One Year Ago

One year ago today, I did something that I thought long and hard about. I knew it would be a huge life change, but I also knew that it would be good for me. This is what I looked like 1 year ago...

 When I look back at these pictures, it makes me pretty sad. I really can't believe this was me. So unhappy and so unhealthy. Not comfortable with having my picture taken. I cannot even put the pants I was wearing on anymore and keep them up. It really is a good thing I have these pictures to look at though. I have really been struggling with the fact that I did not make my goal. It seemed so simple when I set it, and about 6 months into it, I was so sure I would make it I didn't even really think about it. Well, when I got to about 8 months post surgery, I stopped losing weight. I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost anymore either. Leaving me depending on the day, 10 to 15 pounds under my goal. I have lost 85-90 pounds altogether. I am really very proud of myself for doing this at all and for sticking to it (for the most part, I do have days that are REALLY hard). 

I saw some one today who had the same surgery about 6 months before I did and she looks to good and SO skinny. I looked at her and thought "she looks familiar", then Dan said, you remember ______ don't you? I said "OH MY GOSH!" She looked wonderful. For a few minutes I felt really sorry for myself, but I then decided that I have to be happy and proud of myself for what I have accomplished. 

I can now share clothes with Aubree, which is very cool and that makes me very happy. She is 13. I don't remember fitting in any clothes that size since I was like 12. This I don't understand because I am literally not that small, but I am trying to be happy with where I am. I cannot exercise like most people who have this because of my disabilities, so to have lost almost 100 pounds with minimal exercise means the world to me. So now I will post a few chronologically taken pictures of me...

3 months

5 months

7 months

OK, so I haven't lost any more since this picture was taken, so I'll have to use this for the new one. It is taken in the same spot as the before pic. See a difference?? :-) :-)

Thanks to everyone who has supported me/us in this. It really is a family thing and having the support of family and friends is paramount!!

~Christy

Recognizing Blessings

I'm sure that you have all read about and heard or seen the seemingly endless misfortune we have endured over the last few years. I have been hoping to see those promised blessings come to fruition for a while now, wondering what it was that I hadn't learned or done that was holding them back. I am not convinced that it has been a very noticeable change, but I have really been trying to change my thought process for the past little while. I'm definitely not perfect at it and have times where I slip back into it, but I have really been putting an effort into having hope and optimism. This is not easy for me as I have literally had to change almost everything I have ever known to do it. 

 I am still very discouraged with my abilities as a mother. I recognize that I am being too hard on myself and I really try to feel differently about it, but the fact is that my kids are still spiraling downward in many ways. Especially academically. I have to throw out a thank you to Elisabeth Shelley for expressing her feelings as a mother. If she has had similar experiences and still has some encouragement somewhere, then it gives me a little hope. Our kids are doing leaps and bounds better in so many other ways at the school we put them in this year but they are struggling. I have discovered that they have not been taught some of the fundamentals that they need to excel, especially math. We have tried everything, homework trackers, conferences with the teachers, I mean everything. I am so worried that especially Kyler is not going to have the experience of graduating and then he will have an extremely hard life ahead of him, even more than he is already going to have. I'm sure that a lot of these things are normal feelings for a mother with 3 teenagers and a 10 year old, but I'm learning and some days are just too much. On the positive side of this, I think that we are slowly regaining somewhat of a relationship with our kids that has been lost for a while.

Dan got a promotion at work in January. It has been hard for him as he not only has to learn his new job, but is expected to do his old job as well because they can't hire anyone to do it. It's very stressful as Dan is a perfectionist at work and simply cannot do everything he needs/wants to get done. He is finally getting noticed as a photographer in a good way. He has done a wedding now and has another one coming up. Has done a few bridal sessions, and they are gorgeous. I'm proud of him and envy him for chasing a dream and making it real. Obviously I'm glad he has toned things down a bit ;-)

For about the past 2 years, we have been fighting to keep our van running. Funny how it got REALLY bad about the time we paid it off. Anyway, we have replaced multiple things on it. When we bought it, we had done some homework on it and it was VERY highly rated and was only 3 years old so we felt pretty good that we had made a good decision. I think we should have painted it yellow, because everything started going wrong with it one right after another, sometimes 2 at once. Well, last week after having it die on me 3 times, 2 of them on very busy streets, we decided that we had better not drive it anymore. After getting the news from the mechanic that we would have to replace the transmission and various other important parts just to make it safe (not good, just safe and no guarantee of passing inspection) we decided that we just needed to get rid of it. We then took it to the Pic a Part and literally sold it for parts. They gave us enough to take care of a couple of things and spend a little on ourselves for our temple anniversary that was last Friday.  The reason I tell you all of this is because at this point we needed another vehicle (thanks to my sisters and BIL's that let us use their cars in the in between) but knew finding one that we had any chance of getting and having it be usable was going to be a major challenge. So Friday I was looking through the cars for sale on KSL when I came across this one.

Dan and I talked for a while at which point we decided it was too good to be true. After a while of feeling uneasy about not calling, I called about it anyway. I talked to the man who told me that he had bought it for his growing family from an older couple who used it to travel but needed to downsize. I then wondered why he was selling it and he said that it was too big for his wife to handle (apparently she is even shorter than me, REALLY??)  and that they had bought something smaller. So that seemed cool. He told me that he had just replaced a bunch of stuff (Pretty much everything, including a radiator) except the transmission and engine. That he was a mechanic and just liked it to be running in top shape. So we went to look at it on Friday night but missed them being at home. Dan looked all over the outside and through the windows and couldn't find any problems. We left still thinking it was too good to be true, but went back on Saturday morning and were able to drive it. While we were out driving it finding no problems and commenting on the pristine condition of the interior, the man called us and said that we were really nice people and really needed it so he wanted only a certain amount for it, which was $500 less than the original price and that we should keep it in mind. Dan and I looked at each other in shock and said "well that was weird." We haven't had things like this happen for us in a LONG time. So we took some $$ to him and drove our vehicle home. He then gave us a bunch of antifreeze, etc that he had bought for it and the one part he hadn't put in yet and told us that he had just registered it in February so to check and see if we could just transfer the emissions and inspection. We feel very blessed that we were able to get what we wanted and were able to get it at all. We have really been trying to make some things right lately and for me I feel that this has been a faith building experience and has strengthened me conviction to keep trying. I don't speak for Dan, but he is grateful for the generosity and human decency that has been shown us lately.  We don't have to pay for anything but the taxes and registration because of this man and because I have handicapped plates, we are able to transfer them instead of having to pay for new ones. Insurance will also be about the same. It seems it has been a good thing all of the way around.

So, I have had a few days to reflect on a few things. For the most part, I am doing pretty well at seeing things in a new light, that there are blessings coming our way. I have days where I don't do as well as others, but all I can do is try my best. That's all that anyone should be expected to do. 

Christy

The Climb

Earlier I was in the van and heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. While she is not one of my favorite people to listen to, I have heard that song before and it always makes me cry. It is literally a song about my life. I have been encouraged to listen to it by others many times, and they're right. I am aware that I have a hard time seeing the positive a lot of the time. I hope that all of my family and friends understand that I really do try to see life in a more positive light. It's just very hard for me sometimes. 

There is a line in the song that says..."There's always going to be another mountain, I'm gonna want to make it move." A person is always going to want to try and move mountains to have the life that they hope to have. I don't think that we have any idea how hard that is and forget that there is going to be another mountain right behind it. I think it's a hard thing to learn. I am happy in my marriage and with my family. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it has been very hard to learn how to "enjoy" the journey and the trials in my life. I love my mother and I think she is a wonderful person and a great example of a hard working, God fearing woman who loves her family, but all I learned in my childhood was to get upset and hide when something happened. That it pretty much was the end of the world when things didn't work out. I was the next child born after the horrific experience of losing a child.  I'm not putting down the way I was taught because I have no place to say what is right or wrong and how I would handle the situation they had. I just know that it has been a hard thing to learn as an adult. Now I realize that I am 38 years old and have been married for almost 22 of those years, but it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been given any ideas on how to cope with trials and things. The scary thing is that during the last 5 years my family and I have had HUGE, unbelievable, non-stop trials. It is quite a hard thing to learn by trial and error, and while trying to learn and get through these things, my body has literally started to break down. It's not only me either, Dan has had numerous surgeries and injuries and employment issues, etc. Kyler has become extremely sick a couple of times and had to face some realities that he can't understand, because they exist. Megan has gone through some horrible things, and Jake and Aubree have had some fairly major issues as well. It's very hard when each member of a family are having their own personal crisis' that they are trying to deal with and it puts extreme pressure on the family to hold things together. How does one hold a family together when they can't keep them self together. Anyway, we're doing our best to figure it out, we're just not always successful with what we do. We are trying.

Over the weekend some things happened that were very hard. Things were said and done that were not meant to hurt anyone, but did. I hope that Dan and my kids know that I love them and that there are some things I still don't know how to control or do. I sometimes don't know what I have said or done until after the fact. I hope that they know this and understand that I love them and would not intentionally do anything to hurt them. I would hope they will try to be understanding and patient with me. Life is not what they see on TV, I am real and have real feelings that I need to be cared for and loved and respected. 

Anyway, I hope that "The Climb" becomes a little less hard soon, but am trying to learn to enjoy it. Please bear with me and pray for me as I know you have done before. 

~Christy

As the Days Fly By

I can't believe that it has been over a month since Christmas. It's a week into February! 

2011 has started out pretty well. There have definitely been hiccups in the system, but for the most part it has been pretty good so far. 

Dan has worked at his job with the state for almost 6 years. He has applied for promotions and other jobs steadily during this time. Well, during the first part of January he applied and interviewed for a Senior Agent position on his current team and he got it! Finally he was starting to move up instead of straight across in his job. Although, the moving around gave him some good, much needed experience that likely gave him the boost to get this position. We are very excited about this and it will be a good thing for our family. Right now he has to do both his new and old job until they decide to replace him, so he is super busy and learning a lot. He has done quite a lot of photography in the past couple of months and has 2 weddings coming up. He does a good job, just has a different style than many out there. 

I've been doing OK. I started finding ways to get back to the pool because I think it helps me in so many ways physically and emotionally that I decided one day that it was something I had to do. 2 weeks ago I broke my baby toe and 2 bones in my foot by just taking off my sock and catching my toe in the cuff of my pants. This made me decide to have my bone density checked and it looks as if I have some pretty old bones. While this sounds terrible, I have been told that this may be part of the cause for some of the things that have been going on for the past 5 years, that it has just seemed to get worse lately. I will most likely be taking some pretty good supplements soon, but that is a fine price for me to pay to finally have some peace of mind. My dog is getting old and is not well. I worry every morning about waking up to find him no longer with us. He's only like 8 years old, but is sick. I worry about him a lot. The cat is just his normal Diva self. He wants to play with the dog, but the dog wants no part of it. I love my pets.

Kyler has had an interesting month. He got to spend 5 days in Las Vegas and some other places. He seemed to have fun, but also has a hard time knowing how to make it all the way from start to finish of these things without having something weird happen. Oh well. He broke up with his girlfriend not wanting to be in a place he wasn't ready for yet, which we admire, but she was a very good thing for him so we are sort of sad, and so is she. His tick has returned and he's been having some not so good affects of his sickness, but we are switching things up and I think he;s improving a little each day. He's actually doing pretty good for a 17 year old boy with the problems and issues he has to live and deal with. 

Megan is learning the ins and outs of high school. She has a real struggle with math, but is working at it and doing pretty well for the most part. She's a pretty happy girl for the most part. She received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday. I have been encouraging this for a while in the hopes that it might give my kids some direction in their lives. 

Aubree is doing pretty well in most things with her life. She is having a struggle as well with some of her grades, but continues to work on it. She also received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday and has really embraced it. Makes me happy that she seems to understand what it really means. 

Jake is just Jake. He misses football. He gets bored A LOT! He's doing well in school. Not a lot going on with him. 

Our family is doing it's best to move ahead from the many things we have been dealing with over the last while. We know we're not perfect and that there are many things we can improve on, but we do love each other and will make it through one way or the other. 

~Christy

2010

It's New Years Eve for 2010 and I have been thinking about the past year and the many things that have gone on during it. It has been an eventful year filled with a lot of ups and downs and trials and accomplishments. Much like a roller coaster.

I guess you could say this year started off with a bang or something. Aubree, who is a major drama queen had been complaining of a migraine for a while. Like I said, she likes the drama, so I pretty much didn't believe her when she repeatedly complained of a headache. Especially since I know what migraines do to a person and she wasn't seeming to be that sick. Anyway, she had been complaining all through church one Sunday that she was sick and her head hurt, I told her it was because she hadn't eaten because of Fast Sunday and that she would live. Finally I decided to take her to the doctor just so he would tell her she was fine. Man was I surprised!! He said that she had at least something called Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, which is a swollen eye socket and that there was a real possibility that she had a brain tumor. A young girl in our neighborhood had just died from a brain tumor, so this was a very scary thought to us. After a few days of not knowing, she had an MRI which showed NO TUMOR. Just severe swelling behind her eye, which it was determined was caused by a reaction to an antibiotic she had taken. She is on maintenance meds for headaches now, but has pretty much been fine since. That was the big "down" thing in January. Also in January we made the decision that I was going to have a gastric bypass so as to finally be able to lose some weight and prolong my life. I had tried pretty much everything I could, so this was the next thing, and hopefully the last. So that was an "up" happening.

February brought quite a lot of heartache as Megan was assaulted. Something we had hoped and prayed would never happen to anyone we knew, let a lone one of our kids. I can't say much about it, other than she has not been the same since. She has done all of the counseling and such and does pretty well, but it changed her life, and not for the better. Not to mention that the authorities that were supposed to be there to help us didn't for the most part, so we were just left doing it by ourselves, with the help of a neighbor. I can't remember anything "up" for February, I try to not remember a lot from then.

March was a pretty exciting month. We were preparing for my surgery that was to be on the 29th. Also, Dan was doing a lot of home improvement, painting and such. He had designed and had a pot hanger made and hung it up and was painting the kitchen ceiling when I started to have what appeared to be a horrible cold. I couldn't have a cold, I was having surgery. Well, after I was barely able to breath I went to the doc one Sunday and my oxygen was so low they were freaking out wondering how I was conscious. After 2 breathing treatments, they determined that the fumes from the paint primer that was used caused a severe reaction with my airway and caused a severe asthma attack. So in turn, my surgery was postponed 6 days before it was to happen and after I was a day into the liquid diet. It was hard to take, but I did it.  Kyler turned 16 on the 31st of March. That was kind of an interesting experience as it made me look back to my 16th birthday and see how different we are and the difference in the places we are/were at that point. Not to mention, am I really old enough to have a 16 year old child?? 

April came and I did have my surgery which went fabulously. Within one week from surgery I was off of all my medications and had lost around 20 pounds. Things seemed pretty good at this point. 

A little earlier in the year Dan got a new camera. He has been a photographer his entire life, nothing professional, but has love taking pictures and has a real talent for it. He was the historian for the Youth Pioneer Trek they were to go on in June, so that was his excuse for needing a new fancy camera ;-) He was enjoying taking picture of me and my transformation after surgery. He took a before picture or two and then for the most part takes one every 12th of each month to show the changes. He also found some groups that would let him get some experience and start to build a portfolio so he could maybe start to make a little money doing his hobby that he loves. This has sort of proved to be a double edged sword, but I am glad he is able to do it. He really is very good at it.

May was fairly uneventful. We had some more testing done with Kyler and got a few more answers into the mystery of him, but other than that not much happened.

June brought the trek. This trek was a year or more in planning and was fairly costly as we had 3 youth and Dan going on it. It was really an experience for them though and all are glad they were able to go. Dan took over 1600 pictures to document it and everyone was very pleased.   Megan had a babysitting job for the summer, Kyler

July was fairly uneventful until the end, when I fell and ended up in an ambulance and at the ER because of losing feeling on my right side again. Also, it was the beginning of some pretty scary things going on in regards to spirituality and beliefs in our home. It has been extremely hard trying to get things back to what has been the "Norm" around here. Our "norm" is nothing like any other family's anyway, but it has been a challenge. 

Near the end of July Dan and I made the decision to apply our 3 oldest kids to Maeser Preparatory Academy. Our hope was to be able to get them out of the somewhat "socially focused" public school system and let them be able to focus on school. We really have nothing against the regular public school system, but we knew Kyler needed some kind of a different experience and that it could only benefit the others as well. 

August came and Jake started school and is in the 4th grade. We still waited until at least the middle of the month to find out if the kids got in to Maeser, but they did, so they didn't start school until September 7th. Jake was the only one going then. I had lost a little over 70 pounds in those 4 months and was feeling pretty good. Dan and I were still struggling to hold things together, but loved each other enough to work on it.

September brought all kids in school. It is the real Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Until things happen and it ruins what seemed to be everything. This was another month that brought a lot of heartache to our family. Dan at this point decided that he was not going to participate in the church any longer. I understand his feelings and he has been judged very harshly, but we cannot come to agreement on this still. Life sort of seemed like it had be turned upside down at this point and shaken vigorously. 

On a positive note though, the kids loved their new school and things were going great there. Megan made the volleyball team and loves it, and Aubree played volleyball on the charter league for the middle school.

My nephew Cody was in a horrific car accident and almost lost his life. He spent a few days in very grave condition and in a coma, but recovered physically very quickly and well. As far as the sheer brain injury, it's going to be a long time before he can recover from that, if ever, but all we can do is love him and hope for the best. Watching my sister go through this was very personal to me. Kyler and Cody have a lot of the same issues. Cody's are far worse, but it is still hard to deal with.

October was interesting. Dan continued to build his portfolio. It seems that the happenings of September rolled over into October. Dan lost his job at UVU that he had been at for a while. This was a pretty extreme hit to us as Kyler lost his job there as well. It was not a happy experience. Financially, this was a huge hit and emotionally as it was very closely tied to the September happenings and were just simply done by people thinking they are on a higher plain.  There is enough responsibility to go all the way around. That's all I can say about that.

Kyler became involved in ballroom dance at school and was able to go to Cedar City and participate in the Shakespearean Festival. They did very well in the competition. This was also the month that he tried out and made the cheer team as a yell leader. Very good things were happening for him at his new school and he still struggled academically, but every other way is 200% better.

Jake had been playing football on the Timpanogos team of the UVFL. Their team went all the way to the championship game. The day before this game Jake broke his wrist (of course playing football at school) and he was the back up center for another boy out of town. This was devastating to Jake, as he had to watch his team lose the game and couldn't do anything to help. We told him that there is always next year.

November was fairly uneventful. Not much happened. We had Thanksgiving at my parents house. Dan had surgery on his other foot. Hated the cast, but is happy that the horrible pain is gone.

December has been an interesting month. On the 7th Dan's Grandmother passed away. She was 88 years old and had spent 11 years without her husband. We had several Christmas parties and events and birthdays this month. Aubree turned 13 on the 15th. All of Dan's family were able to come in this year. They were here for the funeral of his grandmother on the 18th. We had a nice time with them. Dan did family pictures on the 17th at the UVU library and then we came home and had dinner and a party. The funeral was on the 18th, then we came home and played games, then it was my and Jim's birthday on the 19th so we had a birthday party. Dan had invited some friends and neighbors and family. It was nice. On the 20th we were on our way to Dan's cousins house in Springville when we hit a bunch of potholes and then finally hit one that blew the tire. We pulled off, changed it and proceeded and which time we hit another and blew that tire. Dan and I didn't make it to the party, we spent the entire evening in the snow with my dad trying to get home. We finally made it, but only after a tow, and A LOT of money worth of damage and being in the cold forever. 

Christmas was low key here this year. We just didn't have the $$ or energy to do any more. We really appreciate the unknowns who left us little things on our porch and gave us things for Christmas. They really made a huge difference in our ability to feel the Christmas Spirit. 

I of course got really sick on Sunday, which I have seemed to get over that for the most part, but then I got this very bad pain in my right side and have had tests over and over since. They of course cannot figure out what it is, but I think they messed with it enough that it has lightened up the pain a little. We'll just wait and hope it goes away. Otherwise I will probably end up having another surgery. 

Anyway, 2010 has been good and not so good, but we are hoping that the change of a decade will bring a change of many things. The past one has been very scary so we can only hope for the best. We are all fairly healthy and happy and that's what is important. 

Happy New Year and my wish is a wonderful 2011 to all!

~Christy

Merry Christmas

So I have had a very hard time getting into the Christmas spirit again this year. It really bothers me that I can't seem to get there, but at least I'm trying. 

I am grateful for the love and support that we have been shown especially in the last little while. We are in what seems to be a decade of trial, but this decade will be over in a few short days and I am hoping that the next one will bring us less trial and more happiness. I have thought a lot (even more than usual) about Christmas and the real meaning lately. While my family won't be getting much for Christmas this year, my hope is that at least they know that they have a home to be in with a loving family. We aren't perfect, but are trying our best. 

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year and wish you all a wonderful 2011. 

Christy 

"Life Has Hit Another Pothole" Or 3

So I haven't posted a lot this year because I have been trying to post positive things and well, if I don't have positive things to say then I don't post. You get the idea ;-) 

This past year, 2010, has been very hard. The past 5 years have been hard, but this one was different. The previous 4 years were physically hard with sickness and pain and just trying to adjust to things. Many had been hospitalized etc. While I will not downplay those experiences,  or the continuing pain, etc., the past year has been very hard emotionally. Things have seemed to fall apart in regards to thoughts and beliefs, finances, self worthiness, and just pretty much everything overall. I have really tried to make my best effort to be positive and look for the good in things this year. I know that as human beings we will have trials throughout our lives and that apparently this is our time in life to have them. They just seem to pile on right now instead of us learning to get through them and move forward. I have learned to not ask how things could get worse. When I do, I learn just exactly how they can. I am wondering though what it is I/we haven't learned that will make things lighter. It really seems as though when things are getting better we have an equally hard or harder thing happen. 

This year we put our 3 oldest kids in a charter school in the hopes that it would improve their school experience. This really turned out to be a HUGE blessing. They have excelled there in so many ways.  Especially Kyler. He hasn't had any feeling of self worth or acceptance for a long time and has it there. Right now though all 3 are struggling academically and we can't seem to make them understand that they are intelligent and capable to do the things they are expected to do. It's hard to feel bad about this as they are doing so much better in every other way there. We just don't know how to help them in this regard. This is an example of how good things/blessings come and there is an equal or worse thing to make it hard. 

So this past weekend Dan's family has been here for a visit. It has been a nice weekend. A lot of "partying", some things not so fun. We had a funeral for his grandma last Saturday, but otherwise it has been pretty nice. This is something that is another good thing/blessing happening, then something bad has to happen. We were going to a Family Home Evening at Dan's cousins house last night when we hit a pothole on the freeway and it blew a fairly new tire out. Thank goodness Dan knows what he's doing or it could have been a much worse situation. We pulled off the freeway where Dan changed the tire and we proceeded on our way. Less than 2 exits further we hit another pothole and blew the spare, but could not get off of the road (because of the "luge" situation with construction) and had to drive it a little ways. This tire is totally shredded. The rim on it is completely mutilated. Dan's parents and brother were following us and saw what happened and took the kids with them, which we were very thankful for. We then called my dad which came with another spare tire. We were on the freeway off ramp for a little under 2 hours, at which point a UHP officer finally stopped and when Dan explained to him what happened his answer was " Well, watch out for those potholes" and then sat and ran the license plates to see if he could catch us with warrants or something. No such luck for him...UGH.  Aren't they supposed to help you?? Just wondering.  We then managed to get to a gas station at which point the spare my dad brought went flat. After some time of trying to figure out what to do next (all of the tire places were closed) my dad was able to use a road hazard he carries and get the car towed to a tire store.  We aren't sure and are trying to be hopeful about the tire and the car, but are cautiously aware that this could be pretty bad. That car hit the pavement more than once and those tires are in pretty bad shape. Thank goodness Dan knew what to do to protect us. Blowing tires in the dark on a snowy, under-construction freeway is pretty scary.

We are so grateful to everyone, including AAA for being generous and helping us in our ongoing, seemingly endless, time of need. All we can do is let you all know of our appreciation and gratitude and hope that 2011 is going to be a good year for us.  We  really are trying to get it together. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family and for all of the many acts of service and everything else that has been for us. We are truly blessed with a good family and friends. Keep them coming!!

~Christy

The Stereotypical Thanksgiving Post

So I woke up at around 3:30 this morning in a panic about something and haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I thought I would put in writing some of the things I am thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family. Even though it doesn't seem like it all of the time I really am thankful for Dan, Kyler, Megan, Aubree, Jake, and of course Buddy and Tazzy. I know it seems a little cheesy to include the dog and cat in this list, but they really are very special and important to me. Non judgmental and soft and furry. They just love me no matter what. I may complain and feel bad about situations in my home that I am dealing with, but I LOVE MY KIDS! I waited a long time for them and I know that things will turn out. We just have to get through these teenage years so we can all remember the love. I am so proud of them for who they are and their accomplishments. 

I LOVE DAN!! The past few years, and especially the past year have been a huge challenge for us, but we love each other so much and will make it through some how. Dan is what I dreamed of always. He works hard for us and loves us. He would do anything for us. Getting the person of your dreams does happen, sometimes they fall in your lap. Or in my case show up by accident ;-) I just hope he remembers how much we love and appreciate him. I don't know if I would still be here if Dan had not been there to hold me up, sometimes literally. I just wish I was able to return the favor. I just wish he knew of the love I have for him.

I am thankful for both of our extended families. It is very much an interesting and somewhat unique dynamic between all of us, but it is all centered and based on love. Even when we disagree. I watched my family pull together in times of need this year, and it was heart warming to see just what we can do when we remember who we are and who's we are. Just thankful that we still have all of the family here with us. Many have helped us in so many ways over the past years and I hope they know it has not gone un-noticed.

I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through everything. Those who still love and care about us even with our faults. I am so grateful to have good neighbors. We have had some scary ones in the past and it's wonderful to have nice good people to live by. I'm thankful for a wonderful loving home teacher (you know who you are) that has been there for us in ways we cannot share. We love you just as if you were our family.

I am thankful for my home. It's a humble home, but it's all that we need and is comfortable and especially this year I am grateful to have it. I am luckier than so many people who don't have one. I am also thankful that Dan has a job. It's not his dream job, but it is a job and it's more than many have right now. I am also thankful for good doctors who truly try to help me and my family. I am actually looking forward to a longer future because of some skills of these men and women. They have also used those skills on many family and friends who may not have been with us this Thanksgiving otherwise.

 I am thankful for my knowledge of the gospel. I know that this is probably not the forum for testimony, but it is what has pulled me through some very hard things in my life, especially during the past few years and definitely the last few months. It really is the only hope that holds me up some days. Yes, I have my times that I am not as strong as I should be in this, but the roots are there. 

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and holiday season. 

~Christy

7 Months

These are a few pics of me at 7 months post surgery. I am sort of stuck at around -85 pounds. I have 5 months to lose 15 in order to hit my goal. According to the docs and their "ideals" I have around -40 more pounds to go altogether. I'm hoping, but am also realistic. I will be very happy at the -100. Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself in this way. I can wear Aubree's pants!!! I was able to find clothes I can wear in a normal place today and a few times lately. I am very happy about this. 

OK, here are the pics...

Not Sure Why I'm Here

I know, I'm not supposed to write about things on here that aren't positive and uplifting, but sometimes there just isn't much else to say but the feelings in my heart. Some tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, that I am just pessimistic or something. Really I am not a negative person, I have just had so many things go on for such a long time that it sometimes comes to a point where I can't look at things and be positive. 

I'm not sure how to get some of this out without making some one feel bad, or worry some, and for this I am`sorry, but I can't just keep everything in all of the time because I don't want to hurt some one. I certainly don't seem to get the same consideration from many. 

I am at a point in my life where I am struggling to find my meaning. It seems that my calling in life is to bear every one's burdens and do it with a smile. While I would love to have the strength and ability to do this, the reality is that I don't have those things and it's not my responsibility to bear everyone elses burdens. I do my best to help my family and friends, but I am carrying a very huge load of my own and simply can't carry it all. 

I have been in counseling for several years now. It has really helped me in this area. The problem now is that so many of those that have encouraged the counseling don't like the person I have become. I have been counseled to not carry feelings, to let it out when I don't agree. That I should stand up for what I feel to be right. This is where I feel I have a strength. I am a very "go by my gut" person. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. At least not for me. That is how I am. I don't think everyone is, nor should be the same. There has to be different personalities or there would be no purpose for people to exist. One of my biggest issues I'm dealing with right now is that I have started in the last several years to stand up for myself instead of cowering and people really don't like it. It's really heard when the same people who wanted me to get counseling don't like what I'm being taught. It's as if they just wanted me to get straightened out so I could deal with cowering, not actually learn and gain strength from it. 

As many of you know there have been a lot of things change in our home and family in the last few months. This I feel is almost a bigger trial than what I thought was the biggest trial of my life. I feel like our family is falling apart. Not only our immediate family that lives here in our home, but our entire family on both sides. We seem to be being tried from every side. It has become a situation where a gathering cannot happen without there being a situation where people must "pick sides" to be able to feel they are part of the family. This type of thing has no place in a family. I realize that here in my home I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which are girls and that there is a dynamic in teenage life that is simply argumentative, but these kids have taken it to a whole new level. I'm not sure I can salvage a relationship there. They are mean and hateful to each other, and to me. I am told on a regular basis that I have no idea what life is like for them and that I don't care. That I just want to yell and scream at them. I have been pretty good to them I think. I know they don't really mean a lot of what they say, but I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually do feel that way. That I really am just a pain in their rear ends. I have spent countless hours at school, at home and many other places trying to make sure they have everything they need and much of what they want. Even Jake has started letting me know of all my faults lately. I really feel very much unloved by my kids. It breaks my heart that my kids feel this way about me. I still move on everyday, hoping that that day will be better. My hope is fading. I love my kids and my family. Just feel like it isn't reciprocated very much. 

I feel lost and frustrated when it comes to Kyler. He is a good kid with many issues himself to deal with. We have to have a firm hand with him, but it doesn't seem to work very well anymore with him. He simply doesn't get it and then feels bad when things don't work out. The frustration level with trying to understand and help him is so high right now, I find myself crying at various times throughout a day just to have one good day, or minute for that matter, with him and for him to gain some understanding of why he's in some of the situations he's in. It's very hard to keep doing things to help when you know it isn't helping. But if I stop trying to help, then I have given up on him. Something I will never do, but sometimes don't have the strength to keep the hope going . I love Kyler. I just have to try and remember that it isn't really him talking much of the time. This is not an easy task when I am being torn down to an inch tall and told how terrible I am on a regular basis. 

Then there is Dan. I love Dan, Dan loves me. We have just come to a point where we have some pretty major differences on things. I am painfully aware that the reason our home is in chaos is because we are not able to be in agreement on many things. Throughout our marriage we have been very careful to not let our kids be in the middle of things when we disagree. Lately we can't seem to agree on much though, so our kids are stuck "picking sides" like a mentioned before in regards to the big family. I am feeling quite vulnerable and insecure when it comes to Dan. I really don't feel I know where I stand with him anymore. We really need some time away to regain some perspective and remember why we chose each other. This is something important to do, time away, but there is no way to get it right now, and there is pretty much no hope of it in the even distant future. We can't even go out on a Friday night. Our situation won't let us. If we take time for us, we lose something. I believe this is the most worried I have been in regards to us ever.  I know that Dan has had a lot to deal with and that I am not the easiest person to love sometimes. Especially since I got sick, but I am still the same person I have always been, I'm just more open when it comes to standing up for what I feel and believe in. We are of opposite opinions in how to deal with so much now, which in the past has been a good thing, because we have been able to take our opinions and put them together and come up with "our" solutions. We have had unwavering support for each other, even in disagreement. I think that is where we are lacking now, and it's scary to feel unsupported. Not to mention that our outer support system seems to have left us. Although, Dan won't let it in, and I count on it, so it can't work like that.

Pressures in life are inevitable, but sometimes they are so great that we simply cannot handle them on our own. Also, just because things keep getting worse, doesn't necessarily mean we have done something to earn them. This is a huge deal with us right now. We have tried to be good people and do good and right things and feel somewhat unsure about why things are happening to us the way they are.  We need love and compassion and support in the fact that we are trying to make it through the best way we can. It seems though that much of the "support" we get is by letting us know of our faults. So the question is how we are supposed to keep a positive attitude if we are always doing everything wrong. Anyone have an idea on how to do that?  

I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately, asking for help and guidance. Sometimes to just get through the day. It does help. I am just aware that I can't do it all alone. That is what I feel now though. A lot of loneliness. Many offer to help in whatever way they can. I take the help where I feel I can, but want to keep what's left of my happy home as well, so I have to turn some of it away. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I hope that people understand. Now more than  many times in the past, I need friends and support. I know you're all there and I do appreciate it. It's what keeps me going. I hope this doesn't turn you away, that is not what I have meant to do. I just have to get it out sometimes.

~Christy