Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Little Meltdown Moment

So, the last week has been quite a ride for me. I'm not sure how I am still standing most times. Too many life changes and hits keep coming all at once. I am sincerely trying to keep an upbeat and positive outlook on life, but I am failing miserably and I know it. My body knows it, my subconscious knows it, anyone who lives with or is around me very much knows it. It is not something I can simply think or smile my way out of. I am pretty much in a deep depression, brought on by major stress from life and physical stress I push myself through. I wish every minute of every day that things would change for the better, but through no lack of trying to make things change and not sitting back waiting, things have at very least stayed the same or gotten worse in some cases. 

As many know, the survival of the company I work for depends largely on sales made mostly in the summer. It is like 80 percent or something dependent on summer sales and is what pulls the company through the rest of the year. Therefore, the staff who creates the accounts is ramped up as well. I knew when I hired on the it was a summer position but was assured that I was almost guaranteed a job after the summer season. I do pretty well at my job. I have had mostly high 90's score cards and even a few 100's (which is very rare in my position) and I feel like I am fairly well liked by most I work with. Knowing the summer was coming to a close, I elected to try and transfer to a different dept to ensure a permanent position. I was successful in getting the transfer and went to 2 weeks of training for the new position. It was NOT a good fit for me and by sheer luck(and a loving husband), an email was forwarded to me about how there was a couple of positions back in the first dept, only working on the graveyard shift and working a lot with New Zealand.  This was something I had tried to get before with no luck, but figured I had a little more experience at this point but was afraid it wouldn't happen because I had just transferred. Luckily, the guy who was making the request to fill those spots likes me or something and was able to talk to the forces that be and I got to fill one of those spots. I was quite excited as this seemed much more permanent. I was wrong on the sure part though. I, with most of the rest of the department am still waiting for the confirmation that I will still have a job beyond Sept 15th. It looks promising and I am trying not to worry too much, but if I happen to not have a job it would be very bad for us. Dan, thinking I was safely in a permanent position, quit his job at Vivint, so it would put us out a lot. I can't say I like the way things are being handled in regards to this. There is entirely too much talk by some of the powers that be and not enough real information for those of us who are waiting to find out our fate. A LOT of hearsay though... So that's one part. Waiting to find out whether I still have a job or not.

Over the past few months, we have had many issues while trying to help Kyler become a responsible, independent adult, but also making him tow the line as a member of our home. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, but still has to respect our home and the people in it, which means letting us know when he would be home, etc. Things came to a head and I had to pretty much give an ultimatum that he was more than welcome to stay, but he had to respect the rules of our home and the people in it. He chose to move out. I am happy for him that he has chosen to move forward in his life, but really don't like the way in which it happened and really dislike that he feels we kicked him out or don't want him around. This is FAR from the truth and I hope he realizes it. I have had a bad feeling from the start of this and hope it's just me being a worry wart and that something bad isn't looming. Adjusting to having adult children is hard enough, when the added stress of them thinking you can't stand them is included it is heartbreaking.  At least to this mother...

Jake is back in football for the season. Dan is coaching on his team this year. It makes me happy, but sometimes it's hard having him gone every night again. I just got him back ;-) The girls are in school too and Megan is working. This proves complicated to try and keep things in order in the house. I am always exhausted and they are always busy and gone, so our house suffers. Then I get frustrated and try to do it all and my health suffers so it just goes around and around in that vicious circle. I seem to be pushing it a lot with my health, I simply can't stand not being able to do things I feel I need to be doing. Problem is that at a certain point, my body lets me know I'm done by pretty much shutting down or at very least puts me in enough pain I can't go on. Some times stubbornness and sheer will doesn't win ;-) I pretty much live in fear of which day I'm just not going to be able to get out of bed. Some days, like today, I am extremely slow, but so far I have managed to get out of my bed. 

Someone posted this next little thing on Facebook the other day and I found it to be so much of what I have been trying to be and say and it really hit me how true it is. Please read it and understand me in the process...

It is so important to remember this.

This is one of the other major things that has been bringing me down lately. Well, for actually quite some time now. It is a horrible feeling to be in a room full of people and feel completely alone and to know that the majority of those who are there and would normally talk to me don't dare now because they think I am a different person. I am no different than I ever have been when it comes to others. The things that have changed are mine and mine alone and haven't changed who I am, they have changed how I do things and how I feel about some things. My heart is still the same, although it is broken and dented and scarred, so I sometimes have to be cautious in order to not let it be hurt anymore. I still love and care about others. I would still do anything I could to help someone in need. I would still be a good friend with a listening ear, although I don't seem to have any who come to me anymore. I haven't treated anyone badly. All of this has come from me making choices for myself that others don't agree with. It hurts to be me now. I have a firm belief that when I face the judgement, I will be able to say that I am not now and have never been perfect, but I did show love and kindness to everyone, regardless of any differences, that I believe there is some good in everyone, even if it's hard to find. 

The other night I almost accidentally stepped behind a moving car. Someone caught my attention or it could have been bad, but almost the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life was the thought I had immediately after this. That was that I really felt like if I had not been alerted and the worst happened, who would really miss me? Would a huge burden on the parts of many be lifted? It's hard to come to the reality that you are a burden on people and that they could have a much easier life if you weren't there. Now before everyone goes of and thinks I'm contemplating something, I'm not, this has not been the case and isn't now. It is a really discouraging feeling when one feels like they are a burden. 

Between all of these things and several others. I am simply physically and emotionally exhausted and some days (a  lot lately) It is just too much and all I have ever asked for is love and support. Which is what I strive to give in return, sometimes to my own detriment. 

Hope all of you are well...


No comments: