It's Not On Purpose

Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.

The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help.  I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time. 

We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days. 

The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some.  What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this. 

This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be. 

~Christy

Finding Purpose

Recently I was in a class and the subject was "Finding Your Purpose". There were other things along with it, but we sort of got stuck on this part, so I guess that was what we all needed to hear. Not to diminish the other parts though. They are important, I just can't remember the others enough to confidently talk about them here. It really did stand out to me though, like I was supposed to hear it when I did. 

For a very long time I have been searching for my purpose. Years ago I thought I had found it, but then everything changed. I guess my purpose in that respect changed. For the last almost 5 years I have been in constant and consistent change, but I think I finally understand why. This doesn't mean I will never have a day of total discouragement, just that for now I understand. When you are going along in life and things are going well you don't expect it to take a major turn and seem to go backwards, but that is exactly what happened to us. Seven years ago we were doing great! Getting ready to buy our house, both of us in school and working, (I had a job as the exec. asst. to the VP of Academics at UVU) kids doing pretty well, finally pretty deeply involved in church and with our ward members. (this is something I think about a lot, that we were doing so well because we had let God into our home and family) Dan was the Young Men's President and things were going pretty well. One day in June of 2004 Dan all of a sudden got really ill and was in severe pain. It was discovered that he had a kidney stone. After a month of trying to figure it out, they discovered and removed a tumor from his parathyroid. This gland regulates levels of minerals and stuff in the body. Therefore his calcium level was unregulated and he developed a kidney stone. During this time I had walked out of my job, and 2 people died withing days of each other. One was my aunt and the other was the person I had been working in place of and the person everyone hated me for "replacing".  I remember telling some one that I never wanted to go through a year like 2004 again. I never did have a year like 2004 again, they got progressively worse. We made so many changes in 2005. We bought our house and a new car, moved Dan's parents in, got new jobs, etc. 2006 hit with a vengeance. This is when I got sick. All of a sudden I was no longer able to work or go to school. Kyler especially was having a hard time in life basically. It seemed, and has continued to seem as though everything I/we had built was gone. I could no longer be the wife or mother I had worked so hard to be and now it was all on Dan to carry us. Anyway, I have gone through so many doctors and tests and have had to learn to advocate for myself so much during these years. I always wondered why I had to o through this. What I discovered was that I had to learn how to advocate for myself BIGTIME, but that when Kyler almost died I was able to advocate for him with some pretty good precision. I would not have know how to do it if I hadn't gone through it myself. Fast forward a few years to a more present time. The last year or so has been very hard on Dan especially. He has had a lot of stress trying to take care of us. He also tries to help his parents and friends, anyone who needs it. What happened though is that he finally hit a wall and just couldn't keep carrying all of this burden.  He still doesn't understand his potential that I  and many others see. He is wonderful the way he is, but has so much more to offer if he would let it happen. This past while has been very hard and trying on us,  but I have learned that some of the things he is dealing with are things that only I can help him with. Only I have the certain specific understanding of him that he needs. I'm not trying to make myself look important or something, but I understand my purpose in these things. I am here dealing with what I'm dealing with because I have a certain special something that Dan and my kids need, that no one else has. I cannot even say how hard the past years, especially the past one, have been, but I'm hoping with a little understanding of why, it will help me to get through it a little easier and better.

Recently some good friends of ours have had a really rough time. I feel like some of the things that we have gone through over the years have made it so that when our friends needed us, we were able to be there for them and they could confide in us and we would know what to say and do to help them. 

Tomorrow will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. We, or at least I, am asked all of the time how we did it. How after getting married at 16 and 17 years old, we have beat all of the odds and stresses against us and stayed together. My answer to that actually sounds pretty simple. It is that not making it work has never been an option. We have and still do actually work through whatever problems and issues arise. Sincere love and fierce loyalty and trust play a huge part as well. The past year has been quite hard at times and a challenge for us, but we continue to fight for us because we love each other and sincerely want our marriage and family to be as good and wonderful as it can be. 

I love you Dan! You are a wonderful husband and a great father and I am the luckiest person because I have the privilege of spending eternity with you and our family.  OK, so these are a little out of order but it's us over the years.

July 8th 1989

Sometime in 1990

Spring 1989

December 2010

December 2010

Think It Time for a New Post

I really don't have much to blog about, but I guess I need to update every now and then. It's been close to a month. 

Since I last posted, the kids are all out of school. This is a blessing and a torture. They are all going stir crazy, but on the other hand, the rigorous schedule we were doing before isn't there so that's nice. Aubree is in cheer and has practice all summer and Kyler is busily working on packets so he can hopefully graduate. Megan has been doing odd jobs for people and helping around home a little. Jake just finished football camp last week. Seemed to have fun. Life is just cruising along around here. 

Hope all are well. 

"Buddy" December 5, 2003 to May 23, 2011 Our best Doggy In the Window

 This last Monday I did something that was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my entire life. I know that I sound like a baby when I say this, but it really was very hard. The past 5 years have been the hardest and worst years of my life. I have had health problems that for a while I thought would take my life. They didn't, but they certainly changed it. During all of this, I had one very steady, unwavering thing. His name was Buddy. Yes, I have Dan and my kids and family and friends, but there is something different about the four legged furry support and therapy Buddy gave me. It didn't matter what I had done. If I had corrected him or spent time away or whatever. He was always waiting in the window then at the door when I came in. There was some pretty good comfort in knowing that he would be waiting when I got there. He was one that if he thought some one was hurt or hurting, he'd go after who ever hurt them or at the very least give you kisses or snuggles so that you knew he was watching out for you and loving you. He was a fierce defender of our home and of our family. He loved everyone. So fiercely that when some one would try to leave (and I do mean anyone) he would stand between them and the door and bark. I always said he was telling them to have a safe trip home and that they didn't really have to leave ;-) He was even more fiercely loyal to me. All you would have to do is make me feel bad for any reason, then you were toast. 

A little over a year ago Buddy started acting a little weird and appearing to hurt badly and was having problems with the training he had, etc. He would shake like crazy but we for a while just sort of passed that off as his nature because he was a fairly hyper dog. One day it got really bad so I took him to the vet and they told me he not only had a double ear infection, but that he had a bladder stone that would have to be removed surgically to relieve him of the pain. The surgery was horribly expensive so we couldn't have that done. Plus, they said that he would probably have it happen again even if he had the surgery. I battled with myself for over a year trying to decide what to do about this. It seemed that every time I even thought of relieving him of his pain he would rally and act as if there was nothing wrong. I think he knew that I would have a very hard time doing it, so he tried to make me not have to do it.  One day about 10 days ago he laid on the couch all day and whimpered and looked like he was really struggling. At this point I decided that I could not make him go through this any longer. Especially since it was pretty much for me. I made the decision to have him put to sleep so that he would not have to hurt anymore. He fulfilled every measure of his name "Buddy" and more. There is a definite void in our lives and our home now. Even the cat is missing him. It is very quiet and it's hard not to have him in the window watching for us. The only thing that gets me/us through is the knowledge that he is no longer in pain. We are so lucky appreciative to Erica, who helped us so much with this. She works at the vet and held him when it was done so that he wasn't alone. I couldn't do it but am comforted that he was being held and loved when this happen. I couldn't have that picture in my mind, so she did it for me. 

A friend of mine told me to think about it in that he is now sitting at the feet of Heavenly Father. Warming them and giving him the love he has. Also, my sister had to put her dog to sleep a couple of years ago and she thinks that they are now playing together in Heaven, waiting and preparing for all of us. 

He was a spectacular dog. Very loving and loyal and I/we miss him so much. We are working through it, but it's so hard. Life is just not the same. He will be waiting though. He's watching over and protecting us and will be waiting at the door when we arrive. 

God Speed Buddy. I hope your trip over the rainbow was easy and peaceful. Until we meet again. 

Christy

Ramblings In the Night

So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. I go to be between 9 and 10 and then for some unknown reason I wake up about midnight and can't sleep again all night long. Some how though, I can sleep for about another hour or two after everyone leaves for work and school. Not always though. That is when people call and such, plus it's light outside, etc.  

I am sure that this is part of the reason I have had several days of major meltdown. I have had an extremely hard time keeping it together lately. We have been EXTREMELY busy the past week or two as well. I really have a hard time during times like these, trying to not let it get to me that I, simply put, can't do what I should be able to do or want to do. I was telling Dan the other day that it is very hard because I try to push myself to do things I know I have been able to do before and feel like I should be doing, which sometimes I succeed in, but then 99% of the time I do too much and end up hurting and having so many problems that it is 100 times worse than if I had just listened to my limits. It is a vicious cycle that I keep trying to stop. 

I have felt very much alone for the past while. I know that sounds crazy, because I am rarely "alone", but I have felt very much on the outside of mostly everywhere and everyone. I know that my problems are hard to take or to attempt to understand, but it has felt like in the time I have felt like I needed people the most I look around and find many of them not here. All I have ever asked from anyone is to just listen to me while I try to work through my crazy scary life, and then love and care for me for who I am and what I am trying to get through. Good intentions of people tend to make them want to fix things, but things can't be fixed when they are not understood. I don't expect anyone to understand nor fix things,  I just really long for support of my feelings.  I spend a lot of my "alone" time praying for peace and guidance. It has been very hard to try and be patient, especially after doing this steady for almost 5 years. I have had to learn to trust promptings again after having some very bad experiences with what I perceived to be promptings. I know it's hard and frustrating, but all I ask is that those who care about me and/or my family be patient with me while I try to be better.  

It has basically been determined that Kyler is mildly autistic. Nothing is officially diagnosed, but doctors, counselors, educators, and family  have all come to agreement on this. You can trace things all the way back to his toddler phase that show these signs. I wish that some one would have made this clear many years ago, but they didn't, so we are now dealing with it. We are SO very much appreciative of the administration and faculty at his school for the care and concern for Kyler and all of our family. They have been pretty amazing. 

So I am sort of in charge of putting together a bake sale fundraiser for the cheer team at the kid's school. Since we have 2 kids involved in cheer, we certainly need the fundraising ;-)  I have a lot of ideas and hope that people will agree and help this be a success. I could use any help with this. PLEASE let me know if any are willing to donate goodies or anything else. 

I apologize for this being another rant in the night. I am trying every way I know how to make things better all around. Just not perfect at it. I hope that my friends and family who care about me and my family will care enough to be patient with me. I/we need you and notice and appreciate everything that you do. 

~Christy

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I did something that I thought long and hard about. I knew it would be a huge life change, but I also knew that it would be good for me. This is what I looked like 1 year ago...

 When I look back at these pictures, it makes me pretty sad. I really can't believe this was me. So unhappy and so unhealthy. Not comfortable with having my picture taken. I cannot even put the pants I was wearing on anymore and keep them up. It really is a good thing I have these pictures to look at though. I have really been struggling with the fact that I did not make my goal. It seemed so simple when I set it, and about 6 months into it, I was so sure I would make it I didn't even really think about it. Well, when I got to about 8 months post surgery, I stopped losing weight. I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost anymore either. Leaving me depending on the day, 10 to 15 pounds under my goal. I have lost 85-90 pounds altogether. I am really very proud of myself for doing this at all and for sticking to it (for the most part, I do have days that are REALLY hard). 

I saw some one today who had the same surgery about 6 months before I did and she looks to good and SO skinny. I looked at her and thought "she looks familiar", then Dan said, you remember ______ don't you? I said "OH MY GOSH!" She looked wonderful. For a few minutes I felt really sorry for myself, but I then decided that I have to be happy and proud of myself for what I have accomplished. 

I can now share clothes with Aubree, which is very cool and that makes me very happy. She is 13. I don't remember fitting in any clothes that size since I was like 12. This I don't understand because I am literally not that small, but I am trying to be happy with where I am. I cannot exercise like most people who have this because of my disabilities, so to have lost almost 100 pounds with minimal exercise means the world to me. So now I will post a few chronologically taken pictures of me...

3 months

5 months

7 months

OK, so I haven't lost any more since this picture was taken, so I'll have to use this for the new one. It is taken in the same spot as the before pic. See a difference?? :-) :-)

Thanks to everyone who has supported me/us in this. It really is a family thing and having the support of family and friends is paramount!!

~Christy

Recognizing Blessings

I'm sure that you have all read about and heard or seen the seemingly endless misfortune we have endured over the last few years. I have been hoping to see those promised blessings come to fruition for a while now, wondering what it was that I hadn't learned or done that was holding them back. I am not convinced that it has been a very noticeable change, but I have really been trying to change my thought process for the past little while. I'm definitely not perfect at it and have times where I slip back into it, but I have really been putting an effort into having hope and optimism. This is not easy for me as I have literally had to change almost everything I have ever known to do it. 

 I am still very discouraged with my abilities as a mother. I recognize that I am being too hard on myself and I really try to feel differently about it, but the fact is that my kids are still spiraling downward in many ways. Especially academically. I have to throw out a thank you to Elisabeth Shelley for expressing her feelings as a mother. If she has had similar experiences and still has some encouragement somewhere, then it gives me a little hope. Our kids are doing leaps and bounds better in so many other ways at the school we put them in this year but they are struggling. I have discovered that they have not been taught some of the fundamentals that they need to excel, especially math. We have tried everything, homework trackers, conferences with the teachers, I mean everything. I am so worried that especially Kyler is not going to have the experience of graduating and then he will have an extremely hard life ahead of him, even more than he is already going to have. I'm sure that a lot of these things are normal feelings for a mother with 3 teenagers and a 10 year old, but I'm learning and some days are just too much. On the positive side of this, I think that we are slowly regaining somewhat of a relationship with our kids that has been lost for a while.

Dan got a promotion at work in January. It has been hard for him as he not only has to learn his new job, but is expected to do his old job as well because they can't hire anyone to do it. It's very stressful as Dan is a perfectionist at work and simply cannot do everything he needs/wants to get done. He is finally getting noticed as a photographer in a good way. He has done a wedding now and has another one coming up. Has done a few bridal sessions, and they are gorgeous. I'm proud of him and envy him for chasing a dream and making it real. Obviously I'm glad he has toned things down a bit ;-)

For about the past 2 years, we have been fighting to keep our van running. Funny how it got REALLY bad about the time we paid it off. Anyway, we have replaced multiple things on it. When we bought it, we had done some homework on it and it was VERY highly rated and was only 3 years old so we felt pretty good that we had made a good decision. I think we should have painted it yellow, because everything started going wrong with it one right after another, sometimes 2 at once. Well, last week after having it die on me 3 times, 2 of them on very busy streets, we decided that we had better not drive it anymore. After getting the news from the mechanic that we would have to replace the transmission and various other important parts just to make it safe (not good, just safe and no guarantee of passing inspection) we decided that we just needed to get rid of it. We then took it to the Pic a Part and literally sold it for parts. They gave us enough to take care of a couple of things and spend a little on ourselves for our temple anniversary that was last Friday.  The reason I tell you all of this is because at this point we needed another vehicle (thanks to my sisters and BIL's that let us use their cars in the in between) but knew finding one that we had any chance of getting and having it be usable was going to be a major challenge. So Friday I was looking through the cars for sale on KSL when I came across this one.

Dan and I talked for a while at which point we decided it was too good to be true. After a while of feeling uneasy about not calling, I called about it anyway. I talked to the man who told me that he had bought it for his growing family from an older couple who used it to travel but needed to downsize. I then wondered why he was selling it and he said that it was too big for his wife to handle (apparently she is even shorter than me, REALLY??)  and that they had bought something smaller. So that seemed cool. He told me that he had just replaced a bunch of stuff (Pretty much everything, including a radiator) except the transmission and engine. That he was a mechanic and just liked it to be running in top shape. So we went to look at it on Friday night but missed them being at home. Dan looked all over the outside and through the windows and couldn't find any problems. We left still thinking it was too good to be true, but went back on Saturday morning and were able to drive it. While we were out driving it finding no problems and commenting on the pristine condition of the interior, the man called us and said that we were really nice people and really needed it so he wanted only a certain amount for it, which was $500 less than the original price and that we should keep it in mind. Dan and I looked at each other in shock and said "well that was weird." We haven't had things like this happen for us in a LONG time. So we took some $$ to him and drove our vehicle home. He then gave us a bunch of antifreeze, etc that he had bought for it and the one part he hadn't put in yet and told us that he had just registered it in February so to check and see if we could just transfer the emissions and inspection. We feel very blessed that we were able to get what we wanted and were able to get it at all. We have really been trying to make some things right lately and for me I feel that this has been a faith building experience and has strengthened me conviction to keep trying. I don't speak for Dan, but he is grateful for the generosity and human decency that has been shown us lately.  We don't have to pay for anything but the taxes and registration because of this man and because I have handicapped plates, we are able to transfer them instead of having to pay for new ones. Insurance will also be about the same. It seems it has been a good thing all of the way around.

So, I have had a few days to reflect on a few things. For the most part, I am doing pretty well at seeing things in a new light, that there are blessings coming our way. I have days where I don't do as well as others, but all I can do is try my best. That's all that anyone should be expected to do. 

Christy

The Climb

Earlier I was in the van and heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. While she is not one of my favorite people to listen to, I have heard that song before and it always makes me cry. It is literally a song about my life. I have been encouraged to listen to it by others many times, and they're right. I am aware that I have a hard time seeing the positive a lot of the time. I hope that all of my family and friends understand that I really do try to see life in a more positive light. It's just very hard for me sometimes. 

There is a line in the song that says..."There's always going to be another mountain, I'm gonna want to make it move." A person is always going to want to try and move mountains to have the life that they hope to have. I don't think that we have any idea how hard that is and forget that there is going to be another mountain right behind it. I think it's a hard thing to learn. I am happy in my marriage and with my family. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it has been very hard to learn how to "enjoy" the journey and the trials in my life. I love my mother and I think she is a wonderful person and a great example of a hard working, God fearing woman who loves her family, but all I learned in my childhood was to get upset and hide when something happened. That it pretty much was the end of the world when things didn't work out. I was the next child born after the horrific experience of losing a child.  I'm not putting down the way I was taught because I have no place to say what is right or wrong and how I would handle the situation they had. I just know that it has been a hard thing to learn as an adult. Now I realize that I am 38 years old and have been married for almost 22 of those years, but it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been given any ideas on how to cope with trials and things. The scary thing is that during the last 5 years my family and I have had HUGE, unbelievable, non-stop trials. It is quite a hard thing to learn by trial and error, and while trying to learn and get through these things, my body has literally started to break down. It's not only me either, Dan has had numerous surgeries and injuries and employment issues, etc. Kyler has become extremely sick a couple of times and had to face some realities that he can't understand, because they exist. Megan has gone through some horrible things, and Jake and Aubree have had some fairly major issues as well. It's very hard when each member of a family are having their own personal crisis' that they are trying to deal with and it puts extreme pressure on the family to hold things together. How does one hold a family together when they can't keep them self together. Anyway, we're doing our best to figure it out, we're just not always successful with what we do. We are trying.

Over the weekend some things happened that were very hard. Things were said and done that were not meant to hurt anyone, but did. I hope that Dan and my kids know that I love them and that there are some things I still don't know how to control or do. I sometimes don't know what I have said or done until after the fact. I hope that they know this and understand that I love them and would not intentionally do anything to hurt them. I would hope they will try to be understanding and patient with me. Life is not what they see on TV, I am real and have real feelings that I need to be cared for and loved and respected. 

Anyway, I hope that "The Climb" becomes a little less hard soon, but am trying to learn to enjoy it. Please bear with me and pray for me as I know you have done before. 

~Christy

As the Days Fly By

I can't believe that it has been over a month since Christmas. It's a week into February! 

2011 has started out pretty well. There have definitely been hiccups in the system, but for the most part it has been pretty good so far. 

Dan has worked at his job with the state for almost 6 years. He has applied for promotions and other jobs steadily during this time. Well, during the first part of January he applied and interviewed for a Senior Agent position on his current team and he got it! Finally he was starting to move up instead of straight across in his job. Although, the moving around gave him some good, much needed experience that likely gave him the boost to get this position. We are very excited about this and it will be a good thing for our family. Right now he has to do both his new and old job until they decide to replace him, so he is super busy and learning a lot. He has done quite a lot of photography in the past couple of months and has 2 weddings coming up. He does a good job, just has a different style than many out there. 

I've been doing OK. I started finding ways to get back to the pool because I think it helps me in so many ways physically and emotionally that I decided one day that it was something I had to do. 2 weeks ago I broke my baby toe and 2 bones in my foot by just taking off my sock and catching my toe in the cuff of my pants. This made me decide to have my bone density checked and it looks as if I have some pretty old bones. While this sounds terrible, I have been told that this may be part of the cause for some of the things that have been going on for the past 5 years, that it has just seemed to get worse lately. I will most likely be taking some pretty good supplements soon, but that is a fine price for me to pay to finally have some peace of mind. My dog is getting old and is not well. I worry every morning about waking up to find him no longer with us. He's only like 8 years old, but is sick. I worry about him a lot. The cat is just his normal Diva self. He wants to play with the dog, but the dog wants no part of it. I love my pets.

Kyler has had an interesting month. He got to spend 5 days in Las Vegas and some other places. He seemed to have fun, but also has a hard time knowing how to make it all the way from start to finish of these things without having something weird happen. Oh well. He broke up with his girlfriend not wanting to be in a place he wasn't ready for yet, which we admire, but she was a very good thing for him so we are sort of sad, and so is she. His tick has returned and he's been having some not so good affects of his sickness, but we are switching things up and I think he;s improving a little each day. He's actually doing pretty good for a 17 year old boy with the problems and issues he has to live and deal with. 

Megan is learning the ins and outs of high school. She has a real struggle with math, but is working at it and doing pretty well for the most part. She's a pretty happy girl for the most part. She received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday. I have been encouraging this for a while in the hopes that it might give my kids some direction in their lives. 

Aubree is doing pretty well in most things with her life. She is having a struggle as well with some of her grades, but continues to work on it. She also received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday and has really embraced it. Makes me happy that she seems to understand what it really means. 

Jake is just Jake. He misses football. He gets bored A LOT! He's doing well in school. Not a lot going on with him. 

Our family is doing it's best to move ahead from the many things we have been dealing with over the last while. We know we're not perfect and that there are many things we can improve on, but we do love each other and will make it through one way or the other. 

~Christy

2010

It's New Years Eve for 2010 and I have been thinking about the past year and the many things that have gone on during it. It has been an eventful year filled with a lot of ups and downs and trials and accomplishments. Much like a roller coaster.

I guess you could say this year started off with a bang or something. Aubree, who is a major drama queen had been complaining of a migraine for a while. Like I said, she likes the drama, so I pretty much didn't believe her when she repeatedly complained of a headache. Especially since I know what migraines do to a person and she wasn't seeming to be that sick. Anyway, she had been complaining all through church one Sunday that she was sick and her head hurt, I told her it was because she hadn't eaten because of Fast Sunday and that she would live. Finally I decided to take her to the doctor just so he would tell her she was fine. Man was I surprised!! He said that she had at least something called Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, which is a swollen eye socket and that there was a real possibility that she had a brain tumor. A young girl in our neighborhood had just died from a brain tumor, so this was a very scary thought to us. After a few days of not knowing, she had an MRI which showed NO TUMOR. Just severe swelling behind her eye, which it was determined was caused by a reaction to an antibiotic she had taken. She is on maintenance meds for headaches now, but has pretty much been fine since. That was the big "down" thing in January. Also in January we made the decision that I was going to have a gastric bypass so as to finally be able to lose some weight and prolong my life. I had tried pretty much everything I could, so this was the next thing, and hopefully the last. So that was an "up" happening.

February brought quite a lot of heartache as Megan was assaulted. Something we had hoped and prayed would never happen to anyone we knew, let a lone one of our kids. I can't say much about it, other than she has not been the same since. She has done all of the counseling and such and does pretty well, but it changed her life, and not for the better. Not to mention that the authorities that were supposed to be there to help us didn't for the most part, so we were just left doing it by ourselves, with the help of a neighbor. I can't remember anything "up" for February, I try to not remember a lot from then.

March was a pretty exciting month. We were preparing for my surgery that was to be on the 29th. Also, Dan was doing a lot of home improvement, painting and such. He had designed and had a pot hanger made and hung it up and was painting the kitchen ceiling when I started to have what appeared to be a horrible cold. I couldn't have a cold, I was having surgery. Well, after I was barely able to breath I went to the doc one Sunday and my oxygen was so low they were freaking out wondering how I was conscious. After 2 breathing treatments, they determined that the fumes from the paint primer that was used caused a severe reaction with my airway and caused a severe asthma attack. So in turn, my surgery was postponed 6 days before it was to happen and after I was a day into the liquid diet. It was hard to take, but I did it.  Kyler turned 16 on the 31st of March. That was kind of an interesting experience as it made me look back to my 16th birthday and see how different we are and the difference in the places we are/were at that point. Not to mention, am I really old enough to have a 16 year old child?? 

April came and I did have my surgery which went fabulously. Within one week from surgery I was off of all my medications and had lost around 20 pounds. Things seemed pretty good at this point. 

A little earlier in the year Dan got a new camera. He has been a photographer his entire life, nothing professional, but has love taking pictures and has a real talent for it. He was the historian for the Youth Pioneer Trek they were to go on in June, so that was his excuse for needing a new fancy camera ;-) He was enjoying taking picture of me and my transformation after surgery. He took a before picture or two and then for the most part takes one every 12th of each month to show the changes. He also found some groups that would let him get some experience and start to build a portfolio so he could maybe start to make a little money doing his hobby that he loves. This has sort of proved to be a double edged sword, but I am glad he is able to do it. He really is very good at it.

May was fairly uneventful. We had some more testing done with Kyler and got a few more answers into the mystery of him, but other than that not much happened.

June brought the trek. This trek was a year or more in planning and was fairly costly as we had 3 youth and Dan going on it. It was really an experience for them though and all are glad they were able to go. Dan took over 1600 pictures to document it and everyone was very pleased.   Megan had a babysitting job for the summer, Kyler

July was fairly uneventful until the end, when I fell and ended up in an ambulance and at the ER because of losing feeling on my right side again. Also, it was the beginning of some pretty scary things going on in regards to spirituality and beliefs in our home. It has been extremely hard trying to get things back to what has been the "Norm" around here. Our "norm" is nothing like any other family's anyway, but it has been a challenge. 

Near the end of July Dan and I made the decision to apply our 3 oldest kids to Maeser Preparatory Academy. Our hope was to be able to get them out of the somewhat "socially focused" public school system and let them be able to focus on school. We really have nothing against the regular public school system, but we knew Kyler needed some kind of a different experience and that it could only benefit the others as well. 

August came and Jake started school and is in the 4th grade. We still waited until at least the middle of the month to find out if the kids got in to Maeser, but they did, so they didn't start school until September 7th. Jake was the only one going then. I had lost a little over 70 pounds in those 4 months and was feeling pretty good. Dan and I were still struggling to hold things together, but loved each other enough to work on it.

September brought all kids in school. It is the real Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Until things happen and it ruins what seemed to be everything. This was another month that brought a lot of heartache to our family. Dan at this point decided that he was not going to participate in the church any longer. I understand his feelings and he has been judged very harshly, but we cannot come to agreement on this still. Life sort of seemed like it had be turned upside down at this point and shaken vigorously. 

On a positive note though, the kids loved their new school and things were going great there. Megan made the volleyball team and loves it, and Aubree played volleyball on the charter league for the middle school.

My nephew Cody was in a horrific car accident and almost lost his life. He spent a few days in very grave condition and in a coma, but recovered physically very quickly and well. As far as the sheer brain injury, it's going to be a long time before he can recover from that, if ever, but all we can do is love him and hope for the best. Watching my sister go through this was very personal to me. Kyler and Cody have a lot of the same issues. Cody's are far worse, but it is still hard to deal with.

October was interesting. Dan continued to build his portfolio. It seems that the happenings of September rolled over into October. Dan lost his job at UVU that he had been at for a while. This was a pretty extreme hit to us as Kyler lost his job there as well. It was not a happy experience. Financially, this was a huge hit and emotionally as it was very closely tied to the September happenings and were just simply done by people thinking they are on a higher plain.  There is enough responsibility to go all the way around. That's all I can say about that.

Kyler became involved in ballroom dance at school and was able to go to Cedar City and participate in the Shakespearean Festival. They did very well in the competition. This was also the month that he tried out and made the cheer team as a yell leader. Very good things were happening for him at his new school and he still struggled academically, but every other way is 200% better.

Jake had been playing football on the Timpanogos team of the UVFL. Their team went all the way to the championship game. The day before this game Jake broke his wrist (of course playing football at school) and he was the back up center for another boy out of town. This was devastating to Jake, as he had to watch his team lose the game and couldn't do anything to help. We told him that there is always next year.

November was fairly uneventful. Not much happened. We had Thanksgiving at my parents house. Dan had surgery on his other foot. Hated the cast, but is happy that the horrible pain is gone.

December has been an interesting month. On the 7th Dan's Grandmother passed away. She was 88 years old and had spent 11 years without her husband. We had several Christmas parties and events and birthdays this month. Aubree turned 13 on the 15th. All of Dan's family were able to come in this year. They were here for the funeral of his grandmother on the 18th. We had a nice time with them. Dan did family pictures on the 17th at the UVU library and then we came home and had dinner and a party. The funeral was on the 18th, then we came home and played games, then it was my and Jim's birthday on the 19th so we had a birthday party. Dan had invited some friends and neighbors and family. It was nice. On the 20th we were on our way to Dan's cousins house in Springville when we hit a bunch of potholes and then finally hit one that blew the tire. We pulled off, changed it and proceeded and which time we hit another and blew that tire. Dan and I didn't make it to the party, we spent the entire evening in the snow with my dad trying to get home. We finally made it, but only after a tow, and A LOT of money worth of damage and being in the cold forever. 

Christmas was low key here this year. We just didn't have the $$ or energy to do any more. We really appreciate the unknowns who left us little things on our porch and gave us things for Christmas. They really made a huge difference in our ability to feel the Christmas Spirit. 

I of course got really sick on Sunday, which I have seemed to get over that for the most part, but then I got this very bad pain in my right side and have had tests over and over since. They of course cannot figure out what it is, but I think they messed with it enough that it has lightened up the pain a little. We'll just wait and hope it goes away. Otherwise I will probably end up having another surgery. 

Anyway, 2010 has been good and not so good, but we are hoping that the change of a decade will bring a change of many things. The past one has been very scary so we can only hope for the best. We are all fairly healthy and happy and that's what is important. 

Happy New Year and my wish is a wonderful 2011 to all!

~Christy