I Hope to Be Half the Person I Am Now

Things around here are crazy as always. Everyone going all different directions. There are days that when I lay my head down on the pillow I am out faster than flipping a switch, unfortunately, there are other days that I cannot sleep because of the thoughts running around in my mind.

It looks like pretty soon I will be having a gastric Bypass. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's where they make your stomach into a small pouch and re-route your small intestines to the pouch. It makes it so you can only eat 4-6 oz at a time. This is pretty much the only way I am ever going to be able to lose weight. I have tried a lot of things, and the lack of being able to strenuously exercise has made it all but impossible. I will still have to exercise after this, but doing what I already am doing is sufficient. I was told yesterday that I would be scheduled as soon as they can get a couple more blood test results. So probably by the end of the week I will know more. I know that everyone has their own experiences and opinions about this and that you only have my best interests at heart, but what I am asking of everyone is that you support me through this as I have thought long and hard about this, I have prayed, I have seen doctors and done a lot of research and I as well as Dan feel this is what's best for me. I need to have the knowledge that I have done everything I can possibly do to help myself with my other issues. I will need your help and support for a little while.

Making the decision to have this surgery has pushed me to do some things that I didn't really ever think I would be able to do. I have been 8 days with no caffeine or carbonation. Many of you know that caffeine has been a pain management system for me. I just decided I had better deal with that situation before the surgery. I will have enough to recover from without having that on top of it. This week I am starting on a small level doing the meal replacement (protein shakes) and a multi vitamin. I'm starting slow, but will work up to more as the week before surgery I will have to only eat these and liquids. This morning has been OK. I actually think it may have helped my headache. I woke up with a horrible one that was making me nauseous. I don't feel great, but better. Hopefully by doing it this way, I am not only preparing, but breaking some habits that I have battled for a very long time.

During the last few weeks interesting things have happened. I was sitting in church 3 weeks ago when I started getting a horrific pain down my leg. After trying to just adjust how I was sitting a few times I decided to come home. This is such a hard thing for me. I know the drill with this. After the horrific pain and swelling, the next step is losing function all together. I couldn't believe this was happening again. I went through a couple of days really not knowing what to do and very much in despair. How could this be happening? Again? Well, the function came back, it's not great, but I can walk. Also during this time I had been dealing with what everyone thought was an infection. Well, after taking an entire round of antibiotics, it came back with a vengeance. Long story short, I had Ecoli poisoning. No idea where it came form or how long I had it, but they put me on a super antibiotic (same stuff they were giving the anthrax victims) and now I am doing better.

We are trying hard to stay upbeat. It's hard sometimes, but we're really working on it. We just keep hoping that the full court press will be coming to an end soon for us.

Thanks to all of you who have checked up on us and shown some concern. Support and friendship and love is what keeps us going.

~Christy

Phew!!!

January is quickly becoming the scary month of every year. Specifically the second half of January. The new year starts off well, but by that 3rd week we are preparing ourselves. Last year Kyler was so sick he almost didn't make it, but got better. Major allergic reaction to medication. Well, this year Aubree started complaining weeks ago that she was having "migraines". Being the drama queen she is and thinking she was just wanting attention, I ignored her pleas. Her complaints were exactly the same as mine. It just didn't sound sincere.....Well, she wasn't wrong. I finally took her to the doctor last week and the doctor informed me that she either had a possible reaction to meds called Psuedo Tumor Cerebri, or an actual brain tumor. Extreme swelling behind her eyes, especially her right eye. Having hearing problems with her right ear, and having some pretty major mood swings. Talk about feeling the guilt!!! Well, after 8 days of wondering, she had an MRI and it was clarified that she does not have a tumor. She does however have this pseudo thing and it is quite scary alone. It exactly mimics a tumor. There is severe swelling, etc. They are currently treating her for it and the expectation is that she will be fine in a few weeks. It is very rare (There seems to be no other kind of sickness in this family) and they aren't sure but suspect the medication she was on for causing it. (Also seems to be the thing in this family).

I have tried very hard to stay in perspective and not freak out about all of this. I did pretty well until last night and today. Just couldn't take it anymore. In a 24 hour period, Jake came down with Croup and was gasping for air all night, Dan needed to see a doc for the lingering horrible cough he has, I have an infection, and Kyler was complaining of feeling under the weather. That with the Aubree stuff, well lets just say I was not thinking really straight. I am sooooooooo glad to know that there is not anything foreign growing inside her head. I have had 8 days to ponder what I would or wouldn't do if the answer was different. I truly believe that we were all spared for a couple of reasons. First- I really don't think I could have handled it (So God didn't give it) and Second - there was an immense amount of thoughts and prayers sent out for Aubree and our family over the last few days. I am very grateful for the knowledge I have of the power of prayer and for the power of many, especially in prayer.

Thanks so much to the Talbert family for bringing us dinner when I was in no place to think of it and to all of you who thought of us and prayed for us. We felt an outpouring of love from many.

Hopefully, next post will be a happy uplifting post. It's about time for us to have one of these experiences.

~Christy

It's 2010 !

Well, 2009 was an interesting year for our family. It brought happiness, sorrow, hardship, surprises, questions, you name it, I think it happened in 2009. I can't say that I am not happy it's over, it was almost too much at times, but there were some good things that happened, but I am looking forward and hoping for 2010 to be our year. Whatever that means.

2008 left me without the use of my right arm. Just like the preceding years, the day after Christmas left me this way again. It was not an easy thing to deal with. Wondering why it was always that day. It was at that point that many of the docs had decided that I probably had MS. I started taking a steroid like they wanted me to, but ended up in horrific pain and it didn't help much. Then there was a long time of many docs that were supposed to be "EXPERTS" that turned out to do nothing for me. Then on January 23rd, about 3 weeks after Kyler was diagnosed with Tourettes, he got really sick. Like I had never seen before. He was running a high fever (106 degrees) couldn't eat, drink, or sleep. Had this weird rash from his head down to his knees and his eyes were so weirdly colored I can't describe. I took him to the doc that had prescribed the new meds because I was pretty sure it had to be a reaction of some kind. She said he had some kind of infection and to take him to the pediatrician. That reactions to meds didn't cause fever. Being very upset at this point, I took him directly to the pediatrician who did a bunch of blood work and such. Long story short, after fighting with the ped's nurse for 3 days, he was admitted to the hospital. He was having what I think was a seizure when we arrived there. His temp was still hanging out at 106 because he couldn't keep anything down to work on it. After spending several days in the hospital, they informed us that he had had a very serious reaction to the meds called Steven's Johnson Syndrome and that he probably only had 12 hours or less to live. After a week in there, he came home and has seemed to be OK in that way. During this time as well, Dan had applied for a job in St. George and we were looking at moving.

Fast forward to March. Dan and I took a trip to St. George and down to Vegas. We had a good time, but as we came home, m leg decided that it didn't want to work anymore. Dan had made arrangements so that I was up and moving around a lot so this didn't happened, but it did anyway. My leg has never returned to normal. Everyone was doing OK at this point of the year except me.

Fast forward to May. I had my first Social Security Hearing. It was not a good experience. Lost A LOT of hope there. Kids got out of school and there was the summer. Kyler spent most of the summer in football training. Tore his hamstring 1 week before the season started. Had a rough season. In August I had another SS hearing. This one was much better. We had a good experience and on September 4th I received the approval letter. This was a good thing as I was then finally able to have some security and validation for the pain and suffering of me and my family over the past few years. The plan had been to move too St. George by August first, but things changed and we didn't go. We're still here for the duration I guess.

September brought Volleyball for Megan and Football for Jake as well. We were some busy people for a while. Both of there teams went to the playoffs and far into them. We were able to receive some back pay from SS during this time of the year and were finally able to pay off some things. We still owe a few people, but things have seemed to level out somewhat. We had a good Thanksgiving and a great Christmas.

We have started 2010 in true Hansen fashion. Kyler has a shoulder separation from wrestling and I have been having severe migraines and pain over much of my body, but we are moving along and hoping for a very good 2010.

I hope that everyone has a good year. Things have to look up right?

~Christy

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to post a quick Merry Christmas to all of you! We love and appreciate all of you and yours. You love and friendships enrich our lives MUCH!

~Christy and Dan and the rest of us

Christmas

Since I was a little girl, Christmas was the greatest, most fun time of the year. I always had a blast helping put up decorations and decorating the tree. There were parties and just general "good cheer" all around. For about the last I'd say about 10 years, I have not seemed to be able to have the same "happy" feelings as before. Now I know that as we grow older and more mature (I know I'm getting older, not sure about the other yet) that we change roles and it's about making our kids and others feel those happy feelings. This is where I start to feel very inadequate. I no longer have the physical or emotional ability to deal with many of the things that go along with this. I'm not fond of shopping, can't cook very much, (I used to be the hostess all of the time), and my kids and Dan have to hang the decorations. Even wrapping presents becomes a literal painful experience. My poor Megan has had to take on WAY more than any 14 year old should have to. I really want to have those feelings back. I can't teach my family how they should be feeling at Christmas if I can't put myself there.

This time of year has become very scary for me. Not only is it a time of year that I become physically unstable on my feet, even more than usual, but it is the time of year that I have had a relapse of the original "strokelike" event. At least for the last 3 years. I know that the weather is a huge part of this, but I have paid very close attention to life happenings since this happened to me, and have decided much of it is that it is the time of year where I try to be most normal. I want to be involved in things like I have been in the past. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to be involved, if not, I would probably go crazy or die. But after I had been singing at some event 4 nights out of 7 like last week, that this is a huge part of my neck and head pain. I love to sing. I do it anyway and then pay the price later. Also, it is a really hard reality for me to not be able to play the piano the way I know I have been able to in the past. I appreciate those who are believing in me and asking me to play. It makes me feel much more a part of things, even though I know I can't give them the best that I have known I could before. My fingers and arm swell after doing pretty much nothing, so therefore not only is my coordination while playing off, my fingers don't move like they should.

I wish I had a picture of our Christmas tree this year. I don't remember EVER having a tree as loaded with presents as this one. We finally had the financial means to give our kids a very good Christmas. We have probably gone way overboard, but we have never had one like this before, and probably will never again. The idea behind it is to have at least this year that our kids will remember. They have gone without a lot in the past. Not that things are what's important, but they are a little. We have encouraged our kids to do service projects, especially at Christmas, every year, this year included. We hope that it will instill at least a little bit the reason for the season. Jake was sick during the first major snow storm this year and it was really hard for him to not be able to shovel all of the neighborhood driveways. I don't know why, but this year it has seemed to be really hard to find opportunities. Wonder if we are not looking in the right places. It just seems like much of the world has become very ornery and bitter. It's very hard not to fall in to this. We were at the store the other day and all 4 kids had done their shopping, with their own money and when we left they all wanted to put their change in the Salvation Army bucket. It was a proud moment, until I heard some one say, why would that mom let her child go all the way back there just to put in a quarter? To my 8 year old son, that quarter was a sacrifice for some one else. Why would some one want to diminish that feeling he was having of helping some one he didn't know with what he had to give. I don't think he heard it, at least I hope not. I guess maybe I am having a depression spell, but I was proud of my kids for that moment, and proud of Dan and I for doing something right in teaching them. I don't feel adequate to my job very often anymore.

Well, I'm sorry that this has been a pretty sad post, filled with sorrow. I long for the old days of people remembering what Christmas is all about. My wish for all of you is that you have a very wonderful Christmas with family and friends and loved ones. May we all find that inner child at this time of year !

Love to you all- Christy

If it doesn't work by clicking on it, copy and paste in to your address box. Very good things to remember at this time of year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PURToRRq7gM

MJ vs B Russ

My Comments of the Flash owners blog.

Good thing that gambling in Utah is illegal - everyone would want their money back if they don't win. What a bunch of whiners. With the exception of a few people that said that someone in the ticket office told them that Jordan was there, everyone else went on the assumption, or the gamble that he would be there. This game was promoted as "WILL HE SHOW?" Most of the people said that they would never but another ticket - they never bought a ticket before - I cannot believe you are offended that he was not there. Lighten up, if you missed a Jazz game and gambled that he might show up, get over it!!! If you watched the Flash come back from a halftime deficit to win the game in an exciting finish, then you got your moneys worth and should come back and enjoy another game. Every sports fan in Utah knows that there is a dnba team in Utah county now - come and enjoy the family friendly entertainment at a good price. B Russ stayed and autographed stuff for the fans after the game, and people who's expectations were not unrealistic had a good time. Thanks Brandt.

-Dan

They Didn't See the Forgotten Carols

Dan has worked at the McKay Center for several years now. He is always gone working, almost constantly during this time of year. Concert and games avail. He starts in like October trying to find out which concert or whatever I want to see. I am an avid music lover, so the concerts are very cool for me. I have seen Kurt Bestor every year,( it's been just knowledge that I was going to see him) and this year when he chose to not do a show at MEC, I started wondering what else I would like to see. I had never seen the Forgotten Carols and had often wondered what it was all about, so that is what I asked for. I have to say, I can't believe I've missed it in years before this. I love the music of KB, but Michael McLean stole KB's title. This show is a miraculous thing that pulls you out of whatever place you're in and plants you in a better place. There was mention afterward about how civil the traffic jam was. I said that everyone was in the Christmas Spirit and a mood for giving and that's why. If it had been a loud basketball game, things would be different. I do truly believe this. I have left many a game there, and have never been just happily let into a line of cars afterward. I had noticed in years past , that Dan always came home filled with a different spirit after working one of these. Now I know why. Kyler also got to experience it this time as he was working.

Let me explain a little about this show. It's about a person who through their trials in life has become very closed and emotionless. Even ornery. The show takes you through a series of things and this person is encouraged to find their "Carol". It's all about looking inside ourselves to find out who we are and show love. To find our 'Carol". Afterward, Michael McLean comes out and talks and plays some more songs. Then he has everyone sing together. It has really had an impact on my thoughts. I am trying to look inside me and find my "Carol".

My sister came and picked me up last weekend and took me out for an afternoon. It was much needed and much appreciated. I have been so busy this month and needed the reprieve. The traffic and attitudes on the roads that day were horrible. I mentioned to her that none of these people had seen the Forgotten Carols and that's why they were so ornery. She laughed, and now this is a standard statement when we come across this attitude.

This time of year is very scary for me. All of my major relapses have been during December. Mostly do to the cold weather. Plus, I am not completely stable on my feet anymore, so the snow and ice make things a little treacherous. I have really tried this year to bury myself in service. I have days that I've done WAY too much physically and have to take some time to recover, but emotionally, trying help some one else who may be struggling has made a way for me to get out of my own struggles and feel good about myself for a while. Plus usually the person or persons I have been helping feel better, so it's good all the way around. I am very happy to be included and given some responsibility in my ward. I know that people were just looking out for me before, but it has been hard to not have much responsibility. I feel more included now. I can't do a lot physically, but I'm good at planning and organizing. This year alone I have been in on the planning of at least 3 Christmas parties, and a birthday bash. Family ones included. I'm not so sure that my kids are happy about doing the leg work, but it's good for them :-)

I am so profoundly grateful, especially this year, for the love of my family and friends. Especially Dan, and my kids. It's been a very rough year for me personally, and I would not have made it through this far if it weren't for them. I hope that they feel of my love and appreciation. I am grateful for this season, and for the reasons we celebrate it. I am working on looking to a brighter future, even if it means experiencing it from afar.

May All of You Find Your "Carol"

~Christy

PS- I typed this a 4 AM, I hope it's understandable :-)

What I am Grateful For...

I am so grateful for my family. I know that they don't always know it and that things get crazy, but I am very grateful for the opportunity to have a family. I often wonder how I deserve the chance to have my family. I just hope I have done and continue to do a good job with them.

I don't know if I will ever be able to find the words to express how grateful I am for Dan. He is simply wonderful. I know it has been especially hard the past few years dealing with my/our situation, but he is somehow able to take a deep breath and go to it. He takes care of me and our kids so wonderfully. We don't always see eye to eye, but we are the completion of each other. I can't imagine my life without him.

I am so grateful for my friends, you know who you are, and extended family. They are what keeps me going.

I am very grateful that I live in this country. Things aren't the best right now, but it is a great country and I appreciate the freedoms I enjoy, and do my best to respect those that have kept that freedom for me.

I am thankful to have a home. I am thankful that Dan is employed, and even has 2 jobs. That I am able to live comfortably.

I am thankful for Buddy. He likes to bark and is getting older and is not well much of the time, but he is loyal and loves me and is always there for me. I only wish I could take him on walks and play with him more. I love my dog!

I am thankful for Tazzy. I didn't think I could ever like a cat, let alone love him. He is wild and crazy(thus his name Tazmanian Devil- Tazzy for short) and he likes to scare us to death by jumping out in front of us unannounced. He is a good cat and likes to lay by me and purr.

All in all, life is pretty good. I don't say this very often. I just wanted to express my gratitude for all of the things I have and that I enjoy. I hope all take some time to reflect on what they have.

Happy Thanksgiving to All

~Christy

An Update on Us

I have not posted on here for quite some time. I have been waiting for something deep or meaningful to say, but since that's not happening, I thought I would just give you all an update.

We have had quite a lot happening around here lately.

Kyler finished his Sophomore football season a few weeks ago. Their team had a pretty good record, I think 6 and 2. Not bad for the Sophomores and Freshmen. He had a 2 week break and is now into wrestling. He has been wrestling for several years, since I think 7th or 8th grade. He is pretty good. He was on the JV team during his 9th grade year, but just about the time that they were doing state competitions and things, he got really sick and ended up in the hospital where he was very close to dying. He didn't get to finish the season and was quite upset about it, but it was not his fault and he is still with us, so all is well.

Megan just finished a volleyball season. This year she was able to try out for a freshmen league team, and made it. They ended up winning 3rd place, or as Megan says..."The winners of the losers". Megan has been playing volleyball for several years as well. She is quite good and will hopefully be able to continue playing throughout high school and possibly beyond. We're very happy that she found something that she truly enjoys doing, and is good at as well.

(Sorry, wish I had a better pick) This is what she's best at though.

Aubree is in that stage of life where she doesn't know what she wants to do, so she has been the cheer sister that goes to the games and stuff and cheers them on, or stays at home and helps me out around the house. I hope that she soon figures out where she belongs. She is a truly loving girl, that trusts others, and has been hurt a lot.

Jake just finished his first season of tackle football. He LOVES football. You would be hard pressed to find him anywhere without one. We sort of have to lay down the law that there are no footballs allowed at church. He's very good at it, and does whatever the coach asks of him. He has played both sides of the ball and has a pretty good understanding of the game. He really enjoys playing and we hope he is able to continue on playing throughout his school career. It makes him happy.

All in all we are doing OK. Dan is back to working 16 to 18 hour days and is very tired, but he enjoys his job at the McKay Center. The people he works with there are really nice, and great to him and all of us.

I just had yet another surgery. This one was to fix the original ankle surgery I had in March 2008. It hasn't really been bad at all. The worst part of it is that I haven't really felt like I've come out of the sedation. Weird I know, but everyone, including myself, would probably faint if I was just normal. I am trying to learn how to just go with the flow. It's hard, but I'm working on it.

Well, that was just an update for now. Maybe something spectacular will happen and I will have something deep or meaningful to say soon. (I wouldn't hold my breath :-) ) Thanks to all who read this blog and who are caring and concerned for our family. We feel your love.

~Christy

Sorry, it's political again

I live in Utah County. I think it was declared the reddest of all red counties. I worked as a poll worker for the elections last year, and another worker literally cried when she found out that President Obama has been elected. I feel quite lonely in my beliefs here. I have a hard time seeing the Republicans as the religious party. I think that it is easy to reconcile with Democrats as the party that represents my faith and values. The thirteenth article of faith talks about doing good to all men, hope, and seeking out lovely things. I think this describes the democrats. I abhor abortion and am in agreement with President Obama when he said that no one is pro-abortion. I think that abortion as a form of birth control is wrong, and should be used sparingly and rarely. The twelfth article talks about being subject to presidents, I don’t think that means calling them Hitler or saying that he hates white people. I think that issues should be debated on the merits, not by name calling and defining people by one or two members of their circle of associates.

I am disappointed that my church interferes with a non-members civil rights for religious reasons, and that I have to reconcile that with my own system of values, and my testimony of the truthfulness of the restored gospel. I need to exercise my faith, and trust in The Lord to guide me not only in this area of my life, but in all areas of my life. I like to think that the eleventh article of faith means that we allow others to believe that gay marriage is of God, and that if it bring two people together and forms a family that raises children in love, that should be their right.

I apologize for unloading in my posts. I used to sit at lunch with friends and debate issues and current events. I loved that. The only person that I really talk to about this kind of stuff now is my wife (and friends and family on FaceBook), and I can’t unload on her anymore because she is tired of the conflict. I like to think that I am fighting the good fight. I like to think that I am giving people whose only source of enlightenment is Fox "news" a different perspective of the world and world events. In my most humble opinion, the great divisiveness that is now part of this country's culture of right and wrong is the fault of the republicans. Don't get me wrong, the dems do it too, but watching this latest health care process just makes me sad. The dems cut and slashed and compromised to get one republican vote. Why? Why are they (the dems) trying so hard when no matter how watered down it is, when the republicans are not going to vote for it because it is a democratic measure? The republicans did not work at all to bring dems to their side when passing things, why are the dems such wusses when it comes to getting things done. Most Americans want a public option, and it will be good for the country. Congress should listen to the people that voted them in, not the paid lobbyists and just PASS THIS THING.