So, time has been moving forward at what seems a record speed. While things seem to never change in many areas, it seems to be in a constant state of change in others.
Megan, Aubree, and Jake are all back in school now. It seems crazy to me that they are all in secondary schools and Megan is a senior. She will be 18 in 19 days. It has already been a shock to my heart/system to have Kyler 19 and an adult, now there will be 2 of them. Kyler really struggles in adulthood and is trying to figure it out, but has a lot fighting back at him. Megan seems to be easing into it fairly well. Hopefully she won't have quite as hard of time adjusting. She will have to spend her entire senior year in school, so I am hoping that might help.
Aubree is adjusting to high school. Seems to be doing OK. She has loaded herself up with a pretty hefty schedule, but if she can do it she will have herself in a very good position come graduation time. If all goes well, she will have at least an associates degree when she graduates high school. Since she wants to be a Psychology major, any step ahead will be helpful to her. We have every confidence in her, just hope it's not too much.
Jake is up to his eyes in football and figuring out junior high. Dan is the line coach for Jakes team this year. They seem to be having a lot of fun and Jake is increasing his abilities. He seems to really enjoy his German ( he is the class pet basically because Anna was his host sister last year and Mr Sigafus loves her. She was his TA) class and seems to be settling in pretty well. At least as well as 3 days can be.
I have been working the graveyard shift for a little over a month now. Honestly, I love this shift and the people I work with. Some days are hard as my body doesn't seem to want to adjust as well as I want it to, but it's coming along. I am just holding my breath until September 15th is past. That is when all of the cuts from the summer team happen. I hope not to be cut ;-)
Dan is enjoying only working one job. He still has his photography that takes up a lot of his time, but he is enjoying being able to choose whether he just stays home or he does something else. It is really nice having him around. Apparently I have turned into a big wuss/baby. I used to be at home with Dan gone for weeks at a time and after the Navy he has consistently had work or school taking up his time. I just miss him too much now when he's gone and can't seem to hold it together without him these days.
I am really having a rough time right now knowing that winter will be coming. I suffered through last winter quite badly and the thought of it again is literally painful and puts a lot of stress on my head. Between needing to get out of the cold and wanting to be somewhere else, I am constantly searching for some kind of change. I am hopeful to a point that this change will happen, but realistic in the sense that I have been let down too many times to let myself believe it will change. As I have plead with many over the past while for support, I have found a few, but they have their own lives and own problems to deal with and the others that think they're helping like to make me feel worse. Dan and I have made our decisions, and no amount of telling me how disappointed you are or how much this scares you for our or your own salvation is going to change our minds. This is precisely one of the reasons why we left. While many of the teachings in the church are good and right, sooo many people live in fear that if they mess up at all or anyone in their family messes up at all they will not ever be together in the eternities. The more I have pondered on this, the more it actually bothered me that people seem in many cases to live "righteously" because they are afraid, rather than because they know it's right or good. Knowing you will be together for eternity with those you love should be a peaceful, heartwarming thing, not something that scares you or makes you live in fear. It makes me sad to have to try and soothe the fears of those I love because they are worried that I won't make it to Heaven with the rest of them. I believe that the intentions of your heart and the good works are what you will be judged on, not the particular things you may have done in your life. As long as you have not hurt someone intentionally or taken away another persons life or right to express their free agency. There are throngs of people who are good people who believe in God, that aren't in the church. I can't fathom that none of those people will be with their families for eternity. BTW, the "misunderstanding" that people keep referring to things in regards to Dan and I is not and was not a misunderstanding. It was a judgment and one that people still will not accept responsibility for making. There is a galaxy sized difference between leaving the church and turning against or denying God. I have a firm belief/knowledge that there is a God and that all people are his children. I have never once tried to tell anyone or make anyone think otherwise. I have just chosen to worship him differently. This is exactly what I was talking about in the beginning of this. Making people live in fear to keep them "righteously" living. Isn't that a contradiction to what the church is supposed to be?
Anyway, I'm sorry I seem to have gone off on a tangent again. I really wish I could stop feeling like I need to explain myself. It really shouldn't be that way or matter, but it does to me as all I want is to be loved and accepted. But refuse to any longer be someone I don't like to be or live in fear of not being good enough, to achieve acceptance.
Thank you to those of you who still love and or care about us.
~Christy
3 comments:
*hugs*
I don't think I could handle working a graveyard shift. I'm not a day sleeper and they'd have to lock me up in pretty short order. lol Good luck on keeping the job.
Ed's brother and his would like to find a good retirement location in a couple of years and move there together. Time will tell where that might be.
Mormon culture is significantly different than the church/doctrine itself. It's much different outside of Utah.
Having lived outside of UT and inside and both outside and inside of the church in both places. I couldn't agree more, however, there is a point where the teachings of the church/doctrine are given according to who is teaching it and in the case of too many churchwide, this is a huge issue with me/us. So much of it is contradictory and just plain wrong. How can a church in which the doctrine is based on Christlike actions (ie, love, compassion, etc)be taught to be intolerant and judgmental? Whether is it the doctrine or not, teaching is the issue. Doesn't matter what the scriptures say if what our kids are taught is to hate or be scared of their neighbor or simply think they're bad because they aren't LDS. Problem is when this is pointed out, we are the ones who are reprimanded, etc. Doesn't matter how true the doctrine is if many of the people who are in it are not. I know this will spark a debate and all are free to have their own opinions, etc. We won't be changing our minds and have been subject to A LOT of persecution and other things which only fuels our beliefs and feelings. There is simply too much of do what I say and not as I do. We may be going against the proverbial grain, but we are at least doing the same things we are saying. Also, before anyone gets offended, I am not saying YOU, are one of these people. Just that there are a lot of them out there.
Getting out of UT is a main focus right now. Not even so much to get away from the church, but the mass amount of judgmental and seemingly hypocritical people here. Nowhere is perfect, but it is horribly bad here. My soul needs a new place where it can be free to be what it is.
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