Sunday, November 27, 2011

Trying to Figure Out Why

I know that this is not a happy, grateful, typical Thanksgiving/Christmas post, but it's honest. 

I am constantly being told to just say what I think or feel and not to worry about what others think or say about it. The problem is, when I do this, I am immediately hit with a lecture about how I shouldn't be saying things like that because no one wants to hear things that aren't happy and positive. While I understand that no one wants to be around some one who is just totally negative, how am I supposed to know what is or isn't going to make some one upset. I have actually found that I can say or do something that I feel is totally uplifting and wonderful and then be lectured on how wrong it is or how it's not OK to agree with or think that way. I literally feel as though I cannot say or do anything right. I don't suppose that I have to be right or the best at everything, I am NOT perfect, far from it, but every now and then getting back a compliment or being told "Good Job" would be nice. I am really feeling inadequate at the moment. That's not even true, I haven't felt adequate for a very long time. Here in lies the problem...

I have gone to counseling regularly for 5 years now. I have recently started taking medication for depression...again. I have had major surgery to improve my quality of life and prolong my life. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for myself, my husband, and my kids. Where has all of this gotten me? More sad and depressed than I think I have ever been. I really don't feel there is any reason for my presence in my home. I don't feel there is reason for my presence in my ward, my neighborhood, or anywhere else for that matter. I am so tired of tension, fighting, and general backstabbing and meanness. I honestly can't do anymore for myself or anyone else. I know that this will bring on the lectures on how strong I am and how I can get through things if I just count on God. That lecture is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone could say to me. I spend more time in prayer than anyone could possibly imagine. After more than 5 years, some of which I have been literally fighting for my life, I have ended up in a place where I have almost no friends to confide in, a son who has a lot of issues that he is so stubborn he won't let anyone help him with and who pretty much despises me, a daughter who feels so outcast-ed she has contemplated taking her own life, a husband who is so tired from working so much he can't be who he wants to be, and many other things that I can't put on here for fear of causing major problems in other parts of my life.  How much counting completely on God, handing it all over, can one person do before the twinge of doubt creeps in? I have a strong testimony and know what is right and wrong, but I really can't count on only this anymore. What I have learned in the past few years is that no one ever really forgives you. That people expect you to forgive them for what they do, that it's your duty, but that then to many that means they can keep doing things to you freely and without guilt. Then tell you you are in the wrong because you don't forgive. I have learned that people, even some whom you trust and love, learn things about you and make quick judgments without ever asking you or trying to understand or even ask if it's true. Pretty much everything that I ever believed about many people in the church has been changed forever. I know the church is true and that people aren't perfect and are human, but I have seen so much hypocrisy and contempt by some who use the church as their backing in the past couple of years I don't know what to feel anymore. It would be OK if they were being punished or reprimanded for what they are doing, but they're not. It seems to be an accepted way to be. This is completely in conflict to what the church teaches. Maybe now some of you can understand why I am so conflicted all of the time. I literally have no one or nowhere to turn to try to work through things. I am either judged, betrayed, or ignored. All I have ever asked of anyone is to just listen. Don't fix me, just listen and be there for me while I am trying to work through some of the darkest days of my life.  

I am trying my best, but it simply isn't enough. I am really tired and very discouraged. I really don't know how much more or how much longer I can handle. I need love and attention. Please know that I love my husband and my family. That will never change.