Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.
The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help. I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time.
We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days.
The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some. What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this.
This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be.