Sorry, it's political again

I live in Utah County. I think it was declared the reddest of all red counties. I worked as a poll worker for the elections last year, and another worker literally cried when she found out that President Obama has been elected. I feel quite lonely in my beliefs here. I have a hard time seeing the Republicans as the religious party. I think that it is easy to reconcile with Democrats as the party that represents my faith and values. The thirteenth article of faith talks about doing good to all men, hope, and seeking out lovely things. I think this describes the democrats. I abhor abortion and am in agreement with President Obama when he said that no one is pro-abortion. I think that abortion as a form of birth control is wrong, and should be used sparingly and rarely. The twelfth article talks about being subject to presidents, I don’t think that means calling them Hitler or saying that he hates white people. I think that issues should be debated on the merits, not by name calling and defining people by one or two members of their circle of associates.

I am disappointed that my church interferes with a non-members civil rights for religious reasons, and that I have to reconcile that with my own system of values, and my testimony of the truthfulness of the restored gospel. I need to exercise my faith, and trust in The Lord to guide me not only in this area of my life, but in all areas of my life. I like to think that the eleventh article of faith means that we allow others to believe that gay marriage is of God, and that if it bring two people together and forms a family that raises children in love, that should be their right.

I apologize for unloading in my posts. I used to sit at lunch with friends and debate issues and current events. I loved that. The only person that I really talk to about this kind of stuff now is my wife (and friends and family on FaceBook), and I can’t unload on her anymore because she is tired of the conflict. I like to think that I am fighting the good fight. I like to think that I am giving people whose only source of enlightenment is Fox "news" a different perspective of the world and world events. In my most humble opinion, the great divisiveness that is now part of this country's culture of right and wrong is the fault of the republicans. Don't get me wrong, the dems do it too, but watching this latest health care process just makes me sad. The dems cut and slashed and compromised to get one republican vote. Why? Why are they (the dems) trying so hard when no matter how watered down it is, when the republicans are not going to vote for it because it is a democratic measure? The republicans did not work at all to bring dems to their side when passing things, why are the dems such wusses when it comes to getting things done. Most Americans want a public option, and it will be good for the country. Congress should listen to the people that voted them in, not the paid lobbyists and just PASS THIS THING.

Reflection

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the day my life changed forever. Things were pretty good for the most part. I had a few issues I was dealing with, but for the most part OK. Trying to attain a college degree, working a full-time job and making fairly decent money. Dan and I had just bought our house a year earlier. It was that time that everyone had told us we would eventually reach. A time of happiness, security, and feeling accomplishment. It wasn't to last like that I guess.

As I look back and see the past 3 years I can see where there has been some good things to go along with the not so good things. I have learned that people with disabilities are some of the hardest working people there are. They may not be able to do a lot of the "physical" work that society deems work, but for them it's just getting out of bed in the morning sometimes. A great deal of what disabled people go through is emotion. In dealing with my own disabilities, I have not always done a great job with the emotion part. It's hard. To go from a do it all type person to not being able to do much of anything is very hard emotionally. I have learned a lot in this area, and continue to learn. Coming to accept ones disabilities is a pretty complete life change. I am one who has fought to keep my credibility during 3 years of unknown diagnosis and many professionals and not so professionals thinking I was mentally ill and doing this for attention. I hope that this is finally cleared up as they have come up with a few diagnosis and that it has come to light that I have several of my proceeding family members who suffer from the same issue. Just knowing that I am not crazy helps a lot emotionally. I now just try and deal with the emotion of not being able to do many things that I should, and previously did, be able to do. It's hard, and all I ask is for understanding and care during this time and I keep attempting to adjust to the changes that have been put upon me.

I have learned a lot over the past few years. I have learned that I can push myself harder than I ever thought I could. I do have a few VERY good friends who I count on A LOT. I also gained new friends, with one in particular I feel I've known my whole life. We are very close and very much alike. (You know who you are) I just wish that she was geographically closer.

I would be remiss if I didn't thank Dan for the love and care shown me during this time. He has ridden this roller coaster with me the whole way through. His life and the lives of my children have also changed and they have had to adjust as well. He is my rock, my strength, my eternal companion. I thank him for loving me every day.

Well, I just needed to express something. Every year this date goes by and it is an emotional day for me. This year I have a little more hope than last and hope that this trend of yearly improvement will continue.

~Christy

The Good Ole Days

So I've been thinking a lot the past few days about the old days. You know, the days when you could get up in the morning and go through the day and maybe only run into a few negativity's before going to bed. Now I know that I have not been the most positive person for the last while, but I do at least try. I am really disturbed by the way society in general has become rude and cynical. People just say what they think when they think it, even if it's not something they know or really believe. Usually just what came to their mind the quickest. We have tried to instill a sense of compassion and respect in our children, the problem is that they spend the bulk of their time with many who have not. What's more is that they are treated badly if they do follow these things. If I was a teenager today, I would be scared to death to act respectfully. Now I'm not saying they shouldn't be responsible for their own actions, just that it would be nice if others were too, including some adults. It seems that many claim and use their "right" to say whatever they want, but forget to remember and respect the way that they got that right.

I am quite disturbed by some of the reactions to recent current events. Whether we agree or not on things that are being done, we should still have the basic human compassion we were all given as human beings.

I apologize for anything I may have said that may have been offensive and ask forgiveness, all I ask is the same respect in return. It seems that if society would do this simple thing, the world would be a much better place.

I know that it's nothing new, but I am very sad right now. I can't get away from the fighting and arguing. If we have the right to these things, don't we have the right to ask for some peace as well? Just a thought

Sorry,

Christy

Dan

I know I have done this before, but I need to again.

Our lesson for Priesthood and Relief Society on Sunday was about our eternal family. This is something that I try to keep in perspective, not always succeeding, but trying none the less. Remembering that the effects of today are not just for a time, they are eternal. This makes one think a little differently than maybe they would if they were just believing it was for a short time. I put a quote on my last post that is definitely applicable here again, it was by David O. McKay. Read it if you choose, it's all bout looking forward but not forgetting that this time is part of eternity as well.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I could let Dan know just how much I love and appreciate him. I know I am not the best at showing it all of the time, and for that I am sorry. I do recognize the things he does for me and our family. He literally works himself sick. This past week, with a little help from me, not much, and my parents, he canned 32 quarts of peaches, 12 quarts of pasta sauce, last weekend he did grape juice, and the week before that was the heavy lifter for another 3o+ quarts of peaches. He also did pickles a few weeks back. All of this on top of working 10 hour days at one job, and some at the other. Also included in this schedule are various practices and football and volleyball games. I do what I can, but I am slow and not much help. He cooks and cleans and pretty much does it all. It makes me cry to describe all of this and know how tired he is. Some how he keeps reminding me that it's ok, that I didn't ask for this to happen to me, that it's his responsibility to take care of his family. In the lesson I mentioned before, it talks about what is on the shoulders of men in the church. The priesthood is a huge responsibility and when you add all of the above mentioned, it's almost like the weight of the world is on him.

I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. How did I get so lucky? I know many people who do not have what I have. I can't understand the dynamic of it being any other way. I was raised by a man who took all of this very seriously and married a man who also does. I know no other way. I wish everyone had this.

Well, I will keep this relatively short(Compared to previous posts). I hope that Dan knows how much I and our children love and appreciate him. Even if we're not always showing it. He is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I guess I don't need to worry, he is mine for eternity.

~Christy

A Full Explaination of the Previous One Word Post

Sorry, this one will be long, but it's the only way I can do it :-)

Well, I don't know how many of you noticed that I have not posted on here for a while. I purposefully didn't post because I was really having a hard time finding anything nice to say. While obviously that hasn't always stopped me, I just really had a feeling something good was coming. It had to, I was sinking to the bottom. I knew it, but really couldn't find a way to climb out of it.

As most of you know, I have been fighting with Social Security since January of 2007(to do the math is 2y9m) to approve me as disabled. I was almost 34 when all of this happened and am almost 37 now. In approximately 5 weeks, it will be 3 years since the day I got sick.This process has been very long physically and emotionally for me and for my family, Especially Dan. At the point in time when I got sick, I was bringing about 3/4 of the amount Dan was and we were doing pretty well financially. An experience we had worked hard to have. Life changed VERY dramatically on the 18th of October 2006. Anyway, after 2 episodes of this happening and 1 month in the hospital and weeks of outpatient everything, Dan filed for SSDI.

After waiting for what seemed like forever, I was told I had a hearing on May 21st of this year. As many of you have previously read on this blog, this hearing did not go well. I had what seemed like the meanest judge in existence, and no chance of ever getting approved. I was so let down by this, it felt like just another person who didn't even believe me that I was going through what I said I was. I am a person who is all about doing things the right way, correctly. Just ask Dan, it drives him insane sometimes. Losing my credibility is one of the worst things that could happen to me. I have been turned away and told I was unbelievable so much, that it just about put me over the edge. Anyway, to my surprise, the judge continued my case. I was FUMING mad that day, but Dan kept reminding me that this was really a good thing, that it gave us time to solidify my case. I had pretty much no hope, but tried to take his advice. I was just too tired to go on much more.

SO fast forward to August 26th, 2009. This was when my hearing had been rescheduled for. We went up to the courthouse like normal, then we spoke with my representative who told us that she was hopeful, but that not much had changed. We discussed it and decided that Dan would be held out as a witness. If things looked like they weren't in our favor, he could go in and basically back up my story. Thankfully, that never happened. When we were first in there, things were very tense and unhappy. This judge really doesn't show any kind of emotion. They went through all of the technicals, then it was my turn to speak. I basically told her that I felt sad that the world has turned in to such a place, that when a person tried to do things the honest way, this is what happens. Then I proceeded to tell her that I have 4 kids and a husband and a home that I could no longer take care of or help out in pretty much any way anymore. That if I could be better, I would be. That I don't like what has happened to me nor do I want to have to be unable to do the things that a 36 year old wife and mother should be doing. At this point, I started to cry. I apologized for this and told her that I did not want to cry as I felt it made her think I was not being honest, but it happened anyway and I couldn't stop it. She asked me why I hadn't seen certain doctors, at which point I told her that I didn't know these docs existed and if I did, I would have seen them. She then told me where to find them. You could have knocked my rep over with a feather. I explained previously that this judge has no feelings, remember? She then asked the doc she brought in of his opinion, he said he couldn't put his finger on a decision and was leaving it to her. Then she asked the Vocational Specialist that she brought in of her opinion as to whether I could work a job and the answer was like the best sound in my ears had heard in a VERY long time. She said... "No Way, Not in my opinion, NO". We were then excused and I was wished a good day by everyone, including the judge. The door shut behind us and my rep said something like... I don't know what it was that you did, but the judge actually had what looked like tears in her eyes. She never helps anyone, and certainly isn't cordial to wish anyone a good day. We then met Dan who had been pacing the halls and spoke for a bit. We were told that generally if it's favorable, it's quick, (Quick meaning 4-6 weeks) and non favorable will take a while. Then we left. We were cautiously optimistic but not letting ourselves get too sure. I however, waited about 3 days before I started having the mail checked like 14 times a day. I just felt like it was going to be there.

So Friday, September 4th, 2009 Dan went out and checked the mail. He started saying as he came in the door..."Can I open it?, Can I open it?" This is what was in his hand... (sorry, blocked out my address for safety

So we sat down at the table and he opened it up. I think my heart stopped for a minute there. Then, this is what we saw...

I know that this is hard to see, but that top line and the 3rd line say..."Notice of Decision - Fully Favorable" and..."This decision is fully favorable to you".

I sat back for a minute while Dan read all of the technicalities to me. I think I pinched myself a few times to make sure it was real. Could it really be over? Could all of the emotional roller coaster of the past 3 years be over? I couldn't believe it. I cannot explain the relief that came over me once it all settled in. I thought Dan was going to cry. He said to me, "This will be so good for us, it will be like getting a raise". It's true, if things go the way we think they probably will, he won't have to work himself to the bone and then come home and continue doing it anymore. Now I realize that this doesn't make me better, and that there is much more to go from here, but the joy of this pressure being gone is immense.

Also, a revelation came with this letter. One that said that I have a diagnosis of Degenerative Disc Disease in my Cervical Spine. Nothing anyone can do to help this from what I understand, and it took me a minute to get past the fact that my docs knew this and didn't tell me, just let me go on thinking I was going crazy, but at least now I know some of what is going on with me and feel as though my credibility has been reinstated. Life is OK for the time being. We now wait to find out the numbers of the financials, but I should get insurance and pay retroactively to early 2007. We are back to the waiting, but at least we know the outcome will be better than before.

I hope that during this time I have not completely alienated my friends and family. It has been a very hard 3 years for our family and especially Dan and I, but we are looking forward to a better future. This is a quote that Dan sent to me yesterday, I think it's fitting here.

“Some of us look forward to a time in the future

salvation and exaltation in the world to come

but today is part of eternity.”

- David O McKay

I hope that all of our family and friends are getting answers to their prayers. We are beginning to see ours and know that it is in no small part do to your prayers in our behalf . Thank You all.

~ Christy

APPROVED!!!

The Changing of the Seasons

Fall is returning and has brought our lives back with it. I love summer, but I really need to get back to life. Christy attended her final hearing for Social Security last week and while we do not ever count on anything when it comes to the government, we are looking optimistically to the future.

Kyler is playing football and has practice or a game every weekday. He has done his fair share in the fundraising department and is feeling the effects of getting tackled by young men that are bigger than him and running at high speed.

Megan is trying out for a volleyball club team. The cuts are tonight and we are confidant that she will make the team. She has been playing for three years and has been going to camp for the last two. Her skills have improved and she is not afraid to sacrifice her body for the ball.

Aubree is the social butterfly of the group. She helps us out at home and keeps up with all her friends on Facebook.

Jake is playing tackle football this year. He has been waiting from birth to start playing. He practices everyday and has his first game is this weekend.

I finally go back to my part-time job on Monday. Nothing happens there in the summer and I miss the people that I work with and getting out and working with the public.

Our lives are a constant maze of interacting projectiles that meet up for a meal a couple of times a week, but it works for us. All of this running around has kept us from the gym for a few weeks, but that situation will be remedied soon.

Those of you who known me well know that the current political debate invigorates me. I worked and was a student at UVSC when the Michael Moore/Sean Hannity controversy was stirring. I loved the energy on the college campus. I loved the dialogue between the opposing views. In watching the news coverage I was amazed at the many good things that were said about Teddy Kennedy from people across the political spectrum. He made mistakes in his life and those mistakes guided his future life decisions. He was known as a politician that reached across the isle to get things done. Both sides now have their own ideas about what Teddy would do now, but here is my opinion. Health care needs reform, and politicians need to reach across the isle and get it done. Each side of this debate listens to their own pundits and commentators and get pushed back into their own corners and make no effort to come to the middle. There is no longer a Walter Cronkite to give us the news as it is, there are only “news” channels to spin everything their direction. I hope that America can learn to just get along…

Stay Tuned... for the Next Episode In This Drama

OK, so the past week I had an MRI, another sleep study, a Spinal tap and tomorrow is another physical evaluation. While I know that I cannot do much of anything, I am very nervous about this. All of the tests always come back normal or something close, but obviously I am not OK and this doctor knows it. This is the only thing really holding me together. I managed to escape the spinal headaches from the Spinal Tap, at least I think I have, which is great, but what I didn't have before (probably because I was paralyzed and couldn't feel it) is a very severe backache. Not just a normal one, one that goes from the top to the bottom of my spine. I guess if I was a spine, I would not like a great big needle jammed into me. I'm sure this is normal, but not comfortable. My hope is that going through all of this will find something and give me some answers. I can't trust that it will though. I have seemed to have lost my ability to not react when I get one of these "everything came back normal" answers. A little worried about myself. Anyway, whatever.

I do know for sure though that the sleep apnea I have is completely neurological. There is nothing obstructing my airways. Getting my tonsils out wasn't a total waste. The scary part is that it's "simply", don't you love that word "simply" , that my brain tells my body to stop breathing. No real way to treat this except with a breathing machine at night. This doctors office has been wonderful to help me find a way to make this work. The last one pretty much said, "Here is your machine, Good Luck". I had problems consistently and they would never help me. Anyway, maybe this will help me a little. After the last test, the guy doing said he thinks I got some much needed deep restful sleep I probably hadn't had in years. He was right. I felt pretty good the next day until I had to walk too much and felt like crap when I went to bed. Oh well, such is my life.

Well, I'll try and update some more after I get some answers from all of this. Asking that all of you cross your fingers, and toes and pray and whatever else you can think of that this might all go through for us. We really need things to go better for us/me. Thanks

~Christy

Breathing In and Out

So, in the last week or so since my last post, we were able to get both of the boys into football, take care of the school fees, and get some groceries. Things at least give off the appearance of coming together. But as there is always an opposite and equal reaction to everything, so it is this time.

Kyler is down to the wire with getting ready for football season to start. They are doing 2 a days this week. While this may be great for Kyler as far as conditioning, this means that we have to make at least 4 trips to Mountain View every day. Now Dan is doing his best to take some of the pressure off of me, this is soooo tiring, especially when there is anything else, like a doctors appointment during the day. Kyler had to have a physical today in order to play. While this is also a good thing to do anyway, my word. There are so many questions and so many papers to fill out, that it was something like closing on our mortgage. Once all of that appointment was wrapped up, there came that lovely announcement, "You need some shots". To Kyler, you may as well say I'm pointing a gun at you head as tell him he's getting a shot. He is very phobic of needles. Not fun, but he's ok. He did fine. I also took Aubree with me, because she needed a shot, and when she got there, she needed 3 others as well. UGH, I don't think I could have had a worse pair for whining than the 2 of them together. Oh well, I won out and they are both just suffering now. Whatever!!

We got Jake registered for football on Saturday. He has been somewhat patiently waiting for this time to come when he could play tackle football. He played flag for two years and so this is the year. Now, not only will I have Kyler needing to be everywhere, so will Jake. (Breath Christy, breath!!) We did all the volleyball for the girls in the spring, so maybe I'll live.

So in the midst of registration for school, football all around, haircuts, shoes, new clothes, etc, my leg has started to revolt and pretty much stop working today. Now everyone wants to say that it is my stress level, I am more inclined to say that I have been doing WAY too much lately and simply can't keep going at that level anymore. I was discussing with Dan earlier that the stress comes after and because of the problem. It doesn't cause the problem, the problem causes it. On top of all of this, I have this hearing hanging over my head. I really am scared to death of this judge. I don't think I can take being told I'm faking it anymore. Obviously I'm not faking it. Too much is hinging on this. I have worked for years and paid my dues, I deserve this. I am tired of being denied what I've earned and honestly need, because of those who have scammed the system. It seems to effect all sides of my life.

Anyway, sorry for the whiner post. I am just trying to remind myself to breath in and out.

The Power of Prayer

Well, the past few days have been very interesting for me. My emotions have been very heightened , even more than usual, not sure why but the roller coaster has been huge. I have heard so many times that things are at the worst just before something good happens. I am holding on to this theory with everything I have in me. Things have been exceptionally hard for us the last week or so. It seems that this happens every year just before the beginning of school. Things start to fall apart. This year though, seems to have a little more kick. There are things that I can't go into.

It has been nearly 3 years since I got sick. We are still fighting the same battle now, as we started fighting then.

We got Kyler and Megan's fee schedules for school last week. I think a heart attack could have easily ensued after opening Kyler's. Between the 2 of them, if we add up all of the yearbooks and pta memberships, it's close to $500. Plus all of the extra things Kyler has had to have for Football, etc. He is playing Defensive Guard. In his defense, he paid for his really expensive cleats, and has tried quite hard to sell banners to get his fees waived. Thanks to some that generously donated, he has had a little success with this. Not enough to get the waiver though. There is a Luau on the 15th of this month that he is selling tickets for in case anyone wants to come. We always find a way to do it, but are really having a hard time this year. I guess maybe I say this every year. It just seem that no matter how hard we prepare, we still end up shorthand when the time comes. Anyway, I am trying to find a silver lining.

So, we have had a few interesting experiences this past week or so as well. There have been some interesting lessons that I have been able to hear during the last few weeks of church. I guess I should say some of the lessons weren't necessarily taught as much as experienced. It amazes me that some how there is a lesson given when I am going through just that thing. I have really struggled for a while now with feeling like I was being ignored by God. I do know better, I do have faith, but this sickness has gone on way too long for me to handle happily. I do try, although probably no one knows I do. Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I have gotten to know a few people better than I had before and at least in small part, appreciate my trial. I have a neighbor I mentioned before that is facing the reality that her 8 year old daughter is going to die. I have watched her very closely lately and am in awe as to how she is dealing with it. I have come to learn that we are given the trials we are because that's what WE can handle. I hope to never have to know what she feels. To my surprise, she has said to me that she wouldn't know how to deal with what I'm going through. To me, there is no comparison, but I guess we all see things differently. I won't go as far as to say that I am happy and grateful for my trials. I haven't hit that point yet, but I really am trying to see something good.

As I mentioned before, we are really struggling in the financial area....AGAIN. So we were trying the other day to figure out where we were going to get bills and grocery money, etc. Well, we participate in a program called freecycle. This is where you post on email when you have things to get rid of and then people who may want what you're giving away express interest and so it's something like one persons junk is an others treasure, only it's free. Well, after this conversation with Dan, I replied to a post and went to pick it up and there were 5 boxes and 3 bags of food. A true answer to a prayer. Well, then we realized that we had run out of all kinds of dishwashing soap and were looking for ways to get that when again it appeared on the email and I picked up 2 Costco sized boxes of it. I know it sounds a little corny, but I see these things as real answers to prayers. We are tired of having to count on others when we should be able to make ends meet, so these are things that feel like are a way to keep a little bit of dignity in yet another of our crisis' .

Dan and I and our kids had not attended a ward activity for quite some time until last Friday. We had really felt out of place for a long time, but we decided to go to this activity and have fun. It was yet another prayer that was answered. We had a lot of fun and felt acceptance like we had felt before. Also, after several months of nothing, Dan was extended a calling and he accepted. It is a calling that neither one of us or anyone else had ever heard of, but it was perfect for Dan at this time in his life. He is very busy and couldn't accept anything that he had to do more than on Sunday, at least for the most part. He is now an Assistant Ward Clerk - Historical Clerk. He gets to attend all of the ward activities and take pictures and notes and basically compile a history for the ward. Also he is the back up if the Ward Clerk is gone. This is good, because he has been that before and knows his stuff in this area. He makes jokes about it, but this puts him back in the Bishopric, sort of, and I am happy that he is finally back in the middle of things. I have prayed for months for something to come up like this. Bishop gave Dan a beautiful blessing when he was set apart and it was really what we needed to hear.

I have another hearing scheduled with the Social Security office. I don't know how many of you remember or heard about the horrible judge from before, but I get to see her again. I am so scared I can't even explain. My representative has assured me that my case is stronger than before and that I am a very credible person. This is nice to hear as the judge and many others have let me know just how non-credible they believed me to be. This time I have a written diagnosis made by a doctor, (who wrote SSDI code in there so the judge couldn't deny it), even though none of us agree on it, and the evaluation that I flunked severely in my corner. I am still scared to death. I don't know what we are going to do if this doesn't get approved. Not only would the income help us and put my guilt for causing all of this to bed, the insurance is the biggest help. I have to keep getting medical help, but the expense is making it so I can't sometimes.

So yesterday I went to a doctors appointment that apparently I had cancelled. I had no recollection of cancelling it, but it worked out for the best. While I was there, they scheduled another sleep study for me to see if there was any improvement after having my tonsils out. I did this study last night and without the doctor saying it, things are sooooo much better. I knew it, but now I am pretty sure I have the information to prove it. This really hasn't changed much in regards to my other issues, but at least I get some good sleep when I finally get there. I am fairly certain, and the docs have said, that if my tonsils hadn't come out, I would have died in my sleep.

I know the last post was pretty bad as far as attitude goes. I really am trying to stay positive, it's just really hard some times. My kids have really been out of control lately and I am not able to stop many things from happening, nor help to fix them. This causes me a lot of emotional anguish. School really can't come soon enough at this point. A regular routine and some structure will be really great.

One last thing. Today was a great day for many people that I know and love. My great nephew was adopted by some wonderful people who will care for him and love him. I know that this was a terribly hard decision for my nephew and all of his family, but they did what was best for him, and his sister who was also adopted by another wonderful family. I hope that they all find peace in their decision. This was another answer to many prayers that have been said in their behalf.

Prayers are being answered all around me, and some for me/us. All I can do is try to hope that my/our diligent prayers will soon be answered.

Christy