Here I am again, 1 AM and not sleeping. So tired that I am having a hard time sitting up straight, yet can't seem to actually sleep. It has been one of THOSE days. It started out at 6 AM. We all had dentist appointments at 6:40. In theory this is a very good way to get all of us taken care of and on our way to whatever we need to be doing without interruption. The problem is that getting everyone up and out the door before 6:30 AM is no easy task. Upon finishing our visit with the dentist, we found out that Kyler could not have braces from that office, that he had to see a specialist. Apparently his jaw is not right and they can't fix it. Since we had already paid for all of his braces, now the question is how we are going to recover the $$ and if we will have enough to take care of them at another place. UGH ! I won't mention how many cavities and root canals and crowns that have to be done. Mine included. I would just like to say SLOW DOWN up there, I can't do everything at once :~\. I do know that if I did, I would get more trials and they would get increasingly harder.
Also today, I had an MRI done. This was a circus trying to get done as well. I hate insurance companies. They rule our lives. Just the drama of trying to get an approval at a different place than UVRMC, at which I don't trust the radiologist at all, was almost not worth it. Why can't we just have it so when we are sick or otherwise afflicted we see a doctor and get all the tests needed run, so we can get better. I feel like it is all a conspiracy to keep us sick so they can make more money. I saw the new Neurologist on Wednesday. He didn't give me any answers; however, he didn't pass me off either, which is good, except now I have to go through many of the tests again, which is emotionally and physically draining. Don't get me wrong, I know this has to be done in order to get a real diagnosis, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. It has now been 27 months since the first really bad episode and in that time I have been told that I have several small things wrong, but never anything as to why this paralysis happens. Dan says I have no choice but to deal with it. This being true, it doesn't mean I will make it through with my sanity.
I hope that soon I can feel better about my skills as a mother. It has been shown to me just how much of a complete failure I am at being the mother I want to be. If I was better, my kids wouldn't be struggling the way they are. All I do know is that I am awake most nights trying to figure out where I went wrong and how to fix it. I am afraid I have almost lost one, don't want to lose anymore. I just know that something has to give soon. My health, Kyler's health, Dan's pending employment, money, I could go on. It seemed easier when I was so busy because I just scheduled myself into oblivion and was everywhere for everything. Now I just lay around in my pj's and try to make myself do whatever a one armed person can do. You'd be amazed at how long it takes to do dishes one handed. It can be done though.
Anyway, sorry for the downer post. Hopefully some good news will come soon.
~Christy
1 comment:
Perhaps this will bring you comfort Christy--I don't know an individual woman who believes she is the mom she intended to be. No matter how valiantly we try, we are ALL imperfect. We can no more take credit for all of our children's mistakes than we can for their greatest accomplishments. We love, we guide, we instruct, we watch, we wait, and then we must pray to ask for the Lord to be there when we've done all we can. And he will be!
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