Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Stereotypical Thanksgiving Post

So I woke up at around 3:30 this morning in a panic about something and haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I thought I would put in writing some of the things I am thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family. Even though it doesn't seem like it all of the time I really am thankful for Dan, Kyler, Megan, Aubree, Jake, and of course Buddy and Tazzy. I know it seems a little cheesy to include the dog and cat in this list, but they really are very special and important to me. Non judgmental and soft and furry. They just love me no matter what. I may complain and feel bad about situations in my home that I am dealing with, but I LOVE MY KIDS! I waited a long time for them and I know that things will turn out. We just have to get through these teenage years so we can all remember the love. I am so proud of them for who they are and their accomplishments. 
I LOVE DAN!! The past few years, and especially the past year have been a huge challenge for us, but we love each other so much and will make it through some how. Dan is what I dreamed of always. He works hard for us and loves us. He would do anything for us. Getting the person of your dreams does happen, sometimes they fall in your lap. Or in my case show up by accident ;-) I just hope he remembers how much we love and appreciate him. I don't know if I would still be here if Dan had not been there to hold me up, sometimes literally. I just wish I was able to return the favor. I just wish he knew of the love I have for him.

I am thankful for both of our extended families. It is very much an interesting and somewhat unique dynamic between all of us, but it is all centered and based on love. Even when we disagree. I watched my family pull together in times of need this year, and it was heart warming to see just what we can do when we remember who we are and who's we are. Just thankful that we still have all of the family here with us. Many have helped us in so many ways over the past years and I hope they know it has not gone un-noticed.

I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through everything. Those who still love and care about us even with our faults. I am so grateful to have good neighbors. We have had some scary ones in the past and it's wonderful to have nice good people to live by. I'm thankful for a wonderful loving home teacher (you know who you are) that has been there for us in ways we cannot share. We love you just as if you were our family.

I am thankful for my home. It's a humble home, but it's all that we need and is comfortable and especially this year I am grateful to have it. I am luckier than so many people who don't have one. I am also thankful that Dan has a job. It's not his dream job, but it is a job and it's more than many have right now. I am also thankful for good doctors who truly try to help me and my family. I am actually looking forward to a longer future because of some skills of these men and women. They have also used those skills on many family and friends who may not have been with us this Thanksgiving otherwise.

 I am thankful for my knowledge of the gospel. I know that this is probably not the forum for testimony, but it is what has pulled me through some very hard things in my life, especially during the past few years and definitely the last few months. It really is the only hope that holds me up some days. Yes, I have my times that I am not as strong as I should be in this, but the roots are there. 

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and holiday season. 


Saturday, November 20, 2010

7 Months

These are a few pics of me at 7 months post surgery. I am sort of stuck at around -85 pounds. I have 5 months to lose 15 in order to hit my goal. According to the docs and their "ideals" I have around -40 more pounds to go altogether. I'm hoping, but am also realistic. I will be very happy at the -100. Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself in this way. I can wear Aubree's pants!!! I was able to find clothes I can wear in a normal place today and a few times lately. I am very happy about this. 

OK, here are the pics...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Not Sure Why I'm Here

I know, I'm not supposed to write about things on here that aren't positive and uplifting, but sometimes there just isn't much else to say but the feelings in my heart. Some tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, that I am just pessimistic or something. Really I am not a negative person, I have just had so many things go on for such a long time that it sometimes comes to a point where I can't look at things and be positive. 

I'm not sure how to get some of this out without making some one feel bad, or worry some, and for this I am`sorry, but I can't just keep everything in all of the time because I don't want to hurt some one. I certainly don't seem to get the same consideration from many. 
I am at a point in my life where I am struggling to find my meaning. It seems that my calling in life is to bear every one's burdens and do it with a smile. While I would love to have the strength and ability to do this, the reality is that I don't have those things and it's not my responsibility to bear everyone elses burdens. I do my best to help my family and friends, but I am carrying a very huge load of my own and simply can't carry it all. 

I have been in counseling for several years now. It has really helped me in this area. The problem now is that so many of those that have encouraged the counseling don't like the person I have become. I have been counseled to not carry feelings, to let it out when I don't agree. That I should stand up for what I feel to be right. This is where I feel I have a strength. I am a very "go by my gut" person. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. At least not for me. That is how I am. I don't think everyone is, nor should be the same. There has to be different personalities or there would be no purpose for people to exist. One of my biggest issues I'm dealing with right now is that I have started in the last several years to stand up for myself instead of cowering and people really don't like it. It's really heard when the same people who wanted me to get counseling don't like what I'm being taught. It's as if they just wanted me to get straightened out so I could deal with cowering, not actually learn and gain strength from it. 

As many of you know there have been a lot of things change in our home and family in the last few months. This I feel is almost a bigger trial than what I thought was the biggest trial of my life. I feel like our family is falling apart. Not only our immediate family that lives here in our home, but our entire family on both sides. We seem to be being tried from every side. It has become a situation where a gathering cannot happen without there being a situation where people must "pick sides" to be able to feel they are part of the family. This type of thing has no place in a family. I realize that here in my home I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which are girls and that there is a dynamic in teenage life that is simply argumentative, but these kids have taken it to a whole new level. I'm not sure I can salvage a relationship there. They are mean and hateful to each other, and to me. I am told on a regular basis that I have no idea what life is like for them and that I don't care. That I just want to yell and scream at them. I have been pretty good to them I think. I know they don't really mean a lot of what they say, but I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually do feel that way. That I really am just a pain in their rear ends. I have spent countless hours at school, at home and many other places trying to make sure they have everything they need and much of what they want. Even Jake has started letting me know of all my faults lately. I really feel very much unloved by my kids. It breaks my heart that my kids feel this way about me. I still move on everyday, hoping that that day will be better. My hope is fading. I love my kids and my family. Just feel like it isn't reciprocated very much. 
I feel lost and frustrated when it comes to Kyler. He is a good kid with many issues himself to deal with. We have to have a firm hand with him, but it doesn't seem to work very well anymore with him. He simply doesn't get it and then feels bad when things don't work out. The frustration level with trying to understand and help him is so high right now, I find myself crying at various times throughout a day just to have one good day, or minute for that matter, with him and for him to gain some understanding of why he's in some of the situations he's in. It's very hard to keep doing things to help when you know it isn't helping. But if I stop trying to help, then I have given up on him. Something I will never do, but sometimes don't have the strength to keep the hope going . I love Kyler. I just have to try and remember that it isn't really him talking much of the time. This is not an easy task when I am being torn down to an inch tall and told how terrible I am on a regular basis. 

Then there is Dan. I love Dan, Dan loves me. We have just come to a point where we have some pretty major differences on things. I am painfully aware that the reason our home is in chaos is because we are not able to be in agreement on many things. Throughout our marriage we have been very careful to not let our kids be in the middle of things when we disagree. Lately we can't seem to agree on much though, so our kids are stuck "picking sides" like a mentioned before in regards to the big family. I am feeling quite vulnerable and insecure when it comes to Dan. I really don't feel I know where I stand with him anymore. We really need some time away to regain some perspective and remember why we chose each other. This is something important to do, time away, but there is no way to get it right now, and there is pretty much no hope of it in the even distant future. We can't even go out on a Friday night. Our situation won't let us. If we take time for us, we lose something. I believe this is the most worried I have been in regards to us ever.  I know that Dan has had a lot to deal with and that I am not the easiest person to love sometimes. Especially since I got sick, but I am still the same person I have always been, I'm just more open when it comes to standing up for what I feel and believe in. We are of opposite opinions in how to deal with so much now, which in the past has been a good thing, because we have been able to take our opinions and put them together and come up with "our" solutions. We have had unwavering support for each other, even in disagreement. I think that is where we are lacking now, and it's scary to feel unsupported. Not to mention that our outer support system seems to have left us. Although, Dan won't let it in, and I count on it, so it can't work like that.

Pressures in life are inevitable, but sometimes they are so great that we simply cannot handle them on our own. Also, just because things keep getting worse, doesn't necessarily mean we have done something to earn them. This is a huge deal with us right now. We have tried to be good people and do good and right things and feel somewhat unsure about why things are happening to us the way they are.  We need love and compassion and support in the fact that we are trying to make it through the best way we can. It seems though that much of the "support" we get is by letting us know of our faults. So the question is how we are supposed to keep a positive attitude if we are always doing everything wrong. Anyone have an idea on how to do that?  

I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately, asking for help and guidance. Sometimes to just get through the day. It does help. I am just aware that I can't do it all alone. That is what I feel now though. A lot of loneliness. Many offer to help in whatever way they can. I take the help where I feel I can, but want to keep what's left of my happy home as well, so I have to turn some of it away. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I hope that people understand. Now more than  many times in the past, I need friends and support. I know you're all there and I do appreciate it. It's what keeps me going. I hope this doesn't turn you away, that is not what I have meant to do. I just have to get it out sometimes.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Sorry everyone. I changed the background and can't figure out how to change the font for the last post. Hope you can read it.