Well, I have come to the realization that there are some things I simply can't do anymore. It is a hard pill to swallow in that I am only almost 36 years old and I have the limitations of some one probably at least twice my age if not more.
I have been babysitting a little girl for 2 hours a day this past week, which has actually been quite nice. She is really easy to watch and not much stress for me. This is actually something that was giving me hope that I might be getting back to something near normal. If I could do this, I must be getting better right? Well, My niece had a day when she was in need of daycare for her girls, which aren't bad either, so I said OK, because I am better right? While they were really very good, I found that by the end of the day I was so exhausted that I could hardly function. How ridiculous is this? I don't want my niece to think that she can't call me we she needs it. I want to help, and it doesn't help that I look like I am about to die by the time she comes to pick them up. I am only almost 36 years old. Also, during this past week, my aunt passed away. Naturally, there was a funeral, but again I couldn't go. The funeral was in Huntington, UT, which is about 2 hours south east of here. To get there you have to go through Spanish Fork Canyon (Hwy 6). It is a windy canyon. I have not been able to get more than 2 miles up a canyon since I got sick, without being completely ill. So here is another limitation that makes my life miserable. Since I couldn't go, I volunteered to watch my brothers kids. He only brought 1 of the 3 and he was pretty good, after dealing with my own children, who are not making things easy for me, and all of these extras, I was very much ready to go to bed and not wake up for several days. This is something that is very emotionally draining for me.
I was a person who was working and helping to provide for the family, attending all of the sports and school functions, going to school to further my education and insure the future, serving my church in many capacities, and just simply trying to love my husband, children, and take care of my home. Then one day 2 years ago, I wasn't feeling well and now, I am what seems to be a fraction of myself that can do almost none of the things I just mentioned. The worst part of all of this, is that Dan now has to work so much that I, nor my children, ever get to see him, I no longer have the capacity to remember things so school is out of the question, I would never pass, my physical abilities are very limited, and my poor children and husband don't seem to know me anymore. I can't blame them for not knowing how to deal with this situation. I only wish I could help. Plus, all of the extra time Dan puts in, is still not making ends meet. Very draining.
My therapist says that I shouldn't feel guilty about this. That guilt implies that I did something wrong to make this happen. While I certainly didn't do that, I still feel guilty for putting my family in this situation. I just hope that we can soon come out of it stronger and more united. Life seems to be getting scarier by the minute. I just hope I'm around to see much more of it.
-Christy
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