OK, so I have really been trying lately to be more positive and upbeat. Today is just not one of those days, sorry. It just seems like whenever I feel like things are going to get better, I have to be sent back to reality. Reality being that something new or a continuation of the old crap is happening. Almost as if whenever I might seem happy or settled, that we can't have that. I must be stressed to the limit. Like it's a law or something.
So for the past while, I have been thinking about what my/our reasons are for being here. When I was a young girl, I thought it was that I was supposed to go places and help people with my musical talent. I was accompanying something or performing in something constantly as a girl and early teen. One day, I just didn't have the desire to do this anymore. I wanted my talents to be for me, not for everyone else. I still try to use my talents to help people, but nothing like before. I don't know if this happened because I had fulfilled this part of my destiny or whether I stopped short of it. Then I thought that to fulfill my destiny was to be a wife and mother. Well, I am still both of those. I think for the most part I do a good job as a wife; although, since I have been sick, Dan has had to take on so many of the things I would normally do that I feel I have been robbed of having the chance to fulfill this part of it the way I feel I should. I feel like I was doing a pretty good job of helping out financially, domestically, and emotionally before, but now it is as if I am the cause of the downfall of these things. As far as being a mother... Well, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at one point a few years ago. Now I pretty much feel like I am just that lady who is only around to make their lives miserable. I used to go places and do things with my kids. Now it's just too much for me to simply go shopping or something. I have been told so many times that I never do anything and all I do is sit and make them work. They never get to do anything fun, etc. One of my children actually tells me I get mad at them only, no one else. Tonight I couldn't even get any ones attention to help me do dinner. One child doesn't thing they need to ask me anything, that I'll just have to deal with whatever is going on. One child has taken on so much responsibility since I got sick that now they think they are the parent. The other just thinks no one likes them. What does this say about the state of my home and family. I am supposed to be the glue that holds us together. How am I supposed to be the glue? I can't even hold myself together. I feel like I am failing miserably at this part of my life. This can't possibly be how it's supposed to be. Poor Dan is doing everything he can. He has to go to work and stuff. How did my house get so out of order? How did I become so obsolete?
My wish is that I hope to be able to continue on and fulfill this part of my life. That part of being a wife and mother. The way I should and want to. I don't know if this wish will ever come true, but I sure do hope so. I love my family too much to not try.