Crazy Jake

Jake working at the Great West Conference championships:

He won $20 worth of gift certificates to The California Pizza Kitchen and an orange bouncy ball - He really didn't care about the gift certificates.

Our freshly painted romantic hideaway

Our ruby red bedroom

Be Still My Soul

A friend posted this on her facebook status..."Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still changing. His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below." An ending line of a verse of a hymn.

I can't state how much this line applies to me right now. I have to keep reminding myself to try and put it all in his hands. The first line of this hymn is..."Be Still My Soul, the Lord is on thy side; with patience bear, thy cross." I didn't state the entire line, but there is enough there to make my point. I am trying VERY hard to keep thinking positively and do what I'm supposed to so that mine and my family's lives are good. It gets really hard and I lose perspective a lot now. I'm glad that there are people who do a better job with that perspective and help me to as well.

In the last few weeks, there have been many trials and challenges. Ones that we had hoped and prayed we would never have to deal with.

We are facing the reality that Dan is likely to be laid off soon. It's not a sure thing yet, but a very likely happening. He has worked since he was 14 and never had even one day withough a job. We will be OK, Dan has done his homework and things shouldn't be too bad, but preparations are being made here. I am a worrywart, always have been and I try not to, but fear it's something I just am. I guess maybe this is the way in which he will be able to get a job doing something he really enjoys.

One of our daughters was hurt in a way which is very hard to get past. She is doing pretty well and trying to move on from it, but as a parent, I am having a really hard time not just wanting justice! It's hard to see people who ruin other peoples lives just seemingly get away with nothing but a stern warning and a slap on the hand. That said, I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord and the public authorities that they will do what needs to be done with this person and all of those around them that are either helping them or also being affected.

The ongoing struggle with trying to figure out how to help Kyler continues. He's a good kid with a huge heart. He would give the shirt off his back for just about anyone. He would do anything for anyone. He does a good job at work, and he has been busy, but has worried a lot about his peers in the church. He is simply misdirected. Dan and I have tried just about everything we know how to help him get some direction. Life with his sickness can't be easy. Add his age and the things that go with that to it and it's got to be very hard. I get very frustrated sometimes and I wish I could figure out how to better handle things with him. But having him learn how to deal with things better, I want more. Yesterday was a mission farewell for some one that he has known since he was 4. They haven't always been the best of friends, but he was absolutely distraught that many of his peers are leaving. He's happy for him and supportive of him going on a mission, but isn't sure how things are going to be now that he will be gone. I feel bad that Kyler feels so bad about this, but have tried to use it as a teaching tool. That he needs to focus on making himself better so he can use the example being set for him. He's a brilliant young man, we just hope he finally realizes this sometime soon.

I hope that everyone knows that I am really trying hard to remember who I am and realize that I do have "The Lord On My Side". I just get lost sometimes. The constant and sometimes multiple trials at once that have hit us the past few years sometimes seems to be too much to handle. I'm trying to learn and count on who and what I need to. I just want things to be happy again. It's been a long time. I love my husband and I love my kids. I just want to have the way things used to be return to my home. At least the loving happy part.

Thanks to all of you who read our blog.

~Christy

I Hope to Be Half the Person I Am Now

Things around here are crazy as always. Everyone going all different directions. There are days that when I lay my head down on the pillow I am out faster than flipping a switch, unfortunately, there are other days that I cannot sleep because of the thoughts running around in my mind.

It looks like pretty soon I will be having a gastric Bypass. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's where they make your stomach into a small pouch and re-route your small intestines to the pouch. It makes it so you can only eat 4-6 oz at a time. This is pretty much the only way I am ever going to be able to lose weight. I have tried a lot of things, and the lack of being able to strenuously exercise has made it all but impossible. I will still have to exercise after this, but doing what I already am doing is sufficient. I was told yesterday that I would be scheduled as soon as they can get a couple more blood test results. So probably by the end of the week I will know more. I know that everyone has their own experiences and opinions about this and that you only have my best interests at heart, but what I am asking of everyone is that you support me through this as I have thought long and hard about this, I have prayed, I have seen doctors and done a lot of research and I as well as Dan feel this is what's best for me. I need to have the knowledge that I have done everything I can possibly do to help myself with my other issues. I will need your help and support for a little while.

Making the decision to have this surgery has pushed me to do some things that I didn't really ever think I would be able to do. I have been 8 days with no caffeine or carbonation. Many of you know that caffeine has been a pain management system for me. I just decided I had better deal with that situation before the surgery. I will have enough to recover from without having that on top of it. This week I am starting on a small level doing the meal replacement (protein shakes) and a multi vitamin. I'm starting slow, but will work up to more as the week before surgery I will have to only eat these and liquids. This morning has been OK. I actually think it may have helped my headache. I woke up with a horrible one that was making me nauseous. I don't feel great, but better. Hopefully by doing it this way, I am not only preparing, but breaking some habits that I have battled for a very long time.

During the last few weeks interesting things have happened. I was sitting in church 3 weeks ago when I started getting a horrific pain down my leg. After trying to just adjust how I was sitting a few times I decided to come home. This is such a hard thing for me. I know the drill with this. After the horrific pain and swelling, the next step is losing function all together. I couldn't believe this was happening again. I went through a couple of days really not knowing what to do and very much in despair. How could this be happening? Again? Well, the function came back, it's not great, but I can walk. Also during this time I had been dealing with what everyone thought was an infection. Well, after taking an entire round of antibiotics, it came back with a vengeance. Long story short, I had Ecoli poisoning. No idea where it came form or how long I had it, but they put me on a super antibiotic (same stuff they were giving the anthrax victims) and now I am doing better.

We are trying hard to stay upbeat. It's hard sometimes, but we're really working on it. We just keep hoping that the full court press will be coming to an end soon for us.

Thanks to all of you who have checked up on us and shown some concern. Support and friendship and love is what keeps us going.

~Christy

Phew!!!

January is quickly becoming the scary month of every year. Specifically the second half of January. The new year starts off well, but by that 3rd week we are preparing ourselves. Last year Kyler was so sick he almost didn't make it, but got better. Major allergic reaction to medication. Well, this year Aubree started complaining weeks ago that she was having "migraines". Being the drama queen she is and thinking she was just wanting attention, I ignored her pleas. Her complaints were exactly the same as mine. It just didn't sound sincere.....Well, she wasn't wrong. I finally took her to the doctor last week and the doctor informed me that she either had a possible reaction to meds called Psuedo Tumor Cerebri, or an actual brain tumor. Extreme swelling behind her eyes, especially her right eye. Having hearing problems with her right ear, and having some pretty major mood swings. Talk about feeling the guilt!!! Well, after 8 days of wondering, she had an MRI and it was clarified that she does not have a tumor. She does however have this pseudo thing and it is quite scary alone. It exactly mimics a tumor. There is severe swelling, etc. They are currently treating her for it and the expectation is that she will be fine in a few weeks. It is very rare (There seems to be no other kind of sickness in this family) and they aren't sure but suspect the medication she was on for causing it. (Also seems to be the thing in this family).

I have tried very hard to stay in perspective and not freak out about all of this. I did pretty well until last night and today. Just couldn't take it anymore. In a 24 hour period, Jake came down with Croup and was gasping for air all night, Dan needed to see a doc for the lingering horrible cough he has, I have an infection, and Kyler was complaining of feeling under the weather. That with the Aubree stuff, well lets just say I was not thinking really straight. I am sooooooooo glad to know that there is not anything foreign growing inside her head. I have had 8 days to ponder what I would or wouldn't do if the answer was different. I truly believe that we were all spared for a couple of reasons. First- I really don't think I could have handled it (So God didn't give it) and Second - there was an immense amount of thoughts and prayers sent out for Aubree and our family over the last few days. I am very grateful for the knowledge I have of the power of prayer and for the power of many, especially in prayer.

Thanks so much to the Talbert family for bringing us dinner when I was in no place to think of it and to all of you who thought of us and prayed for us. We felt an outpouring of love from many.

Hopefully, next post will be a happy uplifting post. It's about time for us to have one of these experiences.

~Christy

It's 2010 !

Well, 2009 was an interesting year for our family. It brought happiness, sorrow, hardship, surprises, questions, you name it, I think it happened in 2009. I can't say that I am not happy it's over, it was almost too much at times, but there were some good things that happened, but I am looking forward and hoping for 2010 to be our year. Whatever that means.

2008 left me without the use of my right arm. Just like the preceding years, the day after Christmas left me this way again. It was not an easy thing to deal with. Wondering why it was always that day. It was at that point that many of the docs had decided that I probably had MS. I started taking a steroid like they wanted me to, but ended up in horrific pain and it didn't help much. Then there was a long time of many docs that were supposed to be "EXPERTS" that turned out to do nothing for me. Then on January 23rd, about 3 weeks after Kyler was diagnosed with Tourettes, he got really sick. Like I had never seen before. He was running a high fever (106 degrees) couldn't eat, drink, or sleep. Had this weird rash from his head down to his knees and his eyes were so weirdly colored I can't describe. I took him to the doc that had prescribed the new meds because I was pretty sure it had to be a reaction of some kind. She said he had some kind of infection and to take him to the pediatrician. That reactions to meds didn't cause fever. Being very upset at this point, I took him directly to the pediatrician who did a bunch of blood work and such. Long story short, after fighting with the ped's nurse for 3 days, he was admitted to the hospital. He was having what I think was a seizure when we arrived there. His temp was still hanging out at 106 because he couldn't keep anything down to work on it. After spending several days in the hospital, they informed us that he had had a very serious reaction to the meds called Steven's Johnson Syndrome and that he probably only had 12 hours or less to live. After a week in there, he came home and has seemed to be OK in that way. During this time as well, Dan had applied for a job in St. George and we were looking at moving.

Fast forward to March. Dan and I took a trip to St. George and down to Vegas. We had a good time, but as we came home, m leg decided that it didn't want to work anymore. Dan had made arrangements so that I was up and moving around a lot so this didn't happened, but it did anyway. My leg has never returned to normal. Everyone was doing OK at this point of the year except me.

Fast forward to May. I had my first Social Security Hearing. It was not a good experience. Lost A LOT of hope there. Kids got out of school and there was the summer. Kyler spent most of the summer in football training. Tore his hamstring 1 week before the season started. Had a rough season. In August I had another SS hearing. This one was much better. We had a good experience and on September 4th I received the approval letter. This was a good thing as I was then finally able to have some security and validation for the pain and suffering of me and my family over the past few years. The plan had been to move too St. George by August first, but things changed and we didn't go. We're still here for the duration I guess.

September brought Volleyball for Megan and Football for Jake as well. We were some busy people for a while. Both of there teams went to the playoffs and far into them. We were able to receive some back pay from SS during this time of the year and were finally able to pay off some things. We still owe a few people, but things have seemed to level out somewhat. We had a good Thanksgiving and a great Christmas.

We have started 2010 in true Hansen fashion. Kyler has a shoulder separation from wrestling and I have been having severe migraines and pain over much of my body, but we are moving along and hoping for a very good 2010.

I hope that everyone has a good year. Things have to look up right?

~Christy

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to post a quick Merry Christmas to all of you! We love and appreciate all of you and yours. You love and friendships enrich our lives MUCH!

~Christy and Dan and the rest of us

Christmas

Since I was a little girl, Christmas was the greatest, most fun time of the year. I always had a blast helping put up decorations and decorating the tree. There were parties and just general "good cheer" all around. For about the last I'd say about 10 years, I have not seemed to be able to have the same "happy" feelings as before. Now I know that as we grow older and more mature (I know I'm getting older, not sure about the other yet) that we change roles and it's about making our kids and others feel those happy feelings. This is where I start to feel very inadequate. I no longer have the physical or emotional ability to deal with many of the things that go along with this. I'm not fond of shopping, can't cook very much, (I used to be the hostess all of the time), and my kids and Dan have to hang the decorations. Even wrapping presents becomes a literal painful experience. My poor Megan has had to take on WAY more than any 14 year old should have to. I really want to have those feelings back. I can't teach my family how they should be feeling at Christmas if I can't put myself there.

This time of year has become very scary for me. Not only is it a time of year that I become physically unstable on my feet, even more than usual, but it is the time of year that I have had a relapse of the original "strokelike" event. At least for the last 3 years. I know that the weather is a huge part of this, but I have paid very close attention to life happenings since this happened to me, and have decided much of it is that it is the time of year where I try to be most normal. I want to be involved in things like I have been in the past. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to be involved, if not, I would probably go crazy or die. But after I had been singing at some event 4 nights out of 7 like last week, that this is a huge part of my neck and head pain. I love to sing. I do it anyway and then pay the price later. Also, it is a really hard reality for me to not be able to play the piano the way I know I have been able to in the past. I appreciate those who are believing in me and asking me to play. It makes me feel much more a part of things, even though I know I can't give them the best that I have known I could before. My fingers and arm swell after doing pretty much nothing, so therefore not only is my coordination while playing off, my fingers don't move like they should.

I wish I had a picture of our Christmas tree this year. I don't remember EVER having a tree as loaded with presents as this one. We finally had the financial means to give our kids a very good Christmas. We have probably gone way overboard, but we have never had one like this before, and probably will never again. The idea behind it is to have at least this year that our kids will remember. They have gone without a lot in the past. Not that things are what's important, but they are a little. We have encouraged our kids to do service projects, especially at Christmas, every year, this year included. We hope that it will instill at least a little bit the reason for the season. Jake was sick during the first major snow storm this year and it was really hard for him to not be able to shovel all of the neighborhood driveways. I don't know why, but this year it has seemed to be really hard to find opportunities. Wonder if we are not looking in the right places. It just seems like much of the world has become very ornery and bitter. It's very hard not to fall in to this. We were at the store the other day and all 4 kids had done their shopping, with their own money and when we left they all wanted to put their change in the Salvation Army bucket. It was a proud moment, until I heard some one say, why would that mom let her child go all the way back there just to put in a quarter? To my 8 year old son, that quarter was a sacrifice for some one else. Why would some one want to diminish that feeling he was having of helping some one he didn't know with what he had to give. I don't think he heard it, at least I hope not. I guess maybe I am having a depression spell, but I was proud of my kids for that moment, and proud of Dan and I for doing something right in teaching them. I don't feel adequate to my job very often anymore.

Well, I'm sorry that this has been a pretty sad post, filled with sorrow. I long for the old days of people remembering what Christmas is all about. My wish for all of you is that you have a very wonderful Christmas with family and friends and loved ones. May we all find that inner child at this time of year !

Love to you all- Christy

If it doesn't work by clicking on it, copy and paste in to your address box. Very good things to remember at this time of year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PURToRRq7gM

MJ vs B Russ

My Comments of the Flash owners blog.

Good thing that gambling in Utah is illegal - everyone would want their money back if they don't win. What a bunch of whiners. With the exception of a few people that said that someone in the ticket office told them that Jordan was there, everyone else went on the assumption, or the gamble that he would be there. This game was promoted as "WILL HE SHOW?" Most of the people said that they would never but another ticket - they never bought a ticket before - I cannot believe you are offended that he was not there. Lighten up, if you missed a Jazz game and gambled that he might show up, get over it!!! If you watched the Flash come back from a halftime deficit to win the game in an exciting finish, then you got your moneys worth and should come back and enjoy another game. Every sports fan in Utah knows that there is a dnba team in Utah county now - come and enjoy the family friendly entertainment at a good price. B Russ stayed and autographed stuff for the fans after the game, and people who's expectations were not unrealistic had a good time. Thanks Brandt.

-Dan

They Didn't See the Forgotten Carols

Dan has worked at the McKay Center for several years now. He is always gone working, almost constantly during this time of year. Concert and games avail. He starts in like October trying to find out which concert or whatever I want to see. I am an avid music lover, so the concerts are very cool for me. I have seen Kurt Bestor every year,( it's been just knowledge that I was going to see him) and this year when he chose to not do a show at MEC, I started wondering what else I would like to see. I had never seen the Forgotten Carols and had often wondered what it was all about, so that is what I asked for. I have to say, I can't believe I've missed it in years before this. I love the music of KB, but Michael McLean stole KB's title. This show is a miraculous thing that pulls you out of whatever place you're in and plants you in a better place. There was mention afterward about how civil the traffic jam was. I said that everyone was in the Christmas Spirit and a mood for giving and that's why. If it had been a loud basketball game, things would be different. I do truly believe this. I have left many a game there, and have never been just happily let into a line of cars afterward. I had noticed in years past , that Dan always came home filled with a different spirit after working one of these. Now I know why. Kyler also got to experience it this time as he was working.

Let me explain a little about this show. It's about a person who through their trials in life has become very closed and emotionless. Even ornery. The show takes you through a series of things and this person is encouraged to find their "Carol". It's all about looking inside ourselves to find out who we are and show love. To find our 'Carol". Afterward, Michael McLean comes out and talks and plays some more songs. Then he has everyone sing together. It has really had an impact on my thoughts. I am trying to look inside me and find my "Carol".

My sister came and picked me up last weekend and took me out for an afternoon. It was much needed and much appreciated. I have been so busy this month and needed the reprieve. The traffic and attitudes on the roads that day were horrible. I mentioned to her that none of these people had seen the Forgotten Carols and that's why they were so ornery. She laughed, and now this is a standard statement when we come across this attitude.

This time of year is very scary for me. All of my major relapses have been during December. Mostly do to the cold weather. Plus, I am not completely stable on my feet anymore, so the snow and ice make things a little treacherous. I have really tried this year to bury myself in service. I have days that I've done WAY too much physically and have to take some time to recover, but emotionally, trying help some one else who may be struggling has made a way for me to get out of my own struggles and feel good about myself for a while. Plus usually the person or persons I have been helping feel better, so it's good all the way around. I am very happy to be included and given some responsibility in my ward. I know that people were just looking out for me before, but it has been hard to not have much responsibility. I feel more included now. I can't do a lot physically, but I'm good at planning and organizing. This year alone I have been in on the planning of at least 3 Christmas parties, and a birthday bash. Family ones included. I'm not so sure that my kids are happy about doing the leg work, but it's good for them :-)

I am so profoundly grateful, especially this year, for the love of my family and friends. Especially Dan, and my kids. It's been a very rough year for me personally, and I would not have made it through this far if it weren't for them. I hope that they feel of my love and appreciation. I am grateful for this season, and for the reasons we celebrate it. I am working on looking to a brighter future, even if it means experiencing it from afar.

May All of You Find Your "Carol"

~Christy

PS- I typed this a 4 AM, I hope it's understandable :-)