Turning it Over

Sorry, this will be a long one, and probably not the most pleasant read.

Throughout my life I have been given advice many times that I had to "Simply" let go and turn things over to God. While I know this is the greatest advice, and is correct I have to question the use of the word Simply. This is no simple task, in fact it is very hard to do. Hard enough, that I am struggling to make myself do it this time. I have been a person that has been very strong in my faith and always known that I am not alone. That there is someone watching over me and my family. My word, I have even been visited by my Grandmother who died 11 years ago who told me to just ask for help and there would be people waiting to help me. My faith is very much shaken right now, and I really feel like my family and I are alone, trying to deal with things that are unreasonably hard. There is being tested and then there is us. We do not deserve what we are being handed to deal with.

Many people say that you hit a wall sometimes where you just can't go any further. I have hit that wall. In an earlier post, Dan said "Just when I thought there was hope for spring, we get dumped on again (this may seem like a life metaphor, but I will not go there today)." There is ample reason for him to notice that this is a life metaphor. This is no joke in our family. It seems that we can never just be OK. There is always something holding us down. Dan has gone there now and so have I. You will not find a man who works harder and does more for his family than Dan.

Later today(since it's 2:16 AM) I have to go for yet another MRI. After returning from our trip a few weeks back, I developed a problem in my right leg and now I can only walk with the use of a cane. This resulted not from running or doing something stupid, it is from sitting and riding in a car with a husband who was so concerned that this might happened that he kept making me move around and walk. I must remind you that I am only 36 years old. Since Christmas, I have lost the use of my arm, and gained partial use back, had approximately 3 migraines a week, and dizzy all of the time, and now this? I am literally going backwards from all of the time and effort and therapy I have done over the past 2 1/2 years. No one knows what is wrong. They tell me one horrible thing after another and then say that they have ruled it out. I am now back on the same medication they put me on right after the first incident. Not only is this physically draining, it has really hurt us financially in the respect that I cannot work and I cost a lot more now health wise. There is no way to explain the emotional strain that this situation has put on me and my family. Since there is never a diagnosis, I am always told that is must be stress or I am faking it. LET ME REASSURE YOU, I AM NOT FAKING IT! I would not put my family nor myself through this. It is tearing us apart. I have insurance carriers and people who are now making me be tested to see how I function and try to prove that I can do more than I can.I see looks and hear whispers and get the fake sympathy or the "Your not doing what you need to" or "You made your bed" lectures. My opinion is that people need to walk a day in my shoes before they lecture me. We need love and support, not criticism. This is where I generally say, OK, it's time to turn it over. I am going on 3 years of this!! I have held callings, supported my husband in callings, encouraged my children to love the church, I could go on. I can't turn it over this time. The worst part is, after I get done writing this post, and post it, there will be my friends and family who read it and become very concerned, which I appreciate, but the ones who say they will be there for me to lean on, probably won't even read it. ROSE, I DON'T MEAN YOU HERE. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!! They will say, well there's Christy whining again. PLEASE, KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT ME. I AM NOT A WHINER. I NEED FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME AND WILL ACTUALLY BE THERE FOR ME. I am always there for whoever and whatever I can be. Even when I shouldn't be. I don't like feeling this way but I see no other option anymore. Understand that if I am not doing things I normally would be, like going to church or the gym, it's probably because I shouldn't be there.

Dan and I decided to move to St. George and this is still the plan at this moment. I really feel that things are going to work out the way they have been planned to with this, but news that Dan mentioned in the previous post is really putting a heavy burden on him. This poor man has done nothing but work himself sick, and worry himself sick. It is not fair that he should have this worry to add to what he is already dealing with. His mother has been in the hospital for the major part of the last 3 months, Kyler has been struggling and we almost lost him, until a month ago, Dan had a church calling that weighed on him greatly, and then there's me. Enough said. I Love Dan so much. He doesn't deserve this. I watch many people struggle and see men or women who don't take their responsibilities seriously. Ones who feel that they don't need to help their partner, or their neighbor for that matter. They always seem to be the ones who come out on top though. How is that fair? I feel honored that I have a husband who loves and cares about his family so much that he literally does whatever he has to to make sure we are loved, comfortable and provided for. Makes me wonder how I deserve him.

I have 4 kids that are all struggling somehow with the same problem. They all handle it, or not, in different ways. I would expect this and they are all individuals with their own personalities. Why do they struggle with things so much then? What have I done or not done to make them feel this way? Kyler has his own struggles on top of the normal ones. I really feel for him. He is a good, friendly person who just want to be accepted and treated with respect, just like everyone else. He has had a horrible experience as a youth here. He has tried to fit in and we are aware of some quirks that are hard to deal with, but he has one or two friends and is shunned and treated as if he had 2 heads by many of his peers, and some adults. We are so proud of him especially right now. He spent the first 2 weeks sick and in the hospital last term and almost lost his life. He worked hard and passed all of his classes for the first time in a long time. He recently got his driving permit. This is a huge accomplishment for him. Megan is a volleyball playing fool. She is really good. She struggles as well though. She loves everyone, but trusts that people will treat her the same way and has experienced a lot of heart ache as well. Aubree is like Megan in that she is very trusting and gets the same result a lot. Aubree has a hard time understanding that she can't convince people to like her. As does Kyler. Jake is such a good kid. He really will do anything for anyone. He loves his family and his friends, but as with all of them, he doesn't know how to deal with the hurt when someone doesn't love him back. This decision to pursue a transfer and move was not made just for me. We know that this will be a problem that everyone needs to deal with and that it is everywhere, but hope that a fresh new start will help our kids and us as well.

I also found out this week that my dog Buddy is sick. I am hoping the the medication they gave him will help him to feel better. He is my sanity much of the time. He loves me, he doesn't care if I look bad or can't walk right or whatever. He hugs and kisses me when I need it and especially when there is no one else doing it. I hope he is OK. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him.

I hope this hasn't annoyed, or alarmed anyone. I just needed to get some things off my chest. Know that I am still fighting for myself, but very much weakened. I love my husband and my family and all of you who truly are my friends. I do feel your love. I am just struggling.

I want Rose to know that she has been there for me and done more for me in the 1 year I have known her than she can possibly imagine. Sometimes just having a partner in crime is the best medicine. I know I made you cry now, but it wouldn't be worth saying if I didn't.

Thanks for listening

~Christy