Merry Christmas

So I have had a very hard time getting into the Christmas spirit again this year. It really bothers me that I can't seem to get there, but at least I'm trying. 

I am grateful for the love and support that we have been shown especially in the last little while. We are in what seems to be a decade of trial, but this decade will be over in a few short days and I am hoping that the next one will bring us less trial and more happiness. I have thought a lot (even more than usual) about Christmas and the real meaning lately. While my family won't be getting much for Christmas this year, my hope is that at least they know that they have a home to be in with a loving family. We aren't perfect, but are trying our best. 

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year and wish you all a wonderful 2011. 

Christy 

"Life Has Hit Another Pothole" Or 3

So I haven't posted a lot this year because I have been trying to post positive things and well, if I don't have positive things to say then I don't post. You get the idea ;-) 

This past year, 2010, has been very hard. The past 5 years have been hard, but this one was different. The previous 4 years were physically hard with sickness and pain and just trying to adjust to things. Many had been hospitalized etc. While I will not downplay those experiences,  or the continuing pain, etc., the past year has been very hard emotionally. Things have seemed to fall apart in regards to thoughts and beliefs, finances, self worthiness, and just pretty much everything overall. I have really tried to make my best effort to be positive and look for the good in things this year. I know that as human beings we will have trials throughout our lives and that apparently this is our time in life to have them. They just seem to pile on right now instead of us learning to get through them and move forward. I have learned to not ask how things could get worse. When I do, I learn just exactly how they can. I am wondering though what it is I/we haven't learned that will make things lighter. It really seems as though when things are getting better we have an equally hard or harder thing happen. 

This year we put our 3 oldest kids in a charter school in the hopes that it would improve their school experience. This really turned out to be a HUGE blessing. They have excelled there in so many ways.  Especially Kyler. He hasn't had any feeling of self worth or acceptance for a long time and has it there. Right now though all 3 are struggling academically and we can't seem to make them understand that they are intelligent and capable to do the things they are expected to do. It's hard to feel bad about this as they are doing so much better in every other way there. We just don't know how to help them in this regard. This is an example of how good things/blessings come and there is an equal or worse thing to make it hard. 

So this past weekend Dan's family has been here for a visit. It has been a nice weekend. A lot of "partying", some things not so fun. We had a funeral for his grandma last Saturday, but otherwise it has been pretty nice. This is something that is another good thing/blessing happening, then something bad has to happen. We were going to a Family Home Evening at Dan's cousins house last night when we hit a pothole on the freeway and it blew a fairly new tire out. Thank goodness Dan knows what he's doing or it could have been a much worse situation. We pulled off the freeway where Dan changed the tire and we proceeded on our way. Less than 2 exits further we hit another pothole and blew the spare, but could not get off of the road (because of the "luge" situation with construction) and had to drive it a little ways. This tire is totally shredded. The rim on it is completely mutilated. Dan's parents and brother were following us and saw what happened and took the kids with them, which we were very thankful for. We then called my dad which came with another spare tire. We were on the freeway off ramp for a little under 2 hours, at which point a UHP officer finally stopped and when Dan explained to him what happened his answer was " Well, watch out for those potholes" and then sat and ran the license plates to see if he could catch us with warrants or something. No such luck for him...UGH.  Aren't they supposed to help you?? Just wondering.  We then managed to get to a gas station at which point the spare my dad brought went flat. After some time of trying to figure out what to do next (all of the tire places were closed) my dad was able to use a road hazard he carries and get the car towed to a tire store.  We aren't sure and are trying to be hopeful about the tire and the car, but are cautiously aware that this could be pretty bad. That car hit the pavement more than once and those tires are in pretty bad shape. Thank goodness Dan knew what to do to protect us. Blowing tires in the dark on a snowy, under-construction freeway is pretty scary.

We are so grateful to everyone, including AAA for being generous and helping us in our ongoing, seemingly endless, time of need. All we can do is let you all know of our appreciation and gratitude and hope that 2011 is going to be a good year for us.  We  really are trying to get it together. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family and for all of the many acts of service and everything else that has been for us. We are truly blessed with a good family and friends. Keep them coming!!

~Christy

The Stereotypical Thanksgiving Post

So I woke up at around 3:30 this morning in a panic about something and haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I thought I would put in writing some of the things I am thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family. Even though it doesn't seem like it all of the time I really am thankful for Dan, Kyler, Megan, Aubree, Jake, and of course Buddy and Tazzy. I know it seems a little cheesy to include the dog and cat in this list, but they really are very special and important to me. Non judgmental and soft and furry. They just love me no matter what. I may complain and feel bad about situations in my home that I am dealing with, but I LOVE MY KIDS! I waited a long time for them and I know that things will turn out. We just have to get through these teenage years so we can all remember the love. I am so proud of them for who they are and their accomplishments. 

I LOVE DAN!! The past few years, and especially the past year have been a huge challenge for us, but we love each other so much and will make it through some how. Dan is what I dreamed of always. He works hard for us and loves us. He would do anything for us. Getting the person of your dreams does happen, sometimes they fall in your lap. Or in my case show up by accident ;-) I just hope he remembers how much we love and appreciate him. I don't know if I would still be here if Dan had not been there to hold me up, sometimes literally. I just wish I was able to return the favor. I just wish he knew of the love I have for him.

I am thankful for both of our extended families. It is very much an interesting and somewhat unique dynamic between all of us, but it is all centered and based on love. Even when we disagree. I watched my family pull together in times of need this year, and it was heart warming to see just what we can do when we remember who we are and who's we are. Just thankful that we still have all of the family here with us. Many have helped us in so many ways over the past years and I hope they know it has not gone un-noticed.

I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through everything. Those who still love and care about us even with our faults. I am so grateful to have good neighbors. We have had some scary ones in the past and it's wonderful to have nice good people to live by. I'm thankful for a wonderful loving home teacher (you know who you are) that has been there for us in ways we cannot share. We love you just as if you were our family.

I am thankful for my home. It's a humble home, but it's all that we need and is comfortable and especially this year I am grateful to have it. I am luckier than so many people who don't have one. I am also thankful that Dan has a job. It's not his dream job, but it is a job and it's more than many have right now. I am also thankful for good doctors who truly try to help me and my family. I am actually looking forward to a longer future because of some skills of these men and women. They have also used those skills on many family and friends who may not have been with us this Thanksgiving otherwise.

 I am thankful for my knowledge of the gospel. I know that this is probably not the forum for testimony, but it is what has pulled me through some very hard things in my life, especially during the past few years and definitely the last few months. It really is the only hope that holds me up some days. Yes, I have my times that I am not as strong as I should be in this, but the roots are there. 

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and holiday season. 

~Christy

7 Months

These are a few pics of me at 7 months post surgery. I am sort of stuck at around -85 pounds. I have 5 months to lose 15 in order to hit my goal. According to the docs and their "ideals" I have around -40 more pounds to go altogether. I'm hoping, but am also realistic. I will be very happy at the -100. Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself in this way. I can wear Aubree's pants!!! I was able to find clothes I can wear in a normal place today and a few times lately. I am very happy about this. 

OK, here are the pics...

Not Sure Why I'm Here

I know, I'm not supposed to write about things on here that aren't positive and uplifting, but sometimes there just isn't much else to say but the feelings in my heart. Some tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, that I am just pessimistic or something. Really I am not a negative person, I have just had so many things go on for such a long time that it sometimes comes to a point where I can't look at things and be positive. 

I'm not sure how to get some of this out without making some one feel bad, or worry some, and for this I am`sorry, but I can't just keep everything in all of the time because I don't want to hurt some one. I certainly don't seem to get the same consideration from many. 

I am at a point in my life where I am struggling to find my meaning. It seems that my calling in life is to bear every one's burdens and do it with a smile. While I would love to have the strength and ability to do this, the reality is that I don't have those things and it's not my responsibility to bear everyone elses burdens. I do my best to help my family and friends, but I am carrying a very huge load of my own and simply can't carry it all. 

I have been in counseling for several years now. It has really helped me in this area. The problem now is that so many of those that have encouraged the counseling don't like the person I have become. I have been counseled to not carry feelings, to let it out when I don't agree. That I should stand up for what I feel to be right. This is where I feel I have a strength. I am a very "go by my gut" person. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. At least not for me. That is how I am. I don't think everyone is, nor should be the same. There has to be different personalities or there would be no purpose for people to exist. One of my biggest issues I'm dealing with right now is that I have started in the last several years to stand up for myself instead of cowering and people really don't like it. It's really heard when the same people who wanted me to get counseling don't like what I'm being taught. It's as if they just wanted me to get straightened out so I could deal with cowering, not actually learn and gain strength from it. 

As many of you know there have been a lot of things change in our home and family in the last few months. This I feel is almost a bigger trial than what I thought was the biggest trial of my life. I feel like our family is falling apart. Not only our immediate family that lives here in our home, but our entire family on both sides. We seem to be being tried from every side. It has become a situation where a gathering cannot happen without there being a situation where people must "pick sides" to be able to feel they are part of the family. This type of thing has no place in a family. I realize that here in my home I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which are girls and that there is a dynamic in teenage life that is simply argumentative, but these kids have taken it to a whole new level. I'm not sure I can salvage a relationship there. They are mean and hateful to each other, and to me. I am told on a regular basis that I have no idea what life is like for them and that I don't care. That I just want to yell and scream at them. I have been pretty good to them I think. I know they don't really mean a lot of what they say, but I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually do feel that way. That I really am just a pain in their rear ends. I have spent countless hours at school, at home and many other places trying to make sure they have everything they need and much of what they want. Even Jake has started letting me know of all my faults lately. I really feel very much unloved by my kids. It breaks my heart that my kids feel this way about me. I still move on everyday, hoping that that day will be better. My hope is fading. I love my kids and my family. Just feel like it isn't reciprocated very much. 

I feel lost and frustrated when it comes to Kyler. He is a good kid with many issues himself to deal with. We have to have a firm hand with him, but it doesn't seem to work very well anymore with him. He simply doesn't get it and then feels bad when things don't work out. The frustration level with trying to understand and help him is so high right now, I find myself crying at various times throughout a day just to have one good day, or minute for that matter, with him and for him to gain some understanding of why he's in some of the situations he's in. It's very hard to keep doing things to help when you know it isn't helping. But if I stop trying to help, then I have given up on him. Something I will never do, but sometimes don't have the strength to keep the hope going . I love Kyler. I just have to try and remember that it isn't really him talking much of the time. This is not an easy task when I am being torn down to an inch tall and told how terrible I am on a regular basis. 

Then there is Dan. I love Dan, Dan loves me. We have just come to a point where we have some pretty major differences on things. I am painfully aware that the reason our home is in chaos is because we are not able to be in agreement on many things. Throughout our marriage we have been very careful to not let our kids be in the middle of things when we disagree. Lately we can't seem to agree on much though, so our kids are stuck "picking sides" like a mentioned before in regards to the big family. I am feeling quite vulnerable and insecure when it comes to Dan. I really don't feel I know where I stand with him anymore. We really need some time away to regain some perspective and remember why we chose each other. This is something important to do, time away, but there is no way to get it right now, and there is pretty much no hope of it in the even distant future. We can't even go out on a Friday night. Our situation won't let us. If we take time for us, we lose something. I believe this is the most worried I have been in regards to us ever.  I know that Dan has had a lot to deal with and that I am not the easiest person to love sometimes. Especially since I got sick, but I am still the same person I have always been, I'm just more open when it comes to standing up for what I feel and believe in. We are of opposite opinions in how to deal with so much now, which in the past has been a good thing, because we have been able to take our opinions and put them together and come up with "our" solutions. We have had unwavering support for each other, even in disagreement. I think that is where we are lacking now, and it's scary to feel unsupported. Not to mention that our outer support system seems to have left us. Although, Dan won't let it in, and I count on it, so it can't work like that.

Pressures in life are inevitable, but sometimes they are so great that we simply cannot handle them on our own. Also, just because things keep getting worse, doesn't necessarily mean we have done something to earn them. This is a huge deal with us right now. We have tried to be good people and do good and right things and feel somewhat unsure about why things are happening to us the way they are.  We need love and compassion and support in the fact that we are trying to make it through the best way we can. It seems though that much of the "support" we get is by letting us know of our faults. So the question is how we are supposed to keep a positive attitude if we are always doing everything wrong. Anyone have an idea on how to do that?  

I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately, asking for help and guidance. Sometimes to just get through the day. It does help. I am just aware that I can't do it all alone. That is what I feel now though. A lot of loneliness. Many offer to help in whatever way they can. I take the help where I feel I can, but want to keep what's left of my happy home as well, so I have to turn some of it away. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I hope that people understand. Now more than  many times in the past, I need friends and support. I know you're all there and I do appreciate it. It's what keeps me going. I hope this doesn't turn you away, that is not what I have meant to do. I just have to get it out sometimes.

~Christy

Sorry everyone. I changed the background and can't figure out how to change the font for the last post. Hope you can read it.

When Life Seems to Get Turned Upside Down

Prepare yourselves, it's bound to be a long one, sorry.
Around 23 years ago I was 14 years old and having a pretty hard time in life trying to figure out where I belonged and what my future held. Everyone has always told me that I think too much or analyze things too much, but it's who I am and always have been. I grew up, for the most part, in a household/family of adults. My nearest sibling either direction was 6 years younger than me. Process wise, I was always several years older than my real age. The reason I bring this up is because I'm pretty sure the thought that ran through the heads of most of you reading this was, "Why was she worrying so much about her future when she was 14?" I believe that I was being prepared for the life I was to have in the future. It was about this time that I met a boy. I really didn't like him much, as I thought he was sort of reckless. I was really good friends with a person who was also his friend. Then one night, this particular boy borrowed my sisters car and got in a car accident. I had teased and poked at him every time he returned with her car (he had taken it several times) this time was no different. The deal was "you wreck it you buy it" I happen to answer the phone when he called to tell my sister and brother-in-law what had happen. As usual, I teased him and the answer I got was a very quiet "could you please let me talk to either Marsha or Mike, it's important." At that point I realized this was not a joking matter and got Mike on the phone. So after everything was taken care of that night, I witnessed this "boy" telling my sister and her family that he would make things right, that he gave his word that if he wrecked it he would buy it, so he would buy it. I know that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was to me. He showed so much honesty and dignity as a 16 year old young man that I wanted to know more. Yes, he was pretty reckless, but all of a sudden that seemed like a very judgmental thing for me to hold against him. Recklessness doesn't have anything to do with a persons worth. As far as I know, I wasn't even on his radar and was probably somewhat of an irritation to him, we, through a crazy happening on New Year's Eve that year found ourselves at a church dance together. I believe that it was not really an accident that he wrecked the car, or that our friend got sick and went home from the dance. It's how we finally got together. Over the next year and a half, we would go through some pretty crazy things. Dan joined the Navy and went through boot camp, I had some pretty major health issues. We had school and all kinds of other things to deal with, but in the end the two of us came out of it together. We got married a little over 21 years ago. Putting that wedding together with the Navy to deal with and many other things was crazy, but we did it. That year and a half when we were 15 and 16 years old was the foundation for what our life together would rely on. Over the years that we have been married we have had some pretty tough things to get through, as does everyone, but we understand that we have each other to rely on.
The reason I tell this long story today is because we have come to a time in our life when this solid foundation seems like it has been beaten with a sledgehammer. We both know that when you have something that solid and sure that everything possible is going to try to shake it up. We moved to this street 12 years ago with 3 little kids and a hope for some stability. We were led here by a higher power. We know this. After having one more child and more life experiences, it became time to take a look ahead again and again we were led, or maybe I should say others were led to us. That's when our neighbor across the street came to us out of the blue one day and offered his house to us. It came together fairly easy and we moved across the street and about a year and a half later bought our house. Finally we were living the life we had dreamed about. After years of struggling with going to church and holding jobs (on my part) we were doing pretty well. Dan was the Young Men's president, I was doing various things, but we were very involved and feeling very much at home here. Things changed with callings and stuff and we just rolled with it. In 2004 Dan had throat surgery to remove a tumor. In 2005 we were impressed to bring Dan's parents here for a while. Still not sure of the reasons why, we did that and feel that we have done what is right. In October 2006 I had what was thought to be a stroke. This has been a constant struggle for 4 years. I can no longer work, and am very limited in everything. This changed everything for our entire family. Dan all of a sudden had the entire weight of taking care of the family on him. Now is when my thoughts go back to the 16 year old reckless boy. He has taken on extra jobs, taken on many of the household duties, while still working a full time job and for most of the time holding several fairly pressing church callings. Kyler was in the hospital clinging to life during this time, Megan was assaulted, Aubree was thought to have a brain tumor. It has been A LOT to get through. Dan still gets up every morning, even when he is so sick he can't move, and goes to work. Over the past couple of years, Dan has had a very hard time in regards to happenings in the world and the way in which the church has handled things. Confusion and doubt has crept in bit by bit. There are many things that I personally have wondered how certain reactions could be right and have had my own times of feeling like falling away, but have been able to see things differently. Not necessarily more correct, just different. As of the past few months, things have gotten so intense in this regard that Dan has experienced very serious judgment and in some cases plain meanness and slander by member of the church. I as well have been "pitied" by some that really have no idea of what's really going on. I am a strong person who has gone through some very hard things in my life. My husband is and has been the rock that is always there to sure me up. Remember my earlier statement about honesty and dignity? Well, Dan is a person that does what he feels to be best for him and his family and nothing or no one will stop him. He will stand firm even if it makes him look bad. This is where there are serious problems. I heard a quote the other day that sums things up in this regard, it is..."Things are so seldom the way they appear to be, that appearances really tell us very little about the people we meet." President Monson spoke of just this at womens conference a few days ago. This is where some of the confusion and doubt have come in. Many seem to pick and choose the doctrine they are going to follow. Many have no problem telling others what they should be doing without doing it themselves. We have been taught our entire lives that we should respect others feelings and free agency, yet it sometimes turns out that just the opposite happens. Everyone is different and has different ways of getting through life. EVERYONE! Everyone is a child of God. EVERYONE! Even if they are necessarily living the way we believe in. But most importantly, we should not make ourselves judges of how others should live, especially when we don't always know all of the facts and realities of their lives.
Dan has announced to me that he will not be returning to church. That he feels that if he does he is putting on a show to give me, our kids, and others a false sense of what he believes. He does not feel he should pretend that he is in agreement with the way some of the church leaders are doing things. That some of them are contradictory in their teachings from what the doctrine is. That many members of the church are taking these teachings to an extreme that is not good as well. This is no ones fault and no one elses problem. It is his personal feeling at this time. He believes in the doctrine of the church and has a strong testimony of it. He simply cannot be in agreement at this time with many of the ways this same doctrine is being taught. There are some leaders that have been wonderful to us and tried to help us through this time. They are wonderful friends and their love and support is very much appreciated and returned. I hope they know that this statement does not apply to them. This goes right back to the honesty and dignity I have mentioned so many times.

I love Dan, and he loves me and our children. I am still attending church with Dan's blessing. This is his decision and I will stand by him knowing that he would not do anything that would jeopardize our marriage or our family. He is still the same wonderful, compassionate, hard working, honest, good father, and all around good person he has always been. I hope that everyone will be able to understand this and not judge him for this, as no one really knows or understands his heart. I was given a blessing not long ago that I would have strength and know what was best for my good husband and my good family during this time. I know this is what is pulling me through and that I do have a GOOD HUSBAND and GOOD CHILDREN. I cannot express my appreciation for the love that was shown during that blessing. I hope that this post will prove to be something good and maybe an explanation of our feelings and that it will bring many of you closer to us and have the knowledge that we are still us and love and care for all of you the same as we always have. We need your love and support now. ~Christy

5 Months and uniforms

Jake in his football jersey

Aubree in full dress uniform

Kyler and Megan proudly showing school spirit in full dress uniforms

The family incognito (Not sure of the spelling)

Me, 5 months and somewhere near -75 pounds

Me again

I Believe

I believe that when church becomes more of an aggravation in your life than a blessing, it becomes time to step back, take a break, and evaluate where you are in life and where the forces are that drive you forward instead of pressing you back. I believe in God, the Eternal Father, in His Son Jesus Christ, and in The Holy Ghost. I believe that Joseph Smith saw God, and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I believe that the church is true, but that the people in it are flawed. I believe that church is not the place to push your political views and that people should not assume that just because someone belongs to the same religion, that they belong to the same political party and share the same political views. I believe that too many people decide to push their judgment on other people. I believe that in this area too many people look down upon people that are different from them and shun those have a different belief system. I believe that marriage as a legal institution is a civil right and should be inalienable. I believe that love should rule the world. I believe that everyone deserves love and respect no matter their station of life, situation, or hand they have been dealt, and I believe that church should be the place that the love and respect should be felt the most. I believe that the family is the building block of society where every child should feel safe and loved. I believe that a mother and a father raising children together in love and happiness is the ideal situation. I believe that life is rarely ideal. I believe that good families come in many different sizes, shapes, and make-ups. I believe that some in this nation are blaming an entire religion for the actions of a few of its zealots. I believe that art and beauty to one person is offensive trash to another, and both people are entitled to their opinions and have to right to state their opinion without judging another because of theirs. I believe that someday I may return to full activation in the church, but for now, I just need a break from the judgment, the prejudice and the political agenda from some of those I attempt to worship with.

Just a quick post to update a little over 4 months and 71 pounds. Still can't believe it's actually me. Thanks to all for the support.