Random Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things. 

Kyler is so close to being 18. He in some ways is way past this, but in many others is just not there. I worry about him and how he is going to get through his life. He has had to deal with so much throughout his childhood and teenage years. Honestly, I think for the most part he has dealt well, but some times, on days like today, not so much. It's so hard to know what to do and how to do it so he understands instead of getting upset and fighting against everyone and everything. He can see graduation in his grasp, but it is almost alluding him as well. I keep hoping, for his sake, as well as ours that he will catch the vision again and do this so he can be proud of himself. He really is a great loving person and a peacemaker once you get past the tough guy facade. 

Megan is struggling in some places as well. She just doesn't know where she fits and doesn't know how to handle it. We're hoping she catches a vision soon as well. She just wants peace as well but doesn't know how to bring it to her.

Aubree is doing MUCH better than the last few months, but now she's sick and miserable. Hope she feels better soon. Aubree is definitely one for peace, all you have to do is look at her room, clothes, or any accessory. They are all full of peace signs. 

Jake is just trying to figure out how to deal with what feels like a war zone around his home. He is a peacemaker as well, but he's also the baby and gets pushed aside a lot. You know, big kids don't want their little brother hanging around them. He has a lot of friends and tries to spend time with them. Who wants to hang with their boring old mom and dad?

Dan and I are just doing our best to get through it all. We have recently rediscovered ways to spend time together when we can, even if it's just a few short minutes. Life has been very stressful on all of us for a long time and has come close to breaking us a few times. We are just simply hanging on to each other and hoping and working and doing our best to keep our home and family together and find some happiness. Dan works so hard and so much that it is very hard for him to simply go on sometimes. Schedules will hopefully be changing soon and it will put him back to a schedule that will hopefully not throw his system off so much. He's such a good person and I LOVE HIM so much. I'm sure it's hard on him to not only have all of the responsibilities of a husband and father, but then to have me and all of my issues and inabilities and 3 teenagers as well. 

It has been very rough lately trying to figure out what to do in regards to church. I have not been to our ward here since the 18th of December and won't be going back. I really miss some people and some things there, but there has been such a warped message from so many and what I can only describe as betrayal from some, that it is just not something I, or any of the rest of my family, can get past at this point. We have started attending a ward on the other side of the city. My friend from way back is there and invited us. Megan, Aubree, Jake and I went last week and discovered several people we knew there. They all love it there. We were welcomed and treated so well and just felt like we belonged there. We will probably continue to attend there, at least most of the time. It's so hard sometimes to distinguish between the church and the people. Especially when some of those people are ones you love like family and have for a LONG time. This is why it hurts so bad to find out some things like we have in the past while. My heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest. I am painfully, and I really mean it, aware that Dan or I, nor our kids are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes. It's not fair for us to have to live up to a higher expectation and when we fall, we're told and treated and if we are hopeless and worthless. 

This is what we, as a family, and me personally, have been trying to work through. It's very hard when there really isn't anyone or anywhere to turn to feel loved and cared about. To those who have reached out to us, we really do appreciate it, but we are also very cautious now. We have opened up to some we trusted and thought cared about us and found out that some of those are the very ones betraying our trust. We aren't trying to hide anything, all we want is just to be us and have that be good enough and not horrible people you keep your kids away from. We are the same people we have always been, we haven't changed. We're just trying to raise our kids and get through life like everyone else. Somehow though, we have taken what we have been told is a wrong turn and have no desire to get back on the "right" path. No one knows our desires, that's ours and ours alone. Maybe people thinking they need to be dragging others kicking and screaming down the "right" path isn't quite the way things should be handled. Our PRIORITIES are not as messed up as you think, they are just handled in a different way. Doesn't mean they are wrong. 

You see how this battle goes in my head every minute. It's not easy trying to figure it all out and try to heal my heart as well. I know when I am teetering on an edge that's not good. I have had a gift my whole life that has saved me more times than I can count. I am at that point again and I AM AWARE OF IT! The way I know is because the gift is that  some that I love who have passed away are near. They tend to visit me in my dreams and sometimes not in my dreams. The past few nights my grandparents and my dog have all been with me. I know that sounds crazy, but Buddy was and continues to be a great comfort to me and he still does it when I am to a point that I just need unconditional love and care. He spent all night with me last night. Just laying by me and hugging me. I know many think this is totally immature and ridiculous, but he was literally what held me together through some of the hardest times of my life. My grandparents always have advice to give me. They have been there with their arms around me directing me in many of the things I have done lately. My grandmother warned me that I was going to have a major crisis in my life and need to count on them and others, before I had all of these health problems. The things they do and say have never steered me wrong or failed me.  You see, I really do have good reasons for doing what I do. The love and respect I have felt for and from all of them is something I hold dear and carry with me. I believe this is how my prayers are answered. One gives me direction and advice that I know comes from love, the other gives me unconditional love and comfort. 

Thanks to all of you who still care enough to read this blog. We love our family and friends. Please continue to love us, we need it.

~Christy

2011 Year in Review and a Decision

January 2011 brought a few things. There have been ups and downs. After taking off my sock and getting a sharp pain in my foot, followed by swelling and black and blueness, I went to the podiatrist and found out that I had broken my little toe as well as 2 bones in my foot. This made me go to the regular doc to find out why a simple thing like taking off my sock could do this to me. They did a dexascan and discovered that I have moderate to severe osteoporosis depending on where on my body it is and that I have probably had it most of my life. This is added to my already degenerating spine and bone spurs I have all over my spine. The good thing about this is that because of this discovery, the doc looked over some of my past scans and said that he believes I broke my neck and that no one ever found it because they were looking for signs of a stroke. They had no reason to be thinking I had brittle bones as I was only 33 when this happened. This really does go along with what I have been telling the docs for 5 years now . I told them there was something wrong in my neck on the first night, they didn't listen. This doc seems to think that it wasn't a horrible break but the location was crucial and the fact that I was put through pretty rigorous therapy without the knowledge of the injury was probably the cause of the second instance. It's all speculation, but it really does make a lot of sense and gives me a little validation. 

January also brought a promotion for Dan as he applied for a senior agent position and got the job. It has been a good thing, but is hard sometimes as the state has gone through several changes and many of them taking away resources from his department. 

February was fairly uneventful. 

In March our van finally died as we were expecting, so we had to find a different vehicle to drive. We were very lucky to have found our suburban and the people selling it were wonderful. They dropped the price immensely and we brought it home and it has been a very good vehicle for us. Only a couple of things have needed fixing and they are things you would expect for it's age and nothing major...(Knocking on wood). 

April brought one year after my surgery. I was pretty upset for a while that I didn't make the 100 pound mark, but I have come to realize that maybe I wasn't suppose to lose that much at once. 

May was a very hard month for the family and even more so for me. Our dog Buddy who had been sick for a while was put down. It was the humane thing to do, but it was and still is hard for me to do. He really was a lifeline for me and there is an empty space in our hearts where he belongs. Anyway, enough about that. May also brought some good things. The teachers and administration at the older kids school called me and suggested we get an IEP for Kyler. All people, including docs, have sort of come to the conclusion that Kyler is mildly autistic. They fixed things so he had special ed accommodations and a few other things and he has for the most part done a lot better. It also meant the end of the school year was near. Kyler did a lot of packets over the summer and only has a few now and is almost on track for graduation. We're keeping hope alive in regards to this.

June brought Aubree starting in cheer and fundraisers and practice, etc. Jake went again to football camp and loved it. 

July, we had a huge BBQ on the 4th. It's fun for us. We played Independence Day bingo. It was really fun and we had little dollar store prizes for winners and stuff. Other than that, the only other thing I can recall from July was Dan and I's 22nd anniversary. 

In August, Dan started a second job at Vivint. It's a pretty good job for a second one and he has been there 4 months and they seem to really like him. It looks like there is a lot a chance to advance in this job, so hopefully we will be announcing advancements soon ;-) August also brought the beginning of school. Kyler started his senior year, Megan her sophomore, Aubree 8th, and Jake 5th. Aubree was deeply involved in cheer and Jake in football. August =busy at our house. Megan was named the chief editor for the yearbook and has done a good job. Also, she finally got her driving permit :-0

September was pretty uneventful, other then Megan turning 16 and I was diagnosed and started medication again for depression...UGH!

October brought Dan's 40th birthday. He posted a great blog post on here then, it's a good read. 

November brought a few sort of scary things. In November Aubree started on a downhill spiral that happened quite fast and ended with her being diagnosed with pretty severe depression and the request for more testing. She really struggled badly and went through a suicidal and cutting phase. Sleepless nights and cry filled days filled much of November. We had a nice Thanksgiving here at our home though. 

This sort of brings me to the next thing. The decision that I have fought making for a LONG time. Be aware, that I did not make it lightly or without careful thought and consideration. I even asked advice from people I trust and respect. It is a decision I have made on my own and for myself and Dan and my kids. It is better to have a mother with a clear head and heart than one who is conflicted all of the time. I know you will all be upset over this, but I had to do it for myself. After I finally decided, I have felt a HUGE weight lifted. 

My "Wizard", ( a neuro-psychologist) that I see a lot taught me this exercise a long time ago that really seems to work. I had forgotten about it to some extent, but today when I saw him he asked me to do it again. What he said was when I am conflicted about what to do or how I feel about something I should sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and think about whatever or whoever the confliction is. If I close my eyes and feel peace thinking about it, then it is probably something I should fight for or consider a good thing, but if when I close my eyes it upsets me in any way, it is probably not such a good thing. The silence and the eyes closed helps ones conscience work better. It also takes away distraction and heightens your other senses. ( one reason you should close your eyes when you pray) So today, as I was trying to work through some of my conflictions I discovered that whenever I think about church it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Basically, Wizard said he saw a complete change in my demeanor when I thought about church. A tenseness. Now don't get me wrong, he would never tell me what to do and he is a very good man who is a member of the LDS church and is very dedicated, all he did was observe me. I thought about this and discussed it with him for a bit and when all was said and done, what I realized is that I literally force myself to go and come home unhappy and unfulfilled every Sunday. Not to mention the physical sickness I come home with most of the time. I literally get a headache and sometimes more by going.  Church is supposed to be a place where you get peace and feel better when you go. I don't. I feel alone and apart and pitied and judged. None of which have any valid reason for happening, but they do. I don't even think people know they're doing it. Now I am not putting blame on anyone but myself. The thing is, if it is doing this to me, there is no reason for me to be going. I know the gospel to be true and I believe that I live in a manner pleasing to God.  I feel that I can be a better wife and mother and good person in general  by taking myself out of this situation. I will no longer be attending church, at least not on a regular basis. I will stay home and spend time with my husband. Our kids will be given their choice and will be supported in whatever choice they make regarding attending. I however will not be going and would hope that those people who know me will respect my decision and know that I am respecting them by stepping away. I would hope that I would be released from any positions I am currently in and be allowed to live my life and Dan and our family allowed to live theirs as well. I love and respect so many people and all I am asking is the same respect in return. At least some of our kids love church and I would hope that they will be shown the same love and respect now without us attending. This doesn't mean we will never be back, just for now is all.

Please know this was not an easy decision, but I have to take care of myself and my family. Right now it needs to be this way. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping. 

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one.  He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them. 

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year. 

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-) 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week. 

~Christy

Trying to Figure Out Why

I know that this is not a happy, grateful, typical Thanksgiving/Christmas post, but it's honest. 

I am constantly being told to just say what I think or feel and not to worry about what others think or say about it. The problem is, when I do this, I am immediately hit with a lecture about how I shouldn't be saying things like that because no one wants to hear things that aren't happy and positive. While I understand that no one wants to be around some one who is just totally negative, how am I supposed to know what is or isn't going to make some one upset. I have actually found that I can say or do something that I feel is totally uplifting and wonderful and then be lectured on how wrong it is or how it's not OK to agree with or think that way. I literally feel as though I cannot say or do anything right. I don't suppose that I have to be right or the best at everything, I am NOT perfect, far from it, but every now and then getting back a compliment or being told "Good Job" would be nice. I am really feeling inadequate at the moment. That's not even true, I haven't felt adequate for a very long time. Here in lies the problem...

I have gone to counseling regularly for 5 years now. I have recently started taking medication for depression...again. I have had major surgery to improve my quality of life and prolong my life. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for myself, my husband, and my kids. Where has all of this gotten me? More sad and depressed than I think I have ever been. I really don't feel there is any reason for my presence in my home. I don't feel there is reason for my presence in my ward, my neighborhood, or anywhere else for that matter. I am so tired of tension, fighting, and general backstabbing and meanness. I honestly can't do anymore for myself or anyone else. I know that this will bring on the lectures on how strong I am and how I can get through things if I just count on God. That lecture is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone could say to me. I spend more time in prayer than anyone could possibly imagine. After more than 5 years, some of which I have been literally fighting for my life, I have ended up in a place where I have almost no friends to confide in, a son who has a lot of issues that he is so stubborn he won't let anyone help him with and who pretty much despises me, a daughter who feels so outcast-ed she has contemplated taking her own life, a husband who is so tired from working so much he can't be who he wants to be, and many other things that I can't put on here for fear of causing major problems in other parts of my life.  How much counting completely on God, handing it all over, can one person do before the twinge of doubt creeps in? I have a strong testimony and know what is right and wrong, but I really can't count on only this anymore. What I have learned in the past few years is that no one ever really forgives you. That people expect you to forgive them for what they do, that it's your duty, but that then to many that means they can keep doing things to you freely and without guilt. Then tell you you are in the wrong because you don't forgive. I have learned that people, even some whom you trust and love, learn things about you and make quick judgments without ever asking you or trying to understand or even ask if it's true. Pretty much everything that I ever believed about many people in the church has been changed forever. I know the church is true and that people aren't perfect and are human, but I have seen so much hypocrisy and contempt by some who use the church as their backing in the past couple of years I don't know what to feel anymore. It would be OK if they were being punished or reprimanded for what they are doing, but they're not. It seems to be an accepted way to be. This is completely in conflict to what the church teaches. Maybe now some of you can understand why I am so conflicted all of the time. I literally have no one or nowhere to turn to try to work through things. I am either judged, betrayed, or ignored. All I have ever asked of anyone is to just listen. Don't fix me, just listen and be there for me while I am trying to work through some of the darkest days of my life.  

I am trying my best, but it simply isn't enough. I am really tired and very discouraged. I really don't know how much more or how much longer I can handle. I need love and attention. Please know that I love my husband and my family. That will never change.

A Pirate Looks at Forty

When I started to look back at my life and contemplate where I am in the journey at the age of forty, an event that could arguably be the middle of my life, I started to feel the tinge of depression.  I have worked so hard for so many years and yet, where am I in the scope of things?  I still struggle every day with my jobs, my family, my religion, my inner peace.  But then my mediation took another turn. 

Where am I? 

I am a high school drop-out who now has three college degrees. 

I am the husband that got married at seventeen years old, and that against all odds, am still married to the same person twenty-two years later, with four great kids. 

I am the outsider whose parents never owned a home until after I moved out, and am the proud owner of a humble, but sufficient abode located on a very small patch of ground just a few yards from where I spent my formidable years in a basement duplex sharing a room with my younger brother.

I am the smoker that picked up the habit while working a summer job at the age of fourteen and quit after the birth of my son. 

I am the drinker that started drinking very young, but gave it up around the same time as the smoking. 

I work two jobs, but I get my bills paid, I have insurance and a 401k, and I am able to provide some of the luxuries of life to my kids.  I don’t make a lot of money, but I make more than a lot of people do and feel that I am blessed to be able to have two full-time jobs when some people cannot find one good job. 

I am at peace with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, although I am having difficulty with my chosen religion and some of the people within it.  I have the mind set that each person has the right to think, feel, and act anyway they desire so long as it does not interfere with another persons ability to think, feel, and act in the manner that they choose to.  To each their own.  Live and let live.    

I still have the urges and desire for my vices, and occasionally they get the better of me, but I keep them under control and have so far been able to avoid re-introducing those habits into my daily life.   

We certainly struggle, but with the help of family and friends, we make it through.  Raising teenagers is much harder than I had imagined it, and everyday it presents new issues. 

I have a hobby that allows me to look at life and nature in a whole new way.  I love to take pictures.  I wish I had time for art school, but for right now, on the job training is teaching me how to better create stunning images.  I shoot various themes, but I love to shoot people.  I love to shoot the beauty and depth that is the human spirit.  Not everyone finds beauty in the shots I take, but I guess that is part of trying to find some sort of inner artist.

I worry about Christy’s health and how much longer her body is going to function, but I am committed to help her with whatever struggles are ahead.

I have many goals that intermix will my standard bucket type list;

I want to be to the point within the next two years where I am able to work just one full-time job.  This requires debts to be paid and advancements to be made, but I will be working toward this. 

I want to remodel my house to include a family room/studio built in the carport. 

I need a new camera, lenses and studio lighting. 

I want to spend more time with my kids doing things that we all love to do.

I want to go to Burning Man. 

I want my insurance to start covering weight loss surgery.

I want to spend more time with my brother and sister and their families.

I want to live long enough to collect the retirement that I work so hard for, and hope that the government does not find a way to take it all away before I get there.

I want to see all of my children graduate from high school, move out of my home, and have families of their own. 

The last forty have been tough and I certainly have regrets, but my trials have put me in the place where I am today.  I regret not spending more time getting to know my neighbors and then having them move and missing the times that we never had.  I regret the financial situation that I am now in that takes me away from family when they need me the most.    

I look at the next forty years with optimism.  I look forward to getting my house paid off and getting a little bit of a nest egg built up so that we, with a lot of luck, will be able to spend quality time with family and friends in retirement.  I value the relationships that I have with the few people that I have relationships with, and look forward to building relationships with more people as time moves on. 

I know that this post has been long and meandering.  Thank you for taking the time to read it, it is nice to know that there are those people in my life that care enough about me to take the time to muddle through my meandering thoughts to see if there was any logical statement of conclusion at the end.  Sorry to disappoint you, this is it.

Randomness

Just sitting here thinking. Since Dan started this second job I have had WAY too much time to just sit and think. Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes not so much. I am one who generally over thinks because I really want things to be perfect. This works well sometimes, but also occasionally gets me in trouble.  

Tonight I took Jake to pack meeting. Jake got his Webelos badge and I think I counted 6 other awards. I was pinning things for quite some time. I am pretty proud of him for doing this, especially since he did this during the last month and missed the first few weeks of scouts after football season started. He is now officially working on his arrow of light then as soon as he gets that he can start going with the 11 year old scouts. Jake really is a hard worker and pretty dedicated to do well in whatever he chooses to do. 

A few weeks ago Dan had a photo shoot with one of the models he has shot several times. I know her fairly well so I decided to go with him this time. Plus, it gives us a while out together. Anyway, after he finished with her he had a few frames left on his card, so he took a few of the two of us. I had not done anything with my hair and was wearing a shirt that was way too big, but I LOVE a few of them. Dan really is talented with a camera and I wish he could do more with this. I guess the time will come. He is a free spirit about many things and it sometimes kicks him in the rear, but everything he does has a good reason behind it, even if sometimes it seems crazy. Here are a few of the pics taken that day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this first one. Even though I don't look my best.

Dan had just shaved of that beard and I was enjoying his face. No, he wasn't making a fist, it's his remote to his camera ;-)

I'm so glad that he did this. As uncomfortable as I am in front of a camera and don't think I photograph well, it's nice to have a way to remember a few of these happy moments together. The last while has been pretty rough on us. This picture makes me happy. 

OK, so I can't think of anything else specific to say, so I'll leave it at this. I told you it was random...LOL

Christy

Thinking Again...I Know, It's a Scary Thing

Over the past couple of weeks I have had several things run through my mind because of several things happening. Most of these things are those that I really didn't ever think would become reality. In hindsight, they had to, at least most of them, but at the very least I had hope for them not to.  

Aubree is starting 8th grade and is on the cheer leading team for her school. This really is a very good thing for her. She has been the one of our kids that has had a hard time figuring out who she is. She has not really been involved in anything until the last year. Last year in the kids new school she had the opportunity to become involved in choir and a few other things which in the end gave her the confidence to try out for the cheer team. She is very dedicated and has made almost every practice (even the 6 AM ones) and given her all. It has been very hard to know that we simply couldn't pay for it. The coaches have been great and tried to have fundraisers, etc., but so far it hasn't done much to help this situation. We think we have finally gotten the financials as far as cheer goes worked out, so hopefully, as long as we figure out how to get all of these uniforms and stuff bought, she'll be fine. Besides all of this, the drama cheer has brought into out life has been pretty hard to take lately. One of the other mothers accused and reprimanded her in front of the rest of the team and without either of us present, then proceeded to tell everyone she knew that our daughter was doing something horrible. While we are not the most strict set of parents, she was not doing what was accused and this other mother was totally out of line in doing what she did. It has been very hard, but I have tried my best to take the high road and let it go. What happened though was as I was working to let it go, this other mother threw it in my face. It's one of the hardest things to hear when some one tells you that you have a horrible child. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am quite proud of myself though, I told her that I know what my child is doing and that she is a good person and that I didn't appreciate her assumptions toward us. Anyway, we parted ways and have since just tried to forget. This is the best thing, as I had to use every bit of strength I have to not punch her in the face ;-) I have been told I'm a bad mother before because of another of my children's actions and sometimes it's hard to keep remembering that I am actually doing pretty well. I do have some strong willed kids, but I think in many cases in life this is a good trait for them to have. Determination brings results. Letting others decide your life isn't not admirable. It doesn't always make it easy as a parent, but I feel like we have instilled in our kids a sense of them knowing they have the ability to fight for what they want and feel they need. 

Over the summer Kyler has worked pretty hard on packets to get some credits made up. Right now he is 5, and testing on one more, packets away from being totally caught up. We are pretty proud of him for doing this. He seems to have finally caught the vision and swears that he is going to work hard and graduate. I cannot express how proud I will be when he does this. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with some of the things he deals with. I'm really hoping for the best here and praying he doesn't let himself and the rest of us down. He has a lot of support at this school from teachers, administrators, and students too and here at home as well.

Megan is starting her sophomore year and has been chosen as the Chief Editor for the yearbook. I have never seen her this excited for school. I have never seen any of them excited like this year. Anyway, she has decided that she is going to focus on school this year and get good grades. This is a huge decision and sacrifice as volleyball has been a huge part of her life. 

Jake is starting 5th grade and has started back with football for this season. It sounds like he is going to be playing the Center position. He says his coach tells him he's the best shotgun snapper. We really like his coaches. They are wonderful men who sincerely care about teaching these boys good character traits and how to be honest upstanding people on and off the football field. He is really a pretty good kid. 

I have had the experience lately of helping my parents with getting to appointments and things. They are aging and slowing down a lot. I know it's inevitable, but the reality that they are not going to always be around is hitting me pretty hard. I really don't know what I'll do when they are gone. 


Recently our neighbors have had to deal with the death of their son. I never met their son, but I have been thinking about them almost constantly. I hope to never have to go through this or any experience like this. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child, even and especially as an adult. I hope they can get through this time feeling the love of God and all of us who are hoping to be able to help in some way. 

Dan has started a second job. He just finished training on Friday and has worked 2 shifts since. He is doing well and already has secured himself some commission. I cannot express how much I appreciate and admire his dedication to doing his best to take care of us. He is so tired and works very hard for us. I really miss him and wish things weren't how they are, but reality is reality and he is doing his best to meet it head on. If we can just get through the next month or so of trying to play catch up, we should be OK and he can relax a little. I love him so much. We have been through a lot in that past 23 years. It really shakes me to my core when things happen and makes me feel insecure about anything regarding us. I'm really trying, but having a hard time understanding why the challenges we have had and continue to face are coming our way. Some one said just earlier today that if we have true faith we don't need understanding. I'm working on that one. I guess I'm not as faithful as I thought I was. Honestly, I have been living solely on faith for years and my issue now is being able to trust it. It's a very scary place to be, but I'm continuing to work on it.  I am still trying very hard to feel more a part of my ward. I know part of my problem of feeling not a part of things is me, but it's going to take some time to be able to regain the trust and feeling of love and acceptance I have felt in the past. Some happenings over the past years have just shaken my ability to trust almost anyone. 

It has been 3 months since we put the dog to sleep. I feel so much like a baby, but I still really miss him. Most days I am fine and don't even think about it, but there are times that I find myself just missing him. He was my sure listener. My "fur therapy" that was always there loving me no matter what. I feel ridiculous for still being this emotionally distraught, but only I know the bond that we had and I have to be able to move on in my own time. I love the cat and he has really tried to take up where the dog used to be there for me, but he is a cat and just doesn't have the same personality. He does come lay by me when I'm really upset about something and it's great. Just not the same though. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a dog, but I still have a gaping empty space in my heart. 

I truly hope there are still some people out there who read this blog. It is a necessary part of my ability to move forward and keep trying to feel better. I have been counseled by a very wise man to do this. I hope that you all understand. 

Christy

More Rambling In the Night

Well, here it is at 1:30 AM...again and I'm awake, typing on this blog *sigh*

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have pretty much been on an emotional and physical and whatever other way you can imagine roller coaster. I can tell you very honestly that it is not a fun ride to be on and that I have wished many times that I had not stood in line to ride it, but I apparently did stand in that line so now I'm on the ride for the duration. It's funny that in my recollection I was standing in line for the nice, slow, relaxing and refreshing ride but somehow I must have stepped into the other line or something...Hmm?

School starts in exactly 22 days. This brings me much happiness in one way, but breeds fear in another. Having 2 kids in high school and one in middle school makes for some pretty expensive weeks ahead. Jake is still in elementary so it's not so bad, but there are still things like school clothes, etc. One plus to having our older kids in a charter school is that they can wear the same clothes they did last year. Their uniforms don't change...YAY!!! They are all going stir crazy right now and are in turn driving me there, so I am thrilled that school will bring back some order to their lives. Kyler is a senior this year and I think (I say this with fingers crossed and much hope) he has finally decided he is going to really work hard this year because he wants to graduate. Megan is a Sophomore and decided to fore go volleyball this year to concentrate on school, plus she is the chief editor for the yearbook this year. Also, she just got her learners permit. It's so terrifying when they are learning. Especially now with all of the construction.  Aubree is in 8th grade and made the cheer team back in April. She has been very diligent and gone to almost every practice, even the 6 AM ones all summer long. Jake is happy with the teacher he got and is hoping to be playing football soon. School time is quite busy, but the order and schedule it provides is so much better for everyone. It really is the most wonderful time of he year. 

Dan will be starting a new, second job on the 8th. We are very excited about this. I am very happy that hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and not be so strapped financially all of the time. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty or like it's my fault that we have been having such a struggle. I know that there is no way I could have prevented what happened to me and that I try to do everything I can to help out here, but it's hard to know that Dan will not be home with us and will be working literally all day every day and how tired he will be. I really hate not having him here, but know it's a necessary thing right now. I don't know how I would have ever survived if we had had kids while he was in the Navy. I guess God knew better!

We had our annual trip to the dentist 10 days ago and I guess it's a good thing we went. Everyone but Aubree had to have work done. Part of my reasons for being awake right now is that my mouth is still hurting from the 2 crowns and some other fillings I had done on Friday. I knew it would cause me a headache, which it has, but my jaw (pried open very wide for 2 hours) and the spots where the temporary crowns are are so sore and nothing seems to get rid of it without me taking something really strong, which I can't do being the responsible adult at home :-) I feel bad complaining too much. Kyler had all 4 wisdom teeth out at the same time as I was having this done, so he is undoubtedly suffering as well. Dan had a crown and Megan and Jake both had some fillings. Thank goodness for a good dental office and the fact that we overpaid a couple of years ago, it made it so we could get all of this done now. I however am not excited to go have more work done in 2 weeks. I hate knowing the headache is coming.

I am trying to find my way to the nice, happy, relaxing ride through life and find myself there every now and then. I am just still trying to stay off the roller coaster. I'm sure I will be on it still probably more than I would ever choose, but I'm working my way off. Let's hope they shut it down for maintenance ;-) 

Christy

It's Not On Purpose

Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.

The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help.  I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time. 

We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days. 

The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some.  What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this. 

This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be. 

~Christy