OK, so I have really been trying lately to be more positive and upbeat. Today is just not one of those days, sorry. It just seems like whenever I feel like things are going to get better, I have to be sent back to reality. Reality being that something new or a continuation of the old crap is happening. Almost as if whenever I might seem happy or settled, that we can't have that. I must be stressed to the limit. Like it's a law or something.
So for the past while, I have been thinking about what my/our reasons are for being here. When I was a young girl, I thought it was that I was supposed to go places and help people with my musical talent. I was accompanying something or performing in something constantly as a girl and early teen. One day, I just didn't have the desire to do this anymore. I wanted my talents to be for me, not for everyone else. I still try to use my talents to help people, but nothing like before. I don't know if this happened because I had fulfilled this part of my destiny or whether I stopped short of it. Then I thought that to fulfill my destiny was to be a wife and mother. Well, I am still both of those. I think for the most part I do a good job as a wife; although, since I have been sick, Dan has had to take on so many of the things I would normally do that I feel I have been robbed of having the chance to fulfill this part of it the way I feel I should. I feel like I was doing a pretty good job of helping out financially, domestically, and emotionally before, but now it is as if I am the cause of the downfall of these things. As far as being a mother... Well, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at one point a few years ago. Now I pretty much feel like I am just that lady who is only around to make their lives miserable. I used to go places and do things with my kids. Now it's just too much for me to simply go shopping or something. I have been told so many times that I never do anything and all I do is sit and make them work. They never get to do anything fun, etc. One of my children actually tells me I get mad at them only, no one else. Tonight I couldn't even get any ones attention to help me do dinner. One child doesn't thing they need to ask me anything, that I'll just have to deal with whatever is going on. One child has taken on so much responsibility since I got sick that now they think they are the parent. The other just thinks no one likes them. What does this say about the state of my home and family. I am supposed to be the glue that holds us together. How am I supposed to be the glue? I can't even hold myself together. I feel like I am failing miserably at this part of my life. This can't possibly be how it's supposed to be. Poor Dan is doing everything he can. He has to go to work and stuff. How did my house get so out of order? How did I become so obsolete?
My wish is that I hope to be able to continue on and fulfill this part of my life. That part of being a wife and mother. The way I should and want to. I don't know if this wish will ever come true, but I sure do hope so. I love my family too much to not try.
~Christy
3 comments:
Christy, You dont know me but I kind of know you by the entry on your blog I just read. I have been where you are. I raised three boys, two little brother-in-laws and eighteen or so of their friends. at least thats how it felt. Welcome to the world of Mothering teenage and pre-teen children while trying to survive your own health crisis. Belive me when I tell you that in spite of how you are feeling today your children Love you. and there is a better moment on the horizon. the only thing we can do when we get to feeling worthless is to pray in whatever fashion we can and ask for strength it will come, sometimes in the seemingly strangest ways possible. There is also something that was suggested to me that might help you also. I believe in a Father in heaven and with that comes my belief that if I have a father I must have a Mother and so I wrote a letter to myself from her as if I were the Mother writing to my daughter who I knew was having all these problems and I counciled with her and gave her all the incouragement that I could. I also told her of my love and pride in her and in the courage she showed in the way she was handling her trials and in the joy she brought to my heart. I know this may sound silly but I wrote this to my daughter and soon I forgot it was to me I just wrote it as if I were the Mother and I sent it to myself. I still have days where I need to pull out that letter from my Mother but they have finally gotten to be few and far between. This letter has got nothing to do with the wonderful mother I have here but sometimes you need a Mom that isn't right in the middle of the frey. My Mom had to even move in next door to help care for me and shes almost 80. I really do understand feeling like a failure. Keep heart and courage Sister and know you are not alone. E mail me if you would like. You don't need to post this I just needed to write it to you, you sounded so tired and I hope it gives some measure of help. I found your blog thru my Sisters blog "Wendsdays child".
Thank you whoever you are. I really appreciate your advice. I am sinking here.
I am Buddy's biological great aunt. I am so happy he is with your sister and her husband. He is doing so well.They are wonderful people.
I'm not sure what just happened but I'm not Aubree. She's my daughter.
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