Saturday, July 16, 2011

It's Not On Purpose

Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.

The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help.  I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time. 

We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days. 

The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some.  What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this. 

This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be. 


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finding Purpose

Recently I was in a class and the subject was "Finding Your Purpose". There were other things along with it, but we sort of got stuck on this part, so I guess that was what we all needed to hear. Not to diminish the other parts though. They are important, I just can't remember the others enough to confidently talk about them here. It really did stand out to me though, like I was supposed to hear it when I did. 
For a very long time I have been searching for my purpose. Years ago I thought I had found it, but then everything changed. I guess my purpose in that respect changed. For the last almost 5 years I have been in constant and consistent change, but I think I finally understand why. This doesn't mean I will never have a day of total discouragement, just that for now I understand. When you are going along in life and things are going well you don't expect it to take a major turn and seem to go backwards, but that is exactly what happened to us. Seven years ago we were doing great! Getting ready to buy our house, both of us in school and working, (I had a job as the exec. asst. to the VP of Academics at UVU) kids doing pretty well, finally pretty deeply involved in church and with our ward members. (this is something I think about a lot, that we were doing so well because we had let God into our home and family) Dan was the Young Men's President and things were going pretty well. One day in June of 2004 Dan all of a sudden got really ill and was in severe pain. It was discovered that he had a kidney stone. After a month of trying to figure it out, they discovered and removed a tumor from his parathyroid. This gland regulates levels of minerals and stuff in the body. Therefore his calcium level was unregulated and he developed a kidney stone. During this time I had walked out of my job, and 2 people died withing days of each other. One was my aunt and the other was the person I had been working in place of and the person everyone hated me for "replacing".  I remember telling some one that I never wanted to go through a year like 2004 again. I never did have a year like 2004 again, they got progressively worse. We made so many changes in 2005. We bought our house and a new car, moved Dan's parents in, got new jobs, etc. 2006 hit with a vengeance. This is when I got sick. All of a sudden I was no longer able to work or go to school. Kyler especially was having a hard time in life basically. It seemed, and has continued to seem as though everything I/we had built was gone. I could no longer be the wife or mother I had worked so hard to be and now it was all on Dan to carry us. Anyway, I have gone through so many doctors and tests and have had to learn to advocate for myself so much during these years. I always wondered why I had to o through this. What I discovered was that I had to learn how to advocate for myself BIGTIME, but that when Kyler almost died I was able to advocate for him with some pretty good precision. I would not have know how to do it if I hadn't gone through it myself. Fast forward a few years to a more present time. The last year or so has been very hard on Dan especially. He has had a lot of stress trying to take care of us. He also tries to help his parents and friends, anyone who needs it. What happened though is that he finally hit a wall and just couldn't keep carrying all of this burden.  He still doesn't understand his potential that I  and many others see. He is wonderful the way he is, but has so much more to offer if he would let it happen. This past while has been very hard and trying on us,  but I have learned that some of the things he is dealing with are things that only I can help him with. Only I have the certain specific understanding of him that he needs. I'm not trying to make myself look important or something, but I understand my purpose in these things. I am here dealing with what I'm dealing with because I have a certain special something that Dan and my kids need, that no one else has. I cannot even say how hard the past years, especially the past one, have been, but I'm hoping with a little understanding of why, it will help me to get through it a little easier and better.
Recently some good friends of ours have had a really rough time. I feel like some of the things that we have gone through over the years have made it so that when our friends needed us, we were able to be there for them and they could confide in us and we would know what to say and do to help them. 
Tomorrow will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. We, or at least I, am asked all of the time how we did it. How after getting married at 16 and 17 years old, we have beat all of the odds and stresses against us and stayed together. My answer to that actually sounds pretty simple. It is that not making it work has never been an option. We have and still do actually work through whatever problems and issues arise. Sincere love and fierce loyalty and trust play a huge part as well. The past year has been quite hard at times and a challenge for us, but we continue to fight for us because we love each other and sincerely want our marriage and family to be as good and wonderful as it can be. 
I love you Dan! You are a wonderful husband and a great father and I am the luckiest person because I have the privilege of spending eternity with you and our family.  OK, so these are a little out of order but it's us over the years.
July 8th 1989
Sometime in 1990

Spring 1989

December 2010
December 2010