Hope I Still Have Some Friends

I know that the last few posts that I have put on here have been very negative and sometimes pretty mean. I hope that I haven't run off the few people that still care. There are a lot of things that I have written on here lately that I have been keeping to myself for way too long and they had to come out. I love where I live and my family and friends and neighbors, but like my kids, sometimes I really don't feel that love in return. Anyway, that said, I am hoping that soon I will be able to see things in a different light and gain back the faith and trust that I need. The hope is there, I am just too tired to fight for it now.

Life for me has been on a downhill slide for way too long and really the truth is that I can't see it getting any better right now. Like Dan mentioned in his post, I am a 36 year old woman that has the capacity of someone more than twice her age. I didn't ask for it, and am not faking it. I am however very scared that I am losing the battle and will not be given any help until it's too late. I have now entered the place where I am immensely afraid of this. I was a pretty put together person before this, now I feel like I have gone to the place of no hope and discouragement. I had heard nothing but wonderfulness about this doctor I saw yesterday and then didn't feel like he even gave me the time of day. His PA examined me and they looked at MRI films, but that's it. They say they are still looking, but gave us the distinct feeling that they think I am embellishing my problems. He was no different from the rest. This is what I mean by no hope for help. Either the docs that want to help can't because of a limitation of knowledge or the ones who can just don't. Seems that if it doesn't jump out in the first look, then there is no reason to look any more. I have never been "normal" physically so I am too much to deal with. Tomorrow I have to go be tested to see what my functionality is. My hope is that I will finally be able to show people just how limited I am. Problem is, just like the entire experience with this has been, this test is simply to prove that I could do something to make money. One of the letters of decline from SSI said before that I could do a "mindless" job. So I pretty much have no hope for a good turnout, and am preparing myself for more rude treatment from people thinking I'm faking it. Yes, I typed this blog, but it took me several hours do to the fact that I have to lay down every few minutes. If there is a job like this out there, I'd like to know where. Being told I can do "mindless" things tends to make me feel bad.

Well, I was hoping for this to be a more positive post. Sorry, but I hope some still want to be around me. My intentions were not to run people off, but just the opposite. Did however need to get some things out there. Thanks for reading.

~ Christy