Since I was a little girl, Christmas was the greatest, most fun time of the year. I always had a blast helping put up decorations and decorating the tree. There were parties and just general "good cheer" all around. For about the last I'd say about 10 years, I have not seemed to be able to have the same "happy" feelings as before. Now I know that as we grow older and more mature (I know I'm getting older, not sure about the other yet) that we change roles and it's about making our kids and others feel those happy feelings. This is where I start to feel very inadequate. I no longer have the physical or emotional ability to deal with many of the things that go along with this. I'm not fond of shopping, can't cook very much, (I used to be the hostess all of the time), and my kids and Dan have to hang the decorations. Even wrapping presents becomes a literal painful experience. My poor Megan has had to take on WAY more than any 14 year old should have to. I really want to have those feelings back. I can't teach my family how they should be feeling at Christmas if I can't put myself there.
This time of year has become very scary for me. Not only is it a time of year that I become physically unstable on my feet, even more than usual, but it is the time of year that I have had a relapse of the original "strokelike" event. At least for the last 3 years. I know that the weather is a huge part of this, but I have paid very close attention to life happenings since this happened to me, and have decided much of it is that it is the time of year where I try to be most normal. I want to be involved in things like I have been in the past. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to be involved, if not, I would probably go crazy or die. But after I had been singing at some event 4 nights out of 7 like last week, that this is a huge part of my neck and head pain. I love to sing. I do it anyway and then pay the price later. Also, it is a really hard reality for me to not be able to play the piano the way I know I have been able to in the past. I appreciate those who are believing in me and asking me to play. It makes me feel much more a part of things, even though I know I can't give them the best that I have known I could before. My fingers and arm swell after doing pretty much nothing, so therefore not only is my coordination while playing off, my fingers don't move like they should.
I wish I had a picture of our Christmas tree this year. I don't remember EVER having a tree as loaded with presents as this one. We finally had the financial means to give our kids a very good Christmas. We have probably gone way overboard, but we have never had one like this before, and probably will never again. The idea behind it is to have at least this year that our kids will remember. They have gone without a lot in the past. Not that things are what's important, but they are a little. We have encouraged our kids to do service projects, especially at Christmas, every year, this year included. We hope that it will instill at least a little bit the reason for the season. Jake was sick during the first major snow storm this year and it was really hard for him to not be able to shovel all of the neighborhood driveways. I don't know why, but this year it has seemed to be really hard to find opportunities. Wonder if we are not looking in the right places. It just seems like much of the world has become very ornery and bitter. It's very hard not to fall in to this. We were at the store the other day and all 4 kids had done their shopping, with their own money and when we left they all wanted to put their change in the Salvation Army bucket. It was a proud moment, until I heard some one say, why would that mom let her child go all the way back there just to put in a quarter? To my 8 year old son, that quarter was a sacrifice for some one else. Why would some one want to diminish that feeling he was having of helping some one he didn't know with what he had to give. I don't think he heard it, at least I hope not. I guess maybe I am having a depression spell, but I was proud of my kids for that moment, and proud of Dan and I for doing something right in teaching them. I don't feel adequate to my job very often anymore.
Well, I'm sorry that this has been a pretty sad post, filled with sorrow. I long for the old days of people remembering what Christmas is all about. My wish for all of you is that you have a very wonderful Christmas with family and friends and loved ones. May we all find that inner child at this time of year !
Love to you all- Christy
If it doesn't work by clicking on it, copy and paste in to your address box. Very good things to remember at this time of year.
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