Thursday, August 22, 2013

More Random Thoughts While Working In the Middle of the Night

So, time has been moving forward at what seems a record speed. While things seem to never change in many areas, it seems to be in a constant state of change in others. 

Megan, Aubree, and Jake are all back in school now. It seems crazy to me that they are all in secondary schools and Megan is a senior. She will be 18 in 19 days. It has already been a shock to my heart/system to have Kyler 19 and an adult, now there will be 2 of them. Kyler really struggles in adulthood and is trying to figure it out, but has a lot fighting back at him. Megan seems to be easing into it fairly well. Hopefully she won't have quite as hard of time adjusting. She will have to spend her entire senior year in school, so I am hoping that might help. 

Aubree is adjusting to high school. Seems to be doing OK. She has loaded herself up with a pretty hefty schedule, but if she can do it she will have herself in a very good position come graduation time. If all goes well, she will have at least an associates degree when she graduates high school. Since she wants to be a Psychology major, any step ahead will be helpful to her. We have every confidence in her, just hope it's not too much.

Jake is up to his eyes in football and figuring out junior high. Dan is the line coach for Jakes team this year. They seem to be having a lot of fun and Jake is increasing his abilities. He seems to really enjoy his German ( he is the class pet basically because Anna was his host sister  last year and Mr Sigafus loves her. She was his TA) class and seems to be settling in pretty well. At least as well as 3 days can be. 

I have been working the graveyard shift for a little over a month now. Honestly, I love this shift and the people I work with. Some days are hard as my body doesn't seem to want to adjust as well as I want it to, but it's coming along. I am just holding my breath until September 15th is past. That is when all of the cuts from the summer team happen. I hope not to be cut ;-)

Dan is enjoying only working one job. He still has his photography that takes up a lot of his time, but he is enjoying being able to choose whether he just stays home or he does something else. It is really nice having him around. Apparently I have turned into a big wuss/baby. I used to be at home with Dan gone for weeks at a time and after the Navy he has consistently had work or school taking up his time. I just miss him too much now when he's gone and can't seem to hold it together without him these days.   

I am really having a rough time right now knowing that winter will be coming. I suffered through last winter quite badly and the thought of it again is literally painful and puts a lot of stress on my head. Between needing to get out of the cold and wanting to be somewhere else, I am constantly searching for some kind of change. I am hopeful to a point that this change will happen, but realistic in the sense that I have been let down too many times to let myself believe it will change. As I have plead with many over the past while for support, I have found a few, but they have their own lives and own problems to deal with and the others that think they're helping like to make me feel worse. Dan and I have made our decisions, and no amount of telling me how disappointed you are or how much this scares you for our or your own salvation is going to change our minds. This is precisely one of the reasons why we left. While many of the teachings in the church are good and right, sooo many people live in fear that if they mess up at all or anyone in their family messes up at all they will not ever be together in the eternities. The more I have pondered on this, the more it actually bothered me that people seem in many cases to live "righteously" because they are afraid, rather than because they know it's right or good. Knowing you will be together for eternity with those you love should be a peaceful, heartwarming thing, not something that scares you or makes you live in fear. It makes me sad to have to try and soothe the fears of those I love because they are worried that I won't make it to Heaven with the rest of them. I believe that the intentions of your heart and the good works are what you will be judged on, not the particular things you may have done in your life. As long as you have not hurt someone intentionally or taken away another persons life or right to express their free agency. There are throngs of people who are good people who believe in God, that aren't in the church. I can't fathom that none of those people will be with their families for eternity. BTW, the "misunderstanding" that people keep referring to things in regards to Dan and I is not and was not a misunderstanding. It was a judgment and one that people still will not accept responsibility for making. There is a galaxy sized difference between leaving the church and turning against or denying God. I have a firm belief/knowledge that there is a God and that all people are his children. I have never once tried to tell anyone or make anyone think otherwise. I have just chosen to worship him differently. This is exactly what I was talking about in the beginning of this. Making people live in fear to keep them "righteously" living. Isn't that a contradiction to what the church is supposed to be? 

Anyway, I'm sorry I seem to have gone off on a tangent again. I really wish I could stop feeling like I need to explain myself. It really shouldn't be that way or matter, but it does to me as all I want is to be loved and accepted. But refuse to any longer be someone I don't like to be or live in fear of not being good enough, to achieve acceptance. 

Thank you to those of you who still love and or care about us. 


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Random Thoughts That Go Through My Head While Working the Graveyard Shift

Well, I had honestly hoped that we would be settling in to our new place in Las Vegas by now. I had a lot of hope for this. I have been contacted several times by several places there for employment. It is so hard turning down interviews. I'm pretty sure that I would have a job in less than a day if I went there and tried. It's not smart though, or realistic to even interview until Dan has a job there. There is no way we could live on my income and it would not be smart to leave what he has here to go to nothing. I will say though, just as I told Dan yesterday. I am at a point where the thoughts keep running through my mind that we should just go and hope for the best. I know what sounds terrible and we won't do it, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. It isn't just me thinking things and wanting to go, my soul needs a new outlook and new scenery. I'm withering away here these days. 

In 6 days Aubree and Jake will start school. Aubree is a Sophomore at Timpanogos High School and Jake is starting 7th grade at Orem Jr. High. I am having a very hard time accepting that Jake is this old. He is my baby. He has also started into football again. He LOVES football and this year Dan is helping coach Jakes team. He is coaching the lineman, which Jake is. Should be fun for both of them. Megan will start her senior year at Timpanogos in 7 days. She is at this point working 2 jobs. She has one at Seven Peaks and it is a summer job, so she prepared for the end and got another job. She is tired and worn out, but she is keeping her word to the first job and learning the other one for this week. Then she will be working at Wendy's on Center and Geneva Rd in Provo. They must have liked her, they pretty much hired her on the spot. Kyler is working at Winco and Wiseguyz (We can't get him to leave there for some reason). He is talking about moving out and into a place with some friends. We aren't really sure about all of this, but he does need to get out on his own so we are trying to support him. He's also in the process of trying to buy a car. The realities are setting in. Payment, insurance, rent, utilities, etc. Hard things to learn. Hopefully he will find his way and be settled and happy. He is not going to school this semester. A bunch of things got away from us and he isn't ready for this one. He will go again in January hopefully. 

Dan recently quit his second job at Vivint. I am working full time and he was running on empty all of the time from working 16 hour days. It is nice to have him around more. I know I am a whiner because I never want him to leave, but this has given him a chance to do things like coaching football and actually being able to attend things with and for the kids. He does have more opportunity to work on his hobby (photography) so that makes him happy. Hopefully I can make up the difference of him not working. He recently got a tattoo. His first. It is supposed to say "Not all who wander are lost!" but somehow the wander got turned in to wonder. It works both ways, but he will have it fixed soon. If I work up enough courage to go do it, we will get matching tattoos of the infinity sign on our ring fingers. Dan has caught the Tat fever now and has a new idea for new tattoos all of the time now. The next one he will get besides the ring finger one will be on his chest, over his heart and will be the kids birth dates. It is nice to feel free of guilt when doing things like getting a tattoo. These are all very meaningful and tasteful, but would have been a big no no a year ago ;-)

Below is something I came across today. I has been on my mind since I saw it. It describes me and many of the decisions I have made over the past year or so. I am very aware that many/most of you don't agree with most of my decisions, but I appreciate the respect to let me/us make them without disowning me or outcasting me. I have really had bad experiences over these decisions and would like to be able to move on and keep at least some of my friends and family intact. Here it is...
This is honestly the best way I can describe these decisions. Also, this is the counsel I have received for people professionally, religiously, personally, etc. As you can probably tell, I have been aching for people to understand me and why I do or have done the things I do. I generally feel as though I am walking the path alone. Although, I do have Dan. I am sure though that there are times he wishes he didn't have my issues and things to deal with. It can't be easy being him. Always wondering and worrying when I may crash and he will have to go back to not only being the sole person caring for our family, but have me to take care of as well. I don't know how I managed to luck out and get him for my husband, but I did and I love him.

OK, enough of my middle of the night rantings. I'm sure I'll be back again soon with more.