Not Sure Why I'm Here

I know, I'm not supposed to write about things on here that aren't positive and uplifting, but sometimes there just isn't much else to say but the feelings in my heart. Some tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, that I am just pessimistic or something. Really I am not a negative person, I have just had so many things go on for such a long time that it sometimes comes to a point where I can't look at things and be positive. 

I'm not sure how to get some of this out without making some one feel bad, or worry some, and for this I am`sorry, but I can't just keep everything in all of the time because I don't want to hurt some one. I certainly don't seem to get the same consideration from many. 

I am at a point in my life where I am struggling to find my meaning. It seems that my calling in life is to bear every one's burdens and do it with a smile. While I would love to have the strength and ability to do this, the reality is that I don't have those things and it's not my responsibility to bear everyone elses burdens. I do my best to help my family and friends, but I am carrying a very huge load of my own and simply can't carry it all. 

I have been in counseling for several years now. It has really helped me in this area. The problem now is that so many of those that have encouraged the counseling don't like the person I have become. I have been counseled to not carry feelings, to let it out when I don't agree. That I should stand up for what I feel to be right. This is where I feel I have a strength. I am a very "go by my gut" person. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. At least not for me. That is how I am. I don't think everyone is, nor should be the same. There has to be different personalities or there would be no purpose for people to exist. One of my biggest issues I'm dealing with right now is that I have started in the last several years to stand up for myself instead of cowering and people really don't like it. It's really heard when the same people who wanted me to get counseling don't like what I'm being taught. It's as if they just wanted me to get straightened out so I could deal with cowering, not actually learn and gain strength from it. 

As many of you know there have been a lot of things change in our home and family in the last few months. This I feel is almost a bigger trial than what I thought was the biggest trial of my life. I feel like our family is falling apart. Not only our immediate family that lives here in our home, but our entire family on both sides. We seem to be being tried from every side. It has become a situation where a gathering cannot happen without there being a situation where people must "pick sides" to be able to feel they are part of the family. This type of thing has no place in a family. I realize that here in my home I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which are girls and that there is a dynamic in teenage life that is simply argumentative, but these kids have taken it to a whole new level. I'm not sure I can salvage a relationship there. They are mean and hateful to each other, and to me. I am told on a regular basis that I have no idea what life is like for them and that I don't care. That I just want to yell and scream at them. I have been pretty good to them I think. I know they don't really mean a lot of what they say, but I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually do feel that way. That I really am just a pain in their rear ends. I have spent countless hours at school, at home and many other places trying to make sure they have everything they need and much of what they want. Even Jake has started letting me know of all my faults lately. I really feel very much unloved by my kids. It breaks my heart that my kids feel this way about me. I still move on everyday, hoping that that day will be better. My hope is fading. I love my kids and my family. Just feel like it isn't reciprocated very much. 

I feel lost and frustrated when it comes to Kyler. He is a good kid with many issues himself to deal with. We have to have a firm hand with him, but it doesn't seem to work very well anymore with him. He simply doesn't get it and then feels bad when things don't work out. The frustration level with trying to understand and help him is so high right now, I find myself crying at various times throughout a day just to have one good day, or minute for that matter, with him and for him to gain some understanding of why he's in some of the situations he's in. It's very hard to keep doing things to help when you know it isn't helping. But if I stop trying to help, then I have given up on him. Something I will never do, but sometimes don't have the strength to keep the hope going . I love Kyler. I just have to try and remember that it isn't really him talking much of the time. This is not an easy task when I am being torn down to an inch tall and told how terrible I am on a regular basis. 

Then there is Dan. I love Dan, Dan loves me. We have just come to a point where we have some pretty major differences on things. I am painfully aware that the reason our home is in chaos is because we are not able to be in agreement on many things. Throughout our marriage we have been very careful to not let our kids be in the middle of things when we disagree. Lately we can't seem to agree on much though, so our kids are stuck "picking sides" like a mentioned before in regards to the big family. I am feeling quite vulnerable and insecure when it comes to Dan. I really don't feel I know where I stand with him anymore. We really need some time away to regain some perspective and remember why we chose each other. This is something important to do, time away, but there is no way to get it right now, and there is pretty much no hope of it in the even distant future. We can't even go out on a Friday night. Our situation won't let us. If we take time for us, we lose something. I believe this is the most worried I have been in regards to us ever.  I know that Dan has had a lot to deal with and that I am not the easiest person to love sometimes. Especially since I got sick, but I am still the same person I have always been, I'm just more open when it comes to standing up for what I feel and believe in. We are of opposite opinions in how to deal with so much now, which in the past has been a good thing, because we have been able to take our opinions and put them together and come up with "our" solutions. We have had unwavering support for each other, even in disagreement. I think that is where we are lacking now, and it's scary to feel unsupported. Not to mention that our outer support system seems to have left us. Although, Dan won't let it in, and I count on it, so it can't work like that.

Pressures in life are inevitable, but sometimes they are so great that we simply cannot handle them on our own. Also, just because things keep getting worse, doesn't necessarily mean we have done something to earn them. This is a huge deal with us right now. We have tried to be good people and do good and right things and feel somewhat unsure about why things are happening to us the way they are.  We need love and compassion and support in the fact that we are trying to make it through the best way we can. It seems though that much of the "support" we get is by letting us know of our faults. So the question is how we are supposed to keep a positive attitude if we are always doing everything wrong. Anyone have an idea on how to do that?  

I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately, asking for help and guidance. Sometimes to just get through the day. It does help. I am just aware that I can't do it all alone. That is what I feel now though. A lot of loneliness. Many offer to help in whatever way they can. I take the help where I feel I can, but want to keep what's left of my happy home as well, so I have to turn some of it away. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I hope that people understand. Now more than  many times in the past, I need friends and support. I know you're all there and I do appreciate it. It's what keeps me going. I hope this doesn't turn you away, that is not what I have meant to do. I just have to get it out sometimes.

~Christy

Sorry everyone. I changed the background and can't figure out how to change the font for the last post. Hope you can read it.

When Life Seems to Get Turned Upside Down

Prepare yourselves, it's bound to be a long one, sorry.
Around 23 years ago I was 14 years old and having a pretty hard time in life trying to figure out where I belonged and what my future held. Everyone has always told me that I think too much or analyze things too much, but it's who I am and always have been. I grew up, for the most part, in a household/family of adults. My nearest sibling either direction was 6 years younger than me. Process wise, I was always several years older than my real age. The reason I bring this up is because I'm pretty sure the thought that ran through the heads of most of you reading this was, "Why was she worrying so much about her future when she was 14?" I believe that I was being prepared for the life I was to have in the future. It was about this time that I met a boy. I really didn't like him much, as I thought he was sort of reckless. I was really good friends with a person who was also his friend. Then one night, this particular boy borrowed my sisters car and got in a car accident. I had teased and poked at him every time he returned with her car (he had taken it several times) this time was no different. The deal was "you wreck it you buy it" I happen to answer the phone when he called to tell my sister and brother-in-law what had happen. As usual, I teased him and the answer I got was a very quiet "could you please let me talk to either Marsha or Mike, it's important." At that point I realized this was not a joking matter and got Mike on the phone. So after everything was taken care of that night, I witnessed this "boy" telling my sister and her family that he would make things right, that he gave his word that if he wrecked it he would buy it, so he would buy it. I know that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was to me. He showed so much honesty and dignity as a 16 year old young man that I wanted to know more. Yes, he was pretty reckless, but all of a sudden that seemed like a very judgmental thing for me to hold against him. Recklessness doesn't have anything to do with a persons worth. As far as I know, I wasn't even on his radar and was probably somewhat of an irritation to him, we, through a crazy happening on New Year's Eve that year found ourselves at a church dance together. I believe that it was not really an accident that he wrecked the car, or that our friend got sick and went home from the dance. It's how we finally got together. Over the next year and a half, we would go through some pretty crazy things. Dan joined the Navy and went through boot camp, I had some pretty major health issues. We had school and all kinds of other things to deal with, but in the end the two of us came out of it together. We got married a little over 21 years ago. Putting that wedding together with the Navy to deal with and many other things was crazy, but we did it. That year and a half when we were 15 and 16 years old was the foundation for what our life together would rely on. Over the years that we have been married we have had some pretty tough things to get through, as does everyone, but we understand that we have each other to rely on.
The reason I tell this long story today is because we have come to a time in our life when this solid foundation seems like it has been beaten with a sledgehammer. We both know that when you have something that solid and sure that everything possible is going to try to shake it up. We moved to this street 12 years ago with 3 little kids and a hope for some stability. We were led here by a higher power. We know this. After having one more child and more life experiences, it became time to take a look ahead again and again we were led, or maybe I should say others were led to us. That's when our neighbor across the street came to us out of the blue one day and offered his house to us. It came together fairly easy and we moved across the street and about a year and a half later bought our house. Finally we were living the life we had dreamed about. After years of struggling with going to church and holding jobs (on my part) we were doing pretty well. Dan was the Young Men's president, I was doing various things, but we were very involved and feeling very much at home here. Things changed with callings and stuff and we just rolled with it. In 2004 Dan had throat surgery to remove a tumor. In 2005 we were impressed to bring Dan's parents here for a while. Still not sure of the reasons why, we did that and feel that we have done what is right. In October 2006 I had what was thought to be a stroke. This has been a constant struggle for 4 years. I can no longer work, and am very limited in everything. This changed everything for our entire family. Dan all of a sudden had the entire weight of taking care of the family on him. Now is when my thoughts go back to the 16 year old reckless boy. He has taken on extra jobs, taken on many of the household duties, while still working a full time job and for most of the time holding several fairly pressing church callings. Kyler was in the hospital clinging to life during this time, Megan was assaulted, Aubree was thought to have a brain tumor. It has been A LOT to get through. Dan still gets up every morning, even when he is so sick he can't move, and goes to work. Over the past couple of years, Dan has had a very hard time in regards to happenings in the world and the way in which the church has handled things. Confusion and doubt has crept in bit by bit. There are many things that I personally have wondered how certain reactions could be right and have had my own times of feeling like falling away, but have been able to see things differently. Not necessarily more correct, just different. As of the past few months, things have gotten so intense in this regard that Dan has experienced very serious judgment and in some cases plain meanness and slander by member of the church. I as well have been "pitied" by some that really have no idea of what's really going on. I am a strong person who has gone through some very hard things in my life. My husband is and has been the rock that is always there to sure me up. Remember my earlier statement about honesty and dignity? Well, Dan is a person that does what he feels to be best for him and his family and nothing or no one will stop him. He will stand firm even if it makes him look bad. This is where there are serious problems. I heard a quote the other day that sums things up in this regard, it is..."Things are so seldom the way they appear to be, that appearances really tell us very little about the people we meet." President Monson spoke of just this at womens conference a few days ago. This is where some of the confusion and doubt have come in. Many seem to pick and choose the doctrine they are going to follow. Many have no problem telling others what they should be doing without doing it themselves. We have been taught our entire lives that we should respect others feelings and free agency, yet it sometimes turns out that just the opposite happens. Everyone is different and has different ways of getting through life. EVERYONE! Everyone is a child of God. EVERYONE! Even if they are necessarily living the way we believe in. But most importantly, we should not make ourselves judges of how others should live, especially when we don't always know all of the facts and realities of their lives.
Dan has announced to me that he will not be returning to church. That he feels that if he does he is putting on a show to give me, our kids, and others a false sense of what he believes. He does not feel he should pretend that he is in agreement with the way some of the church leaders are doing things. That some of them are contradictory in their teachings from what the doctrine is. That many members of the church are taking these teachings to an extreme that is not good as well. This is no ones fault and no one elses problem. It is his personal feeling at this time. He believes in the doctrine of the church and has a strong testimony of it. He simply cannot be in agreement at this time with many of the ways this same doctrine is being taught. There are some leaders that have been wonderful to us and tried to help us through this time. They are wonderful friends and their love and support is very much appreciated and returned. I hope they know that this statement does not apply to them. This goes right back to the honesty and dignity I have mentioned so many times.

I love Dan, and he loves me and our children. I am still attending church with Dan's blessing. This is his decision and I will stand by him knowing that he would not do anything that would jeopardize our marriage or our family. He is still the same wonderful, compassionate, hard working, honest, good father, and all around good person he has always been. I hope that everyone will be able to understand this and not judge him for this, as no one really knows or understands his heart. I was given a blessing not long ago that I would have strength and know what was best for my good husband and my good family during this time. I know this is what is pulling me through and that I do have a GOOD HUSBAND and GOOD CHILDREN. I cannot express my appreciation for the love that was shown during that blessing. I hope that this post will prove to be something good and maybe an explanation of our feelings and that it will bring many of you closer to us and have the knowledge that we are still us and love and care for all of you the same as we always have. We need your love and support now. ~Christy

5 Months and uniforms

Jake in his football jersey

Aubree in full dress uniform

Kyler and Megan proudly showing school spirit in full dress uniforms

The family incognito (Not sure of the spelling)

Me, 5 months and somewhere near -75 pounds

Me again

I Believe

I believe that when church becomes more of an aggravation in your life than a blessing, it becomes time to step back, take a break, and evaluate where you are in life and where the forces are that drive you forward instead of pressing you back. I believe in God, the Eternal Father, in His Son Jesus Christ, and in The Holy Ghost. I believe that Joseph Smith saw God, and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I believe that the church is true, but that the people in it are flawed. I believe that church is not the place to push your political views and that people should not assume that just because someone belongs to the same religion, that they belong to the same political party and share the same political views. I believe that too many people decide to push their judgment on other people. I believe that in this area too many people look down upon people that are different from them and shun those have a different belief system. I believe that marriage as a legal institution is a civil right and should be inalienable. I believe that love should rule the world. I believe that everyone deserves love and respect no matter their station of life, situation, or hand they have been dealt, and I believe that church should be the place that the love and respect should be felt the most. I believe that the family is the building block of society where every child should feel safe and loved. I believe that a mother and a father raising children together in love and happiness is the ideal situation. I believe that life is rarely ideal. I believe that good families come in many different sizes, shapes, and make-ups. I believe that some in this nation are blaming an entire religion for the actions of a few of its zealots. I believe that art and beauty to one person is offensive trash to another, and both people are entitled to their opinions and have to right to state their opinion without judging another because of theirs. I believe that someday I may return to full activation in the church, but for now, I just need a break from the judgment, the prejudice and the political agenda from some of those I attempt to worship with.

Just a quick post to update a little over 4 months and 71 pounds. Still can't believe it's actually me. Thanks to all for the support.

3 Months - a little late

This is a picture of me at my sister in law's baby shower. It was days after the official 3 month anniversary of my surgery. At this point I was somewhere between -58 and -60 pounds. This is the first picture I have seen that I can actually see a difference. As of today I am -63 and hoping the trend continues. I have had to get new clothes and wear a belt most of the time. This is a new experience for me. I don't think I have worn a belt in like 25 years. (In case you need to do the math, that makes me 12). When I got the belt it was purely for necessity, but as the days have passed I have decided I like it. I hope no one takes this as being conceited or something. This is just something I have waited a LONG time for and I haven't been successful like this before (weight wise anyway) and I am proud of myself for doing it. Hopefully I am being a good example to my family now instead of putting them in a dangerous situation.

This is a mini photo shoot that Dan did of me. He liked the sunset, but it appears that we missed the really pretty part. It was really pretty.

Three days ago I was walking through my kitchen, not very quickly because I don't do anything fast, when I slipped on something and had a very non graceful fall. While I don't remember passing out or anything, I found myself lying flat on my tile floor in horrific pain. I have a problem with my neck that is ongoing and if I lift my head to far backwards I pass out. The theory is that I flung my head back too far and must have passed out for a second. After lying there crying for a minute, Dan helped me into a chair. We were confident everything was going to be OK and then one side of my face (any guesses which one?) swelled up and my leg and arm lost all function instantly. At this point between the pain and the loss of function it was decided that I needed to be check out by a doctor, but I couldn't walk. Dan called the paramedics and they came in and strapped me to a board, taped my head down and had things holding my head still. Very much taking precaution in case I had broken my neck or something. They took me to UVRMC where I can't get in to much because it gets me very upset. Lets just say that if it hadn't been for the doctor that they finally called to get rid of me, I don't know if I would have made it out of the hospital without being taken straight to jail for tearing up the ER. They did do an xray and made sure my neck wasn't broken, but that was it until the last doc. He gave me a shot for the immense pain I was in and did a bunch of neuro tests where he determined that I was not faking it. Long story short, I was brought home and carried in the house and just like the doc said, started getting feeling back the next morning. I am still very weak and slow, but getting better. It's just very hard to be back in this pace again, trying to fight my way to "normality" whatever that is. Sometimes I just get lost.

OK, well, that is all I am going to type tonight. Maybe I'll have more later. Thanks for reading.

~Christy

Two Months and the Pioneer Trek

So, this picture was taken on June 12th. Exactly 2 months after the surgery. At that point I had lost around 40 pounds. That was 10 days ago. Now I'm at 47 to 48 pounds depending on when I stand on the scale and what scale I'm on. In this pic I was wearing pants I have not gotten in for years and the shirts as well. I'm happy for myself and for my family right now. At least in this area. I am not pleased with the lovely tire around my waist that I'm not sure if I'll ever get rid of. This experience has been an interesting one for me. I am told by people there is a very noticeable difference, but most of time it's not something I can see. Yes, I know the reality is that it is different and I can tell when I put on my clothes, but I cannot see it at all. Oh well, I guess it's all going to hit me one day.

Four of my family of 6 were gone for 4 days last week on the pioneer trek in Wyoming. They went to Martins Cove and several other places there. I think they may have really had as close to a real pioneer experience as they could have. The wind broke several tents the first night.

Dan's tent was the first casualty, then his finger as he got a huge fiberglass sliver trying to clean up after the tent. The wind is apparently very unforgiving there. There are sign to prove it. They tell of the pioneer's struggle with the wind. It is cold at night and the wind is frigid. On top of that, our ward had several people who were already injured or got injured during the trek. There is one young man that broke his ankle not long before and really wanted to try and walk some but he was told he would ride. They put him in a handcart first, then they put him in his own handcart fashioned like a wheelchair. Kyler got the opportunity to pull him, along with some help from the Stake President.

I'm told that after that first day, another young man decided it was very important to him to pull him and he held to that decision until they made him stop. We have some good youth and I believe they had a inspiring experience. I think that no matter what they say, they were all glad they went and are changed because of it. I don't have the pics I need on my computer to show you all of them in their pioneer gear, but Dan was the Trek Historian and took something like 1000 pictures. I'll get more on here sometime. Dan was asked to speak on Sunday after the trek and give a synopsis of it. It was touching to see him tear up and have some pretty strong emotion while talking about this. Jake asked me if Dan was sick and going to throw up, I told him no, he's fine, he's just trying not to cry. This really was the experience of a lifetime. There was not a dry eye in the room and the closing song, Come Come Ye Saints, no one could sing.

This is experience from my point of view was another kind. I have gained an appreciation for these people, those mothers and wives who lost their children and husbands, and especially now knowing how it feels to send them off into the unknown and not know if they were OK or not. These were strong women and men and children, and I think in our time, we now have the understanding that maybe we need to appreciate it on another level. They endured unspeakable things and hardships, and so do we in our time experience ours. My hope is that we are now able to appreciate it and meet our hardships with the same unwavering attitudes.

OK, my sermon is over, I hope all are well and thanks for reading.

Update

Just a quick update on the lives of the Hansen clan. Summer is upon us and the kids are at home. All day. Every day. I am no longer telecommuting as my job assignments are changing (for the better). Trek is coming up and we think we are finally prepared thanks to a trip to the store yesterday in which I paid more than a days salary to purchase non-cotton socks for the hike. If I get a blister, I will cry on so many levels.

I have been taking the new camera out and having fun shooting as much as possible. I shot my first paying job, a wedding, and really enjoyed it. There are many, many photographers out there with much more talent and experience than me, and I am in it more for the fun of the creation of a beautiful picture, but it would be nice to make enough money to cover expenses.

Christy is losing weight like crazy and is almost halfway to her goal.

Kyler got his driver’s license and would drive across the street to borrow milk if we would let him. He’s really handy for those quick trips to the store or taking the other kids to their errands.

Megan is babysitting and helping out around the house.

Aubree is also helping around the house and misses her friends over the summer.

Jake is anxiously awaiting the beginning of football practice.

Random Thoughts

So, I know I have something I want to write, but when I open up this program, it's gone. Hopefully my rambling won't bore you to death. I guess it's writers block or something.

Lately I have been having a really hard time not being depressed. I was doing pretty well and then one day I just woke up and was in a funk. Not sure what has caused this, but I'm blaming the weather for a major portion. The sun came out over the weekend and it was SO NICE! There just something about gray gloomy skies that brings me down.

I am down 32 pounds now. I know that this isn't something to pass off. That 32 pounds in 5 weeks is pretty good, but this has really bothered and I guess scared me quite a lot. After losing 25 pounds in one week, it seems that 7 pounds in 4 weeks isn't exactly successful. I worry that because I am such a unique person when it comes to my health, that this is how it's going to be for me. Having to work twice as hard as the norm to get the same result. I know this sounds like I'm being too hard on myself, but I really want this and it's not happening how I thought it was going to. I have even returned to going to the gym in the pool at least 2-3 times a week. I'm working on it, just having a hard time seeing the results. Dan and others keep reassuring me that they can see progress and I know they wouldn't lie to me, I just have my moments that I wonder if they are just being nice. On top of that, my neck and my leg have been giving me major problems lately. UGH!!

Dan and I continue to struggle trying to keep on top financially. We really do try, just seems as though there is always something on our heads to keeping us just underwater.

We have recently had more testing done with Kyler. He is really struggling with some classes at school. The poor guy is our oldest and we are learning as we go. We are never sure if these struggles are 16 year old boy issues or whether there are other problems. While we are very aware that some of it is 16 year old boy, we have now learned by testing that there is a much larger issue of a neurological nature than previously thought. I don't know how he gets through as well as he does. It's got to be hard. He has almost no short term memory. Where I thought he was just being ignorant, he really can't remember. Makes it hard on parents to figure out how to discipline and help him through. We keep plugging along, but it is very hard some times and most people don't understand, especially his peers. It's really hard to have to try and help people understand and many make snap judgements, even of our parenting skills with him. All we ask for is understanding and support in what we are trying to do. I have an understanding of how Kyler feels. I have had unexplainable issues and problems that people don't understand as well. I have in the past, and am now again at this point feeling somewhat on the outside of the proverbial group trying to figure out where I fit and belong. OK, enough about this, I am getting worked up now.

Then there is the situation with Megan. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the Orem Police Department right now. They have taken a situation that was bad to begin with and not done a thing to help or protect our daughter. We realize that there is an order in which things have to be done, but we have been left to do everything ourselves and those who are supposed to be there to help us simply haven't. I am afraid this situation is going to be let go and then some one else is going to get hurt and hopefully not worse before anyone pays the correct amount of attention. This occurance with the little boy who was killed this past week has hit very close to home for me. It's all because some one didn't do their job and put that boy in a dangerous place. With that said, I'll stop talking about this now.

Dan has started a new hobby. A while back he got a new camera, mostly for doing his church calling as the Ward Historical Clerk and for the trek where he is the Trek Historian. Outside of church, he has found a way now to use the hobby he loves to maybe make a little bit of money. He is slowly building a portfolio by just doing free shoots with people who inquire. After his first one last Friday, he was hired by those people to shoot a wedding. This one will be a paid gig. Dan has been the photographer for almost all of the family/friend weddings in recent history and really does a very good job. Lets hope it is a lucrative hobby and he can make some cash doing what he loves.

Well, I guess this is a long enough novel. I have really been trying to not complain and be negative. I am just really having a hard time lately. There are more things going on that I can't post on here, but are equally as trying. I am trying to be the Christy you all used to know. Not sure where she has gone. Maybe she has simply gone away and can't come out again until things are less intense. I don't know. I would like to have her back as well. Thanks to all of you who love and support us.

Christy