Friday, May 27, 2011

"Buddy" December 5, 2003 to May 23, 2011 Our best Doggy In the Window

 This last Monday I did something that was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my entire life. I know that I sound like a baby when I say this, but it really was very hard. The past 5 years have been the hardest and worst years of my life. I have had health problems that for a while I thought would take my life. They didn't, but they certainly changed it. During all of this, I had one very steady, unwavering thing. His name was Buddy. Yes, I have Dan and my kids and family and friends, but there is something different about the four legged furry support and therapy Buddy gave me. It didn't matter what I had done. If I had corrected him or spent time away or whatever. He was always waiting in the window then at the door when I came in. There was some pretty good comfort in knowing that he would be waiting when I got there. He was one that if he thought some one was hurt or hurting, he'd go after who ever hurt them or at the very least give you kisses or snuggles so that you knew he was watching out for you and loving you. He was a fierce defender of our home and of our family. He loved everyone. So fiercely that when some one would try to leave (and I do mean anyone) he would stand between them and the door and bark. I always said he was telling them to have a safe trip home and that they didn't really have to leave ;-) He was even more fiercely loyal to me. All you would have to do is make me feel bad for any reason, then you were toast. 

A little over a year ago Buddy started acting a little weird and appearing to hurt badly and was having problems with the training he had, etc. He would shake like crazy but we for a while just sort of passed that off as his nature because he was a fairly hyper dog. One day it got really bad so I took him to the vet and they told me he not only had a double ear infection, but that he had a bladder stone that would have to be removed surgically to relieve him of the pain. The surgery was horribly expensive so we couldn't have that done. Plus, they said that he would probably have it happen again even if he had the surgery. I battled with myself for over a year trying to decide what to do about this. It seemed that every time I even thought of relieving him of his pain he would rally and act as if there was nothing wrong. I think he knew that I would have a very hard time doing it, so he tried to make me not have to do it.  One day about 10 days ago he laid on the couch all day and whimpered and looked like he was really struggling. At this point I decided that I could not make him go through this any longer. Especially since it was pretty much for me. I made the decision to have him put to sleep so that he would not have to hurt anymore. He fulfilled every measure of his name "Buddy" and more. There is a definite void in our lives and our home now. Even the cat is missing him. It is very quiet and it's hard not to have him in the window watching for us. The only thing that gets me/us through is the knowledge that he is no longer in pain. We are so lucky appreciative to Erica, who helped us so much with this. She works at the vet and held him when it was done so that he wasn't alone. I couldn't do it but am comforted that he was being held and loved when this happen. I couldn't have that picture in my mind, so she did it for me. 

A friend of mine told me to think about it in that he is now sitting at the feet of Heavenly Father. Warming them and giving him the love he has. Also, my sister had to put her dog to sleep a couple of years ago and she thinks that they are now playing together in Heaven, waiting and preparing for all of us. 

He was a spectacular dog. Very loving and loyal and I/we miss him so much. We are working through it, but it's so hard. Life is just not the same. He will be waiting though. He's watching over and protecting us and will be waiting at the door when we arrive. 

God Speed Buddy. I hope your trip over the rainbow was easy and peaceful. Until we meet again. 


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Ramblings In the Night

So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. I go to be between 9 and 10 and then for some unknown reason I wake up about midnight and can't sleep again all night long. Some how though, I can sleep for about another hour or two after everyone leaves for work and school. Not always though. That is when people call and such, plus it's light outside, etc.  
I am sure that this is part of the reason I have had several days of major meltdown. I have had an extremely hard time keeping it together lately. We have been EXTREMELY busy the past week or two as well. I really have a hard time during times like these, trying to not let it get to me that I, simply put, can't do what I should be able to do or want to do. I was telling Dan the other day that it is very hard because I try to push myself to do things I know I have been able to do before and feel like I should be doing, which sometimes I succeed in, but then 99% of the time I do too much and end up hurting and having so many problems that it is 100 times worse than if I had just listened to my limits. It is a vicious cycle that I keep trying to stop. 
I have felt very much alone for the past while. I know that sounds crazy, because I am rarely "alone", but I have felt very much on the outside of mostly everywhere and everyone. I know that my problems are hard to take or to attempt to understand, but it has felt like in the time I have felt like I needed people the most I look around and find many of them not here. All I have ever asked from anyone is to just listen to me while I try to work through my crazy scary life, and then love and care for me for who I am and what I am trying to get through. Good intentions of people tend to make them want to fix things, but things can't be fixed when they are not understood. I don't expect anyone to understand nor fix things,  I just really long for support of my feelings.  I spend a lot of my "alone" time praying for peace and guidance. It has been very hard to try and be patient, especially after doing this steady for almost 5 years. I have had to learn to trust promptings again after having some very bad experiences with what I perceived to be promptings. I know it's hard and frustrating, but all I ask is that those who care about me and/or my family be patient with me while I try to be better.  
It has basically been determined that Kyler is mildly autistic. Nothing is officially diagnosed, but doctors, counselors, educators, and family  have all come to agreement on this. You can trace things all the way back to his toddler phase that show these signs. I wish that some one would have made this clear many years ago, but they didn't, so we are now dealing with it. We are SO very much appreciative of the administration and faculty at his school for the care and concern for Kyler and all of our family. They have been pretty amazing. 
So I am sort of in charge of putting together a bake sale fundraiser for the cheer team at the kid's school. Since we have 2 kids involved in cheer, we certainly need the fundraising ;-)  I have a lot of ideas and hope that people will agree and help this be a success. I could use any help with this. PLEASE let me know if any are willing to donate goodies or anything else. 
I apologize for this being another rant in the night. I am trying every way I know how to make things better all around. Just not perfect at it. I hope that my friends and family who care about me and my family will care enough to be patient with me. I/we need you and notice and appreciate everything that you do.