We Can Do Hard Things...At Least That Is the Myth

Since the last time I posted there have been quite a few things go on. I can't say they are bad or good, or happy or sad or whatever. They have just been. 

Dan transferred teams at his job. It was a lateral move, so he did not get a promotion/demotion or anything like that, just the same position for a different team. It's back doing what he did when he first started working for ORS. It has been a little stressful for him, as it has been over 8 years since he was doing that particular job and things have changed. So he was somewhat stressed from learning this new job again. 

The last post on this blog was about my job catching fire. Since that fire, we have been moved around to several new buildings and such while they try to get everything settled. I have rolled with it, but it has been pretty hard some days trying to adjust but never having a stable place. After all of the moving around we have landed back in the same place we started. At the corp office. It's nice. During this time though, our company rolled out a new system for the entire company to use. It has been very frustrating learning this system, as it has not been easy for anyone, but I am starting to get it. This also meant that Megan was learning this new system as well. Needless to say, our home was pretty tense for a few days. Also, during this time I interviewed for a new position withing the company and once again go turned down, twice! Life gets hard with so many let downs. Also in the meantime, Kyler was preparing to move to South Carolina. We had to plan for and make a trip for Dan to drive out there with him. They seemed to enjoy themselves and I think it was a good thing for them to have this time together to maybe bond a little. Finding an airplane ticket was insane. We could not believe how much it cost for a one way ticket. Shuffling the finances for this proved to be another huge stress. Dan kept saying he was going to have to walk home from SC and that he would see us in May. UGH!! We finally did get the ticket purchased and he did make it home. This experience as a mother has been hugely emotional for me. I have tried my best not to be that mom who won't cut the apron strings, but sometimes it's hard. He is the first one and things did not go as planned or easy at all. I worry about him a lot, but am so proud of him for taking this leap into independent adulthood. Even though it's hard. As a mother, it's hard to watch your kids suffer and I will always do everything I can to help, but try and let them work it through first. 

Kyler is now living and working in Columbia, South Carolina. It has been a somewhat bumpy start, but I think things are coming together. According to Dan and Kyler both, the place he lives is pretty nice. So far they have no furniture, but he says it's supposed to be there on Monday. Kyler has experienced the joy of not budgeting well and going hungry for a few days. It appears things are coming together though, so hopefully he will be getting his regular installs soon and all will be well. Today he got a speeding ticket..UGH!! I guess they all have to learn. He feels a little discouraged because his job requires him to communicate with people, not his strong suit, but his is leaping in and trying his best. As Dan and I have discussed many times, even if for some reason down the line things didn't work out, at least he took the leap and tried his best. Stay tuned for more on the Kyler in SC experience. 

Megan is working a little over part time and doing school and working on the last few packets and classes for graduation. She is stressed, but she will get it all done. Today we were making her list for who she wants to send announcements to and talking about designing her announcements. 

Aubree is working part time at the McDonalds across the street. She isn't completely happy with her job, but she goes and does it and is happy when she gets paid. She is very happy to help out any way she can with this. She is struggling with school, but I have faith that she will get it together. 

Jake is about to turn 13. He spends most of his time when he's not in school either hanging with his friends or lately he has been baking a lot. He is a very good cook. A talent I believe he got from his dad. 

We are all missing our Anna. It's weird, we all knew she was going to go home to her own parents and family and happy she did, but to our surprise, we remain very connected to her and miss her a lot. She is doing well in Germany and we keep in contact with her as much as possible. 

Life has been kind of rough for us for a long time, but we keep on trying to move forward as a family a couple and individuals. Hopefully things will start to get a little easier soon. 

~Christy

It All Went Up In Smoke...At Least That's How Last Week Felt

The past week in my life and the lives of my family was very interesting. It was, to say the least one of the most interesting and weird weeks I can remember. It was as though there was something "tragic" (OK, that's a little far but I couldn't think of another word) in every part of my life. There are a couple of things I cannot share that have been a huge stress on me, but let's just say that I am being made to have patience with a person that tests it at every turn. Here is a semi short synopsis of what happened...

This was last Tuesday, so 6 days ago. It was a pretty normal morning. I left work at this building on Tuesday morning at 6 AM like usual. I had training that I was supposed to go to at this building later that day. As we were leaving work, the facilities manager was downstairs waiting for the fire inspector to arrive to inspect the new addition to the Cafe. (Not anywhere near the cause of the fire, just a very ironic coincidence)The preliminary cause was heat tape that was applied to keep things from freezing and caught the ceiling on fire, right over my department. I had gone on with my day as usual, came home, made the family breakfast and went to bed, knowing I had to get up early for training. Megan, Lori and I decided we would go to this building (usually go to the corp bldg) for lunch and then go to the training as we all had to go. Well, about 11:30 as I was waking up, Lori called me and said "work is on fire!" I kind of laughed and said "what?"(The fire inspector was just there?) She said it was on the news and our building was on fire. I came out to look on the TV. We wondered what we were to do now. Were we supposed to still go to training? If so, where? It was a very weird feeling of loss and being lost. Would I have a job after this? Were all of my friends and colleagues OK? Basically it was a mini form of what I felt like on 9/11. I knew nothing about what was to come and if everyone was OK. About 30 minutes after this news, an email was sent from our dept. manager Jordan who said that everyone got out OK and that we were to still attend work and all trainings at the corp office. I was very relieved to know that everyone was OK and that my job was secure. I was extremely impressed at how the managers and exec's of the company took care of this situation. First they made sure every single employee was accounted for and safe and then sent them to a new place and went right back to work to make sure our customers were taken care of. This company prides itself on being one big team/family and often I have wondered how true that is, but this really showed just how much truth it is. Anyway, since last Tuesday, our team (graveyard) has been in 4 different places to work. I am grateful to the company for making sure we had a place to work. I feel like a gypsy or an orphan sort of, but it all goes with trying to get things in order after this fire. I think we are set for a while at least in a nice place at corp and all is well. They are saying 4-6 months until our building should be ready for us to go back to. I didn't lose anything important. Only thing I had there was my nameplate. I know of many who lost many important and special things. I have never been part of anything like this so I have tried to figure out how to feel. The best way I can explain my feelings is that I feel a sense of loss in that this building sort of felt like my home away from home. I spent at least 40 hours a week there. I feel grateful that it happened at a time when I wasn't there, but sad for my friends and colleagues that were. I feel sad and grateful to the firefighter who had a wall and a ceiling fall on him and had to be rescued and have surgery to repair his injuries. I feel grateful to the trainer who saw and understood first hand that we were all in our own states of shock. Who also helped evacuate the building and then turned around and did his best to train us on that day. I know that it all could have been much worse and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's who I am and it has really affected me emotionally. All is well and I will get over it. 

All of that was Tuesday, Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Just working in a weird place, but it was nice. 

Thursday, I was checking skyward, because the term was ending and I was very concerned with some grades. There has been a lot of hard work put forth especially this year in regards to school and it didn't look good right then. I was so highly let down by some of this and was already dealing with the other stuff. Pretty much lost it on a couple of kids. I just know that they can do and are better than they are showing. After all of the work they have done it is just heartbreaking to me to see them not do their best, putting their goals at risk. Kyler is still waiting for news of if he passed his licensing test so he can go to South Carolina to work. This being up in the air is frustrating, but we just have to assume he did and are trying to get things prepared. Jake is devastated that he got a B+ which brought his GPA all the way down to 3.94. He has strived all year to get a 4.0 and it has just slipped out of his hands every term so far. He would have got it first term if he hadn't broke his heel and got an A- in PE. Still a little ticked at that teacher, but whatever. We are proud of him trying so hard to do well and setting high goals and working to meet them. I just hope he doesn't hit that wall everyone seems to hit around his age and stop working at it. Was in a different place working Thursday, still appreciate them taking care of us, but was not pleased with Thursday's accommodations, but it was somewhere. Not complaining. Thursday night at work brought some issues for me, but I can't really share them. Let's just say I had to walk away a couple of times in order to keep my cool. Too many people with too high of stress level last week trying to keep it together. 

Friday was probably one of the hardest days. The term ended, I knew things were not OK with that. As I was explaining my disappointment and how NOT OK this was, I received an email from Dan I had been dreading. The contents of that email also explain part of the stresses of the last 3 weeks and how it was yet another let down. Dan again interviewed with Clark County, NV for a position and even he was pretty sure he would get the job. We had gone to Las Vegas on the 2nd - 4th of March and were there dreaming of things and seeing areas and houses, etc. Just hoping something would appear for us. When we returned home, there was an email waiting for Dan to interview. We didn't tell anyone about it, at least a very few, so as to not ruffle feathers besides those who live in this house. Dan had to make another trip there alone the next weekend for test and interview. He came home very confident and we were pretty excited about the prospects. Last Friday came the email "although you were not chosen for this position, we enjoyed speaking with you." UGH!!! We have no idea why, we were pretty sure he had this. A very hard pill to swallow and another let down. Dan hasn't been really excited before, but this time was different and it was just really hard and remains hard to try to figure out how to make things happen. We are not happy here. Our kids, at least most of them, are not happy here. We are trying to find good jobs there and do good things. I can't take much more of the weather here. Also, I have discovered that the altitude plays a part in my migraines. The closer I get to sea level, the better my head feels. No, this is not psychological, it's a fact and yes, not being here would most likely help my mental state :-)  For the time being, I am at a good job that I liked so much I fought my way back to and Dan has a secure job working with many people he really likes. We will keep on going until something happens. Hopefully it's soon. Our family has struggled enough, it's time for some peace. I know this isn't what many think we should be doing, but we are making decisions together and doing what we feel to be the best for ourselves and our family. We would love to have some help and support. 

So there it is, I literally slept the entire weekend. Trying to keep things at a low roar. This is all just MOST of what happened last week. There is more I can't share and there is always the element that continues of so many people who feel we are problems in their lives. We continue to try and move on. Hoping soon we get to remember what enjoying life and having some peace feels like. 

Thanks to those who continue to read this and care about our family. We appreciate you. 

~Christy 

More Rambling Thoughts In the Night

It has been a while since I posted anything on here. I have been trying to make a real effort to not post when I was feeling upset. Unfortunately, this is not to be. This blog does serve as a place to say what I feel and let you know of things happening in our lives and if there is still anyone reading this I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I need to share my feelings and not be scolded for them. This is our blog and therefore it should be a safe place for sharing my thoughts. Although I don't want everyone to stop reading it, it is your choice and I would hope you would simply not read it rather than get upset over what may or may not be contained in it. 

Over the past month or so, there have been some really good things go on for our family. I was able to start back at my old job at Vivint in Account Creation on January 6th. I had to put in my time with a not so wonderful shift, but I did eventually get back to my graveyards about 3 weeks ago. It's nice. It opens up so many more things for me in regards to being there for my family in every way. I am not only helping pay the bills, I am there when they are. Yes, I am tired most of the time, but that has been my normal state for years :-/ Megan also got a job in Account Creation at Vivint. She is loving it and seems to be doing quite well. Aubree got transferred to the McDonalds across the street from our house, but as of yet has not been scheduled. I don't understand why this happens every time with her, but we will get it going soon. Probably the biggest thing is that Kyler also became employed by Vivint. Originally he was going to be a summer technician in Memphis TN, but then Derek, (Tracie's husband) also started with Vivint and is a lead technician in Greenville SC, so Kyler will be working under him there. This is and will continue to be an adjustment and all around new experience for Kyler and for all of us, but we all feel it will be a good one. He has more training this week and then hopefully more will be known. It does help Dan and I and most likely Kyler, to know that Derek will be there. Not that anyone is expecting him to do anything special for Kyler, but it helps to know there is someone familiar around for him as he embarks on this new chapter in his life. It will certainly be an adventure. I guess it could be both good and bad for Kyler having 3 of us working in AC where he has to call to submit any of his job. We are here to help him and will, but I hope he doesn't feel we will be mean or something. Having us in these positions actually helps him in the respect that we can give him pointers on how to make things work more efficiently when it comes to the accounts. Some worry that we are putting too many eggs in the Vivint basket, but it is one of top businesses nationwide and gaining internationally. Our CEO has been on TV and in the paper so much lately, even on a national level, that at least for now, I think we are pretty safe. Dan just found out that he is transferring teams at work. It is a lateral move, but hopefully one that sets up something better. Dan's knee is doing quite well. It still hurts sometimes, but that is to be expected. He has done an excellent job of healing though. It won't be long before he is hiking, etc. again. Anyway, Jake is just being an almost 13 year old, but he is also pretty much a straight A student. He recently transferred to the percussion section in band and is doing very well. He even gets to participate in band festival and play with the symphonic bands and such. He takes after me in this. Just about the only thing... We are proud of how hard he works to do well in school. 

For Christmas, we got a new puppy...Meet Chandler Bing.

He is so much fun. Dan and Chandler sit and howl together, he gets so excited to see me/us whenever we have been gone (even when it's just to the bathroom or something). I had made a statement and really a rule before and really meant it, that I would never get another dog. I simply couldn't take the heartache of possibly losing another one.  Dan convinced me that we needed one and Ben and Macame just happened to have one for us, so I caved. Even though it has been a little challenging having what sometimes seems like a newborn in our home, I am glad I caved. I love him to pieces and I am glad he is part of our family. This picture is soooo him. He lays like this and if you pick him up he planks. It's pretty funny. He is doing pretty well with the cats. Tazzy could care less, Speedy scares him and poor Charlie is sort of his chew toy, but he seems to like to play with him and for the most part holds his own. We just keep a careful eye out for Charlie. All is well in the four legged furry part of our family. 

On an emotional level, at least for me. It has become so hard and discouraging sometimes that I have really felt like sometimes I could just not exist and everyone would have such a better life. I don't even have the support from many in my family. I don't know how to make them understand that I am not asking them to change anything about their beliefs or ways of life. I just want love and support for me and mine. Over the last month or so, we have been made aware of more people who are so uncomfortable around us that they can't even simply be civil. We aren't scary, we aren't mean, we aren't any different than we have always been. We just simply don't believe or agree with most. I can't understand how me/us following my/our beliefs and hearts has any bearing on anyone else's lives. I'm sorry if it offends people, but I am done being told to be quiet, that my feelings aren't correct and that I need to straighten up and do things right before I open my mouth or express any kind of opinion. I listen to what everyone has to say and sometimes even agree, and heaven forbid, support them in their endeavors, even when I may not agree,  but somehow whatever I say is so offensive I am told to stop almost without fail. It's a rough place to be. I'm supposed to be happy and hopeful, but never express a feeling other than joy. This causes a lot to build and it doesn't lead anyone to a happy place. 

This winter has been harsh to me. Even though it hasn't been a terrible winter, my body seems to be breaking down more and more every year and winter sometimes feels like it will be the death of me. I will find a warm climate to live in. It is a need for my physical and therefore my emotional well being. Our need to be able to live as a family in love and peace, without so much pain has become my life's goal. It can't happen here. Too many outside factors causing problems. We need to be in a place where our friends/family are our friends because of who we are, not what they want us to be. Not that we don't have some here that are true and good friends, which we love and appreciate. We/I just need to be able to not feel paranoid and find out later that I'm tolerated instead of loved.  

Anyway, in a couple of months hopefully Megan will be graduating and things will be going forward for her. We are excited to see where she will go from here. 

Hopefully life is treating all of our loved ones well. Know that you are thought of and appreciated and loved often. 

~Christy

Dan's 2013 Year in Review

I had to take the time to sit and right my year in review and what better time to do that than New Year’s Eve, sitting at my computer, drinking a glass of merlot and contemplating.  We started out the year as a family of seven as we continued the school year with our German. She got a cat for Christmas and named him Charlie, he is our third cat, making a welcome companion to Tazzy and Speedy.   I started up my studio agreement again and did a shoot with Lizzie, Aubree, and Anna that turned out fun, but unbelievably messy.  I traveled to Vegas to interview for a position in the County Child Support Enforcement division.  I drove down, stayed overnight in Mesquite, interviewed and tested the next day and drove back home.  Needless to say, I did not get the position as we are still living in Orem.  

Megan went to preference in February and I had fun doing their pictures.  

Aubree had a choir concert in March and we got the whole Golding family together for a family picture at the Provo Library with the help of my friend Ashton.  It turned out pretty well, and with the help of Photoshop, we were able to get all of the family members in there and give a print to Christy’s parents for Christmas.  Kyler had his 19th birthday in March.  

We all went to color festival in April for the first time.  We came home covered in colored chalk and still had it in our clothes, cars and cameras days later.  We made a hike to the Y with Karl, Sam, and Jacob, Anna, Jeff, Jake and I.  

Jake turned 12 om April and graduated from the 6th grade in May.  I made a trip to Eureka Utah with my photography group and Aubree had another fabulous choir concert.  Christy started working at Vivint.  

The first week of June was insane.  My brother and his family came up to adopt a baby.  Kelly and Natalie were endowed in the Salt Lake Temple, and Anna’s parent arrived in Utah to take her home.   We spent a full day in Salt Lake with the adoption, sealings and taking a bunch of pictures.  We headed to Moab and spent some time at Dead Horse point and hiked to the Delicate Arch, and explored Goblin Valley.  We came home and had to say goodbye to Anna.  We always knew this day was coming, but it was so hard to let her go.  She became such a valued and loved member of the family and we miss her so much.  

In July, I quit my second job at Vivint.  I had a good run there, working in several departments and meeting many great people.  Jake, Ashtyn and I set out for the Hot Springs, and 12 miles and a near death experience later, we made it back to the car without ever finding them.  We tried it a couple weeks later and found the springs we were looking for and look some pretty great pictures.  I did my first shoot with the Salt Lake bodypaint league and got to watch some amazing artists work.  

I August I got my first two tattoos, went on the father’s and son’s with Kyler and Jake, and we packed food for Haiti and Africa.  We went the sister’s reunion, I went camping in the Uintas with one of my photographer groups and I started coaching Jake’s football team, helping with the linemen and the defense.  

Aubree went to Homecoming in September, Megan turned 18, and Kyler moved out briefly.  

October found Christy at a new job, Megan at a new job, and I turned 42.  We lost our first playoff game and got eliminated, bringing my first season as a coach to an end.  Jake and I went to an Imagine Dragons concert, compliments of Vivint.  We rode the train to Salt Lake and I got enjoy watching a concert, and not having to work it.  I organized my first group shoot, a trash the dress at Utah Lake and had a really good turnout.  

Christy got her first tattoo in November.  We had Thanksgiving at Christy’s parent’s house.

We organized and hosted the Golding family Christmas party.  Aubree turned 16.  Megan got a job at Vivint.  Christy got her job back at Vivint, Aubree got a job at McDonalds.  Kyler broke his hand.  Santa brought us a new puppy, Chandler, and an air hockey table.  

We are starting 2014 with many NEWisms...Starting with a new knee on Thursday at 9 AM and several new jobs. Hopefully a new beginning of sorts in several areas of our lives. Here's to hoping!

~Dan

"Oh My, They Have Really Gone Crazy! Why would She Ever Do That?"

I know that most of the latest post on here have not been of a happy nature and for that I'm sorry, however, they are honest and a picture of what we are trying to live through. I hope that someday I will be able to look back on this time (the better part of a decade) and see why we had to go through it and have at least a few happy memories.

Yes, we have made some decisions in the last while that have gone against the grain of what most of the people we know or have ever known. We have made it very clear that we don't make rash decisions, especially when it comes to our well being or the well being of our family. Any decisions are talked about and given a lot of thought before they are made. It makes me sad that I have to make this statement and still as I type feel that it's wrong that I have to explain myself EVERY TIME. Yes, I/We have made mistakes and yes we occasionally need help of some kind from others, we have never claimed to be perfect, but we also know that this doesn't make us horrible evil people who should be pitied and walked lightly around or looked down upon. No it doesn't mean we are going through a mid life crisis and going to be disappointed in ourselves when we "come to our senses." I have actually seen people look at me and shake their head and get a sad look on their face and walk away. This brings me to why I started writing this.  

We have kids who have had friends since they were in pre school that are no longer allowed to talk to, be around, or any other way of communicating, with our kids because we don't go to church. Somehow, our not going to church morphs into them and makes them do bad things. This is not only a COMPLETE CONTRADICTION to what these people claim to be, it's simply mean! I have had enough of trying to console my teenage daughters because they have no more friends because they are apparently so evil just their presence is not wanted. I have mentioned all of this before, but it is at such a high level, I now understand how people come to a point where they do crazy things. My husband who is an amazingly talented photographer can't get anyone local to let him take their pictures because others who don't like some of what he has shot tell people he is a bad person and stay away. People are afraid they will be "Bad by association". This is ridiculous, but again, just mean. Then there is me, I guess I am the worst now, because I have done the ultimate badness and "scarred my body" permanently. I was told most of my life that anyone with a tattoo was just trying to get attention and ruining their body. That it was a sign of insecurity and just made them ugly. Don't get me wrong, some of this is true and some of them are ugly, but again, a persons worth as a human being and the worth of their soul have nothing to do with whether they have a tattoo or not. Most tattoos are expressions of a persons personality, something that means something to them. If people would look past the fact that someone has a tattoo and look at the actual piece of art, they would realize, most of the time it has deep meaning and importance and is usually something very nice. Here is mine. Yes, it's on my chest, over my heart (this is symbolic) and if you look at it, it is very symbolic. This isn't something I did on a whim, nor should I have to explain myself. It is something that means A LOT to me and I love it. I would hope I would stop getting questioned and pitied because of how "lost" I have become. I am not lost, nor do I need anyone's pity!  

These are my most prized and loved people. We are tied together by infinity. I carry this close to my heart always. If this makes me bad and evil, then I guess that's all on the one who feels that way. How anyone can see and understand this and still feel anything other than how much I love my family is beyond understanding. 

I have said it before and will say it again. The attitudes in the culture in this place are sucking the life out of my soul. All I have ever asked for is to be allowed to have my own opinions and thoughts and not have it be something used against me. There is so much more that has happen, but I can't keep going on here. I am scared to death for the city we live in, because again, it came down to not who would be best, but that they had to vote against him because he believes people should have the right to think for themselves. I am scared to death of how long I will be unemployed. Yes, I am unemployed, because I didn't quite meet the criteria someone thought I should. I met the level asked, just not as good as they thought I should. Just tired of attitudes thinking it's OK to just punish people for being different and then do it in the name of trying to be a good Christian. 

Oh, and by the way, we didn't leave the church because we got offended, we did our homework and have many other valid reasons. Too much contradiction is one, even with the actual doctrine. See, we have brains and don't just get upset and act irrationally.

Again, I'm sorry for the rant, but at some point, things have to be said or it becomes an even bigger problem. 

Christy

A Little Bit of an Explanation

A few days ago I really had a very rough night. It was really hard for me to get through and I honestly didn't know how I was ever going to get past it. I am still VERY upset and hurt, but I am trying hard to get past it. It hurts not only me, but when I see my friends and others going through it as well it hurts.The one thing that I have maintained throughout all of the past couple of years and most of my life really is that yes, forgiveness is on you personally, that you can choose to be hurt or offended and that you should just simply forgive no matter what. While this is true and good, there comes a point where it isn't possible and letting it go becomes enabling to the offending party and makes all things in the end worse. You can't forgive a person if you can't forget the issue, and you can't forget the issue if you are constantly being reminded of it. Or if something new is being thrown at you. Not forgiving can consume a person with bitterness and anger, but letting someone continue belittling you causes depression and self worth problems and MAJOR confusion. This is something I saw a few days ago and I believe if people would really take note of it and try to remember it the world would be in a much better state...

There is an old saying that sticks and stones can break bones but words can never hurt you. This is completely untrue in my opinion. In order for something to be said, you have to think about it and therefore it's what you feel and words unlike the other repairable things, cannot be taken back or the wounds made by it simply fixed. Words are much more harmful than sticks and stones. You can't repair a persons heart or their soul by medication or a band aid or stitches. Think of it this way, childbirth is one of the most painful things a person can ever have to go through, but the pain is forgotten as soon as the beautiful baby is presented. Simply telling someone they are not worth anything goes straight to a persons soul and can't really be forgotten because there is nothing beautiful to replace it. 

While I can't divulge who, because of the relationship it is and not wanting to burn a bridge, there is someone who has really made it a point lately to let me know what a disappointment me and my husband and kids are. It has been a year since we announced we were leaving the church. While there has been an ongoing uncomfortableness for us since then and we have endured an extended family member completely verbally driving us into the ground on Facebook, this one now is so much worse because of who it is. I honestly don't think they know they are doing it, or I may have reacted much more sternly, but it has broken my heart and hurt me to my core. I mentioned a while back that Dan and I were in the process of having our records removed from the church. I was then told that if we did that, we were ruining the entire family's chances at an eternal life together. I have been told that my husband is loved beyond measure, but if we were to move to Las Vegas (which we will do someday, I can't take the cold and the general environment here anymore)that he would become a gambling addict alcoholic that would make our lives miserable. Now, while I won't deny that we occasionally have a drink, that while in Vegas we gamble a little, how does "love beyond measure" and "gambling addict alcoholic" make sense? I have been told I am way too touchy about stuff SOOOO often that it's ridiculous, but really, I'm not the one getting upset, I'm am simply being expected to be upset so I am punished for it anyway. This is so much of a problem that people feel they have to warn people that we might be somewhere so to be sure that they don't offend us. Um, it's not the others who are offending us!!! It has been 3 1/2 years since my gastric bypass surgery. I have done what I think is a pretty good job of keeping the weight off. The past couple of months I have gained back about 15% of the weight I lost. I am mortified about it. I really don't know why, but it has been stressful and my diet hasn't been the best. Honestly though, 15%? It is something I can fix and get a handle back on. The other night this is what was said to me after not being spoken to all night..."Are you gaining your weight back? I knew it wouldn't work." Now, I guess this shouldn't upset me that much, but honestly, I cried after that. I have become so rotten in this persons eyes that they can't even muster up some tact to nicely ask me about  something they know I have spent years trying to make better. Even if it is out of love and concern, there are nice ways to say things.  When someone wants to know why I finally made the decision to leave the church, here is the answer. I know most of you will disagree about how valid it is and that one isn't the other, but here it is. When I can go from being a person who is in the eyes of many a strong, god fearing, good mother who tries to love everyone, who is service oriented, who has fought her way back from life changing sickness to be working and contributing to her family even when I am in pain and feel horrible, who used to have a house full of kids in the neighborhood and elsewhere who loved being at her home,  who has a good compassionate, non-judgmental and open minded and loyal husband who loves me and our kids fiercely, to a person who has ruined an entire family's chances at eternal salvation, who's husband is a irresponsible scumbag(or will be)with no self control, and that is teaching bad things by example, that people will not allow their kids to even talk to no less be in my home,  and that's just the tip of the iceberg, all because we decided to worship our God differently, it has caused enough confusion and question that I could not pretend I was sure and knowledgeable about the church anymore. If the gospel is right and true, which I'm not saying it isn't, then many of the people in it shouldn't be showing the opposite. I should mention, that in almost every case of reprimand, the person has used the church as their backing or reasoning for making me see the light and how wrong I am.  I am still the same person I have always been, I simply don't have the guilt and constant pressure to be perfect anymore. Life as a human being is not to be lived in fear of making a mistake, it should be with having the knowledge that if you do make a mistake, it's yours and yours alone and you figure out how to fix it and move on, and that you have the right, no matter what religion you are, if any, to call upon God as you are one of his children. Not to be told you have lost your right to God because you are too far gone and undeserving of his love.  I honestly have been told so many times in the past few years how misguided and naive I am about things that is has caused me to really study into why people would think that and the answer I have found is that in WAY too many cases a person is not to have their own ideas or way to handle life, but to only do it as told. I was taught that when something is presented to you, by anyone, no matter who it is, that you do your own soul searching, you pray and you come to your own knowledge if it is right and true. All mankind is human and therefore not perfect and too many live in fear and depression because they can't ever seem to do it right enough or good enough.  I think you get the picture. I am doing my best to get past the hurt from this particular person, but again, it is very hard and made even harder by the continuation of this treatment. I don't want to cause any more problems with anyone, but it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, it always ends up that way. 

Earlier today I had to go to PTC's. I always dread this. I really dislike hearing that my kids aren't doing their best. I know they can do better. I hope they stand up and show people who they really are. 

Jake has one more week to let his broken heel heal. It has been pretty rough on him to not be able to play, but he has been to every practice and game and will be ready to get right back in it when the Dr says it's OK.  Aubree went to Homecoming last weekend. It was her first high school dance. She seemed to have fun. We found one of my dresses in my closet and dressed it up with the help of Grandma Hansen and it looked nice. Megan turned 18 on the 10th. We had a little cake for her and had dinner on Saturday at a place of her choice. It was nice. Kyler is still living out on his own, but it looks like he may be moving back home in a few weeks. He seems to have made some good decisions and changes while he has been gone. We will see how that turns out...stay tuned. Dan is enjoying his ability to pursue his hobby and to get to be able to coach for Jake's team. He will most likely be getting a partial knee replacement in the next few months. I am happy for him that he will not be in pain anymore and be able to run and hike and whatever pain free. 

The past few days we have really been missing Anna. I would have never believed that I would be this attached or that it would be this hard to let her go. She really dove in and found a place in our hearts and we love her. We are very happy for her to be back with her parents, who btw are wonderful too and considered family as well, but lately that hole in our hearts seems to be exposed more. Not sure why, but we will be OK. We just miss her smiling face and positive influence in our home and family. She is moving on with her life in Germany and we are happy for her. I don't think she or her family will ever really realize the impact they have had on us. For me, especially from Sarah, who has really shown me you can do it even when it seems impossible. She has been an example of strength and perseverance to me and when I really needed to see it was possible. And it probably doesn't show, but her positive attitude has had a HUGE impact on me. 

Oh yes, and FYI, I still have my job. I guess I must be doing something good. I feel pretty comfortable here. I feel like most of the people I work with seem to like me and they are all pretty cool. I am proud of myself for making the cut. I couldn't even have imagined a year ago that I would be working a full time job, let alone graveyards and one that I would have to prove my worth to keep.  I will continue to search for something in LV but for now I am in a pretty good position here. Just need to not have to deal with the winter anymore. It hurts me ;-) 

OK, I guess this is long enough. I hope there are still people out there who read it. 

~Christy

A Little Meltdown Moment

So, the last week has been quite a ride for me. I'm not sure how I am still standing most times. Too many life changes and hits keep coming all at once. I am sincerely trying to keep an upbeat and positive outlook on life, but I am failing miserably and I know it. My body knows it, my subconscious knows it, anyone who lives with or is around me very much knows it. It is not something I can simply think or smile my way out of. I am pretty much in a deep depression, brought on by major stress from life and physical stress I push myself through. I wish every minute of every day that things would change for the better, but through no lack of trying to make things change and not sitting back waiting, things have at very least stayed the same or gotten worse in some cases. 

As many know, the survival of the company I work for depends largely on sales made mostly in the summer. It is like 80 percent or something dependent on summer sales and is what pulls the company through the rest of the year. Therefore, the staff who creates the accounts is ramped up as well. I knew when I hired on the it was a summer position but was assured that I was almost guaranteed a job after the summer season. I do pretty well at my job. I have had mostly high 90's score cards and even a few 100's (which is very rare in my position) and I feel like I am fairly well liked by most I work with. Knowing the summer was coming to a close, I elected to try and transfer to a different dept to ensure a permanent position. I was successful in getting the transfer and went to 2 weeks of training for the new position. It was NOT a good fit for me and by sheer luck(and a loving husband), an email was forwarded to me about how there was a couple of positions back in the first dept, only working on the graveyard shift and working a lot with New Zealand.  This was something I had tried to get before with no luck, but figured I had a little more experience at this point but was afraid it wouldn't happen because I had just transferred. Luckily, the guy who was making the request to fill those spots likes me or something and was able to talk to the forces that be and I got to fill one of those spots. I was quite excited as this seemed much more permanent. I was wrong on the sure part though. I, with most of the rest of the department am still waiting for the confirmation that I will still have a job beyond Sept 15th. It looks promising and I am trying not to worry too much, but if I happen to not have a job it would be very bad for us. Dan, thinking I was safely in a permanent position, quit his job at Vivint, so it would put us out a lot. I can't say I like the way things are being handled in regards to this. There is entirely too much talk by some of the powers that be and not enough real information for those of us who are waiting to find out our fate. A LOT of hearsay though... So that's one part. Waiting to find out whether I still have a job or not.

Over the past few months, we have had many issues while trying to help Kyler become a responsible, independent adult, but also making him tow the line as a member of our home. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, but still has to respect our home and the people in it, which means letting us know when he would be home, etc. Things came to a head and I had to pretty much give an ultimatum that he was more than welcome to stay, but he had to respect the rules of our home and the people in it. He chose to move out. I am happy for him that he has chosen to move forward in his life, but really don't like the way in which it happened and really dislike that he feels we kicked him out or don't want him around. This is FAR from the truth and I hope he realizes it. I have had a bad feeling from the start of this and hope it's just me being a worry wart and that something bad isn't looming. Adjusting to having adult children is hard enough, when the added stress of them thinking you can't stand them is included it is heartbreaking.  At least to this mother...

Jake is back in football for the season. Dan is coaching on his team this year. It makes me happy, but sometimes it's hard having him gone every night again. I just got him back ;-) The girls are in school too and Megan is working. This proves complicated to try and keep things in order in the house. I am always exhausted and they are always busy and gone, so our house suffers. Then I get frustrated and try to do it all and my health suffers so it just goes around and around in that vicious circle. I seem to be pushing it a lot with my health, I simply can't stand not being able to do things I feel I need to be doing. Problem is that at a certain point, my body lets me know I'm done by pretty much shutting down or at very least puts me in enough pain I can't go on. Some times stubbornness and sheer will doesn't win ;-) I pretty much live in fear of which day I'm just not going to be able to get out of bed. Some days, like today, I am extremely slow, but so far I have managed to get out of my bed. 

Someone posted this next little thing on Facebook the other day and I found it to be so much of what I have been trying to be and say and it really hit me how true it is. Please read it and understand me in the process...

It is so important to remember this.

This is one of the other major things that has been bringing me down lately. Well, for actually quite some time now. It is a horrible feeling to be in a room full of people and feel completely alone and to know that the majority of those who are there and would normally talk to me don't dare now because they think I am a different person. I am no different than I ever have been when it comes to others. The things that have changed are mine and mine alone and haven't changed who I am, they have changed how I do things and how I feel about some things. My heart is still the same, although it is broken and dented and scarred, so I sometimes have to be cautious in order to not let it be hurt anymore. I still love and care about others. I would still do anything I could to help someone in need. I would still be a good friend with a listening ear, although I don't seem to have any who come to me anymore. I haven't treated anyone badly. All of this has come from me making choices for myself that others don't agree with. It hurts to be me now. I have a firm belief that when I face the judgement, I will be able to say that I am not now and have never been perfect, but I did show love and kindness to everyone, regardless of any differences, that I believe there is some good in everyone, even if it's hard to find. 

The other night I almost accidentally stepped behind a moving car. Someone caught my attention or it could have been bad, but almost the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life was the thought I had immediately after this. That was that I really felt like if I had not been alerted and the worst happened, who would really miss me? Would a huge burden on the parts of many be lifted? It's hard to come to the reality that you are a burden on people and that they could have a much easier life if you weren't there. Now before everyone goes of and thinks I'm contemplating something, I'm not, this has not been the case and isn't now. It is a really discouraging feeling when one feels like they are a burden. 

Between all of these things and several others. I am simply physically and emotionally exhausted and some days (a  lot lately) It is just too much and all I have ever asked for is love and support. Which is what I strive to give in return, sometimes to my own detriment. 

Hope all of you are well...

Christy

More Random Thoughts While Working In the Middle of the Night

So, time has been moving forward at what seems a record speed. While things seem to never change in many areas, it seems to be in a constant state of change in others. 

Megan, Aubree, and Jake are all back in school now. It seems crazy to me that they are all in secondary schools and Megan is a senior. She will be 18 in 19 days. It has already been a shock to my heart/system to have Kyler 19 and an adult, now there will be 2 of them. Kyler really struggles in adulthood and is trying to figure it out, but has a lot fighting back at him. Megan seems to be easing into it fairly well. Hopefully she won't have quite as hard of time adjusting. She will have to spend her entire senior year in school, so I am hoping that might help. 

Aubree is adjusting to high school. Seems to be doing OK. She has loaded herself up with a pretty hefty schedule, but if she can do it she will have herself in a very good position come graduation time. If all goes well, she will have at least an associates degree when she graduates high school. Since she wants to be a Psychology major, any step ahead will be helpful to her. We have every confidence in her, just hope it's not too much.

Jake is up to his eyes in football and figuring out junior high. Dan is the line coach for Jakes team this year. They seem to be having a lot of fun and Jake is increasing his abilities. He seems to really enjoy his German ( he is the class pet basically because Anna was his host sister  last year and Mr Sigafus loves her. She was his TA) class and seems to be settling in pretty well. At least as well as 3 days can be. 

I have been working the graveyard shift for a little over a month now. Honestly, I love this shift and the people I work with. Some days are hard as my body doesn't seem to want to adjust as well as I want it to, but it's coming along. I am just holding my breath until September 15th is past. That is when all of the cuts from the summer team happen. I hope not to be cut ;-)

Dan is enjoying only working one job. He still has his photography that takes up a lot of his time, but he is enjoying being able to choose whether he just stays home or he does something else. It is really nice having him around. Apparently I have turned into a big wuss/baby. I used to be at home with Dan gone for weeks at a time and after the Navy he has consistently had work or school taking up his time. I just miss him too much now when he's gone and can't seem to hold it together without him these days.   

I am really having a rough time right now knowing that winter will be coming. I suffered through last winter quite badly and the thought of it again is literally painful and puts a lot of stress on my head. Between needing to get out of the cold and wanting to be somewhere else, I am constantly searching for some kind of change. I am hopeful to a point that this change will happen, but realistic in the sense that I have been let down too many times to let myself believe it will change. As I have plead with many over the past while for support, I have found a few, but they have their own lives and own problems to deal with and the others that think they're helping like to make me feel worse. Dan and I have made our decisions, and no amount of telling me how disappointed you are or how much this scares you for our or your own salvation is going to change our minds. This is precisely one of the reasons why we left. While many of the teachings in the church are good and right, sooo many people live in fear that if they mess up at all or anyone in their family messes up at all they will not ever be together in the eternities. The more I have pondered on this, the more it actually bothered me that people seem in many cases to live "righteously" because they are afraid, rather than because they know it's right or good. Knowing you will be together for eternity with those you love should be a peaceful, heartwarming thing, not something that scares you or makes you live in fear. It makes me sad to have to try and soothe the fears of those I love because they are worried that I won't make it to Heaven with the rest of them. I believe that the intentions of your heart and the good works are what you will be judged on, not the particular things you may have done in your life. As long as you have not hurt someone intentionally or taken away another persons life or right to express their free agency. There are throngs of people who are good people who believe in God, that aren't in the church. I can't fathom that none of those people will be with their families for eternity. BTW, the "misunderstanding" that people keep referring to things in regards to Dan and I is not and was not a misunderstanding. It was a judgment and one that people still will not accept responsibility for making. There is a galaxy sized difference between leaving the church and turning against or denying God. I have a firm belief/knowledge that there is a God and that all people are his children. I have never once tried to tell anyone or make anyone think otherwise. I have just chosen to worship him differently. This is exactly what I was talking about in the beginning of this. Making people live in fear to keep them "righteously" living. Isn't that a contradiction to what the church is supposed to be? 

Anyway, I'm sorry I seem to have gone off on a tangent again. I really wish I could stop feeling like I need to explain myself. It really shouldn't be that way or matter, but it does to me as all I want is to be loved and accepted. But refuse to any longer be someone I don't like to be or live in fear of not being good enough, to achieve acceptance. 

Thank you to those of you who still love and or care about us. 

~Christy

Random Thoughts That Go Through My Head While Working the Graveyard Shift

Well, I had honestly hoped that we would be settling in to our new place in Las Vegas by now. I had a lot of hope for this. I have been contacted several times by several places there for employment. It is so hard turning down interviews. I'm pretty sure that I would have a job in less than a day if I went there and tried. It's not smart though, or realistic to even interview until Dan has a job there. There is no way we could live on my income and it would not be smart to leave what he has here to go to nothing. I will say though, just as I told Dan yesterday. I am at a point where the thoughts keep running through my mind that we should just go and hope for the best. I know what sounds terrible and we won't do it, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. It isn't just me thinking things and wanting to go, my soul needs a new outlook and new scenery. I'm withering away here these days. 

In 6 days Aubree and Jake will start school. Aubree is a Sophomore at Timpanogos High School and Jake is starting 7th grade at Orem Jr. High. I am having a very hard time accepting that Jake is this old. He is my baby. He has also started into football again. He LOVES football and this year Dan is helping coach Jakes team. He is coaching the lineman, which Jake is. Should be fun for both of them. Megan will start her senior year at Timpanogos in 7 days. She is at this point working 2 jobs. She has one at Seven Peaks and it is a summer job, so she prepared for the end and got another job. She is tired and worn out, but she is keeping her word to the first job and learning the other one for this week. Then she will be working at Wendy's on Center and Geneva Rd in Provo. They must have liked her, they pretty much hired her on the spot. Kyler is working at Winco and Wiseguyz (We can't get him to leave there for some reason). He is talking about moving out and into a place with some friends. We aren't really sure about all of this, but he does need to get out on his own so we are trying to support him. He's also in the process of trying to buy a car. The realities are setting in. Payment, insurance, rent, utilities, etc. Hard things to learn. Hopefully he will find his way and be settled and happy. He is not going to school this semester. A bunch of things got away from us and he isn't ready for this one. He will go again in January hopefully. 

Dan recently quit his second job at Vivint. I am working full time and he was running on empty all of the time from working 16 hour days. It is nice to have him around more. I know I am a whiner because I never want him to leave, but this has given him a chance to do things like coaching football and actually being able to attend things with and for the kids. He does have more opportunity to work on his hobby (photography) so that makes him happy. Hopefully I can make up the difference of him not working. He recently got a tattoo. His first. It is supposed to say "Not all who wander are lost!" but somehow the wander got turned in to wonder. It works both ways, but he will have it fixed soon. If I work up enough courage to go do it, we will get matching tattoos of the infinity sign on our ring fingers. Dan has caught the Tat fever now and has a new idea for new tattoos all of the time now. The next one he will get besides the ring finger one will be on his chest, over his heart and will be the kids birth dates. It is nice to feel free of guilt when doing things like getting a tattoo. These are all very meaningful and tasteful, but would have been a big no no a year ago ;-)

Below is something I came across today. I has been on my mind since I saw it. It describes me and many of the decisions I have made over the past year or so. I am very aware that many/most of you don't agree with most of my decisions, but I appreciate the respect to let me/us make them without disowning me or outcasting me. I have really had bad experiences over these decisions and would like to be able to move on and keep at least some of my friends and family intact. Here it is...

This is honestly the best way I can describe these decisions. Also, this is the counsel I have received for people professionally, religiously, personally, etc. As you can probably tell, I have been aching for people to understand me and why I do or have done the things I do. I generally feel as though I am walking the path alone. Although, I do have Dan. I am sure though that there are times he wishes he didn't have my issues and things to deal with. It can't be easy being him. Always wondering and worrying when I may crash and he will have to go back to not only being the sole person caring for our family, but have me to take care of as well. I don't know how I managed to luck out and get him for my husband, but I did and I love him.

OK, enough of my middle of the night rantings. I'm sure I'll be back again soon with more. 

~Christy

Family, Friends, and Faith

I may rattle, sorry...

First off, just so everyone knows, I LOVE MY FAMILY! Yes, I have my moments when having 4 teenagers and their dramas and issues are too much, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I have to learn to stop calling them kids. Kyler will be 20 on his next birthday and Megan will be 18 in less than 2 months. They are basically young adults and that is something very hard for this parent to adjust to. However, I'm pretty proud of myself/us, they have all shown us things lately that show great responsibility and maturity which helps us, or at least me, to know we are doing something right. Our family has been through the ringer over the past several years and we still hold together. Just to clarify, NONE of our kids or ourselves are doing or have ever done drugs. None of them are promiscuous, and all that are able, hold jobs, and are there for anyone that needs them. Sometimes to a fault and for people who come back and stab them in the back. All of these are good things that are pushed aside by most because some of them, nor Dan or I attend church. This entire situation has been more than I can take with regard to church. We have been so shunned and out casted by so many in the church that it is heartbreaking at least to me. Dan and I especially have been so persecuted, even by members of our families, that it begs the question of how these 2 things can reside together. The church/gospel, and complete intolerance and judgment. We were told by a family member that we had knowingly made the decision to leave God and become Satan's helpers. This was all because we allow our family and friends who happen to be gay their own decisions and defended them. Assumption on the parts of many of who Dan is and what he does and thinks has come close to ruining us. I am tired of being seen as the woman who's husband doesn't care about me and who should either be pitied because I don't know any better, or reprimanded for allowing it. I know what's going on, I love my husband, and neither of those things are real, nor any one's business.   Oh yes, and there are those that believe and have let me know that they think I either faked the last 7 years to take time off, or that I am mentally unstable because I actually think I have a sickness or any health problems. All of this came about because I came to a point where I felt I needed to try and go back to work. I went back to work because I needed to for many reasons. Helping take care of my family, my sanity, etc. Just so it's not misunderstood, I DID NOT NOR AM I NOW FAKING IT! What I did was take myself out of a bad place and try to move forward. What's more honest? Staying home and collecting $$ and making my husband work himself sick, or pushing myself to work and at least try to help, knowing that any moment I could collapse?   Now before you get offended and feel you need to tell me not to say how I feel about the church, realize that I am not now, nor have I ever said you shouldn't do what you feel is best, just that I expect the same respect back that I feel how I do. For the most part, our close family(siblings, etc) have been pretty good to us, and we really appreciate that, but there are many others that have been so horrible that it makes it uncomfortable for those who still care about us. We haven't done anything to anyone, so it hurts to be us and know that simply our presence makes people feel uncomfortable. All we did was change OUR lives, no one elses.  There is so much more, but I will leave it at that for now.

Since going back to work I have made several new friends. I have also met an unbelievably high amount of people who have done exactly what Dan and I have done. It does help to know that we aren't the only ones who feel the way we do about the church and the overall attitudes in this area. It is very reassuring to have friends who care about me for who I am today and not what I used to be or have the "potential" to be if I do what is "right". I am by far one of the oldest people who works there, but it is nice to have friends that aren't "forced" to be my friend because I live in their ward.

For most of my life I have been a person who went like 90% on faith and the rest on logic. I was sure that no matter what happened, God would carry me/us through. This is after all, what I have been taught my entire life, that if I/we was doing my best that all would be OK. Well, the last several years has been a major eye opening for me. Living by/on faith has at some times put me/us in such a terrible position that we have suffered in very bad ways. My faith in God and his love and care has gone from almost the sole thing I counted on to basically non existent. Not from just living, but from trying so hard for so long and things either staying the same or getting worse. I have spent a good part of the last decade on my knees begging for help, or at least comfort and ability to get through things and I will be honest, there have been some things that were very much a clear answer to prayer, but that has been a very long time ago and I have pretty much been on my own and alone. Dan and I have done everything in our power to make things nice and good for our family, our friends, our community, and basically anyone. In return, after doing everything we could for the greater good and after much prayer and faith end up struggling and wondering how we are going to get to the next place. BTW, God is God in all religions and for all people, so the argument that we no longer have his love because we left the church isn't valid. In fact, is a complete contradiction to what the church teaches. Aren't all people children of God?  At least on my part, it has become very hard to believe in a "Loving God" when I have seen and felt so much suffering for trying to be a good person. Yes, I am that person who is going through life with no or very little faith, and it's not because I just decided I felt that way, it's because I have pushed and tried it and tested it. There comes a point when we just have to stop trying to make something work and walk away and find a different way.  I know this will be something that many will be very upset about, but Dan and I have thought long and hard about what to do next, and have come to the conclusion that we will most likely have our records removed from the church. This is a good thing, at least in my view, it means that I/we have been responsible in making a decision based on what I feel is best and that there leaves no question as to where I/we stand in the church. No one can think we are hiding things or going against what we have promised, because we will no longer be tied to it. Please remember that what has been taught and what is claimed to be what the church teaches is that everyone has the right to come back if they feel they should, that applies to everyone and means that the door is not closed. Another huge issue that has been warped to make people feel there is no chance or choice. I'm not saying we will be back, but that please keep in mind and realize that the option is there.

I posted on another page before that living here is killing my soul. I honestly believe this. I cannot find a place to feel like I can just be me. Or a place where my family can just be. I know that many don't understand why I feel or think this way and probably don't even realize they are doing or saying things that are hurtful and probably have the best of intentions, but there is a culture here that is different than any other place and is sometimes toxic. There is a difference between loving someone and wanting to help them be the best they can be, and then deciding what that is and making them become it.  When I speak of leaving here, understand it's not running away, there are problems everywhere, but that there is a very big and wonderful world outside of here and getting out of the bubble is a good thing sometimes. I feel suffocated here. I just want to be in a place where I can be me. Where my husband and our kids can be themselves. Reality is that there will always be things that happen and issues no matter where we are, but maybe just a change in scenery would be a good thing. 

OK, this is enough for today. I keep hoping that I will have something promising and hopeful to post about soon. Trust me, when it happens, I will...

~Christy