Ramblings In the Night

So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. I go to be between 9 and 10 and then for some unknown reason I wake up about midnight and can't sleep again all night long. Some how though, I can sleep for about another hour or two after everyone leaves for work and school. Not always though. That is when people call and such, plus it's light outside, etc.  

I am sure that this is part of the reason I have had several days of major meltdown. I have had an extremely hard time keeping it together lately. We have been EXTREMELY busy the past week or two as well. I really have a hard time during times like these, trying to not let it get to me that I, simply put, can't do what I should be able to do or want to do. I was telling Dan the other day that it is very hard because I try to push myself to do things I know I have been able to do before and feel like I should be doing, which sometimes I succeed in, but then 99% of the time I do too much and end up hurting and having so many problems that it is 100 times worse than if I had just listened to my limits. It is a vicious cycle that I keep trying to stop. 

I have felt very much alone for the past while. I know that sounds crazy, because I am rarely "alone", but I have felt very much on the outside of mostly everywhere and everyone. I know that my problems are hard to take or to attempt to understand, but it has felt like in the time I have felt like I needed people the most I look around and find many of them not here. All I have ever asked from anyone is to just listen to me while I try to work through my crazy scary life, and then love and care for me for who I am and what I am trying to get through. Good intentions of people tend to make them want to fix things, but things can't be fixed when they are not understood. I don't expect anyone to understand nor fix things,  I just really long for support of my feelings.  I spend a lot of my "alone" time praying for peace and guidance. It has been very hard to try and be patient, especially after doing this steady for almost 5 years. I have had to learn to trust promptings again after having some very bad experiences with what I perceived to be promptings. I know it's hard and frustrating, but all I ask is that those who care about me and/or my family be patient with me while I try to be better.  

It has basically been determined that Kyler is mildly autistic. Nothing is officially diagnosed, but doctors, counselors, educators, and family  have all come to agreement on this. You can trace things all the way back to his toddler phase that show these signs. I wish that some one would have made this clear many years ago, but they didn't, so we are now dealing with it. We are SO very much appreciative of the administration and faculty at his school for the care and concern for Kyler and all of our family. They have been pretty amazing. 

So I am sort of in charge of putting together a bake sale fundraiser for the cheer team at the kid's school. Since we have 2 kids involved in cheer, we certainly need the fundraising ;-)  I have a lot of ideas and hope that people will agree and help this be a success. I could use any help with this. PLEASE let me know if any are willing to donate goodies or anything else. 

I apologize for this being another rant in the night. I am trying every way I know how to make things better all around. Just not perfect at it. I hope that my friends and family who care about me and my family will care enough to be patient with me. I/we need you and notice and appreciate everything that you do. 

~Christy