially the ones we love and care about, but some how it has happened that when it's thought that a mistake is made, shunning and discrediting people is the way to deal with it. I'm pretty sure that there is no where in the scriptures or any counsel that a General Authority or Prophet has given where it says if some one makes a mistake, shun them and treat them like they are the devil. Again, people have decided their kids aren't allowed here because we are some how going to warp them. All of this could have been prevented by this person simply talking to us or Dan, instead of making assumptions and inflicting ultimate damage. This has never gone away. Just in December some one refused to let their child go to my daughters birthday party because of their assumption of what we would be doing.  When we questioned this, we were told their child couldn't go because we needed to get our priorities straight. How this person even knew anything, is wrong. Either it was simply joining in the rumors and gossip, or some one said something that should have been kept in confidence. Either way, it's very hurtful. This particular person we have thought for a long time loved and cared for us. I don't know who to trust anymore. Dan is pretty much gone as far as church is concerned. He has always been not your mainstream member and has been treated very badly by many in the church his entire life. He is and always will be the loving, compassionate, caring, service oriented person people know and love. Just now he isn't "worthy" of this description in many peoples eyes. It makes me very sad, but the more this happens the harder it is for me and our kids to keep going as far as church is concerned. A persons worth is not defined by their actions, except when their actions are deliberate and hurtful. Anyone who has cared enough to get to know him or us, knows that he has a very deep knowledge and testimony of the Gospel, but can't condone many of the actions of the people. If you claim to represent Christ, you can't also be conceited and judgmental.

I have been dealing with chronic pain and a ton of health problems for over 5 years. In that 5 years, we had Dan's parents in our home, Kyler diagnosed with Tourettes, BiPolar Disorder, Depression, insomnia, and then later a auditory processing disorder. This means his brain doesn't process more than about 3 words of what are said to him. This explains a lot of why people think he is ignoring him and why some of what he says is way out there. He has to try and figure out what is said to him and then move on. A lot of what seems like lying is simply trying to make sense of what he thinks he heard. Not all of it, just a lot of it. Megan was assaulted and the person was never even really slapped on the hand. Just recently, Aubree was diagnosed with severe depression and we spent a lot of November and December on a suicide watch. We filed for chapter 13 because of medical bills, and many other things. I freely admit that I am not a real optimistic person, but when I ask for help to try and get through what has seemed like several of the hardest/darkest times of my life almost always what I am told is to simply change my attitude and that if I had more faith and a better attitude these things wouldn't have happened to me. So basically, it's all my fault. That I should simply paste a smile on and things will magically improve. No one should assume I haven't spent more hours on my knees pleading for help than you could imagine.  No one has spent a day or any time in my shoes, ever. Telling a person who is desperately trying to hold her family, health, and life together that it's all her fault it is happening and that she needs to just be happy does not help. I don't ask anyone to fix my problems, just help me get through them. I know being around a person who is negative isn't easy, but again, understanding is the key. I have really been treated like I am a horrible person and literally shunned because I haven't handled my life the way others think I should have. I know of at least 2 families who have moved from this ward because of the judgment and treatment they and their kids were getting, and they are all doing much better now. We can't move, or would have by now. Besides, we like our house and most of our neighbors. 

We put our 3 oldest kids in Karl G Maeser Academy a year and a half ago. We did it in the hopes that it would help them. It has done just that. Things are so much better for them there, especially Kyler. He has found acceptance and understanding there he has never had before. As far as church is concerned though, this has become a double edged sword. The Young Women especially have shunned our daughters. Even telling them that they can't be a part of their "group" because they aren't at school and stuff and don't know what they like and what's going on with them. It does get worse though. My daughter is in the Laurel presidency and has been shut out basically at every meeting. She is doing her best to promote unity but the other girls don't want to let her or other specific girls in. It's hurtful that this seems to be an allowed, even taught way to do things. I'm not saying the leaders are teaching it. I'm sure it's the parents, because most of their mothers are doing the same thing to me. My daughter suggested that during an activity they play a game so that they have to talk to people that they normally didn't talk to, so that they could all get to know each other. The others basically said no way. They didn't want to have to talk to others. Then recently she went to a camp meeting where the question was asked as to whether they should assign cabins and people or let them girls pick. The answer one of the girls came up with was that it wasn't fair to make them be friends with people they didn't want to. This is completely wrong! You are supposed to encourage unity and love and include everyone, but it appears that the cliques and conceit are encouraged in this case. My daughter doesn't even want to go to activities anymore because she ends up either sitting alone or with the leaders, who don't like that she's hanging around, because the other girls won't even talk to her. They talk about her and are rude. What is she supposed to do. She has tried everything. I feel so bad for her. I have felt the same way and experienced the same treatment. This daughter is one who LOVES girls camp. She has always loved it. This year she refuses to go with this ward because of the treatment and humiliation she experienced last year. She has an auto immune disease that takes all of her thyroid hormone produced. Because of this, she has a very hard time controlling her weight. There was a leader who humiliated her several times while at camp in front of others. Telling her to sit down that they only wanted the skinny people, etc. This was hurtful on many levels. She can't do anything more about her weight than she already is and it is NOT OK for anyone, especially and adult, whom she thought loved and cared for her to do. It didn't stop there either. This person has continued on throughout the year. The same person has started to get very ornery and mean whenever I have tried to speak to them. Also, this is the same person who will no longer let their child come here and think Dan and I's priorities are in need of straightening. Our other daughter has just come through a very hard part of her life where she contemplated ending it a few times. She has been shunned just like the other one. Also humiliated and publicly called a liar because she stripped the color she had put in her hair and made it very close to her real color. The other girl didn't like it, so she called her a liar. These seem like dumb things, but once you get all of them together and they repeat over and over again, it's time to just remove ourselves from the toxic environment. Oh yes, then there is the day that Jake and Megan went to church by themselves because they thought it was important, which happened to be fast Sunday. Well, during church that day the person who was so mean to her was put in as a camp leader again, and an adult brought candy to primary and handed it out. Jake ate some and got told off by another boy loudly in primary for eating it on Fast Sunday. Now come on!! It's ridiculous that kids think they can act like this, but that is what seems to be accepted. Even when they are 11 years old, they are taught to make everyone choose the right, not matter what!! Really, no responsible adult should be bringing candy to church on Fast Sunday. I'm not blaming them for causing a problem by bringing it, just that they should know it's going to cause a problem. They are kids. Our kids have been taught that they should fast on Fast Sunday, but that they can choose. If an adult brought it, they figure it was OK to eat. It's also very hard to not have anyone to talk to about these things. I have made my feelings known before to a leader and I became the tattle tail complainer. I certainly can't talk to my leaders now. They wouldn't believe what I told them. 

I am one who absolutely hates it when people accept callings and then just don't bother to do them. Really, if you don't intend to give it your best, say no! It's so much worse to accept it and give the impression you are going to do it, but then don't. People are counting on you. I admit, I am very serious about this stuff. Right down to when I was in the hospital 5 years ago learning how to walk again, I sat in my bed on my computer with my hymn book planning the music for Relief Society for the next 3 months, or when I was recovering from major surgery on my stomach I was in ICU in my bed on my computer coordinating dinners to be taken to one of the ladies I visit taught who had just had a baby. It's the right thing to do. In this household service is taught from birth basically. My kids will do just about anything for anyone. I'm very proud of that. Recently, I coordinated over 30 block captains and set up an email for information regarding Orem City. Trying to help make sure people were prepared in case of an emergency and watching out for my/their neighbors. I have put A LOT of time and effort and work into this. I have been told no less than 20 times that no one cares if I do anything or not. Again, this has a majority of the time come from leadership. If I have no support from my leaders, how am I supposed to do anything that needs to be done? I have literally had to stand in an office and pretty much beg for approval, just to be able to do something I was asked by those same people to do. I was told the same thing when I was doing music in Relief Society, that no one cared except that I had actually made people leave because I asked them to sit in a section different than where "their chair" was for practice for the Christmas program.  I have said it a lot before and will continue to say it until it sinks in. If you tell a person what they say or do means nothing, or that they are worthless enough, they start to believe it and become worthless and don't try anymore. There is a line from a movie that says, something like, once you're told you're not worth it enough, you start to believe it. I have recently been put back on medication for depression. The counselor I see tells me that he can't believe I made it this long before doing it. That most people would have lost it long ago. I didn't want to feel weak, but when I look at the last several years of my life, I realize that I deserve to have a little help trying to get through. I am not getting it from those I would have counted on and expected to be there for me, so this is the only way I can try to help myself. I HATE that I have to take them, but feel that it needs to be this way so I can be a decent wife and mother. Personally I think I have done pretty well trying to handle everything that has been thrown at us. I don't know anyone else who has had so many years in a row of constant trial. I am really trying to get through it with a little dignity. Hard to do when others are smearing us and not allowing us to forgive and forget and move on. We are told all of the time that we shouldn't get offended and need to forgive others. Well there are two sides to that. Those doing the offending have a responsibility to quit offending and in order to truly forgive, we have to be able to forget. If the thing you are trying to forget or be forgiven for is constantly thrown in your face, how are you supposed to get past it? Plus, how about when you are expected to repent and watched like a hawk for things you never did? Only what people think you did. Hard place to be, and it gets tiring being there all of the time. We are so watched that when I wore sunglasses to church to prevent a headache, I was asked what I was covering up. What happened? I'm tired of having to explain things. I had a few people who wore theirs as well in support, which I really appreciated, but honestly, it's ridiculous that I have to explain things every time I do anything. Where's your husband? Why aren't all of your kids here? Why is Dan working on Sunday? Really?? No ones business. This isn't concern, it's a way to tell me that we aren't doing things right. I really wish I could believe it was concern. I remember a time when this ward was so close like family that we were praised all over. People would have done anything for anyone.  Wondering what happened. I haven't shared everything that has happened and been done to our family, but figure this is long enough and hit some main things. Just needed to set the record straight with some things so hopefully the assumptions will stop. 

Really wishing I could go back to my ward and feel comfortable and accepted, but I can't and won't until things are made right for my children and for me. Honestly, if this is happening to us, there are certainly others and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do. Until people realize and fix their own attitudes and start within their own families, nothing will change. That's what we're trying to do. We don't claim to be perfect, just different. Hoping for a better day!

Christy

Random Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things. 

Kyler is so close to being 18. He in some ways is way past this, but in many others is just not there. I worry about him and how he is going to get through his life. He has had to deal with so much throughout his childhood and teenage years. Honestly, I think for the most part he has dealt well, but some times, on days like today, not so much. It's so hard to know what to do and how to do it so he understands instead of getting upset and fighting against everyone and everything. He can see graduation in his grasp, but it is almost alluding him as well. I keep hoping, for his sake, as well as ours that he will catch the vision again and do this so he can be proud of himself. He really is a great loving person and a peacemaker once you get past the tough guy facade. 

Megan is struggling in some places as well. She just doesn't know where she fits and doesn't know how to handle it. We're hoping she catches a vision soon as well. She just wants peace as well but doesn't know how to bring it to her.

Aubree is doing MUCH better than the last few months, but now she's sick and miserable. Hope she feels better soon. Aubree is definitely one for peace, all you have to do is look at her room, clothes, or any accessory. They are all full of peace signs. 

Jake is just trying to figure out how to deal with what feels like a war zone around his home. He is a peacemaker as well, but he's also the baby and gets pushed aside a lot. You know, big kids don't want their little brother hanging around them. He has a lot of friends and tries to spend time with them. Who wants to hang with their boring old mom and dad?

Dan and I are just doing our best to get through it all. We have recently rediscovered ways to spend time together when we can, even if it's just a few short minutes. Life has been very stressful on all of us for a long time and has come close to breaking us a few times. We are just simply hanging on to each other and hoping and working and doing our best to keep our home and family together and find some happiness. Dan works so hard and so much that it is very hard for him to simply go on sometimes. Schedules will hopefully be changing soon and it will put him back to a schedule that will hopefully not throw his system off so much. He's such a good person and I LOVE HIM so much. I'm sure it's hard on him to not only have all of the responsibilities of a husband and father, but then to have me and all of my issues and inabilities and 3 teenagers as well. 

It has been very rough lately trying to figure out what to do in regards to church. I have not been to our ward here since the 18th of December and won't be going back. I really miss some people and some things there, but there has been such a warped message from so many and what I can only describe as betrayal from some, that it is just not something I, or any of the rest of my family, can get past at this point. We have started attending a ward on the other side of the city. My friend from way back is there and invited us. Megan, Aubree, Jake and I went last week and discovered several people we knew there. They all love it there. We were welcomed and treated so well and just felt like we belonged there. We will probably continue to attend there, at least most of the time. It's so hard sometimes to distinguish between the church and the people. Especially when some of those people are ones you love like family and have for a LONG time. This is why it hurts so bad to find out some things like we have in the past while. My heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest. I am painfully, and I really mean it, aware that Dan or I, nor our kids are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes. It's not fair for us to have to live up to a higher expectation and when we fall, we're told and treated and if we are hopeless and worthless. 

This is what we, as a family, and me personally, have been trying to work through. It's very hard when there really isn't anyone or anywhere to turn to feel loved and cared about. To those who have reached out to us, we really do appreciate it, but we are also very cautious now. We have opened up to some we trusted and thought cared about us and found out that some of those are the very ones betraying our trust. We aren't trying to hide anything, all we want is just to be us and have that be good enough and not horrible people you keep your kids away from. We are the same people we have always been, we haven't changed. We're just trying to raise our kids and get through life like everyone else. Somehow though, we have taken what we have been told is a wrong turn and have no desire to get back on the "right" path. No one knows our desires, that's ours and ours alone. Maybe people thinking they need to be dragging others kicking and screaming down the "right" path isn't quite the way things should be handled. Our PRIORITIES are not as messed up as you think, they are just handled in a different way. Doesn't mean they are wrong. 

You see how this battle goes in my head every minute. It's not easy trying to figure it all out and try to heal my heart as well. I know when I am teetering on an edge that's not good. I have had a gift my whole life that has saved me more times than I can count. I am at that point again and I AM AWARE OF IT! The way I know is because the gift is that  some that I love who have passed away are near. They tend to visit me in my dreams and sometimes not in my dreams. The past few nights my grandparents and my dog have all been with me. I know that sounds crazy, but Buddy was and continues to be a great comfort to me and he still does it when I am to a point that I just need unconditional love and care. He spent all night with me last night. Just laying by me and hugging me. I know many think this is totally immature and ridiculous, but he was literally what held me together through some of the hardest times of my life. My grandparents always have advice to give me. They have been there with their arms around me directing me in many of the things I have done lately. My grandmother warned me that I was going to have a major crisis in my life and need to count on them and others, before I had all of these health problems. The things they do and say have never steered me wrong or failed me.  You see, I really do have good reasons for doing what I do. The love and respect I have felt for and from all of them is something I hold dear and carry with me. I believe this is how my prayers are answered. One gives me direction and advice that I know comes from love, the other gives me unconditional love and comfort. 

Thanks to all of you who still care enough to read this blog. We love our family and friends. Please continue to love us, we need it.

~Christy

2011 Year in Review and a Decision

January 2011 brought a few things. There have been ups and downs. After taking off my sock and getting a sharp pain in my foot, followed by swelling and black and blueness, I went to the podiatrist and found out that I had broken my little toe as well as 2 bones in my foot. This made me go to the regular doc to find out why a simple thing like taking off my sock could do this to me. They did a dexascan and discovered that I have moderate to severe osteoporosis depending on where on my body it is and that I have probably had it most of my life. This is added to my already degenerating spine and bone spurs I have all over my spine. The good thing about this is that because of this discovery, the doc looked over some of my past scans and said that he believes I broke my neck and that no one ever found it because they were looking for signs of a stroke. They had no reason to be thinking I had brittle bones as I was only 33 when this happened. This really does go along with what I have been telling the docs for 5 years now . I told them there was something wrong in my neck on the first night, they didn't listen. This doc seems to think that it wasn't a horrible break but the location was crucial and the fact that I was put through pretty rigorous therapy without the knowledge of the injury was probably the cause of the second instance. It's all speculation, but it really does make a lot of sense and gives me a little validation. 

January also brought a promotion for Dan as he applied for a senior agent position and got the job. It has been a good thing, but is hard sometimes as the state has gone through several changes and many of them taking away resources from his department. 

February was fairly uneventful. 

In March our van finally died as we were expecting, so we had to find a different vehicle to drive. We were very lucky to have found our suburban and the people selling it were wonderful. They dropped the price immensely and we brought it home and it has been a very good vehicle for us. Only a couple of things have needed fixing and they are things you would expect for it's age and nothing major...(Knocking on wood). 

April brought one year after my surgery. I was pretty upset for a while that I didn't make the 100 pound mark, but I have come to realize that maybe I wasn't suppose to lose that much at once. 

May was a very hard month for the family and even more so for me. Our dog Buddy who had been sick for a while was put down. It was the humane thing to do, but it was and still is hard for me to do. He really was a lifeline for me and there is an empty space in our hearts where he belongs. Anyway, enough about that. May also brought some good things. The teachers and administration at the older kids school called me and suggested we get an IEP for Kyler. All people, including docs, have sort of come to the conclusion that Kyler is mildly autistic. They fixed things so he had special ed accommodations and a few other things and he has for the most part done a lot better. It also meant the end of the school year was near. Kyler did a lot of packets over the summer and only has a few now and is almost on track for graduation. We're keeping hope alive in regards to this.

June brought Aubree starting in cheer and fundraisers and practice, etc. Jake went again to football camp and loved it. 

July, we had a huge BBQ on the 4th. It's fun for us. We played Independence Day bingo. It was really fun and we had little dollar store prizes for winners and stuff. Other than that, the only other thing I can recall from July was Dan and I's 22nd anniversary. 

In August, Dan started a second job at Vivint. It's a pretty good job for a second one and he has been there 4 months and they seem to really like him. It looks like there is a lot a chance to advance in this job, so hopefully we will be announcing advancements soon ;-) August also brought the beginning of school. Kyler started his senior year, Megan her sophomore, Aubree 8th, and Jake 5th. Aubree was deeply involved in cheer and Jake in football. August =busy at our house. Megan was named the chief editor for the yearbook and has done a good job. Also, she finally got her driving permit :-0

September was pretty uneventful, other then Megan turning 16 and I was diagnosed and started medication again for depression...UGH!

October brought Dan's 40th birthday. He posted a great blog post on here then, it's a good read. 

November brought a few sort of scary things. In November Aubree started on a downhill spiral that happened quite fast and ended with her being diagnosed with pretty severe depression and the request for more testing. She really struggled badly and went through a suicidal and cutting phase. Sleepless nights and cry filled days filled much of November. We had a nice Thanksgiving here at our home though. 

This sort of brings me to the next thing. The decision that I have fought making for a LONG time. Be aware, that I did not make it lightly or without careful thought and consideration. I even asked advice from people I trust and respect. It is a decision I have made on my own and for myself and Dan and my kids. It is better to have a mother with a clear head and heart than one who is conflicted all of the time. I know you will all be upset over this, but I had to do it for myself. After I finally decided, I have felt a HUGE weight lifted. 

My "Wizard", ( a neuro-psychologist) that I see a lot taught me this exercise a long time ago that really seems to work. I had forgotten about it to some extent, but today when I saw him he asked me to do it again. What he said was when I am conflicted about what to do or how I feel about something I should sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and think about whatever or whoever the confliction is. If I close my eyes and feel peace thinking about it, then it is probably something I should fight for or consider a good thing, but if when I close my eyes it upsets me in any way, it is probably not such a good thing. The silence and the eyes closed helps ones conscience work better. It also takes away distraction and heightens your other senses. ( one reason you should close your eyes when you pray) So today, as I was trying to work through some of my conflictions I discovered that whenever I think about church it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Basically, Wizard said he saw a complete change in my demeanor when I thought about church. A tenseness. Now don't get me wrong, he would never tell me what to do and he is a very good man who is a member of the LDS church and is very dedicated, all he did was observe me. I thought about this and discussed it with him for a bit and when all was said and done, what I realized is that I literally force myself to go and come home unhappy and unfulfilled every Sunday. Not to mention the physical sickness I come home with most of the time. I literally get a headache and sometimes more by going.  Church is supposed to be a place where you get peace and feel better when you go. I don't. I feel alone and apart and pitied and judged. None of which have any valid reason for happening, but they do. I don't even think people know they're doing it. Now I am not putting blame on anyone but myself. The thing is, if it is doing this to me, there is no reason for me to be going. I know the gospel to be true and I believe that I live in a manner pleasing to God.  I feel that I can be a better wife and mother and good person in general  by taking myself out of this situation. I will no longer be attending church, at least not on a regular basis. I will stay home and spend time with my husband. Our kids will be given their choice and will be supported in whatever choice they make regarding attending. I however will not be going and would hope that those people who know me will respect my decision and know that I am respecting them by stepping away. I would hope that I would be released from any positions I am currently in and be allowed to live my life and Dan and our family allowed to live theirs as well. I love and respect so many people and all I am asking is the same respect in return. At least some of our kids love church and I would hope that they will be shown the same love and respect now without us attending. This doesn't mean we will never be back, just for now is all.

Please know this was not an easy decision, but I have to take care of myself and my family. Right now it needs to be this way. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Trying to Figure Out Why

I know that this is not a happy, grateful, typical Thanksgiving/Christmas post, but it's honest. 

I am constantly being told to just say what I think or feel and not to worry about what others think or say about it. The problem is, when I do this, I am immediately hit with a lecture about how I shouldn't be saying things like that because no one wants to hear things that aren't happy and positive. While I understand that no one wants to be around some one who is just totally negative, how am I supposed to know what is or isn't going to make some one upset. I have actually found that I can say or do something that I feel is totally uplifting and wonderful and then be lectured on how wrong it is or how it's not OK to agree with or think that way. I literally feel as though I cannot say or do anything right. I don't suppose that I have to be right or the best at everything, I am NOT perfect, far from it, but every now and then getting back a compliment or being told "Good Job" would be nice. I am really feeling inadequate at the moment. That's not even true, I haven't felt adequate for a very long time. Here in lies the problem...

I have gone to counseling regularly for 5 years now. I have recently started taking medication for depression...again. I have had major surgery to improve my quality of life and prolong my life. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for myself, my husband, and my kids. Where has all of this gotten me? More sad and depressed than I think I have ever been. I really don't feel there is any reason for my presence in my home. I don't feel there is reason for my presence in my ward, my neighborhood, or anywhere else for that matter. I am so tired of tension, fighting, and general backstabbing and meanness. I honestly can't do anymore for myself or anyone else. I know that this will bring on the lectures on how strong I am and how I can get through things if I just count on God. That lecture is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone could say to me. I spend more time in prayer than anyone could possibly imagine. After more than 5 years, some of which I have been literally fighting for my life, I have ended up in a place where I have almost no friends to confide in, a son who has a lot of issues that he is so stubborn he won't let anyone help him with and who pretty much despises me, a daughter who feels so outcast-ed she has contemplated taking her own life, a husband who is so tired from working so much he can't be who he wants to be, and many other things that I can't put on here for fear of causing major problems in other parts of my life.  How much counting completely on God, handing it all over, can one person do before the twinge of doubt creeps in? I have a strong testimony and know what is right and wrong, but I really can't count on only this anymore. What I have learned in the past few years is that no one ever really forgives you. That people expect you to forgive them for what they do, that it's your duty, but that then to many that means they can keep doing things to you freely and without guilt. Then tell you you are in the wrong because you don't forgive. I have learned that people, even some whom you trust and love, learn things about you and make quick judgments without ever asking you or trying to understand or even ask if it's true. Pretty much everything that I ever believed about many people in the church has been changed forever. I know the church is true and that people aren't perfect and are human, but I have seen so much hypocrisy and contempt by some who use the church as their backing in the past couple of years I don't know what to feel anymore. It would be OK if they were being punished or reprimanded for what they are doing, but they're not. It seems to be an accepted way to be. This is completely in conflict to what the church teaches. Maybe now some of you can understand why I am so conflicted all of the time. I literally have no one or nowhere to turn to try to work through things. I am either judged, betrayed, or ignored. All I have ever asked of anyone is to just listen. Don't fix me, just listen and be there for me while I am trying to work through some of the darkest days of my life.  

I am trying my best, but it simply isn't enough. I am really tired and very discouraged. I really don't know how much more or how much longer I can handle. I need love and attention. Please know that I love my husband and my family. That will never change.

A Pirate Looks at Forty

When I started to look back at my life and contemplate where I am in the journey at the age of forty, an event that could arguably be the middle of my life, I started to feel the tinge of depression.  I have worked so hard for so many years and yet, where am I in the scope of things?  I still struggle every day with my jobs, my family, my religion, my inner peace.  But then my mediation took another turn. 

Where am I? 

I am a high school drop-out who now has three college degrees. 

I am the husband that got married at seventeen years old, and that against all odds, am still married to the same person twenty-two years later, with four great kids. 

I am the outsider whose parents never owned a home until after I moved out, and am the proud owner of a humble, but sufficient abode located on a very small patch of ground just a few yards from where I spent my formidable years in a basement duplex sharing a room with my younger brother.

I am the smoker that picked up the habit while working a summer job at the age of fourteen and quit after the birth of my son. 

I am the drinker that started drinking very young, but gave it up around the same time as the smoking. 

I work two jobs, but I get my bills paid, I have insurance and a 401k, and I am able to provide some of the luxuries of life to my kids.  I don’t make a lot of money, but I make more than a lot of people do and feel that I am blessed to be able to have two full-time jobs when some people cannot find one good job. 

I am at peace with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, although I am having difficulty with my chosen religion and some of the people within it.  I have the mind set that each person has the right to think, feel, and act anyway they desire so long as it does not interfere with another persons ability to think, feel, and act in the manner that they choose to.  To each their own.  Live and let live.    

I still have the urges and desire for my vices, and occasionally they get the better of me, but I keep them under control and have so far been able to avoid re-introducing those habits into my daily life.   

We certainly struggle, but with the help of family and friends, we make it through.  Raising teenagers is much harder than I had imagined it, and everyday it presents new issues. 

I have a hobby that allows me to look at life and nature in a whole new way.  I love to take pictures.  I wish I had time for art school, but for right now, on the job training is teaching me how to better create stunning images.  I shoot various themes, but I love to shoot people.  I love to shoot the beauty and depth that is the human spirit.  Not everyone finds beauty in the shots I take, but I guess that is part of trying to find some sort of inner artist.

I worry about Christy’s health and how much longer her body is going to function, but I am committed to help her with whatever struggles are ahead.

I have many goals that intermix will my standard bucket type list;

I want to be to the point within the next two years where I am able to work just one full-time job.  This requires debts to be paid and advancements to be made, but I will be working toward this. 

I want to remodel my house to include a family room/studio built in the carport. 

I need a new camera, lenses and studio lighting. 

I want to spend more time with my kids doing things that we all love to do.

I want to go to Burning Man. 

I want my insurance to start covering weight loss surgery.

I want to spend more time with my brother and sister and their families.

I want to live long enough to collect the retirement that I work so hard for, and hope that the government does not find a way to take it all away before I get there.

I want to see all of my children graduate from high school, move out of my home, and have families of their own. 

The last forty have been tough and I certainly have regrets, but my trials have put me in the place where I am today.  I regret not spending more time getting to know my neighbors and then having them move and missing the times that we never had.  I regret the financial situation that I am now in that takes me away from family when they need me the most.    

I look at the next forty years with optimism.  I look forward to getting my house paid off and getting a little bit of a nest egg built up so that we, with a lot of luck, will be able to spend quality time with family and friends in retirement.  I value the relationships that I have with the few people that I have relationships with, and look forward to building relationships with more people as time moves on. 

I know that this post has been long and meandering.  Thank you for taking the time to read it, it is nice to know that there are those people in my life that care enough about me to take the time to muddle through my meandering thoughts to see if there was any logical statement of conclusion at the end.  Sorry to disappoint you, this is it.

Randomness

Just sitting here thinking. Since Dan started this second job I have had WAY too much time to just sit and think. Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes not so much. I am one who generally over thinks because I really want things to be perfect. This works well sometimes, but also occasionally gets me in trouble.  

Tonight I took Jake to pack meeting. Jake got his Webelos badge and I think I counted 6 other awards. I was pinning things for quite some time. I am pretty proud of him for doing this, especially since he did this during the last month and missed the first few weeks of scouts after football season started. He is now officially working on his arrow of light then as soon as he gets that he can start going with the 11 year old scouts. Jake really is a hard worker and pretty dedicated to do well in whatever he chooses to do. 

A few weeks ago Dan had a photo shoot with one of the models he has shot several times. I know her fairly well so I decided to go with him this time. Plus, it gives us a while out together. Anyway, after he finished with her he had a few frames left on his card, so he took a few of the two of us. I had not done anything with my hair and was wearing a shirt that was way too big, but I LOVE a few of them. Dan really is talented with a camera and I wish he could do more with this. I guess the time will come. He is a free spirit about many things and it sometimes kicks him in the rear, but everything he does has a good reason behind it, even if sometimes it seems crazy. Here are a few of the pics taken that day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this first one. Even though I don't look my best.

Dan had just shaved of that beard and I was enjoying his face. No, he wasn't making a fist, it's his remote to his camera ;-)

I'm so glad that he did this. As uncomfortable as I am in front of a camera and don't think I photograph well, it's nice to have a way to remember a few of these happy moments together. The last while has been pretty rough on us. This picture makes me happy. 

OK, so I can't think of anything else specific to say, so I'll leave it at this. I told you it was random...LOL

Christy

Thinking Again...I Know, It's a Scary Thing

Over the past couple of weeks I have had several things run through my mind because of several things happening. Most of these things are those that I really didn't ever think would become reality. In hindsight, they had to, at least most of them, but at the very least I had hope for them not to.  

Aubree is starting 8th grade and is on the cheer leading team for her school. This really is a very good thing for her. She has been the one of our kids that has had a hard time figuring out who she is. She has not really been involved in anything until the last year. Last year in the kids new school she had the opportunity to become involved in choir and a few other things which in the end gave her the confidence to try out for the cheer team. She is very dedicated and has made almost every practice (even the 6 AM ones) and given her all. It has been very hard to know that we simply couldn't pay for it. The coaches have been great and tried to have fundraisers, etc., but so far it hasn't done much to help this situation. We think we have finally gotten the financials as far as cheer goes worked out, so hopefully, as long as we figure out how to get all of these uniforms and stuff bought, she'll be fine. Besides all of this, the drama cheer has brought into out life has been pretty hard to take lately. One of the other mothers accused and reprimanded her in front of the rest of the team and without either of us present, then proceeded to tell everyone she knew that our daughter was doing something horrible. While we are not the most strict set of parents, she was not doing what was accused and this other mother was totally out of line in doing what she did. It has been very hard, but I have tried my best to take the high road and let it go. What happened though was as I was working to let it go, this other mother threw it in my face. It's one of the hardest things to hear when some one tells you that you have a horrible child. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am quite proud of myself though, I told her that I know what my child is doing and that she is a good person and that I didn't appreciate her assumptions toward us. Anyway, we parted ways and have since just tried to forget. This is the best thing, as I had to use every bit of strength I have to not punch her in the face ;-) I have been told I'm a bad mother before because of another of my children's actions and sometimes it's hard to keep remembering that I am actually doing pretty well. I do have some strong willed kids, but I think in many cases in life this is a good trait for them to have. Determination brings results. Letting others decide your life isn't not admirable. It doesn't always make it easy as a parent, but I feel like we have instilled in our kids a sense of them knowing they have the ability to fight for what they want and feel they need. 

Over the summer Kyler has worked pretty hard on packets to get some credits made up. Right now he is 5, and testing on one more, packets away from being totally caught up. We are pretty proud of him for doing this. He seems to have finally caught the vision and swears that he is going to work hard and graduate. I cannot express how proud I will be when he does this. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with some of the things he deals with. I'm really hoping for the best here and praying he doesn't let himself and the rest of us down. He has a lot of support at this school from teachers, administrators, and students too and here at home as well.

Megan is starting her sophomore year and has been chosen as the Chief Editor for the yearbook. I have never seen her this excited for school. I have never seen any of them excited like this year. Anyway, she has decided that she is going to focus on school this year and get good grades. This is a huge decision and sacrifice as volleyball has been a huge part of her life. 

Jake is starting 5th grade and has started back with football for this season. It sounds like he is going to be playing the Center position. He says his coach tells him he's the best shotgun snapper. We really like his coaches. They are wonderful men who sincerely care about teaching these boys good character traits and how to be honest upstanding people on and off the football field. He is really a pretty good kid. 

I have had the experience lately of helping my parents with getting to appointments and things. They are aging and slowing down a lot. I know it's inevitable, but the reality that they are not going to always be around is hitting me pretty hard. I really don't know what I'll do when they are gone. 


Recently our neighbors have had to deal with the death of their son. I never met their son, but I have been thinking about them almost constantly. I hope to never have to go through this or any experience like this. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child, even and especially as an adult. I hope they can get through this time feeling the love of God and all of us who are hoping to be able to help in some way. 

Dan has started a second job. He just finished training on Friday and has worked 2 shifts since. He is doing well and already has secured himself some commission. I cannot express how much I appreciate and admire his dedication to doing his best to take care of us. He is so tired and works very hard for us. I really miss him and wish things weren't how they are, but reality is reality and he is doing his best to meet it head on. If we can just get through the next month or so of trying to play catch up, we should be OK and he can relax a little. I love him so much. We have been through a lot in that past 23 years. It really shakes me to my core when things happen and makes me feel insecure about anything regarding us. I'm really trying, but having a hard time understanding why the challenges we have had and continue to face are coming our way. Some one said just earlier today that if we have true faith we don't need understanding. I'm working on that one. I guess I'm not as faithful as I thought I was. Honestly, I have been living solely on faith for years and my issue now is being able to trust it. It's a very scary place to be, but I'm continuing to work on it.  I am still trying very hard to feel more a part of my ward. I know part of my problem of feeling not a part of things is me, but it's going to take some time to be able to regain the trust and feeling of love and acceptance I have felt in the past. Some happenings over the past years have just shaken my ability to trust almost anyone. 

It has been 3 months since we put the dog to sleep. I feel so much like a baby, but I still really miss him. Most days I am fine and don't even think about it, but there are times that I find myself just missing him. He was my sure listener. My "fur therapy" that was always there loving me no matter what. I feel ridiculous for still being this emotionally distraught, but only I know the bond that we had and I have to be able to move on in my own time. I love the cat and he has really tried to take up where the dog used to be there for me, but he is a cat and just doesn't have the same personality. He does come lay by me when I'm really upset about something and it's great. Just not the same though. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a dog, but I still have a gaping empty space in my heart. 

I truly hope there are still some people out there who read this blog. It is a necessary part of my ability to move forward and keep trying to feel better. I have been counseled by a very wise man to do this. I hope that you all understand. 

Christy

More Rambling In the Night

Well, here it is at 1:30 AM...again and I'm awake, typing on this blog *sigh*

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have pretty much been on an emotional and physical and whatever other way you can imagine roller coaster. I can tell you very honestly that it is not a fun ride to be on and that I have wished many times that I had not stood in line to ride it, but I apparently did stand in that line so now I'm on the ride for the duration. It's funny that in my recollection I was standing in line for the nice, slow, relaxing and refreshing ride but somehow I must have stepped into the other line or something...Hmm?

School starts in exactly 22 days. This brings me much happiness in one way, but breeds fear in another. Having 2 kids in high school and one in middle school makes for some pretty expensive weeks ahead. Jake is still in elementary so it's not so bad, but there are still things like school clothes, etc. One plus to having our older kids in a charter school is that they can wear the same clothes they did last year. Their uniforms don't change...YAY!!! They are all going stir crazy right now and are in turn driving me there, so I am thrilled that school will bring back some order to their lives. Kyler is a senior this year and I think (I say this with fingers crossed and much hope) he has finally decided he is going to really work hard this year because he wants to graduate. Megan is a Sophomore and decided to fore go volleyball this year to concentrate on school, plus she is the chief editor for the yearbook this year. Also, she just got her learners permit. It's so terrifying when they are learning. Especially now with all of the construction.  Aubree is in 8th grade and made the cheer team back in April. She has been very diligent and gone to almost every practice, even the 6 AM ones all summer long. Jake is happy with the teacher he got and is hoping to be playing football soon. School time is quite busy, but the order and schedule it provides is so much better for everyone. It really is the most wonderful time of he year. 

Dan will be starting a new, second job on the 8th. We are very excited about this. I am very happy that hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and not be so strapped financially all of the time. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty or like it's my fault that we have been having such a struggle. I know that there is no way I could have prevented what happened to me and that I try to do everything I can to help out here, but it's hard to know that Dan will not be home with us and will be working literally all day every day and how tired he will be. I really hate not having him here, but know it's a necessary thing right now. I don't know how I would have ever survived if we had had kids while he was in the Navy. I guess God knew better!

We had our annual trip to the dentist 10 days ago and I guess it's a good thing we went. Everyone but Aubree had to have work done. Part of my reasons for being awake right now is that my mouth is still hurting from the 2 crowns and some other fillings I had done on Friday. I knew it would cause me a headache, which it has, but my jaw (pried open very wide for 2 hours) and the spots where the temporary crowns are are so sore and nothing seems to get rid of it without me taking something really strong, which I can't do being the responsible adult at home :-) I feel bad complaining too much. Kyler had all 4 wisdom teeth out at the same time as I was having this done, so he is undoubtedly suffering as well. Dan had a crown and Megan and Jake both had some fillings. Thank goodness for a good dental office and the fact that we overpaid a couple of years ago, it made it so we could get all of this done now. I however am not excited to go have more work done in 2 weeks. I hate knowing the headache is coming.

I am trying to find my way to the nice, happy, relaxing ride through life and find myself there every now and then. I am just still trying to stay off the roller coaster. I'm sure I will be on it still probably more than I would ever choose, but I'm working my way off. Let's hope they shut it down for maintenance ;-) 

Christy