2011 Year in Review and a Decision

January 2011 brought a few things. There have been ups and downs. After taking off my sock and getting a sharp pain in my foot, followed by swelling and black and blueness, I went to the podiatrist and found out that I had broken my little toe as well as 2 bones in my foot. This made me go to the regular doc to find out why a simple thing like taking off my sock could do this to me. They did a dexascan and discovered that I have moderate to severe osteoporosis depending on where on my body it is and that I have probably had it most of my life. This is added to my already degenerating spine and bone spurs I have all over my spine. The good thing about this is that because of this discovery, the doc looked over some of my past scans and said that he believes I broke my neck and that no one ever found it because they were looking for signs of a stroke. They had no reason to be thinking I had brittle bones as I was only 33 when this happened. This really does go along with what I have been telling the docs for 5 years now . I told them there was something wrong in my neck on the first night, they didn't listen. This doc seems to think that it wasn't a horrible break but the location was crucial and the fact that I was put through pretty rigorous therapy without the knowledge of the injury was probably the cause of the second instance. It's all speculation, but it really does make a lot of sense and gives me a little validation. 

January also brought a promotion for Dan as he applied for a senior agent position and got the job. It has been a good thing, but is hard sometimes as the state has gone through several changes and many of them taking away resources from his department. 

February was fairly uneventful. 

In March our van finally died as we were expecting, so we had to find a different vehicle to drive. We were very lucky to have found our suburban and the people selling it were wonderful. They dropped the price immensely and we brought it home and it has been a very good vehicle for us. Only a couple of things have needed fixing and they are things you would expect for it's age and nothing major...(Knocking on wood). 

April brought one year after my surgery. I was pretty upset for a while that I didn't make the 100 pound mark, but I have come to realize that maybe I wasn't suppose to lose that much at once. 

May was a very hard month for the family and even more so for me. Our dog Buddy who had been sick for a while was put down. It was the humane thing to do, but it was and still is hard for me to do. He really was a lifeline for me and there is an empty space in our hearts where he belongs. Anyway, enough about that. May also brought some good things. The teachers and administration at the older kids school called me and suggested we get an IEP for Kyler. All people, including docs, have sort of come to the conclusion that Kyler is mildly autistic. They fixed things so he had special ed accommodations and a few other things and he has for the most part done a lot better. It also meant the end of the school year was near. Kyler did a lot of packets over the summer and only has a few now and is almost on track for graduation. We're keeping hope alive in regards to this.

June brought Aubree starting in cheer and fundraisers and practice, etc. Jake went again to football camp and loved it. 

July, we had a huge BBQ on the 4th. It's fun for us. We played Independence Day bingo. It was really fun and we had little dollar store prizes for winners and stuff. Other than that, the only other thing I can recall from July was Dan and I's 22nd anniversary. 

In August, Dan started a second job at Vivint. It's a pretty good job for a second one and he has been there 4 months and they seem to really like him. It looks like there is a lot a chance to advance in this job, so hopefully we will be announcing advancements soon ;-) August also brought the beginning of school. Kyler started his senior year, Megan her sophomore, Aubree 8th, and Jake 5th. Aubree was deeply involved in cheer and Jake in football. August =busy at our house. Megan was named the chief editor for the yearbook and has done a good job. Also, she finally got her driving permit :-0

September was pretty uneventful, other then Megan turning 16 and I was diagnosed and started medication again for depression...UGH!

October brought Dan's 40th birthday. He posted a great blog post on here then, it's a good read. 

November brought a few sort of scary things. In November Aubree started on a downhill spiral that happened quite fast and ended with her being diagnosed with pretty severe depression and the request for more testing. She really struggled badly and went through a suicidal and cutting phase. Sleepless nights and cry filled days filled much of November. We had a nice Thanksgiving here at our home though. 

This sort of brings me to the next thing. The decision that I have fought making for a LONG time. Be aware, that I did not make it lightly or without careful thought and consideration. I even asked advice from people I trust and respect. It is a decision I have made on my own and for myself and Dan and my kids. It is better to have a mother with a clear head and heart than one who is conflicted all of the time. I know you will all be upset over this, but I had to do it for myself. After I finally decided, I have felt a HUGE weight lifted. 

My "Wizard", ( a neuro-psychologist) that I see a lot taught me this exercise a long time ago that really seems to work. I had forgotten about it to some extent, but today when I saw him he asked me to do it again. What he said was when I am conflicted about what to do or how I feel about something I should sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and think about whatever or whoever the confliction is. If I close my eyes and feel peace thinking about it, then it is probably something I should fight for or consider a good thing, but if when I close my eyes it upsets me in any way, it is probably not such a good thing. The silence and the eyes closed helps ones conscience work better. It also takes away distraction and heightens your other senses. ( one reason you should close your eyes when you pray) So today, as I was trying to work through some of my conflictions I discovered that whenever I think about church it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Basically, Wizard said he saw a complete change in my demeanor when I thought about church. A tenseness. Now don't get me wrong, he would never tell me what to do and he is a very good man who is a member of the LDS church and is very dedicated, all he did was observe me. I thought about this and discussed it with him for a bit and when all was said and done, what I realized is that I literally force myself to go and come home unhappy and unfulfilled every Sunday. Not to mention the physical sickness I come home with most of the time. I literally get a headache and sometimes more by going.  Church is supposed to be a place where you get peace and feel better when you go. I don't. I feel alone and apart and pitied and judged. None of which have any valid reason for happening, but they do. I don't even think people know they're doing it. Now I am not putting blame on anyone but myself. The thing is, if it is doing this to me, there is no reason for me to be going. I know the gospel to be true and I believe that I live in a manner pleasing to God.  I feel that I can be a better wife and mother and good person in general  by taking myself out of this situation. I will no longer be attending church, at least not on a regular basis. I will stay home and spend time with my husband. Our kids will be given their choice and will be supported in whatever choice they make regarding attending. I however will not be going and would hope that those people who know me will respect my decision and know that I am respecting them by stepping away. I would hope that I would be released from any positions I am currently in and be allowed to live my life and Dan and our family allowed to live theirs as well. I love and respect so many people and all I am asking is the same respect in return. At least some of our kids love church and I would hope that they will be shown the same love and respect now without us attending. This doesn't mean we will never be back, just for now is all.

Please know this was not an easy decision, but I have to take care of myself and my family. Right now it needs to be this way. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Trying to Figure Out Why

I know that this is not a happy, grateful, typical Thanksgiving/Christmas post, but it's honest. 

I am constantly being told to just say what I think or feel and not to worry about what others think or say about it. The problem is, when I do this, I am immediately hit with a lecture about how I shouldn't be saying things like that because no one wants to hear things that aren't happy and positive. While I understand that no one wants to be around some one who is just totally negative, how am I supposed to know what is or isn't going to make some one upset. I have actually found that I can say or do something that I feel is totally uplifting and wonderful and then be lectured on how wrong it is or how it's not OK to agree with or think that way. I literally feel as though I cannot say or do anything right. I don't suppose that I have to be right or the best at everything, I am NOT perfect, far from it, but every now and then getting back a compliment or being told "Good Job" would be nice. I am really feeling inadequate at the moment. That's not even true, I haven't felt adequate for a very long time. Here in lies the problem...

I have gone to counseling regularly for 5 years now. I have recently started taking medication for depression...again. I have had major surgery to improve my quality of life and prolong my life. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for myself, my husband, and my kids. Where has all of this gotten me? More sad and depressed than I think I have ever been. I really don't feel there is any reason for my presence in my home. I don't feel there is reason for my presence in my ward, my neighborhood, or anywhere else for that matter. I am so tired of tension, fighting, and general backstabbing and meanness. I honestly can't do anymore for myself or anyone else. I know that this will bring on the lectures on how strong I am and how I can get through things if I just count on God. That lecture is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone could say to me. I spend more time in prayer than anyone could possibly imagine. After more than 5 years, some of which I have been literally fighting for my life, I have ended up in a place where I have almost no friends to confide in, a son who has a lot of issues that he is so stubborn he won't let anyone help him with and who pretty much despises me, a daughter who feels so outcast-ed she has contemplated taking her own life, a husband who is so tired from working so much he can't be who he wants to be, and many other things that I can't put on here for fear of causing major problems in other parts of my life.  How much counting completely on God, handing it all over, can one person do before the twinge of doubt creeps in? I have a strong testimony and know what is right and wrong, but I really can't count on only this anymore. What I have learned in the past few years is that no one ever really forgives you. That people expect you to forgive them for what they do, that it's your duty, but that then to many that means they can keep doing things to you freely and without guilt. Then tell you you are in the wrong because you don't forgive. I have learned that people, even some whom you trust and love, learn things about you and make quick judgments without ever asking you or trying to understand or even ask if it's true. Pretty much everything that I ever believed about many people in the church has been changed forever. I know the church is true and that people aren't perfect and are human, but I have seen so much hypocrisy and contempt by some who use the church as their backing in the past couple of years I don't know what to feel anymore. It would be OK if they were being punished or reprimanded for what they are doing, but they're not. It seems to be an accepted way to be. This is completely in conflict to what the church teaches. Maybe now some of you can understand why I am so conflicted all of the time. I literally have no one or nowhere to turn to try to work through things. I am either judged, betrayed, or ignored. All I have ever asked of anyone is to just listen. Don't fix me, just listen and be there for me while I am trying to work through some of the darkest days of my life.  

I am trying my best, but it simply isn't enough. I am really tired and very discouraged. I really don't know how much more or how much longer I can handle. I need love and attention. Please know that I love my husband and my family. That will never change.

A Pirate Looks at Forty

When I started to look back at my life and contemplate where I am in the journey at the age of forty, an event that could arguably be the middle of my life, I started to feel the tinge of depression.  I have worked so hard for so many years and yet, where am I in the scope of things?  I still struggle every day with my jobs, my family, my religion, my inner peace.  But then my mediation took another turn. 

Where am I? 

I am a high school drop-out who now has three college degrees. 

I am the husband that got married at seventeen years old, and that against all odds, am still married to the same person twenty-two years later, with four great kids. 

I am the outsider whose parents never owned a home until after I moved out, and am the proud owner of a humble, but sufficient abode located on a very small patch of ground just a few yards from where I spent my formidable years in a basement duplex sharing a room with my younger brother.

I am the smoker that picked up the habit while working a summer job at the age of fourteen and quit after the birth of my son. 

I am the drinker that started drinking very young, but gave it up around the same time as the smoking. 

I work two jobs, but I get my bills paid, I have insurance and a 401k, and I am able to provide some of the luxuries of life to my kids.  I don’t make a lot of money, but I make more than a lot of people do and feel that I am blessed to be able to have two full-time jobs when some people cannot find one good job. 

I am at peace with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, although I am having difficulty with my chosen religion and some of the people within it.  I have the mind set that each person has the right to think, feel, and act anyway they desire so long as it does not interfere with another persons ability to think, feel, and act in the manner that they choose to.  To each their own.  Live and let live.    

I still have the urges and desire for my vices, and occasionally they get the better of me, but I keep them under control and have so far been able to avoid re-introducing those habits into my daily life.   

We certainly struggle, but with the help of family and friends, we make it through.  Raising teenagers is much harder than I had imagined it, and everyday it presents new issues. 

I have a hobby that allows me to look at life and nature in a whole new way.  I love to take pictures.  I wish I had time for art school, but for right now, on the job training is teaching me how to better create stunning images.  I shoot various themes, but I love to shoot people.  I love to shoot the beauty and depth that is the human spirit.  Not everyone finds beauty in the shots I take, but I guess that is part of trying to find some sort of inner artist.

I worry about Christy’s health and how much longer her body is going to function, but I am committed to help her with whatever struggles are ahead.

I have many goals that intermix will my standard bucket type list;

I want to be to the point within the next two years where I am able to work just one full-time job.  This requires debts to be paid and advancements to be made, but I will be working toward this. 

I want to remodel my house to include a family room/studio built in the carport. 

I need a new camera, lenses and studio lighting. 

I want to spend more time with my kids doing things that we all love to do.

I want to go to Burning Man. 

I want my insurance to start covering weight loss surgery.

I want to spend more time with my brother and sister and their families.

I want to live long enough to collect the retirement that I work so hard for, and hope that the government does not find a way to take it all away before I get there.

I want to see all of my children graduate from high school, move out of my home, and have families of their own. 

The last forty have been tough and I certainly have regrets, but my trials have put me in the place where I am today.  I regret not spending more time getting to know my neighbors and then having them move and missing the times that we never had.  I regret the financial situation that I am now in that takes me away from family when they need me the most.    

I look at the next forty years with optimism.  I look forward to getting my house paid off and getting a little bit of a nest egg built up so that we, with a lot of luck, will be able to spend quality time with family and friends in retirement.  I value the relationships that I have with the few people that I have relationships with, and look forward to building relationships with more people as time moves on. 

I know that this post has been long and meandering.  Thank you for taking the time to read it, it is nice to know that there are those people in my life that care enough about me to take the time to muddle through my meandering thoughts to see if there was any logical statement of conclusion at the end.  Sorry to disappoint you, this is it.

Randomness

Just sitting here thinking. Since Dan started this second job I have had WAY too much time to just sit and think. Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes not so much. I am one who generally over thinks because I really want things to be perfect. This works well sometimes, but also occasionally gets me in trouble.  

Tonight I took Jake to pack meeting. Jake got his Webelos badge and I think I counted 6 other awards. I was pinning things for quite some time. I am pretty proud of him for doing this, especially since he did this during the last month and missed the first few weeks of scouts after football season started. He is now officially working on his arrow of light then as soon as he gets that he can start going with the 11 year old scouts. Jake really is a hard worker and pretty dedicated to do well in whatever he chooses to do. 

A few weeks ago Dan had a photo shoot with one of the models he has shot several times. I know her fairly well so I decided to go with him this time. Plus, it gives us a while out together. Anyway, after he finished with her he had a few frames left on his card, so he took a few of the two of us. I had not done anything with my hair and was wearing a shirt that was way too big, but I LOVE a few of them. Dan really is talented with a camera and I wish he could do more with this. I guess the time will come. He is a free spirit about many things and it sometimes kicks him in the rear, but everything he does has a good reason behind it, even if sometimes it seems crazy. Here are a few of the pics taken that day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this first one. Even though I don't look my best.

Dan had just shaved of that beard and I was enjoying his face. No, he wasn't making a fist, it's his remote to his camera ;-)

I'm so glad that he did this. As uncomfortable as I am in front of a camera and don't think I photograph well, it's nice to have a way to remember a few of these happy moments together. The last while has been pretty rough on us. This picture makes me happy. 

OK, so I can't think of anything else specific to say, so I'll leave it at this. I told you it was random...LOL

Christy

Thinking Again...I Know, It's a Scary Thing

Over the past couple of weeks I have had several things run through my mind because of several things happening. Most of these things are those that I really didn't ever think would become reality. In hindsight, they had to, at least most of them, but at the very least I had hope for them not to.  

Aubree is starting 8th grade and is on the cheer leading team for her school. This really is a very good thing for her. She has been the one of our kids that has had a hard time figuring out who she is. She has not really been involved in anything until the last year. Last year in the kids new school she had the opportunity to become involved in choir and a few other things which in the end gave her the confidence to try out for the cheer team. She is very dedicated and has made almost every practice (even the 6 AM ones) and given her all. It has been very hard to know that we simply couldn't pay for it. The coaches have been great and tried to have fundraisers, etc., but so far it hasn't done much to help this situation. We think we have finally gotten the financials as far as cheer goes worked out, so hopefully, as long as we figure out how to get all of these uniforms and stuff bought, she'll be fine. Besides all of this, the drama cheer has brought into out life has been pretty hard to take lately. One of the other mothers accused and reprimanded her in front of the rest of the team and without either of us present, then proceeded to tell everyone she knew that our daughter was doing something horrible. While we are not the most strict set of parents, she was not doing what was accused and this other mother was totally out of line in doing what she did. It has been very hard, but I have tried my best to take the high road and let it go. What happened though was as I was working to let it go, this other mother threw it in my face. It's one of the hardest things to hear when some one tells you that you have a horrible child. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am quite proud of myself though, I told her that I know what my child is doing and that she is a good person and that I didn't appreciate her assumptions toward us. Anyway, we parted ways and have since just tried to forget. This is the best thing, as I had to use every bit of strength I have to not punch her in the face ;-) I have been told I'm a bad mother before because of another of my children's actions and sometimes it's hard to keep remembering that I am actually doing pretty well. I do have some strong willed kids, but I think in many cases in life this is a good trait for them to have. Determination brings results. Letting others decide your life isn't not admirable. It doesn't always make it easy as a parent, but I feel like we have instilled in our kids a sense of them knowing they have the ability to fight for what they want and feel they need. 

Over the summer Kyler has worked pretty hard on packets to get some credits made up. Right now he is 5, and testing on one more, packets away from being totally caught up. We are pretty proud of him for doing this. He seems to have finally caught the vision and swears that he is going to work hard and graduate. I cannot express how proud I will be when he does this. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with some of the things he deals with. I'm really hoping for the best here and praying he doesn't let himself and the rest of us down. He has a lot of support at this school from teachers, administrators, and students too and here at home as well.

Megan is starting her sophomore year and has been chosen as the Chief Editor for the yearbook. I have never seen her this excited for school. I have never seen any of them excited like this year. Anyway, she has decided that she is going to focus on school this year and get good grades. This is a huge decision and sacrifice as volleyball has been a huge part of her life. 

Jake is starting 5th grade and has started back with football for this season. It sounds like he is going to be playing the Center position. He says his coach tells him he's the best shotgun snapper. We really like his coaches. They are wonderful men who sincerely care about teaching these boys good character traits and how to be honest upstanding people on and off the football field. He is really a pretty good kid. 

I have had the experience lately of helping my parents with getting to appointments and things. They are aging and slowing down a lot. I know it's inevitable, but the reality that they are not going to always be around is hitting me pretty hard. I really don't know what I'll do when they are gone. 


Recently our neighbors have had to deal with the death of their son. I never met their son, but I have been thinking about them almost constantly. I hope to never have to go through this or any experience like this. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child, even and especially as an adult. I hope they can get through this time feeling the love of God and all of us who are hoping to be able to help in some way. 

Dan has started a second job. He just finished training on Friday and has worked 2 shifts since. He is doing well and already has secured himself some commission. I cannot express how much I appreciate and admire his dedication to doing his best to take care of us. He is so tired and works very hard for us. I really miss him and wish things weren't how they are, but reality is reality and he is doing his best to meet it head on. If we can just get through the next month or so of trying to play catch up, we should be OK and he can relax a little. I love him so much. We have been through a lot in that past 23 years. It really shakes me to my core when things happen and makes me feel insecure about anything regarding us. I'm really trying, but having a hard time understanding why the challenges we have had and continue to face are coming our way. Some one said just earlier today that if we have true faith we don't need understanding. I'm working on that one. I guess I'm not as faithful as I thought I was. Honestly, I have been living solely on faith for years and my issue now is being able to trust it. It's a very scary place to be, but I'm continuing to work on it.  I am still trying very hard to feel more a part of my ward. I know part of my problem of feeling not a part of things is me, but it's going to take some time to be able to regain the trust and feeling of love and acceptance I have felt in the past. Some happenings over the past years have just shaken my ability to trust almost anyone. 

It has been 3 months since we put the dog to sleep. I feel so much like a baby, but I still really miss him. Most days I am fine and don't even think about it, but there are times that I find myself just missing him. He was my sure listener. My "fur therapy" that was always there loving me no matter what. I feel ridiculous for still being this emotionally distraught, but only I know the bond that we had and I have to be able to move on in my own time. I love the cat and he has really tried to take up where the dog used to be there for me, but he is a cat and just doesn't have the same personality. He does come lay by me when I'm really upset about something and it's great. Just not the same though. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a dog, but I still have a gaping empty space in my heart. 

I truly hope there are still some people out there who read this blog. It is a necessary part of my ability to move forward and keep trying to feel better. I have been counseled by a very wise man to do this. I hope that you all understand. 

Christy

More Rambling In the Night

Well, here it is at 1:30 AM...again and I'm awake, typing on this blog *sigh*

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have pretty much been on an emotional and physical and whatever other way you can imagine roller coaster. I can tell you very honestly that it is not a fun ride to be on and that I have wished many times that I had not stood in line to ride it, but I apparently did stand in that line so now I'm on the ride for the duration. It's funny that in my recollection I was standing in line for the nice, slow, relaxing and refreshing ride but somehow I must have stepped into the other line or something...Hmm?

School starts in exactly 22 days. This brings me much happiness in one way, but breeds fear in another. Having 2 kids in high school and one in middle school makes for some pretty expensive weeks ahead. Jake is still in elementary so it's not so bad, but there are still things like school clothes, etc. One plus to having our older kids in a charter school is that they can wear the same clothes they did last year. Their uniforms don't change...YAY!!! They are all going stir crazy right now and are in turn driving me there, so I am thrilled that school will bring back some order to their lives. Kyler is a senior this year and I think (I say this with fingers crossed and much hope) he has finally decided he is going to really work hard this year because he wants to graduate. Megan is a Sophomore and decided to fore go volleyball this year to concentrate on school, plus she is the chief editor for the yearbook this year. Also, she just got her learners permit. It's so terrifying when they are learning. Especially now with all of the construction.  Aubree is in 8th grade and made the cheer team back in April. She has been very diligent and gone to almost every practice, even the 6 AM ones all summer long. Jake is happy with the teacher he got and is hoping to be playing football soon. School time is quite busy, but the order and schedule it provides is so much better for everyone. It really is the most wonderful time of he year. 

Dan will be starting a new, second job on the 8th. We are very excited about this. I am very happy that hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and not be so strapped financially all of the time. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty or like it's my fault that we have been having such a struggle. I know that there is no way I could have prevented what happened to me and that I try to do everything I can to help out here, but it's hard to know that Dan will not be home with us and will be working literally all day every day and how tired he will be. I really hate not having him here, but know it's a necessary thing right now. I don't know how I would have ever survived if we had had kids while he was in the Navy. I guess God knew better!

We had our annual trip to the dentist 10 days ago and I guess it's a good thing we went. Everyone but Aubree had to have work done. Part of my reasons for being awake right now is that my mouth is still hurting from the 2 crowns and some other fillings I had done on Friday. I knew it would cause me a headache, which it has, but my jaw (pried open very wide for 2 hours) and the spots where the temporary crowns are are so sore and nothing seems to get rid of it without me taking something really strong, which I can't do being the responsible adult at home :-) I feel bad complaining too much. Kyler had all 4 wisdom teeth out at the same time as I was having this done, so he is undoubtedly suffering as well. Dan had a crown and Megan and Jake both had some fillings. Thank goodness for a good dental office and the fact that we overpaid a couple of years ago, it made it so we could get all of this done now. I however am not excited to go have more work done in 2 weeks. I hate knowing the headache is coming.

I am trying to find my way to the nice, happy, relaxing ride through life and find myself there every now and then. I am just still trying to stay off the roller coaster. I'm sure I will be on it still probably more than I would ever choose, but I'm working my way off. Let's hope they shut it down for maintenance ;-) 

Christy

It's Not On Purpose

Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.

The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help.  I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time. 

We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days. 

The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some.  What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this. 

This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be. 

~Christy

Finding Purpose

Recently I was in a class and the subject was "Finding Your Purpose". There were other things along with it, but we sort of got stuck on this part, so I guess that was what we all needed to hear. Not to diminish the other parts though. They are important, I just can't remember the others enough to confidently talk about them here. It really did stand out to me though, like I was supposed to hear it when I did. 

For a very long time I have been searching for my purpose. Years ago I thought I had found it, but then everything changed. I guess my purpose in that respect changed. For the last almost 5 years I have been in constant and consistent change, but I think I finally understand why. This doesn't mean I will never have a day of total discouragement, just that for now I understand. When you are going along in life and things are going well you don't expect it to take a major turn and seem to go backwards, but that is exactly what happened to us. Seven years ago we were doing great! Getting ready to buy our house, both of us in school and working, (I had a job as the exec. asst. to the VP of Academics at UVU) kids doing pretty well, finally pretty deeply involved in church and with our ward members. (this is something I think about a lot, that we were doing so well because we had let God into our home and family) Dan was the Young Men's President and things were going pretty well. One day in June of 2004 Dan all of a sudden got really ill and was in severe pain. It was discovered that he had a kidney stone. After a month of trying to figure it out, they discovered and removed a tumor from his parathyroid. This gland regulates levels of minerals and stuff in the body. Therefore his calcium level was unregulated and he developed a kidney stone. During this time I had walked out of my job, and 2 people died withing days of each other. One was my aunt and the other was the person I had been working in place of and the person everyone hated me for "replacing".  I remember telling some one that I never wanted to go through a year like 2004 again. I never did have a year like 2004 again, they got progressively worse. We made so many changes in 2005. We bought our house and a new car, moved Dan's parents in, got new jobs, etc. 2006 hit with a vengeance. This is when I got sick. All of a sudden I was no longer able to work or go to school. Kyler especially was having a hard time in life basically. It seemed, and has continued to seem as though everything I/we had built was gone. I could no longer be the wife or mother I had worked so hard to be and now it was all on Dan to carry us. Anyway, I have gone through so many doctors and tests and have had to learn to advocate for myself so much during these years. I always wondered why I had to o through this. What I discovered was that I had to learn how to advocate for myself BIGTIME, but that when Kyler almost died I was able to advocate for him with some pretty good precision. I would not have know how to do it if I hadn't gone through it myself. Fast forward a few years to a more present time. The last year or so has been very hard on Dan especially. He has had a lot of stress trying to take care of us. He also tries to help his parents and friends, anyone who needs it. What happened though is that he finally hit a wall and just couldn't keep carrying all of this burden.  He still doesn't understand his potential that I  and many others see. He is wonderful the way he is, but has so much more to offer if he would let it happen. This past while has been very hard and trying on us,  but I have learned that some of the things he is dealing with are things that only I can help him with. Only I have the certain specific understanding of him that he needs. I'm not trying to make myself look important or something, but I understand my purpose in these things. I am here dealing with what I'm dealing with because I have a certain special something that Dan and my kids need, that no one else has. I cannot even say how hard the past years, especially the past one, have been, but I'm hoping with a little understanding of why, it will help me to get through it a little easier and better.

Recently some good friends of ours have had a really rough time. I feel like some of the things that we have gone through over the years have made it so that when our friends needed us, we were able to be there for them and they could confide in us and we would know what to say and do to help them. 

Tomorrow will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. We, or at least I, am asked all of the time how we did it. How after getting married at 16 and 17 years old, we have beat all of the odds and stresses against us and stayed together. My answer to that actually sounds pretty simple. It is that not making it work has never been an option. We have and still do actually work through whatever problems and issues arise. Sincere love and fierce loyalty and trust play a huge part as well. The past year has been quite hard at times and a challenge for us, but we continue to fight for us because we love each other and sincerely want our marriage and family to be as good and wonderful as it can be. 

I love you Dan! You are a wonderful husband and a great father and I am the luckiest person because I have the privilege of spending eternity with you and our family.  OK, so these are a little out of order but it's us over the years.

July 8th 1989

Sometime in 1990

Spring 1989

December 2010

December 2010

Think It Time for a New Post

I really don't have much to blog about, but I guess I need to update every now and then. It's been close to a month. 

Since I last posted, the kids are all out of school. This is a blessing and a torture. They are all going stir crazy, but on the other hand, the rigorous schedule we were doing before isn't there so that's nice. Aubree is in cheer and has practice all summer and Kyler is busily working on packets so he can hopefully graduate. Megan has been doing odd jobs for people and helping around home a little. Jake just finished football camp last week. Seemed to have fun. Life is just cruising along around here. 

Hope all are well. 

"Buddy" December 5, 2003 to May 23, 2011 Our best Doggy In the Window

 This last Monday I did something that was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my entire life. I know that I sound like a baby when I say this, but it really was very hard. The past 5 years have been the hardest and worst years of my life. I have had health problems that for a while I thought would take my life. They didn't, but they certainly changed it. During all of this, I had one very steady, unwavering thing. His name was Buddy. Yes, I have Dan and my kids and family and friends, but there is something different about the four legged furry support and therapy Buddy gave me. It didn't matter what I had done. If I had corrected him or spent time away or whatever. He was always waiting in the window then at the door when I came in. There was some pretty good comfort in knowing that he would be waiting when I got there. He was one that if he thought some one was hurt or hurting, he'd go after who ever hurt them or at the very least give you kisses or snuggles so that you knew he was watching out for you and loving you. He was a fierce defender of our home and of our family. He loved everyone. So fiercely that when some one would try to leave (and I do mean anyone) he would stand between them and the door and bark. I always said he was telling them to have a safe trip home and that they didn't really have to leave ;-) He was even more fiercely loyal to me. All you would have to do is make me feel bad for any reason, then you were toast. 

A little over a year ago Buddy started acting a little weird and appearing to hurt badly and was having problems with the training he had, etc. He would shake like crazy but we for a while just sort of passed that off as his nature because he was a fairly hyper dog. One day it got really bad so I took him to the vet and they told me he not only had a double ear infection, but that he had a bladder stone that would have to be removed surgically to relieve him of the pain. The surgery was horribly expensive so we couldn't have that done. Plus, they said that he would probably have it happen again even if he had the surgery. I battled with myself for over a year trying to decide what to do about this. It seemed that every time I even thought of relieving him of his pain he would rally and act as if there was nothing wrong. I think he knew that I would have a very hard time doing it, so he tried to make me not have to do it.  One day about 10 days ago he laid on the couch all day and whimpered and looked like he was really struggling. At this point I decided that I could not make him go through this any longer. Especially since it was pretty much for me. I made the decision to have him put to sleep so that he would not have to hurt anymore. He fulfilled every measure of his name "Buddy" and more. There is a definite void in our lives and our home now. Even the cat is missing him. It is very quiet and it's hard not to have him in the window watching for us. The only thing that gets me/us through is the knowledge that he is no longer in pain. We are so lucky appreciative to Erica, who helped us so much with this. She works at the vet and held him when it was done so that he wasn't alone. I couldn't do it but am comforted that he was being held and loved when this happen. I couldn't have that picture in my mind, so she did it for me. 

A friend of mine told me to think about it in that he is now sitting at the feet of Heavenly Father. Warming them and giving him the love he has. Also, my sister had to put her dog to sleep a couple of years ago and she thinks that they are now playing together in Heaven, waiting and preparing for all of us. 

He was a spectacular dog. Very loving and loyal and I/we miss him so much. We are working through it, but it's so hard. Life is just not the same. He will be waiting though. He's watching over and protecting us and will be waiting at the door when we arrive. 

God Speed Buddy. I hope your trip over the rainbow was easy and peaceful. Until we meet again. 

Christy

Ramblings In the Night

So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. I go to be between 9 and 10 and then for some unknown reason I wake up about midnight and can't sleep again all night long. Some how though, I can sleep for about another hour or two after everyone leaves for work and school. Not always though. That is when people call and such, plus it's light outside, etc.  

I am sure that this is part of the reason I have had several days of major meltdown. I have had an extremely hard time keeping it together lately. We have been EXTREMELY busy the past week or two as well. I really have a hard time during times like these, trying to not let it get to me that I, simply put, can't do what I should be able to do or want to do. I was telling Dan the other day that it is very hard because I try to push myself to do things I know I have been able to do before and feel like I should be doing, which sometimes I succeed in, but then 99% of the time I do too much and end up hurting and having so many problems that it is 100 times worse than if I had just listened to my limits. It is a vicious cycle that I keep trying to stop. 

I have felt very much alone for the past while. I know that sounds crazy, because I am rarely "alone", but I have felt very much on the outside of mostly everywhere and everyone. I know that my problems are hard to take or to attempt to understand, but it has felt like in the time I have felt like I needed people the most I look around and find many of them not here. All I have ever asked from anyone is to just listen to me while I try to work through my crazy scary life, and then love and care for me for who I am and what I am trying to get through. Good intentions of people tend to make them want to fix things, but things can't be fixed when they are not understood. I don't expect anyone to understand nor fix things,  I just really long for support of my feelings.  I spend a lot of my "alone" time praying for peace and guidance. It has been very hard to try and be patient, especially after doing this steady for almost 5 years. I have had to learn to trust promptings again after having some very bad experiences with what I perceived to be promptings. I know it's hard and frustrating, but all I ask is that those who care about me and/or my family be patient with me while I try to be better.  

It has basically been determined that Kyler is mildly autistic. Nothing is officially diagnosed, but doctors, counselors, educators, and family  have all come to agreement on this. You can trace things all the way back to his toddler phase that show these signs. I wish that some one would have made this clear many years ago, but they didn't, so we are now dealing with it. We are SO very much appreciative of the administration and faculty at his school for the care and concern for Kyler and all of our family. They have been pretty amazing. 

So I am sort of in charge of putting together a bake sale fundraiser for the cheer team at the kid's school. Since we have 2 kids involved in cheer, we certainly need the fundraising ;-)  I have a lot of ideas and hope that people will agree and help this be a success. I could use any help with this. PLEASE let me know if any are willing to donate goodies or anything else. 

I apologize for this being another rant in the night. I am trying every way I know how to make things better all around. Just not perfect at it. I hope that my friends and family who care about me and my family will care enough to be patient with me. I/we need you and notice and appreciate everything that you do. 

~Christy

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I did something that I thought long and hard about. I knew it would be a huge life change, but I also knew that it would be good for me. This is what I looked like 1 year ago...

 When I look back at these pictures, it makes me pretty sad. I really can't believe this was me. So unhappy and so unhealthy. Not comfortable with having my picture taken. I cannot even put the pants I was wearing on anymore and keep them up. It really is a good thing I have these pictures to look at though. I have really been struggling with the fact that I did not make my goal. It seemed so simple when I set it, and about 6 months into it, I was so sure I would make it I didn't even really think about it. Well, when I got to about 8 months post surgery, I stopped losing weight. I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost anymore either. Leaving me depending on the day, 10 to 15 pounds under my goal. I have lost 85-90 pounds altogether. I am really very proud of myself for doing this at all and for sticking to it (for the most part, I do have days that are REALLY hard). 

I saw some one today who had the same surgery about 6 months before I did and she looks to good and SO skinny. I looked at her and thought "she looks familiar", then Dan said, you remember ______ don't you? I said "OH MY GOSH!" She looked wonderful. For a few minutes I felt really sorry for myself, but I then decided that I have to be happy and proud of myself for what I have accomplished. 

I can now share clothes with Aubree, which is very cool and that makes me very happy. She is 13. I don't remember fitting in any clothes that size since I was like 12. This I don't understand because I am literally not that small, but I am trying to be happy with where I am. I cannot exercise like most people who have this because of my disabilities, so to have lost almost 100 pounds with minimal exercise means the world to me. So now I will post a few chronologically taken pictures of me...

3 months

5 months

7 months

OK, so I haven't lost any more since this picture was taken, so I'll have to use this for the new one. It is taken in the same spot as the before pic. See a difference?? :-) :-)

Thanks to everyone who has supported me/us in this. It really is a family thing and having the support of family and friends is paramount!!

~Christy