Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Little Bit of an Explanation

A few days ago I really had a very rough night. It was really hard for me to get through and I honestly didn't know how I was ever going to get past it. I am still VERY upset and hurt, but I am trying hard to get past it. It hurts not only me, but when I see my friends and others going through it as well it hurts.The one thing that I have maintained throughout all of the past couple of years and most of my life really is that yes, forgiveness is on you personally, that you can choose to be hurt or offended and that you should just simply forgive no matter what. While this is true and good, there comes a point where it isn't possible and letting it go becomes enabling to the offending party and makes all things in the end worse. You can't forgive a person if you can't forget the issue, and you can't forget the issue if you are constantly being reminded of it. Or if something new is being thrown at you. Not forgiving can consume a person with bitterness and anger, but letting someone continue belittling you causes depression and self worth problems and MAJOR confusion. This is something I saw a few days ago and I believe if people would really take note of it and try to remember it the world would be in a much better state...
There is an old saying that sticks and stones can break bones but words can never hurt you. This is completely untrue in my opinion. In order for something to be said, you have to think about it and therefore it's what you feel and words unlike the other repairable things, cannot be taken back or the wounds made by it simply fixed. Words are much more harmful than sticks and stones. You can't repair a persons heart or their soul by medication or a band aid or stitches. Think of it this way, childbirth is one of the most painful things a person can ever have to go through, but the pain is forgotten as soon as the beautiful baby is presented. Simply telling someone they are not worth anything goes straight to a persons soul and can't really be forgotten because there is nothing beautiful to replace it. 

While I can't divulge who, because of the relationship it is and not wanting to burn a bridge, there is someone who has really made it a point lately to let me know what a disappointment me and my husband and kids are. It has been a year since we announced we were leaving the church. While there has been an ongoing uncomfortableness for us since then and we have endured an extended family member completely verbally driving us into the ground on Facebook, this one now is so much worse because of who it is. I honestly don't think they know they are doing it, or I may have reacted much more sternly, but it has broken my heart and hurt me to my core. I mentioned a while back that Dan and I were in the process of having our records removed from the church. I was then told that if we did that, we were ruining the entire family's chances at an eternal life together. I have been told that my husband is loved beyond measure, but if we were to move to Las Vegas (which we will do someday, I can't take the cold and the general environment here anymore)that he would become a gambling addict alcoholic that would make our lives miserable. Now, while I won't deny that we occasionally have a drink, that while in Vegas we gamble a little, how does "love beyond measure" and "gambling addict alcoholic" make sense? I have been told I am way too touchy about stuff SOOOO often that it's ridiculous, but really, I'm not the one getting upset, I'm am simply being expected to be upset so I am punished for it anyway. This is so much of a problem that people feel they have to warn people that we might be somewhere so to be sure that they don't offend us. Um, it's not the others who are offending us!!! It has been 3 1/2 years since my gastric bypass surgery. I have done what I think is a pretty good job of keeping the weight off. The past couple of months I have gained back about 15% of the weight I lost. I am mortified about it. I really don't know why, but it has been stressful and my diet hasn't been the best. Honestly though, 15%? It is something I can fix and get a handle back on. The other night this is what was said to me after not being spoken to all night..."Are you gaining your weight back? I knew it wouldn't work." Now, I guess this shouldn't upset me that much, but honestly, I cried after that. I have become so rotten in this persons eyes that they can't even muster up some tact to nicely ask me about  something they know I have spent years trying to make better. Even if it is out of love and concern, there are nice ways to say things.  When someone wants to know why I finally made the decision to leave the church, here is the answer. I know most of you will disagree about how valid it is and that one isn't the other, but here it is. When I can go from being a person who is in the eyes of many a strong, god fearing, good mother who tries to love everyone, who is service oriented, who has fought her way back from life changing sickness to be working and contributing to her family even when I am in pain and feel horrible, who used to have a house full of kids in the neighborhood and elsewhere who loved being at her home,  who has a good compassionate, non-judgmental and open minded and loyal husband who loves me and our kids fiercely, to a person who has ruined an entire family's chances at eternal salvation, who's husband is a irresponsible scumbag(or will be)with no self control, and that is teaching bad things by example, that people will not allow their kids to even talk to no less be in my home,  and that's just the tip of the iceberg, all because we decided to worship our God differently, it has caused enough confusion and question that I could not pretend I was sure and knowledgeable about the church anymore. If the gospel is right and true, which I'm not saying it isn't, then many of the people in it shouldn't be showing the opposite. I should mention, that in almost every case of reprimand, the person has used the church as their backing or reasoning for making me see the light and how wrong I am.  I am still the same person I have always been, I simply don't have the guilt and constant pressure to be perfect anymore. Life as a human being is not to be lived in fear of making a mistake, it should be with having the knowledge that if you do make a mistake, it's yours and yours alone and you figure out how to fix it and move on, and that you have the right, no matter what religion you are, if any, to call upon God as you are one of his children. Not to be told you have lost your right to God because you are too far gone and undeserving of his love.  I honestly have been told so many times in the past few years how misguided and naive I am about things that is has caused me to really study into why people would think that and the answer I have found is that in WAY too many cases a person is not to have their own ideas or way to handle life, but to only do it as told. I was taught that when something is presented to you, by anyone, no matter who it is, that you do your own soul searching, you pray and you come to your own knowledge if it is right and true. All mankind is human and therefore not perfect and too many live in fear and depression because they can't ever seem to do it right enough or good enough.  I think you get the picture. I am doing my best to get past the hurt from this particular person, but again, it is very hard and made even harder by the continuation of this treatment. I don't want to cause any more problems with anyone, but it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, it always ends up that way. 

Earlier today I had to go to PTC's. I always dread this. I really dislike hearing that my kids aren't doing their best. I know they can do better. I hope they stand up and show people who they really are. 

Jake has one more week to let his broken heel heal. It has been pretty rough on him to not be able to play, but he has been to every practice and game and will be ready to get right back in it when the Dr says it's OK.  Aubree went to Homecoming last weekend. It was her first high school dance. She seemed to have fun. We found one of my dresses in my closet and dressed it up with the help of Grandma Hansen and it looked nice. Megan turned 18 on the 10th. We had a little cake for her and had dinner on Saturday at a place of her choice. It was nice. Kyler is still living out on his own, but it looks like he may be moving back home in a few weeks. He seems to have made some good decisions and changes while he has been gone. We will see how that turns out...stay tuned. Dan is enjoying his ability to pursue his hobby and to get to be able to coach for Jake's team. He will most likely be getting a partial knee replacement in the next few months. I am happy for him that he will not be in pain anymore and be able to run and hike and whatever pain free. 

The past few days we have really been missing Anna. I would have never believed that I would be this attached or that it would be this hard to let her go. She really dove in and found a place in our hearts and we love her. We are very happy for her to be back with her parents, who btw are wonderful too and considered family as well, but lately that hole in our hearts seems to be exposed more. Not sure why, but we will be OK. We just miss her smiling face and positive influence in our home and family. She is moving on with her life in Germany and we are happy for her. I don't think she or her family will ever really realize the impact they have had on us. For me, especially from Sarah, who has really shown me you can do it even when it seems impossible. She has been an example of strength and perseverance to me and when I really needed to see it was possible. And it probably doesn't show, but her positive attitude has had a HUGE impact on me. 

Oh yes, and FYI, I still have my job. I guess I must be doing something good. I feel pretty comfortable here. I feel like most of the people I work with seem to like me and they are all pretty cool. I am proud of myself for making the cut. I couldn't even have imagined a year ago that I would be working a full time job, let alone graveyards and one that I would have to prove my worth to keep.  I will continue to search for something in LV but for now I am in a pretty good position here. Just need to not have to deal with the winter anymore. It hurts me ;-) 

OK, I guess this is long enough. I hope there are still people out there who read it. 


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Little Meltdown Moment

So, the last week has been quite a ride for me. I'm not sure how I am still standing most times. Too many life changes and hits keep coming all at once. I am sincerely trying to keep an upbeat and positive outlook on life, but I am failing miserably and I know it. My body knows it, my subconscious knows it, anyone who lives with or is around me very much knows it. It is not something I can simply think or smile my way out of. I am pretty much in a deep depression, brought on by major stress from life and physical stress I push myself through. I wish every minute of every day that things would change for the better, but through no lack of trying to make things change and not sitting back waiting, things have at very least stayed the same or gotten worse in some cases. 

As many know, the survival of the company I work for depends largely on sales made mostly in the summer. It is like 80 percent or something dependent on summer sales and is what pulls the company through the rest of the year. Therefore, the staff who creates the accounts is ramped up as well. I knew when I hired on the it was a summer position but was assured that I was almost guaranteed a job after the summer season. I do pretty well at my job. I have had mostly high 90's score cards and even a few 100's (which is very rare in my position) and I feel like I am fairly well liked by most I work with. Knowing the summer was coming to a close, I elected to try and transfer to a different dept to ensure a permanent position. I was successful in getting the transfer and went to 2 weeks of training for the new position. It was NOT a good fit for me and by sheer luck(and a loving husband), an email was forwarded to me about how there was a couple of positions back in the first dept, only working on the graveyard shift and working a lot with New Zealand.  This was something I had tried to get before with no luck, but figured I had a little more experience at this point but was afraid it wouldn't happen because I had just transferred. Luckily, the guy who was making the request to fill those spots likes me or something and was able to talk to the forces that be and I got to fill one of those spots. I was quite excited as this seemed much more permanent. I was wrong on the sure part though. I, with most of the rest of the department am still waiting for the confirmation that I will still have a job beyond Sept 15th. It looks promising and I am trying not to worry too much, but if I happen to not have a job it would be very bad for us. Dan, thinking I was safely in a permanent position, quit his job at Vivint, so it would put us out a lot. I can't say I like the way things are being handled in regards to this. There is entirely too much talk by some of the powers that be and not enough real information for those of us who are waiting to find out our fate. A LOT of hearsay though... So that's one part. Waiting to find out whether I still have a job or not.

Over the past few months, we have had many issues while trying to help Kyler become a responsible, independent adult, but also making him tow the line as a member of our home. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, but still has to respect our home and the people in it, which means letting us know when he would be home, etc. Things came to a head and I had to pretty much give an ultimatum that he was more than welcome to stay, but he had to respect the rules of our home and the people in it. He chose to move out. I am happy for him that he has chosen to move forward in his life, but really don't like the way in which it happened and really dislike that he feels we kicked him out or don't want him around. This is FAR from the truth and I hope he realizes it. I have had a bad feeling from the start of this and hope it's just me being a worry wart and that something bad isn't looming. Adjusting to having adult children is hard enough, when the added stress of them thinking you can't stand them is included it is heartbreaking.  At least to this mother...

Jake is back in football for the season. Dan is coaching on his team this year. It makes me happy, but sometimes it's hard having him gone every night again. I just got him back ;-) The girls are in school too and Megan is working. This proves complicated to try and keep things in order in the house. I am always exhausted and they are always busy and gone, so our house suffers. Then I get frustrated and try to do it all and my health suffers so it just goes around and around in that vicious circle. I seem to be pushing it a lot with my health, I simply can't stand not being able to do things I feel I need to be doing. Problem is that at a certain point, my body lets me know I'm done by pretty much shutting down or at very least puts me in enough pain I can't go on. Some times stubbornness and sheer will doesn't win ;-) I pretty much live in fear of which day I'm just not going to be able to get out of bed. Some days, like today, I am extremely slow, but so far I have managed to get out of my bed. 

Someone posted this next little thing on Facebook the other day and I found it to be so much of what I have been trying to be and say and it really hit me how true it is. Please read it and understand me in the process...

It is so important to remember this.

This is one of the other major things that has been bringing me down lately. Well, for actually quite some time now. It is a horrible feeling to be in a room full of people and feel completely alone and to know that the majority of those who are there and would normally talk to me don't dare now because they think I am a different person. I am no different than I ever have been when it comes to others. The things that have changed are mine and mine alone and haven't changed who I am, they have changed how I do things and how I feel about some things. My heart is still the same, although it is broken and dented and scarred, so I sometimes have to be cautious in order to not let it be hurt anymore. I still love and care about others. I would still do anything I could to help someone in need. I would still be a good friend with a listening ear, although I don't seem to have any who come to me anymore. I haven't treated anyone badly. All of this has come from me making choices for myself that others don't agree with. It hurts to be me now. I have a firm belief that when I face the judgement, I will be able to say that I am not now and have never been perfect, but I did show love and kindness to everyone, regardless of any differences, that I believe there is some good in everyone, even if it's hard to find. 

The other night I almost accidentally stepped behind a moving car. Someone caught my attention or it could have been bad, but almost the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life was the thought I had immediately after this. That was that I really felt like if I had not been alerted and the worst happened, who would really miss me? Would a huge burden on the parts of many be lifted? It's hard to come to the reality that you are a burden on people and that they could have a much easier life if you weren't there. Now before everyone goes of and thinks I'm contemplating something, I'm not, this has not been the case and isn't now. It is a really discouraging feeling when one feels like they are a burden. 

Between all of these things and several others. I am simply physically and emotionally exhausted and some days (a  lot lately) It is just too much and all I have ever asked for is love and support. Which is what I strive to give in return, sometimes to my own detriment. 

Hope all of you are well...