Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fulfilling Our Destiny

OK, so I have really been trying lately to be more positive and upbeat. Today is just not one of those days, sorry. It just seems like whenever I feel like things are going to get better, I have to be sent back to reality. Reality being that something new or a continuation of the old crap is happening. Almost as if whenever I might seem happy or settled, that we can't have that. I must be stressed to the limit. Like it's a law or something.
So for the past while, I have been thinking about what my/our reasons are for being here. When I was a young girl, I thought it was that I was supposed to go places and help people with my musical talent. I was accompanying something or performing in something constantly as a girl and early teen. One day, I just didn't have the desire to do this anymore. I wanted my talents to be for me, not for everyone else. I still try to use my talents to help people, but nothing like before. I don't know if this happened because I had fulfilled this part of my destiny or whether I stopped short of it. Then I thought that to fulfill my destiny was to be a wife and mother. Well, I am still both of those. I think for the most part I do a good job as a wife; although, since I have been sick, Dan has had to take on so many of the things I would normally do that I feel I have been robbed of having the chance to fulfill this part of it the way I feel I should. I feel like I was doing a pretty good job of helping out financially, domestically, and emotionally before, but now it is as if I am the cause of the downfall of these things. As far as being a mother... Well, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at one point a few years ago. Now I pretty much feel like I am just that lady who is only around to make their lives miserable. I used to go places and do things with my kids. Now it's just too much for me to simply go shopping or something. I have been told so many times that I never do anything and all I do is sit and make them work. They never get to do anything fun, etc. One of my children actually tells me I get mad at them only, no one else. Tonight I couldn't even get any ones attention to help me do dinner. One child doesn't thing they need to ask me anything, that I'll just have to deal with whatever is going on. One child has taken on so much responsibility since I got sick that now they think they are the parent. The other just thinks no one likes them. What does this say about the state of my home and family. I am supposed to be the glue that holds us together. How am I supposed to be the glue? I can't even hold myself together. I feel like I am failing miserably at this part of my life. This can't possibly be how it's supposed to be. Poor Dan is doing everything he can. He has to go to work and stuff. How did my house get so out of order? How did I become so obsolete?
My wish is that I hope to be able to continue on and fulfill this part of my life. That part of being a wife and mother. The way I should and want to. I don't know if this wish will ever come true, but I sure do hope so. I love my family too much to not try.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I have never really been one to believe in superstitious stuff. I certainly don't get into the readings and things like that. I do though believe in a higher power. One who is all knowing and gracious and loving. It is sometimes a very hard thing to remember when you are going through trials. I often wonder though if there is a tie between superstition and faith. Really, isn't what most people call "superstition" the belief in something you can't see? Now I don't want any of you reading this to think that I am into some kind of weird thing, it's just a question I had.
Five years ago I had the opportunity to have a job working as an Executive Assistant to the VP of Academic Affairs at then UVSC. It was right after the new President Sederburg had come there. It was also the first year of Summer University, which is a week during which the faculty and staff of the school attends classes and has fun activities. I think it was an inspired idea Pres. Sederburg had. Anyway, I had the opportunity during this time to help with the set up and preparation for this. I had an interesting conversation with the Pres. as we were walking to the opening event of this. He wanted to do a little thing that was like he was a psychic or something, but was worried that it would offend the LDS population in the school. He was not LDS, but one of the best upstanding men I have met. I explained that while LDS people don't believe in "Psychics" and contacting the dead, that we did believe in a sort of faith, and that we could take a joke. That if some one wanted to be upset or offended by that, then they were not being the way the LDS religion teaches anyway. He went on with his psychic joke and it was great. Anyway, we had many chats after that about what Mormons really believed, and it has made me wonder a lot about the question I asked before.
I got a fortune cookie the other day and it said that luck would be coming my way. Then the next few days following I read my horoscope and it said that my luck would be changing and things would fall into place regarding a very personal situation, or something like that. Now I tend to listen more to prayers and blessing and such, but I found it interesting when I received in the mail it had a letter in there informing me that my new SSI hearing had been scheduled. My representative for this called today and said she thought it looked very promising this time. I have to wonder if this is the only way that I am paying attention right now or something. It is not the usual way I get prompted, but I believe that when we are being led in a certain direction, it really doesn't matter how you get the message, just that you get it. I have a very strong testimony of the spirit. It has lead me through some pretty dark times and situations, but I am also aware that some times I am hard to get through to. Maybe it's through these other things that I am getting the message. I am aware that I may be a little stubborn. Just a little though.
OK, I am guessing that maybe I have rambled on and maybe not made mush sense. I guess that's what 1 AM might do to a person.
On a more serious note. I have a neighbor that is really having much to deal with in her life. She has an 8 year old daughter who has an inoperable brain tumor. I have watched and talked with her and am in awe as to how she is handling this. I have my problems that are difficult for me to handle, but I think about hers and realize that mine don't feel as bad anymore. I can't imagine, nor do I want to, what she is going through. Jake is 8 and I look at him and think of the future. It would be very hard to know that there wouldn't be one. Anyway, I am really feeling sad for my neighbor, but she and her family now this is the way it should be and so all of us should take an example from the strength and faith of this family. They are in my prayers and I hope many others as well.
Hopefully I'll think of something more significant to write about soon. Plus maybe I'll write it when I am totally awake.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sorry Ladies, I Got the Best One

He is going to be mad that I wrote this, but I don't care, I Love Him

This picture above is my favorite picture. It was taken at the Senior Ball during Dan's senior year in high school. I love it for so many reasons. First of all, just look at him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall (A big deal for me) and well, he's just gorgeous. I had told my parents from the time I was really little that I was going to marry a tall, blond hair blue eyed guy. I got that and a whole lot more in Dan. Even at this point in time, which had to be somewhere around December 1988, I knew that Dan was the one. If you look in his eyes, you will see that he is a very loving compassionate person, which is the bonus that I got in being the one who gets to share my life with him.

This picture actually makes me cry sometimes. This was the picture taken at the beginning of boot camp. He looks so sad and scared or something. I really love this picture though. I call it his puppy dog eyes. I remember the day he joined the Navy. It seemed at the beginning to be the worst day of my life, but by the end of the day, he had reassured me that this was the best thing for us, that he would have a stable job and income, that we could get married and not have to be apart after a short time in boot camp. Dan has always put his concern for me before his own.

This picture is of Dan waiting in line to board the Carnival Pride cruise ship. Since he had been out of the Navy for 15 years, I guess it was safe to try being on the ocean again. We left out of Long Beach, which is where we lived during his time in the Navy, and where Dan's Ship, the USS Duncan was ported. It was a little weird to be back there and Dan refused to crack a smile until we were on the ship. He really just worried that it would never happen. We really had the best time of our lives. It was a great way for us to be able to spend time together and renew our feelings for each other. Having had me being sick for so long before this trip, the relaxation for him was huge, although he was always right there worrying about me and if I was ok. Once again putting me first before himself.

This picture is of us standing on the beach in Mazatlan. Dan took over 1200 pictures during this trip. He wanted to make sure we had a way to remember it.

So Dan has really been trying for about a year now to get fit. This is a picture of him during one of his lunch breaks last year. Can you see the Y in the background? He would hike to the Y quite often.( For those of you not native to Utah, there is a local mountain here with a concrete Y on it, signifying BYU) He has started to do this again this year. It's about 1 mile straight up and then obviously another down. He had knee surgery about 10 days ago and has already been to the Y with Jake. The knee doctor was like "Cool, well then I guess you are good to go". Dan really works hard to try and be healthy, and also to take our kids when he goes so they will be healthy too. Plus then they get to spend time together.

This is a picture of Dan with my favorite Flash Fox. I guess you could say these are two foxes. :-) Dan loves his job at the McKay Center. He has made many friends there and they love him. Dan works many long hours to make it so me and our kids can have a house to live in and all of the things we need. I hate to sound repeatative, but once again, he has put our needs above his own.

I hope that Dan will forgive me for posting all of this. He doesn't like attention drawn to him, but I feel very lucky to have been the one who gets to spend my life with him. He is a wonderful husband and great father. He would give the shirt off of his back to anyone in need and is one of the first people you will find helping some one, with no regard for himself. We had a lesson in church today about Charity and how it is the Pure Light of Christ. I think that Dan magnifies this and does carry this light in him. I hope that he knows how much I love him and our kids love him. Really, almost everyone I know or have talked to loves Dan. How could you not. The love and care and compassion that he has shown to me especially over the past few years is simply amazing, and I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel for having him.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

It's Been 20 Years and we Still Like Each Other

Today is Dan and I's 20th wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe that it has been this long since we got married. It only makes sense, we are getting older and have teenage children, I guess that how it works. I have been thinking all day long what I might say in this post. I am a sap when it comes to things like this. I also don't believe paths cross by accident.

On July 8th 1989, when I was 16 years old, I married my soul mate. Yes, we are different in so many ways, but we complete each other. Dan was is and always will be my very best friend and soul mate. We were meant to be together. I am happy that he wrecked my sister's car so that we could become friends and then best friends and then husband and wife and mom and dad. (sorry for the run on sentence, I told you I am a sap) I believe Dan was a rebelious teenager so as to be able to meet me, even if it was by "accident" ! Although we have been to there and back, we have worked through things together and found "our" way to live our lives. Marrying him was the best decision I have ever made.

Fast Forward to today, July 8th 2009. (The pic was in February). Yes, we are a little bigger and a little slower. But if you look in our eyes in this picture, you will see the same love and joy as the previous one. We are still in love and I would say more in love than we could have imagined. Life has handed us many challenges, but we are bonded in a way that is strong and unbreakable. I am amazed at how lucky I am to have found him. Together we have conquered and accomplished much and created the family we hoped for.

I Love You Dan. Here looking at 20 more and an eternity !!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Busy week

This has been a very fun and busy week. After Christy's surgery,

I took Kyler, Aubree, and Jake (Megan was babysitting) to the movie UP! in Disney 3D.

Jake had a little trouble getting used to the motion of the picture, but got used to it after a few minutes. We all just loved this movie. After the movie we got subways and played in the park.

We went to an Owlz game.

Yesterday. Christy's sister and her husband invited us to go four-wheeling with them up by Strawberry. Everyone who wanted to got to drive the four wheelers, even Jake. We all came home burnt and sore, but we had a great time.

Tonight we are having a bbq at our house and lighting fireworks. Should be a lot of fun. I love summer. Christy is doing much better. She slept last night without the aid of any pharmacutical products. Thanks to all the concern and assistance provided to our family in the last few weeks. Dinner (and lunch, and even breakfast) were provided by our many friends and family members often after the surgery and our children were looked in on and taken care of. There have been many night that I have spent in the hospital with CHristy in the past few years, and it has never been easy, but it has been much easier knowing that there are paople we can always count on to care for those that we love.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

An Update

So I just thought I would pop in and say that we are doing ok for this minute. Life isn't ever easy for us it seems, but we are moving along.

We are not sure whether Dan is going to have his knee surgery on the 9th or not, but we will see. I really hate places that claim to be non-profit, but hold your health hostage if you can't pay up front. Anyway, off that soap box.

Many decisions are in process of being made here. We are still waiting for Social Security to make some kind of determination, but things are seemingly coming together and looking somewhat in my favor. I never let my hope get out of hand though. Reality stinks when I am not prepared for it.

The move to St. George is still a possibility, different circumstances than a month or two ago, but nevertheless another decision to be made. All but one of the kids have decided that they want to give it a shot and move. They weren't coaxed or anything. It's nice to see them thinking about things and taking their decisions seriously. Stay tuned for more information on this.

Megan and Aubree both went to the Atoa Volleyball camp. Sam Atoa is the coach of the UVU volleyball team. They enjoyed themselves a lot. They both got cool shirts and UVU volleyballs. We are happy to see our girls getting involved in things.

Kyler continues to be involved with training for football. He is starting to look pretty tough. He will be on the sophmore football team at Mountain View High School this year, providing we are still here. He recently got a job working at the McKay Center at UVU. He is really excited. He did this pretty much on his own. He had to submit and app and interview and everything. We are really proud of the determination Kyler has shown lately to move forward with his life. Especially after the year he has had.

Jake is still adjusting to life without Max here. He has spent a few days with him, but finds himself not knowing what to do with himself. He will be starting tackle football in a few weeks. He is really excited.

Dan and I are just trying to get through tough times and make decisions that we feel are best for our family. I am doing my best to heal and Dan is doing his best to keep things together and moving along. It can't be easy for him to have to take on everything because I am down. He is tired and beat down, but he is strong and doing a great job.

Hopefully Dan will post again soon. I told him that he needs to post more so people don't get sick of me.