Earlier I was in the van and heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. While she is not one of my favorite people to listen to, I have heard that song before and it always makes me cry. It is literally a song about my life. I have been encouraged to listen to it by others many times, and they're right. I am aware that I have a hard time seeing the positive a lot of the time. I hope that all of my family and friends understand that I really do try to see life in a more positive light. It's just very hard for me sometimes.
There is a line in the song that says..."There's always going to be another mountain, I'm gonna want to make it move." A person is always going to want to try and move mountains to have the life that they hope to have. I don't think that we have any idea how hard that is and forget that there is going to be another mountain right behind it. I think it's a hard thing to learn. I am happy in my marriage and with my family. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it has been very hard to learn how to "enjoy" the journey and the trials in my life. I love my mother and I think she is a wonderful person and a great example of a hard working, God fearing woman who loves her family, but all I learned in my childhood was to get upset and hide when something happened. That it pretty much was the end of the world when things didn't work out. I was the next child born after the horrific experience of losing a child. I'm not putting down the way I was taught because I have no place to say what is right or wrong and how I would handle the situation they had. I just know that it has been a hard thing to learn as an adult. Now I realize that I am 38 years old and have been married for almost 22 of those years, but it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been given any ideas on how to cope with trials and things. The scary thing is that during the last 5 years my family and I have had HUGE, unbelievable, non-stop trials. It is quite a hard thing to learn by trial and error, and while trying to learn and get through these things, my body has literally started to break down. It's not only me either, Dan has had numerous surgeries and injuries and employment issues, etc. Kyler has become extremely sick a couple of times and had to face some realities that he can't understand, because they exist. Megan has gone through some horrible things, and Jake and Aubree have had some fairly major issues as well. It's very hard when each member of a family are having their own personal crisis' that they are trying to deal with and it puts extreme pressure on the family to hold things together. How does one hold a family together when they can't keep them self together. Anyway, we're doing our best to figure it out, we're just not always successful with what we do. We are trying.
Over the weekend some things happened that were very hard. Things were said and done that were not meant to hurt anyone, but did. I hope that Dan and my kids know that I love them and that there are some things I still don't know how to control or do. I sometimes don't know what I have said or done until after the fact. I hope that they know this and understand that I love them and would not intentionally do anything to hurt them. I would hope they will try to be understanding and patient with me. Life is not what they see on TV, I am real and have real feelings that I need to be cared for and loved and respected.
Anyway, I hope that "The Climb" becomes a little less hard soon, but am trying to learn to enjoy it. Please bear with me and pray for me as I know you have done before.