Monday, August 22, 2011

Thinking Again...I Know, It's a Scary Thing

Over the past couple of weeks I have had several things run through my mind because of several things happening. Most of these things are those that I really didn't ever think would become reality. In hindsight, they had to, at least most of them, but at the very least I had hope for them not to.  

Aubree is starting 8th grade and is on the cheer leading team for her school. This really is a very good thing for her. She has been the one of our kids that has had a hard time figuring out who she is. She has not really been involved in anything until the last year. Last year in the kids new school she had the opportunity to become involved in choir and a few other things which in the end gave her the confidence to try out for the cheer team. She is very dedicated and has made almost every practice (even the 6 AM ones) and given her all. It has been very hard to know that we simply couldn't pay for it. The coaches have been great and tried to have fundraisers, etc., but so far it hasn't done much to help this situation. We think we have finally gotten the financials as far as cheer goes worked out, so hopefully, as long as we figure out how to get all of these uniforms and stuff bought, she'll be fine. Besides all of this, the drama cheer has brought into out life has been pretty hard to take lately. One of the other mothers accused and reprimanded her in front of the rest of the team and without either of us present, then proceeded to tell everyone she knew that our daughter was doing something horrible. While we are not the most strict set of parents, she was not doing what was accused and this other mother was totally out of line in doing what she did. It has been very hard, but I have tried my best to take the high road and let it go. What happened though was as I was working to let it go, this other mother threw it in my face. It's one of the hardest things to hear when some one tells you that you have a horrible child. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am quite proud of myself though, I told her that I know what my child is doing and that she is a good person and that I didn't appreciate her assumptions toward us. Anyway, we parted ways and have since just tried to forget. This is the best thing, as I had to use every bit of strength I have to not punch her in the face ;-) I have been told I'm a bad mother before because of another of my children's actions and sometimes it's hard to keep remembering that I am actually doing pretty well. I do have some strong willed kids, but I think in many cases in life this is a good trait for them to have. Determination brings results. Letting others decide your life isn't not admirable. It doesn't always make it easy as a parent, but I feel like we have instilled in our kids a sense of them knowing they have the ability to fight for what they want and feel they need. 

Over the summer Kyler has worked pretty hard on packets to get some credits made up. Right now he is 5, and testing on one more, packets away from being totally caught up. We are pretty proud of him for doing this. He seems to have finally caught the vision and swears that he is going to work hard and graduate. I cannot express how proud I will be when he does this. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with some of the things he deals with. I'm really hoping for the best here and praying he doesn't let himself and the rest of us down. He has a lot of support at this school from teachers, administrators, and students too and here at home as well.

Megan is starting her sophomore year and has been chosen as the Chief Editor for the yearbook. I have never seen her this excited for school. I have never seen any of them excited like this year. Anyway, she has decided that she is going to focus on school this year and get good grades. This is a huge decision and sacrifice as volleyball has been a huge part of her life. 

Jake is starting 5th grade and has started back with football for this season. It sounds like he is going to be playing the Center position. He says his coach tells him he's the best shotgun snapper. We really like his coaches. They are wonderful men who sincerely care about teaching these boys good character traits and how to be honest upstanding people on and off the football field. He is really a pretty good kid. 

I have had the experience lately of helping my parents with getting to appointments and things. They are aging and slowing down a lot. I know it's inevitable, but the reality that they are not going to always be around is hitting me pretty hard. I really don't know what I'll do when they are gone. 

Recently our neighbors have had to deal with the death of their son. I never met their son, but I have been thinking about them almost constantly. I hope to never have to go through this or any experience like this. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child, even and especially as an adult. I hope they can get through this time feeling the love of God and all of us who are hoping to be able to help in some way. 

Dan has started a second job. He just finished training on Friday and has worked 2 shifts since. He is doing well and already has secured himself some commission. I cannot express how much I appreciate and admire his dedication to doing his best to take care of us. He is so tired and works very hard for us. I really miss him and wish things weren't how they are, but reality is reality and he is doing his best to meet it head on. If we can just get through the next month or so of trying to play catch up, we should be OK and he can relax a little. I love him so much. We have been through a lot in that past 23 years. It really shakes me to my core when things happen and makes me feel insecure about anything regarding us. I'm really trying, but having a hard time understanding why the challenges we have had and continue to face are coming our way. Some one said just earlier today that if we have true faith we don't need understanding. I'm working on that one. I guess I'm not as faithful as I thought I was. Honestly, I have been living solely on faith for years and my issue now is being able to trust it. It's a very scary place to be, but I'm continuing to work on it.  I am still trying very hard to feel more a part of my ward. I know part of my problem of feeling not a part of things is me, but it's going to take some time to be able to regain the trust and feeling of love and acceptance I have felt in the past. Some happenings over the past years have just shaken my ability to trust almost anyone. 

It has been 3 months since we put the dog to sleep. I feel so much like a baby, but I still really miss him. Most days I am fine and don't even think about it, but there are times that I find myself just missing him. He was my sure listener. My "fur therapy" that was always there loving me no matter what. I feel ridiculous for still being this emotionally distraught, but only I know the bond that we had and I have to be able to move on in my own time. I love the cat and he has really tried to take up where the dog used to be there for me, but he is a cat and just doesn't have the same personality. He does come lay by me when I'm really upset about something and it's great. Just not the same though. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a dog, but I still have a gaping empty space in my heart. 

I truly hope there are still some people out there who read this blog. It is a necessary part of my ability to move forward and keep trying to feel better. I have been counseled by a very wise man to do this. I hope that you all understand. 


Monday, August 1, 2011

More Rambling In the Night

Well, here it is at 1:30 AM...again and I'm awake, typing on this blog *sigh*

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have pretty much been on an emotional and physical and whatever other way you can imagine roller coaster. I can tell you very honestly that it is not a fun ride to be on and that I have wished many times that I had not stood in line to ride it, but I apparently did stand in that line so now I'm on the ride for the duration. It's funny that in my recollection I was standing in line for the nice, slow, relaxing and refreshing ride but somehow I must have stepped into the other line or something...Hmm?

School starts in exactly 22 days. This brings me much happiness in one way, but breeds fear in another. Having 2 kids in high school and one in middle school makes for some pretty expensive weeks ahead. Jake is still in elementary so it's not so bad, but there are still things like school clothes, etc. One plus to having our older kids in a charter school is that they can wear the same clothes they did last year. Their uniforms don't change...YAY!!! They are all going stir crazy right now and are in turn driving me there, so I am thrilled that school will bring back some order to their lives. Kyler is a senior this year and I think (I say this with fingers crossed and much hope) he has finally decided he is going to really work hard this year because he wants to graduate. Megan is a Sophomore and decided to fore go volleyball this year to concentrate on school, plus she is the chief editor for the yearbook this year. Also, she just got her learners permit. It's so terrifying when they are learning. Especially now with all of the construction.  Aubree is in 8th grade and made the cheer team back in April. She has been very diligent and gone to almost every practice, even the 6 AM ones all summer long. Jake is happy with the teacher he got and is hoping to be playing football soon. School time is quite busy, but the order and schedule it provides is so much better for everyone. It really is the most wonderful time of he year. 

Dan will be starting a new, second job on the 8th. We are very excited about this. I am very happy that hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and not be so strapped financially all of the time. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty or like it's my fault that we have been having such a struggle. I know that there is no way I could have prevented what happened to me and that I try to do everything I can to help out here, but it's hard to know that Dan will not be home with us and will be working literally all day every day and how tired he will be. I really hate not having him here, but know it's a necessary thing right now. I don't know how I would have ever survived if we had had kids while he was in the Navy. I guess God knew better!

We had our annual trip to the dentist 10 days ago and I guess it's a good thing we went. Everyone but Aubree had to have work done. Part of my reasons for being awake right now is that my mouth is still hurting from the 2 crowns and some other fillings I had done on Friday. I knew it would cause me a headache, which it has, but my jaw (pried open very wide for 2 hours) and the spots where the temporary crowns are are so sore and nothing seems to get rid of it without me taking something really strong, which I can't do being the responsible adult at home :-) I feel bad complaining too much. Kyler had all 4 wisdom teeth out at the same time as I was having this done, so he is undoubtedly suffering as well. Dan had a crown and Megan and Jake both had some fillings. Thank goodness for a good dental office and the fact that we overpaid a couple of years ago, it made it so we could get all of this done now. I however am not excited to go have more work done in 2 weeks. I hate knowing the headache is coming.

I am trying to find my way to the nice, happy, relaxing ride through life and find myself there every now and then. I am just still trying to stay off the roller coaster. I'm sure I will be on it still probably more than I would ever choose, but I'm working my way off. Let's hope they shut it down for maintenance ;-)