Arches, Goblin Valley

I am writing this just for a record of what we did last weekend.  I have a hard time remembering anything, and an account with some great pictures helps.  On Friday, Jake, Sam(the dog) and I went to the Grotto in Payson Canyon, we let the dog run and got some good shots.  Sam loved it, he does not get off the leash very often and he even got to chase some cows. 

Saturday Rick and LoReen took us out on their boat.  It has been years since we have done this, we used to go all the time.  We really appreciate them taking the time to take us out on the lake.  We slathered on sunscreen, grabbed some water, a few snacks and the camera, and headed off to the lake.  Unfortunately, Megan had to work and could not go.  Kyler got up on the wakeboard, Jake and Aubree tried, but did not quite make it.  I got bounced around on the tube, and so did everyone else.  We had a lot of fun and all came home burnt.  

Sunday morning Kyler, Aubree, Jake and myself headed out for Moab.  I have been to Moab before, with the scouts on a Colorado river trip, but none of the kids have ever been.  We drove down Sunday morning, leaving early after Christy made us breakfast.  We got to the campground at 10:00 and checked in to make sure that we had a place to lay our heads that night.  The campground was nice – had some tepees and an old church there.  We did not set up the tent because we did not want it to get blown away, we just got back in the car and headed to the park.  After paying our entrance fee, we went to the visitors center to check out the area and plan our day.   

We decided to start in the windows area of the park, and we headed off.  When we got to the first stop, I was very disappointed.  There was no parking, and there were tour buses everywhere.  I parked in an illegal space, slathered us all in sunscreen, grabbed the camera and some water and started up to the arches.  The first few times we came up on tourists, we tried to stay out of the way of those trying to shoot a picture, but we decided that was impossible due to the sheer number of cameras, so we just decided to head up to the arches and they would just have to shoot around us.  I am wondering how many of them will get home and wonder who the big guy is in the fluorescent green Vivint shirt is.   We stopped at the first arch, took some pictures of our own, had some people request that we take their pictures, and then headed off to the second arch. There were just a few people at the second arch, because the trail ended before the arch and most people did not walk down to it.  We got some great shots of the kids and that arch.  I was glad that Christy was not with me at that point as Jake kept climbing up the rocks and then finding interesting ways to get down.  We walked to the third arch (Turret Arch) and dodged tourists to get some shots in there.  

We were going to walk over to the double arch, but there were just too many people.  We decided that it was hot and that we wanted to go back to the pool at the campground to cool off.  We stopped in Moab and got some ice cream, gas and more sunscreen.  We got to the campground and someone was in our spot, so they moved us to another spot.  We ate lunch, got changed and got in the pool.  This pool is just a little smaller than the pools you can buy at Wal-Mart for your back yard.  It is an in-ground pool, but it is only four feet deep, about 10 feet long and six feet wide.  It was cool though.  Just what we were looking for at that time of day.  

We played there for a while and then went back to Arches National Park.  We again stopped at the visitors center and this time, I let the kids get a few souvenirs.   We drove to the parking lot at the trail head to the Delicate Arch, slathered on sunscreen, grabbed some water, some snacks and the camera, and off we went.  Kyler and Jake wore sports shorts with no pockets, and I made the mistake of wearing cargo shorts.  My pockets were full of snacks and water, and I was carrying the backpack with my camera, tripod and more water and snacks.  There was a younger girl in the car next to us that was wearing some bright orange shorts.  She started out at the same time we did, and I would gauge how slow I was going by how far ahead of us she was on the trail.  I was slow-going, over hills and rock and around a cliff, but we finally made it.  

The arch is really cool.  Not like I imagined it though.  There are drop offs all around, and you can’t approach it from the front side, you have to walk around the rock to get to it.  We took a lot of pictures and just spent time hanging out at the arch. 

 This is a major accomplishment for me.  I had knee surgery three weeks ago and gastric bypass surgery the week before that.  I had cortisone injections in both my knee and my foot days before leaving on the trip.  I am so glad that that we were able to go.  This trip had been planned for the exchange student to go on, but she left a few days before, and we decided to go anyway.  So glad that we did that.  After hanging out at the arch, we headed back down the mountain and back to the campground.  Kyler and I started the charcoal and Jake and Aubree went back to the pool.  We had prepared our tin-foil dinners that morning using vegetables out of the garden and some other stuff, so I put them on the grill and hung out and watched them cook.  There was a group of rowdy boys at the pool so I waited to go.  The dinners turned out perfect.  They were done, but not overcooked.   We ate and the boys left the pool, so Jake and I went back to the pool and Kyler and Aubree showered.  I had a hard time sleeping because I always have a hard time sleeping at camp, so as soon as the sun came up, I showered and took a few pictures of the sunrise.  The thermometer said it was 80 degrees as the sun was coming up.  

None of us slept in our sleeping bags, we all slept on top of them.   We got everything packed up and headed to Goblin Valley.  We had originally planned to hike some slot canyons in the area, but the heat had tired us and the blister on my right foot told me that it did not want to go.  When we got there, we slathered on sunscreen, grabbed some water, a few snacks and the camera, and headed off down into the valley.  We walked further back into the formations than I had ever gone before.  We found some really amazing formations that look like mud castles. 

Jake and Aubree climbed and Kyler and I watched.  We took a lot of pictures and had a good time.  Jake hurt his back when climbing down one of the formations, by he walked it off and was ok.  We pilled back into the Tahoe and started back to Orem.  Last time we were at Goblin Valley, my keys got locked in the car and a locksmith had to come rescue us, I did not let the keys out of my sight at any time during this adventure.  We made it home alive, and I slept very well that night.  We decided to go to the waterpark on Tuesday, and invited Sam and Lizzie to go with us.  We also took our neighbors.  We got there and found Travis and Jessica and their family.  We slathered everyone with sunscreen and had fun. 

Jake still ended up with a bad, blistering sunburn and the rest of us burnt as well.  But the fun was worth it.  Had to go back to work on Wednesday, but had such a great time over the weekend.  We all felt terrible because Meg had to work and did not get to do any of the fun stuff.  Her and Christy got to hang out on Sunday and Monday by themselves.  We are planning a return trip to Arches in November when it is cooler and when Rick and LoReen and Megan can go with us.

Back to This Place Once Again

Over the past several months I have been trying to see things in a different light. Hoping that life would take a turn for the better. To be completely honest, it did, for a while. Problem is that after a while everything went back to the same old thing, at least in many areas. I want all to know that I have put a lot of effort in to being hopeful and thinking positively. It does help, but when many others around me aren't changing and adjusting as well, it doesn't go anywhere.

I made a comment in Relief Society a few weeks ago about how a person becomes what they are consistently told they are.  A person can try to be happy and hopeful, but if the only reaction and comments they get from those around them are telling them they're hard to be around and completely negative, well, they become that. I know that I have struggled with this and that's what I said. The worst thing a person can say or do to me when I am already struggling to be happy and hopeful is to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job. I had many after that meeting come to me and tell me thank you for making that comment. That they didn't realize that this is what they were doing. I understand that, but felt it had to be said. I will admit that most of the adults that have been an issue in regards to Dan and I and our family have been much less judgmental and a lot more friendly to us over the past while. I so wish that was enough to help their children be this way. I have 4 kids who do not want to participate in any church activities or church itself. They have really tried to not let things bother them and participate and feel a part of things. Problem is that with a few people, it has gotten A LOT worse. Megan finally got a job after looking for a year and has to work most Sunday's. She has gotten so much negative backlash for this from her peers. Usually from those that don't have nor need a job, but that feel they should be telling her she is falling away from the path because she is being a responsible person and holding a job. This is no ones business but ours and Megan's. The thing is, why do others feel they need to watch and analyze and pick apart our family's flaws? Or what they think are flaws? It is a fight every Sunday. One that I won't continue to have. My kids are responsible, confident, independent people and they have free agency just like anyone else. Both of our daughters have expressed that they don't even want to go to camp next year if certain people are there. There are just a couple of girls that feel they are in charge, and take charge of everyone and have pretty much honed in on our girls for several years now. Why should everyone have to adjust to one or two? Shouldn't it be the other way around? 

Aubree is a free spirit. She has been babysitting this summer and earning some money for herself. She chose to have her ears pierced a second time and have her hair colored. I will admit that her hair is a little on the interesting side, but I did it! I colored it. She did it all with our permission. Honestly, she could be doing much worse things. These couple of things are trivial and don't really mean anything in the scheme of things, but to a few of her peers in church, this makes her a heathen that is going straight down a bad path and they will not be around her for fear that her badness will rub off on them. They have lectured and humiliated her so much that she doesn't want to even be around them. Again, this isn't concern, this is judgment. It isn't anyone elses business and they need to leave her alone. 

All of Jake's friends his age have moved. He also gets in trouble at church when he goes. He uses his ipod he got for his birthday for his scriptures and his peers, the only ones around, take exception to this and let him know he shouldn't have an ipod at church. These are 10, 11, and 12 year old kids!! COME ON!!!! First of all, there are more iPads and kindles at church than regular scriptures. It just shows how much people are honing in on our family and thinking they need to "SAVE" us. We are not heathens, we are just people who live in the world and accept people and situations for who they are instead of trying to "FIX" everyone. In fact, our girls got hassled at camp this year for the same thing people have been hassling all of us about for years now. Something they didn't even have anything to do with and that people have it all wrong about anyway! 

I will not be enforcing a go to church rule at this house any longer. I haven't really for a long time, but now, I most Sundays have a hard time making myself go. Can't make other people, and that's what they are, do something I am not sure I want to do. I have so many questions and frustration regarding church again. I can't understand how so many can preach (and I do mean preach, sometimes to a ridiculous level that makes me want to puke) one thing and do exactly the opposite. I know the Gospel is true, but can't wade through all of the other junk I have to to be able to go and participate and worship. Always something in complete contradiction. Dan has felt this way for a very long time and it has taken me a long time to understand how I feel, but I agree with him. Maybe at least now when people think our family are heathens who are lost they will at least be partially correct. We have a very large group of people who really do love us and care about us and think we are good loving people. It is an eclectic group that many here don't accept, but that is exactly the purpose for feeling this way so much now. Just because a person chooses a different way than you doesn't mean they are bad.Some of our best friends and family are gay. Some are not married and having kids, some are artistic models, the list goes on. The point is, they are the ones that have shown more Christlike actions than the majority of those who claim to be living this way. When Dan was in the hospital having his surgery, it was a friend who was in the middle of a divorce with interesting happenings, and a model than Dan has shot quite a bit that took care of our family. We didn't even gt a phone call from anyone around our neighborhood or ward. That's not true, Will and Bro. Wengreen came over and offered a blessing for Dan. Problem is that while Dan loves them for coming, he just wasn't in the frame of mind to accept it. That is it though. Nothing else. We have friends that are a gay couple who live not far from here that check in on us regularly just to make sure we are doing well. These are Christlike actions. 

We recently had a horrible experience with an exchange student. We are new to this, and felt we were very prepared for this situation. I guess we should have studied more about the French culture. I will just say that I don't have a very nice opinion of french teenagers. This has really hurt our family, but we are looking forward with faith and hope to the next person coming. Her name is Anna and she is from Germany. We have formed a friendship with her parents and with her and feel she will be a good fit in our family for the next 10 months. She seems like a very nice young lady who is down to earth and loving. We are excited to meet her. 

We keep trying to see hope for the future. It gets harder and harder as things unfold and life happens. We just tonight got some stressful news. I will share more later about that. 

Thanks for reading, sorry it's not a happy post again. Just need to get it out there so I know I've done what needs to be and then when people want to talk behind my back and think they know what's going on, I know what I have said. I know I have given no chance for misunderstanding. 

~Christy

The Long Awaited Day Has Arrived

I am writing this post as I sit in the waiting room at LDS hospital for Dan to get out of surgery. We have waited for this day to arrive for an entire year now. A few months/weeks ago we weren't even sure if it ever would. Thankfully it did and Dan is now in the process of having a life changing surgery. I can't even begin to explain how much this will change his life for the better. It's a hard road to try so hard to lose weight and not be able to no matter what you do. I have been so excited for him since we got the approval for this. It's so exciting to think that our kids and I are going to get back the husband and father that Dan "wants" to be. He wants to go hiking and to the amusement parks and stuff with his kids and now he will be able to do it. 

Here are a couple of pics from earlier today.

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot else to say about this right now. Hopefully I will tomorrow. 

Since I last posted, Kyler graduated from 4 years of seminary and passed his GED test on the first shot 113% above average. We are very proud of him. Now we are in the process of securing financial aid and getting him enrolled in college. 

The other 3 kids finished their school year. Megan will now be a Junior and Aubree a Freshman, with Jake in the 6th grade. We chose to pull the girls out of Maeser and put them in their assigned schools. It was a long hard decision, because we love Maeser's method of teaching and SOOO many people there, but some of the decisions made by the board over the past year were just not things we could agree with. Plus, we are hosting exchange students this year. One for 3 weeks in July. Her name is Ambre Thevenon and she is from France. The the other one is Anna Bahss, and she is from Germany. She will be with us for the entire next school year. She could not go to Maeser and has to go to Timpanogos. We think that having Megan there will be good for both of them. They have similar interests, and we think they will be in the same grade. 

We also got a kitten about a month ago. Her name is Speedy Gonzales Hansen.  

She lives up to her name. She is everywhere. She is so cute though and very loving. We just had her fixed this past Saturday. She wasn't happy about it, but is doing well. 

Rebecca is not living with us anymore. She is with her dad. We all feel this is best at this time. We are taking care of her dog Tazz until she can take him. Sometimes life just takes a turn you don't want or expect, but turns out for the best. We wish her good luck and hope she knows we love her. 

I think that is about it for now. I'll try to update later. 

~Christy

My How Things Can Change In a Few Weeks Time

Since I last posted, there has been quite a lot of change go on here. We do not have dull moments, there is always something happening. I guess this is our cross to bear. I am going to attach an article at the end of this post that is a subject I have written about on here many times and spoken of A LOT!! Dan posted it on Facebook this morning and it made me cry. Very close to my heart. 

So, one Sunday a little over a month ago I was lying in bed with a headache and no intent or desire to go to church (refer to the previous posts) when Jake came in and said "Mom, get up! We need to go to church today!" I said I had a headache and wasn't going to go. He left for a bit, but then came back about 20 minutes later, "MOM! Get up! It's time to go, we need to go!" I was sort of ticked by then. I told him to leave me alone and that I was going back to sleep and my head hurt. He walked away and then came back yet again! "MOM!!!!" By then I was mad. I told him to leave me alone! He walked away discouraged and as I laid there it dawned on me that there must be a reason he was so determined to go this day. At this point I rolled out of bed and told him to get dressed and I got dressed and we left. I very grudgingly sat in the bench. It was Ward Conference that day. I didn't smile, nor speak to anyone. We were late. It wasn't long before I realized what the reason was for being there. The talks that were given that day were ones that if I hadn't heard with my own ears I would have not believed were given. They were pretty much exactly what I had been hoping, begging, and wondering if ever would be given. They were about loving everyone and worrying about yourselves and what you can make better, not what you can tell others to do better. I asked Jake why he was so sure about going that day. He said he didn't know other than he just felt like it was important. This is the second time Jake has been prompted to hold his family together. I often wonder what he is destined to be. He is very much in tune with the Spirit. I have been every Sunday since. I am still wary and have a hard time trusting people, but I am trying. Things seem to be different and I am sure there have been changes made. Just still not feeling totally comfortable. I hope it will come in time. 

Aubree's very best friend has been a victim of some pretty serious bullying. As has Aubree, but the friend and her family have really been treated bad. This happening was so bad that her friend had to be pulled from school and transferred for her protection. In one months time, Aubree lost cheer and her best friend at school. They are still besties, but no longer have each other for support as far as school. This has been hard on Aubree, but she is making it though. There were a couple of hard days in the last few weeks, but she is doing better now. 

So, we have been dealing with car issues for at least a month. We lost every car we had in a few months time. They all just died. It made us feel a little cursed. We take care of our vehicles, but they just died. In all honesty, they were old and paid their dues. We went a month or so with Kyler's car, my dad's 73 truck, and Jim's truck. My dad's truck does pretty well for being almost 40 years old, but I think it uses like 6 gallons to the mile...LOL! It was what we had though and we appreciate having it when we needed it. Right after we got my dad's truck, the fuel pump went out while Dan was driving it. Kylers car won't go in reverse, but it's still drivable, and we were driving Jim's truck the other day and the clutch went out. See what I mean about a curse? That's just the borrowed cars. Not even what happened with ours! Anyway, we talked for a while and decided we had to figure out how to get a newer car. It took some very creative financing and a lot of nerves about the payments, but we did get a "new to us" vehicle. We love it. It is what we have wanted and were even able to get a warranty. At least now we have peace of mind when it comes to our vehicle. Here is a picture. 

It is a 2005 Tahoe. Three seats and everything. SOOOO nice. I'm just happy I didn't have to go back to a minivan. We've had it a week today. LOVE IT!!!

So now we come to the happenings of this week. Not only are we still waiting on an approval for something very important for Dan, My dad had a procedure on Monday and then Tuesday was my mom's 75th birthday. My dad had surgery on Thursday and Thursday was also my brother in law's 60th birthday. We had a surprise party for him. In the midst of all of this, we got some news from Kyler's special ed teachers that made us have to make some big decisions. We finally came to the conclusion that he would never make it to graduation. He simply had too much to make up and still keep up with current stuff. He has done a pretty good job with what he has to deal with, but it became clear that it was just too much. We decided to withdraw him from school and have him take the equivalency test. This is very close to the same as a high school graduate now and it works out much better for him. He will be 18 a week from today and will be able to start out his adulthood with a clean slate and nothing dragging behind him from the past. We have already gotten things set up for this and feel good about it. We are told he should be able to pass the test just fine. He will be working and moving on with life. It was very sad saying goodbye yesterday. All of the faculty and staff at the school were very supportive and love him and sent him off with good wishes. We are hoping things keep working out for him. He is a good person who is just trying very hard to find his way. However unique that way may be. We are sad, but are proud of him for deciding to move forward. All we ask is that everyone please give him encouragement and support while he makes this transition into adulthood. Not easy without any challenges, imagine what he is dealing with. Love and support from friends and family are the best thing for him and all of us right now. Also very much appreciated. 

Well, I think this is it for now. I'm sure I will have more to say soon. Here is the article I spoke of earlier. We love Kirby, he says those things that need to be said but no one dares say. This article is very close to my heart. I cried while reading it and hope it sends a message to many who need to hear it.  Thank you to all who still love and support us. 

Kirby: We all have crosses to bear. Don’t lose sight of your own

By Robert Kirby

The Salt Lake Tribune

First published Mar 23 2012 02:26PM
Updated Mar 23, 2012 07:54PM

For the record, I take several medications for assorted mental health issues. I’ve taken them off and on for the past 30 years.

I have no idea what these drugs do for me. I have noticed the effect they have on other people, though. When I take my meds, they seem to become less annoying. Odd how that works.

I’ve come to terms with my condition. I’m not even all that embarrassed by it. It’s just the cross I drag through life.

Fortunately, I’ve had the support of some patient and loving people.

Wasn’t always that way. I used to think my condition was entirely my fault, that it wasn’t a physiological problem like bad eyesight or a missing limb.

Because the problem has no obvious physical manifestation, it makes it difficult for other people to understand it and make allowances.

It’s easy to tell when someone is missing a leg. It isn’t there. And you can’t pretend it is no matter how optimistically giddy you are about it. It’s a bit harder to do that with psychological issues.

I do what I can to make my situation better. In addition to remembering to take my meds, I’ve learned several work-arounds that help me avoid dragging my cross into a no-win situation.

For example, I don’t do well in overly regimented environments. Those tend to be filled with people for whom rules and obedience are the solutions to just about everything.

So I avoid them. And I don’t blame myself (anymore) for doing that.

Like a guy with no legs, I don’t simply assume that a positive mental attitude will make me an NFL quarterback. And neither will prayer.

Recently, one of my friends told me that his missionary son had been counseled to cope with his severe depression by praying more. The Lord would help him through it. Medication was OK if you needed that sort of thing, but wasn’t the Lord the best doctor?

This is great logic if you’re not similarly afflicted. Hey, it’s amazingly easy to think up possible solutions when you don’t understand the actual problem.

Nobody would think of telling someone with no legs to just pray for new ones. Maybe that’s why you never read of Jesus in the New Testament saying, "Stupid lepers. Just pray and be more obedient."

The scary part is that my friend’s son Mike will drag home a load of self-loathing if his depression worsens and he can’t finish his mission. He’ll come back believing that he’s spiritually defective rather than just biologically challenged.

It won’t be his fault, but lots of people won’t let him think that.

After all, there’s nothing really wrong with him other than he won’t run fast enough to keep up with God and the rest of us. Right?

Personal trials are an inescapable part of life. They’re also relative to the individual. Different people, different crosses.

Nobody drags theirs the same way.

Sometimes the burden is obvious to everyone, including the person doing the lugging. Other times the cross is far less identifiable, not only to the owner but everyone remotely connected to it.

Mental health issues can be tough to figure out, especially in highly judgmental environments where appearances are enormously important.

Mike’s cross is severe depression. Your cross might be that you’re too dogmatic and ignorant to recognize it. You can’t help someone with their burden if your own keeps getting in the way.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/notpatbagley.

Setting the Record Straight - Warning, it's a long one ;-)

I have decided that it is time to explain some things and set the record straight so that I don't have to keep explaining to every individual person why I have done the things I have done and why my family feels the way they do. I was going to go to testimony meeting and do this, but my wise husband convinced me that it would be a bad idea and make things worse. I listened to his counsel but feel I need to do it this way. He said to tell everyone hello, so I think I have his approval. He knows how much this situation has consumed me and broken my heart and that I am doing everything I can to make things right.  I hope that by doing this it will put all of the rumors and gossip and assumptions to rest. All of that is toxic and no one should be doing it anyway, but the reality is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, does it even when they don't necessarily mean to be doing it. Anyway, here goes.  

A lot of this started way before it got really bad. A few years ago Dan was the High Priest Group Leader and was working 3 jobs and I had just been through some very bad health problems that have never gone away. Our son was diagnosed with tourettes and a few other things and had a severe reaction to meds they put him on and almost died. Our daughter was assaulted and a few other scary things happened. Anyway, Dan had asked to be released from his calling as the HPGL several times because he didn't feel like he could do it the way it needed to be done. This fell on deaf ears for a long time.  When he spoke to the stake leader he was told he needed to do more. There were people undermining him and what he was trying to do to make things better and he was trying to deal with things as best he could, but when it finally came down to it, he was really having a hard time because no one would listen to his pleas for help. He just kept getting told he needed to try harder and just deal with things. I mean, he had a lot of things going on at home he was handling and trying to do his calling and work, etc. No one would listen. How was having more faith and trying harder (he couldn't have tried any harder) going to help? When the Bishop finally changed, he listened to Dan and helped to get him released. The problem is that while this was wonderful that he did this, it was too late, some pretty big damage had already been done. During this time, was when all of the Prop 8 stuff was going on. Dan has ALWAYS, and never said or done anything different, been a person who doesn't live or teach this lifestyle, but will not tell another person that they can't choose for themselves. He believes EVERYONE has the right to choose for themselves how they live and what they do. He is able to look past what they do and see the person and what is good in them. This to both of us is a fundamental part of the Gospel. Everyone is a child of God. However, he has a sister who is married to another woman and we have several gay friends and family and the very bold unsolicited counsel we have gotten has been pretty much that he needs to shun people who live this way, and if he doesn't, he supports it. There is a difference between supporting a person and supporting their way of life. This is his sister, he shouldn't have to shun her in order to have a good standing in the church. If this was just one or two people, it would be one thing. It has been the majority and a majority of time people in leadership. Our understanding of the Gospel is that we are to love others and not judge and realize that everyone has a right to choose their own way. We have many gay friends, some who are or were members of the church, that are living the Gospel, except in this area, much more clearly than many of the active members we know. This is a huge deal in our home. It is in our family and we have taught our kids tolerance and love for all. Much to the dismay of many who actually keep their kids away from our kids and us because of it. So much for loving your neighbor huh?

Kyler is a unique individual who has a lot of issues and we know that sometimes he is simply hard to be around or understood. His experience through his life and especially teenage years has been one of his peers at school and church treating him as if he was an alien who was out to get everyone. Very few have tried to understand, and when it came to 16-17 year old boys actually throwing rocks and dirt at him he finally said enough is enough. He has a sickness. Just because you can't see it by looking at him doesn't mean he is faking it or that he should be treated like dirt. He has had a very hard life. He has been able to for the most part get past these things, but maybe the rock throwing and things like that have stopped, but he is still shunned by most of the people his age. How is he supposed to understand that it is a Gospel of love when he has never gotten any? He can't change what is wrong with him and sometimes he uses it, but parents and others making excuses for their kids actions aren't acceptable either. He is no different than the other boy in the ward who had a sickness. There is nothing he could do to change it, and neither can Kyler. But the treatment the other boy got and still gets is much different that what Kyler gets. Believe me, some days I can barely get through with him and what he says and does. But I have to remember that in most cases, he can't help it and I understand and know his heart. He is a good, loving person. All it takes to know it for yourself is a little understanding and sincerely trying.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the church's standing on politics is that we are to educate ourselves on the issues and vote how we feel is best. Isn't that what the leaders of the church tell us? Well, this is another thing that has been huge. We have actually been told by some that you can't be a democrat and be in good standing in the church. Again, if this was a random person, no big deal, but when it's leadership it becomes a little confusing. Also, politics is brought into many lessons and activities. It has no business being in church at all. There is a reason the leaders of the church say they have no political standing. We are to choose for ourselves. Again, back to the attitude of you know better and if you don't think the way I do, you are a bad person. FREE AGENCY is a fundamental part of the church. 

OK, so these are things that have been for a long time and really, they weren't causing much of an issue for a long time. Just started making us wonder why certain people were held to a certain expectation and others were allowed to get away with being contradictory to what they claim to be. 

In case there was any question, I LOVE DAN AND I LOVE MY KIDS, AND THAT WILL NOT CHANGE! Just because I may not like or agree with everything they say or do does not mean I don't or shouldn't love them.

So a little less than 2 years ago Dan bought a new fancy camera. He had been called as the historian for our ward for the Pioneer Trek. We had 3 kids going on the trek so it was really cool. Dan has always had a camera in his hand in almost every situation. He can see a picture in everything. We will have memories forever because he has done this. At this point, he decided that he was going to try and get some experience as a photographer. He had a nice camera and some friends who were photographers who were willing and happy to help him get experience and teach him. Where things turned were when he took some questionable pictures. Like I said before, he sees a picture in everything and sees most things in an artistic way. He took some pictures of some WOMEN and they were questionable, but he NEVER hid anything. He sees beauty and art in the human form. I capitalized the word WOMEN because he has never and would never take any questionable image of anyone under 18. He isn't stupid and has a head on his shoulders. For goodness sake, he is a Paralegal, he has a form that has to be signed and takes ID for all. Has parents sign and attend with anyone underage, to protect not only him but them too. Also asks all people to bring a companion.  This also makes it so no other person can take his images without his permission.  Now I am not making excuses, I may not even agree with it, but again, I have no right to tell him what decisions he has to make. Where the problem came is when some one didn't like these pictures and assumed he was hiding them from me and the church. This person, instead of coming to Dan or to us, printed the pictures and took them to the Bishop and said they were worried about Dan and that they were worried about me and the kids because they thought he was hiding stuff from me. Now the Bishop did a good job of just talking to Dan and not being accusatory and judgmental, but then this person apparently didn't feel that he was punished enough or something, so they went on the most public forum they could and called him a pornographer and more a child pornographer and said he was taking advantage of young girls and that they had lost all respect for him and felt sorry for me and my kids and that he should never call himself an upstanding member of the church. When this happened, things went insane. My kids saw this, both of our families, many of our friends, etc. Honestly, I may not agree with some of these pictures, but I will always defend the fact that he has always been honest with me and doesn't keep things from me because he respects me enough to trust in me. We have been married for as long as we have because of this. Dan takes a lot of pictures, some that I'm not so fond of, but he sees art and beauty in everything and so far I haven't seen very many that you could say are anything else. It is hurtful that people think he is hiding things. IF HE WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT, HOW DID ANYONE SEE THEM?? That is not who Dan is. I really feel bad about this, because he is a very talented photographer and many people will never see any of his awesome work because they have judged him. He is a very giving person and will always help out when he can. Many are missing out because of buying in to the rumor and gossip.  Anyway, when this happened, overnight he went from being a beloved, favorite YM President and HPGL, to a sick scumbag. Not many chose to actually find out what was really happening, the gossip and rumors and judgment went wild. I became a naive, immature person because I didn't leave him. Honestly, I have seen a lot things in my life and what he does I would not consider pornography. Pornography is a state of mind. It's what you think and feel when you see something, not the image. A person in a bikini may not always be tasteful, but it isn't pornography. People need to live in reality instead of in a bubble. If you live in a bubble too long, eventually when that bubble pops, you have no idea how to deal with life because you have never seen any other way. I'm not saying you should like or expose yourself or your kids to things, just that not everything is as "bad" as it may seem or some people think. Again, I didn't react the way many thought I should have, so now it means I'm supporting it. Also again, I support Dan, not always what he does, but it's not my place to say or do anything to make him do what I want. He has his agency. No one knows what he is thinking or feeling. Assumptions are not always fact.  None of us are any different than we have ever been. We are loving people who would do anything we could for people, especially the ones we love and care about, but some how it has happened that when it's thought that a mistake is made, shunning and discrediting people is the way to deal with it. I'm pretty sure that there is no where in the scriptures or any counsel that a General Authority or Prophet has given where it says if some one makes a mistake, shun them and treat them like they are the devil. Again, people have decided their kids aren't allowed here because we are some how going to warp them. All of this could have been prevented by this person simply talking to us or Dan, instead of making assumptions and inflicting ultimate damage. This has never gone away. Just in December some one refused to let their child go to my daughters birthday party because of their assumption of what we would be doing.  When we questioned this, we were told their child couldn't go because we needed to get our priorities straight. How this person even knew anything, is wrong. Either it was simply joining in the rumors and gossip, or some one said something that should have been kept in confidence. Either way, it's very hurtful. This particular person we have thought for a long time loved and cared for us. I don't know who to trust anymore. Dan is pretty much gone as far as church is concerned. He has always been not your mainstream member and has been treated very badly by many in the church his entire life. He is and always will be the loving, compassionate, caring, service oriented person people know and love. Just now he isn't "worthy" of this description in many peoples eyes. It makes me very sad, but the more this happens the harder it is for me and our kids to keep going as far as church is concerned. A persons worth is not defined by their actions, except when their actions are deliberate and hurtful. Anyone who has cared enough to get to know him or us, knows that he has a very deep knowledge and testimony of the Gospel, but can't condone many of the actions of the people. If you claim to represent Christ, you can't also be conceited and judgmental.

I have been dealing with chronic pain and a ton of health problems for over 5 years. In that 5 years, we had Dan's parents in our home, Kyler diagnosed with Tourettes, BiPolar Disorder, Depression, insomnia, and then later a auditory processing disorder. This means his brain doesn't process more than about 3 words of what are said to him. This explains a lot of why people think he is ignoring him and why some of what he says is way out there. He has to try and figure out what is said to him and then move on. A lot of what seems like lying is simply trying to make sense of what he thinks he heard. Not all of it, just a lot of it. Megan was assaulted and the person was never even really slapped on the hand. Just recently, Aubree was diagnosed with severe depression and we spent a lot of November and December on a suicide watch. We filed for chapter 13 because of medical bills, and many other things. I freely admit that I am not a real optimistic person, but when I ask for help to try and get through what has seemed like several of the hardest/darkest times of my life almost always what I am told is to simply change my attitude and that if I had more faith and a better attitude these things wouldn't have happened to me. So basically, it's all my fault. That I should simply paste a smile on and things will magically improve. No one should assume I haven't spent more hours on my knees pleading for help than you could imagine.  No one has spent a day or any time in my shoes, ever. Telling a person who is desperately trying to hold her family, health, and life together that it's all her fault it is happening and that she needs to just be happy does not help. I don't ask anyone to fix my problems, just help me get through them. I know being around a person who is negative isn't easy, but again, understanding is the key. I have really been treated like I am a horrible person and literally shunned because I haven't handled my life the way others think I should have. I know of at least 2 families who have moved from this ward because of the judgment and treatment they and their kids were getting, and they are all doing much better now. We can't move, or would have by now. Besides, we like our house and most of our neighbors. 

We put our 3 oldest kids in Karl G Maeser Academy a year and a half ago. We did it in the hopes that it would help them. It has done just that. Things are so much better for them there, especially Kyler. He has found acceptance and understanding there he has never had before. As far as church is concerned though, this has become a double edged sword. The Young Women especially have shunned our daughters. Even telling them that they can't be a part of their "group" because they aren't at school and stuff and don't know what they like and what's going on with them. It does get worse though. My daughter is in the Laurel presidency and has been shut out basically at every meeting. She is doing her best to promote unity but the other girls don't want to let her or other specific girls in. It's hurtful that this seems to be an allowed, even taught way to do things. I'm not saying the leaders are teaching it. I'm sure it's the parents, because most of their mothers are doing the same thing to me. My daughter suggested that during an activity they play a game so that they have to talk to people that they normally didn't talk to, so that they could all get to know each other. The others basically said no way. They didn't want to have to talk to others. Then recently she went to a camp meeting where the question was asked as to whether they should assign cabins and people or let them girls pick. The answer one of the girls came up with was that it wasn't fair to make them be friends with people they didn't want to. This is completely wrong! You are supposed to encourage unity and love and include everyone, but it appears that the cliques and conceit are encouraged in this case. My daughter doesn't even want to go to activities anymore because she ends up either sitting alone or with the leaders, who don't like that she's hanging around, because the other girls won't even talk to her. They talk about her and are rude. What is she supposed to do. She has tried everything. I feel so bad for her. I have felt the same way and experienced the same treatment. This daughter is one who LOVES girls camp. She has always loved it. This year she refuses to go with this ward because of the treatment and humiliation she experienced last year. She has an auto immune disease that takes all of her thyroid hormone produced. Because of this, she has a very hard time controlling her weight. There was a leader who humiliated her several times while at camp in front of others. Telling her to sit down that they only wanted the skinny people, etc. This was hurtful on many levels. She can't do anything more about her weight than she already is and it is NOT OK for anyone, especially and adult, whom she thought loved and cared for her to do. It didn't stop there either. This person has continued on throughout the year. The same person has started to get very ornery and mean whenever I have tried to speak to them. Also, this is the same person who will no longer let their child come here and think Dan and I's priorities are in need of straightening. Our other daughter has just come through a very hard part of her life where she contemplated ending it a few times. She has been shunned just like the other one. Also humiliated and publicly called a liar because she stripped the color she had put in her hair and made it very close to her real color. The other girl didn't like it, so she called her a liar. These seem like dumb things, but once you get all of them together and they repeat over and over again, it's time to just remove ourselves from the toxic environment. Oh yes, then there is the day that Jake and Megan went to church by themselves because they thought it was important, which happened to be fast Sunday. Well, during church that day the person who was so mean to her was put in as a camp leader again, and an adult brought candy to primary and handed it out. Jake ate some and got told off by another boy loudly in primary for eating it on Fast Sunday. Now come on!! It's ridiculous that kids think they can act like this, but that is what seems to be accepted. Even when they are 11 years old, they are taught to make everyone choose the right, not matter what!! Really, no responsible adult should be bringing candy to church on Fast Sunday. I'm not blaming them for causing a problem by bringing it, just that they should know it's going to cause a problem. They are kids. Our kids have been taught that they should fast on Fast Sunday, but that they can choose. If an adult brought it, they figure it was OK to eat. It's also very hard to not have anyone to talk to about these things. I have made my feelings known before to a leader and I became the tattle tail complainer. I certainly can't talk to my leaders now. They wouldn't believe what I told them. 

I am one who absolutely hates it when people accept callings and then just don't bother to do them. Really, if you don't intend to give it your best, say no! It's so much worse to accept it and give the impression you are going to do it, but then don't. People are counting on you. I admit, I am very serious about this stuff. Right down to when I was in the hospital 5 years ago learning how to walk again, I sat in my bed on my computer with my hymn book planning the music for Relief Society for the next 3 months, or when I was recovering from major surgery on my stomach I was in ICU in my bed on my computer coordinating dinners to be taken to one of the ladies I visit taught who had just had a baby. It's the right thing to do. In this household service is taught from birth basically. My kids will do just about anything for anyone. I'm very proud of that. Recently, I coordinated over 30 block captains and set up an email for information regarding Orem City. Trying to help make sure people were prepared in case of an emergency and watching out for my/their neighbors. I have put A LOT of time and effort and work into this. I have been told no less than 20 times that no one cares if I do anything or not. Again, this has a majority of the time come from leadership. If I have no support from my leaders, how am I supposed to do anything that needs to be done? I have literally had to stand in an office and pretty much beg for approval, just to be able to do something I was asked by those same people to do. I was told the same thing when I was doing music in Relief Society, that no one cared except that I had actually made people leave because I asked them to sit in a section different than where "their chair" was for practice for the Christmas program.  I have said it a lot before and will continue to say it until it sinks in. If you tell a person what they say or do means nothing, or that they are worthless enough, they start to believe it and become worthless and don't try anymore. There is a line from a movie that says, something like, once you're told you're not worth it enough, you start to believe it. I have recently been put back on medication for depression. The counselor I see tells me that he can't believe I made it this long before doing it. That most people would have lost it long ago. I didn't want to feel weak, but when I look at the last several years of my life, I realize that I deserve to have a little help trying to get through. I am not getting it from those I would have counted on and expected to be there for me, so this is the only way I can try to help myself. I HATE that I have to take them, but feel that it needs to be this way so I can be a decent wife and mother. Personally I think I have done pretty well trying to handle everything that has been thrown at us. I don't know anyone else who has had so many years in a row of constant trial. I am really trying to get through it with a little dignity. Hard to do when others are smearing us and not allowing us to forgive and forget and move on. We are told all of the time that we shouldn't get offended and need to forgive others. Well there are two sides to that. Those doing the offending have a responsibility to quit offending and in order to truly forgive, we have to be able to forget. If the thing you are trying to forget or be forgiven for is constantly thrown in your face, how are you supposed to get past it? Plus, how about when you are expected to repent and watched like a hawk for things you never did? Only what people think you did. Hard place to be, and it gets tiring being there all of the time. We are so watched that when I wore sunglasses to church to prevent a headache, I was asked what I was covering up. What happened? I'm tired of having to explain things. I had a few people who wore theirs as well in support, which I really appreciated, but honestly, it's ridiculous that I have to explain things every time I do anything. Where's your husband? Why aren't all of your kids here? Why is Dan working on Sunday? Really?? No ones business. This isn't concern, it's a way to tell me that we aren't doing things right. I really wish I could believe it was concern. I remember a time when this ward was so close like family that we were praised all over. People would have done anything for anyone.  Wondering what happened. I haven't shared everything that has happened and been done to our family, but figure this is long enough and hit some main things. Just needed to set the record straight with some things so hopefully the assumptions will stop. 

Really wishing I could go back to my ward and feel comfortable and accepted, but I can't and won't until things are made right for my children and for me. Honestly, if this is happening to us, there are certainly others and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do. Until people realize and fix their own attitudes and start within their own families, nothing will change. That's what we're trying to do. We don't claim to be perfect, just different. Hoping for a better day!

Christy

Random Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things. 

Kyler is so close to being 18. He in some ways is way past this, but in many others is just not there. I worry about him and how he is going to get through his life. He has had to deal with so much throughout his childhood and teenage years. Honestly, I think for the most part he has dealt well, but some times, on days like today, not so much. It's so hard to know what to do and how to do it so he understands instead of getting upset and fighting against everyone and everything. He can see graduation in his grasp, but it is almost alluding him as well. I keep hoping, for his sake, as well as ours that he will catch the vision again and do this so he can be proud of himself. He really is a great loving person and a peacemaker once you get past the tough guy facade. 

Megan is struggling in some places as well. She just doesn't know where she fits and doesn't know how to handle it. We're hoping she catches a vision soon as well. She just wants peace as well but doesn't know how to bring it to her.

Aubree is doing MUCH better than the last few months, but now she's sick and miserable. Hope she feels better soon. Aubree is definitely one for peace, all you have to do is look at her room, clothes, or any accessory. They are all full of peace signs. 

Jake is just trying to figure out how to deal with what feels like a war zone around his home. He is a peacemaker as well, but he's also the baby and gets pushed aside a lot. You know, big kids don't want their little brother hanging around them. He has a lot of friends and tries to spend time with them. Who wants to hang with their boring old mom and dad?

Dan and I are just doing our best to get through it all. We have recently rediscovered ways to spend time together when we can, even if it's just a few short minutes. Life has been very stressful on all of us for a long time and has come close to breaking us a few times. We are just simply hanging on to each other and hoping and working and doing our best to keep our home and family together and find some happiness. Dan works so hard and so much that it is very hard for him to simply go on sometimes. Schedules will hopefully be changing soon and it will put him back to a schedule that will hopefully not throw his system off so much. He's such a good person and I LOVE HIM so much. I'm sure it's hard on him to not only have all of the responsibilities of a husband and father, but then to have me and all of my issues and inabilities and 3 teenagers as well. 

It has been very rough lately trying to figure out what to do in regards to church. I have not been to our ward here since the 18th of December and won't be going back. I really miss some people and some things there, but there has been such a warped message from so many and what I can only describe as betrayal from some, that it is just not something I, or any of the rest of my family, can get past at this point. We have started attending a ward on the other side of the city. My friend from way back is there and invited us. Megan, Aubree, Jake and I went last week and discovered several people we knew there. They all love it there. We were welcomed and treated so well and just felt like we belonged there. We will probably continue to attend there, at least most of the time. It's so hard sometimes to distinguish between the church and the people. Especially when some of those people are ones you love like family and have for a LONG time. This is why it hurts so bad to find out some things like we have in the past while. My heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest. I am painfully, and I really mean it, aware that Dan or I, nor our kids are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes. It's not fair for us to have to live up to a higher expectation and when we fall, we're told and treated and if we are hopeless and worthless. 

This is what we, as a family, and me personally, have been trying to work through. It's very hard when there really isn't anyone or anywhere to turn to feel loved and cared about. To those who have reached out to us, we really do appreciate it, but we are also very cautious now. We have opened up to some we trusted and thought cared about us and found out that some of those are the very ones betraying our trust. We aren't trying to hide anything, all we want is just to be us and have that be good enough and not horrible people you keep your kids away from. We are the same people we have always been, we haven't changed. We're just trying to raise our kids and get through life like everyone else. Somehow though, we have taken what we have been told is a wrong turn and have no desire to get back on the "right" path. No one knows our desires, that's ours and ours alone. Maybe people thinking they need to be dragging others kicking and screaming down the "right" path isn't quite the way things should be handled. Our PRIORITIES are not as messed up as you think, they are just handled in a different way. Doesn't mean they are wrong. 

You see how this battle goes in my head every minute. It's not easy trying to figure it all out and try to heal my heart as well. I know when I am teetering on an edge that's not good. I have had a gift my whole life that has saved me more times than I can count. I am at that point again and I AM AWARE OF IT! The way I know is because the gift is that  some that I love who have passed away are near. They tend to visit me in my dreams and sometimes not in my dreams. The past few nights my grandparents and my dog have all been with me. I know that sounds crazy, but Buddy was and continues to be a great comfort to me and he still does it when I am to a point that I just need unconditional love and care. He spent all night with me last night. Just laying by me and hugging me. I know many think this is totally immature and ridiculous, but he was literally what held me together through some of the hardest times of my life. My grandparents always have advice to give me. They have been there with their arms around me directing me in many of the things I have done lately. My grandmother warned me that I was going to have a major crisis in my life and need to count on them and others, before I had all of these health problems. The things they do and say have never steered me wrong or failed me.  You see, I really do have good reasons for doing what I do. The love and respect I have felt for and from all of them is something I hold dear and carry with me. I believe this is how my prayers are answered. One gives me direction and advice that I know comes from love, the other gives me unconditional love and comfort. 

Thanks to all of you who still care enough to read this blog. We love our family and friends. Please continue to love us, we need it.

~Christy