That's What I Get for Trying to Think Positive

Well, since I get VERY tired of always being sick, I was really trying to think positively about having found this new doctor and even had a little (looking around to make sure no one heard) "hope" that I may be getting better soon. Well, just like the way of my life, Murphy's Law said that this could not happen.

Friday night I found this tiny little bump on the back of my neck. Right where my skull ends. I didn't think much of it. I woke up Saturday morning thinking that it seemed a little bigger and almost like it had become like a hard golf ball or something. I tried to ignore it throughout the day, but was getting increasingly more worried because it was getting sore and spreading. Finally Saturday night when my throat started swelling and my eye started swelling and I was coughing constantly and the whole side of my face was swollen, we decided I had better go have it looked at. Dan and I went to the Insta Care, where unfortunately they know us by sight I think, the only lucky part of the night was that I got the same doc who treated me before. He was very nice. He tested me for strep, which we all knew would come back negative, (Remember, Murphy's Law is all about me) but he sent it out for a culture and is treating me for it anyway. He also thinks I have Shingles of the head, (Which are horrible on the stomach, I had them as a child) so he is treating me for that, but ultimately he diagnosed Lympholic=-*(*&^&^$##$^ (a word no one understands). He said it's a diagnosis that means a problem with a lymph node of unknown cause. GREAT!! Now things are growing out where they can see them and they still can't find a cause. GRRRR

So, long story short, Dan had to go all the way to Provo to find an open pharmacy and I am on HUGE doses of antibiotic and steroids for inflammation. Lovely. Take pain meds for the pain, which is horrible. Now I have pain on both sides of my neck, but the steroids pretty much counter act the pain meds so I just get a headache instead of sleep, and if I did get to sleep I can't lay on either side or my back because of the pain and swelling. This leaves me face down in a pillow. I know it isn't a nice thing to say and that it scares some of you, but face down in a pillow has been what seemed a problem solver today.

I am SOOOOO tired of being sick and just having new things piled on top, that I have really hit the point of just wanting it to end. I don't dare have hope that the doc will find anything he can help me with, I have been let down too much, and can't seem to get even more than a few hours where I don't have thriving pain somewhere. Poor Dan would not leave me alone anywhere today. I feel bad that he has to deal with me like this but can't seem to find my way out. I wouldn't do anything rash, but really have no hope of ever feeling better. I have tried to have a positive attitude and to leave it to God many times. Everyone tells me that it's just me not being patient, but really, 3 years? I would like to see what those people looked and felt like after 3 years of constant pain and sickness, and that's just me and my sickness, I'm not mentioning everything else. I would like to be able to say that I was sure that will look back in ten years and see the growing experiences, but at this point, I just have to wonder if I will be looking back from here or down from another place. I really am trying. I am just really not feeling any hope for my future.

Sorry for once again a downer post.

~Christy