January 2011 brought a few things. There have been ups and downs. After taking off my sock and getting a sharp pain in my foot, followed by swelling and black and blueness, I went to the podiatrist and found out that I had broken my little toe as well as 2 bones in my foot. This made me go to the regular doc to find out why a simple thing like taking off my sock could do this to me. They did a dexascan and discovered that I have moderate to severe osteoporosis depending on where on my body it is and that I have probably had it most of my life. This is added to my already degenerating spine and bone spurs I have all over my spine. The good thing about this is that because of this discovery, the doc looked over some of my past scans and said that he believes I broke my neck and that no one ever found it because they were looking for signs of a stroke. They had no reason to be thinking I had brittle bones as I was only 33 when this happened. This really does go along with what I have been telling the docs for 5 years now . I told them there was something wrong in my neck on the first night, they didn't listen. This doc seems to think that it wasn't a horrible break but the location was crucial and the fact that I was put through pretty rigorous therapy without the knowledge of the injury was probably the cause of the second instance. It's all speculation, but it really does make a lot of sense and gives me a little validation.
January also brought a promotion for Dan as he applied for a senior agent position and got the job. It has been a good thing, but is hard sometimes as the state has gone through several changes and many of them taking away resources from his department.
February was fairly uneventful.
In March our van finally died as we were expecting, so we had to find a different vehicle to drive. We were very lucky to have found our suburban and the people selling it were wonderful. They dropped the price immensely and we brought it home and it has been a very good vehicle for us. Only a couple of things have needed fixing and they are things you would expect for it's age and nothing major...(Knocking on wood).
April brought one year after my surgery. I was pretty upset for a while that I didn't make the 100 pound mark, but I have come to realize that maybe I wasn't suppose to lose that much at once.
May was a very hard month for the family and even more so for me. Our dog Buddy who had been sick for a while was put down. It was the humane thing to do, but it was and still is hard for me to do. He really was a lifeline for me and there is an empty space in our hearts where he belongs. Anyway, enough about that. May also brought some good things. The teachers and administration at the older kids school called me and suggested we get an IEP for Kyler. All people, including docs, have sort of come to the conclusion that Kyler is mildly autistic. They fixed things so he had special ed accommodations and a few other things and he has for the most part done a lot better. It also meant the end of the school year was near. Kyler did a lot of packets over the summer and only has a few now and is almost on track for graduation. We're keeping hope alive in regards to this.
June brought Aubree starting in cheer and fundraisers and practice, etc. Jake went again to football camp and loved it.
July, we had a huge BBQ on the 4th. It's fun for us. We played Independence Day bingo. It was really fun and we had little dollar store prizes for winners and stuff. Other than that, the only other thing I can recall from July was Dan and I's 22nd anniversary.
In August, Dan started a second job at Vivint. It's a pretty good job for a second one and he has been there 4 months and they seem to really like him. It looks like there is a lot a chance to advance in this job, so hopefully we will be announcing advancements soon ;-) August also brought the beginning of school. Kyler started his senior year, Megan her sophomore, Aubree 8th, and Jake 5th. Aubree was deeply involved in cheer and Jake in football. August =busy at our house. Megan was named the chief editor for the yearbook and has done a good job. Also, she finally got her driving permit :-0
September was pretty uneventful, other then Megan turning 16 and I was diagnosed and started medication again for depression...UGH!
October brought Dan's 40th birthday. He posted a great blog post on here then, it's a good read.
November brought a few sort of scary things. In November Aubree started on a downhill spiral that happened quite fast and ended with her being diagnosed with pretty severe depression and the request for more testing. She really struggled badly and went through a suicidal and cutting phase. Sleepless nights and cry filled days filled much of November. We had a nice Thanksgiving here at our home though.
This sort of brings me to the next thing. The decision that I have fought making for a LONG time. Be aware, that I did not make it lightly or without careful thought and consideration. I even asked advice from people I trust and respect. It is a decision I have made on my own and for myself and Dan and my kids. It is better to have a mother with a clear head and heart than one who is conflicted all of the time. I know you will all be upset over this, but I had to do it for myself. After I finally decided, I have felt a HUGE weight lifted.
My "Wizard", ( a neuro-psychologist) that I see a lot taught me this exercise a long time ago that really seems to work. I had forgotten about it to some extent, but today when I saw him he asked me to do it again. What he said was when I am conflicted about what to do or how I feel about something I should sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and think about whatever or whoever the confliction is. If I close my eyes and feel peace thinking about it, then it is probably something I should fight for or consider a good thing, but if when I close my eyes it upsets me in any way, it is probably not such a good thing. The silence and the eyes closed helps ones conscience work better. It also takes away distraction and heightens your other senses. ( one reason you should close your eyes when you pray) So today, as I was trying to work through some of my conflictions I discovered that whenever I think about church it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Basically, Wizard said he saw a complete change in my demeanor when I thought about church. A tenseness. Now don't get me wrong, he would never tell me what to do and he is a very good man who is a member of the LDS church and is very dedicated, all he did was observe me. I thought about this and discussed it with him for a bit and when all was said and done, what I realized is that I literally force myself to go and come home unhappy and unfulfilled every Sunday. Not to mention the physical sickness I come home with most of the time. I literally get a headache and sometimes more by going. Church is supposed to be a place where you get peace and feel better when you go. I don't. I feel alone and apart and pitied and judged. None of which have any valid reason for happening, but they do. I don't even think people know they're doing it. Now I am not putting blame on anyone but myself. The thing is, if it is doing this to me, there is no reason for me to be going. I know the gospel to be true and I believe that I live in a manner pleasing to God. I feel that I can be a better wife and mother and good person in general by taking myself out of this situation. I will no longer be attending church, at least not on a regular basis. I will stay home and spend time with my husband. Our kids will be given their choice and will be supported in whatever choice they make regarding attending. I however will not be going and would hope that those people who know me will respect my decision and know that I am respecting them by stepping away. I would hope that I would be released from any positions I am currently in and be allowed to live my life and Dan and our family allowed to live theirs as well. I love and respect so many people and all I am asking is the same respect in return. At least some of our kids love church and I would hope that they will be shown the same love and respect now without us attending. This doesn't mean we will never be back, just for now is all.
Please know this was not an easy decision, but I have to take care of myself and my family. Right now it needs to be this way.