Wall Scratchings at the Hansen Asylum

Setting the Record Straight - Warning, it's a long one ;-)

2012-02-06T01:45:00.000-08:00

I have decided that it is time to explain some things and set the record straight so that I don't have to keep explaining to every individual person why I have done the things I have done and why my family feels the way they do. I was going to go to testimony meeting and do this, but my wise husband convinced me that it would be a bad idea and make things worse. I listened to his counsel but feel I need to do it this way. He said to tell everyone hello, so I think I have his approval. He knows how much this situation has consumed me and broken my heart and that I am doing everything I can to make things right. I hope that by doing this it will put all of the rumors and gossip and assumptions to rest. All of that is toxic and no one should be doing it anyway, but the reality is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, does it even when they don't necessarily mean to be doing it. Anyway, here goes.

A lot of this started way before it got really bad. A few years ago Dan was the High Priest Group Leader and was working 3 jobs and I had just been through some very bad health problems that have never gone away. Our son was diagnosed with tourettes and a few other things and had a severe reaction to meds they put him on and almost died. Our daughter was assaulted and a few other scary things happened. Anyway, Dan had asked to be released from his calling as the HPGL several times because he didn't feel like he could do it the way it needed to be done. This fell on deaf ears for a long time. When he spoke to the stake leader he was told he needed to do more. There were people undermining him and what he was trying to do to make things better and he was trying to deal with things as best he could, but when it finally came down to it, he was really having a hard time because no one would listen to his pleas for help. He just kept getting told he needed to try harder and just deal with things. I mean, he had a lot of things going on at home he was handling and trying to do his calling and work, etc. No one would listen. How was having more faith and trying harder (he couldn't have tried any harder) going to help? When the Bishop finally changed, he listened to Dan and helped to get him released. The problem is that while this was wonderful that he did this, it was too late, some pretty big damage had already been done. During this time, was when all of the Prop 8 stuff was going on. Dan has ALWAYS, and never said or done anything different, been a person who doesn't live or teach this lifestyle, but will not tell another person that they can't choose for themselves. He believes EVERYONE has the right to choose for themselves how they live and what they do. He is able to look past what they do and see the person and what is good in them. This to both of us is a fundamental part of the Gospel. Everyone is a child of God. However, he has a sister who is married to another woman and we have several gay friends and family and the very bold unsolicited counsel we have gotten has been pretty much that he needs to shun people who live this way, and if he doesn't, he supports it. There is a difference between supporting a person and supporting their way of life. This is his sister, he shouldn't have to shun her in order to have a good standing in the church. If this was just one or two people, it would be one thing. It has been the majority and a majority of time people in leadership. Our understanding of the Gospel is that we are to love others and not judge and realize that everyone has a right to choose their own way. We have many gay friends, some who are or were members of the church, that are living the Gospel, except in this area, much more clearly than many of the active members we know. This is a huge deal in our home. It is in our family and we have taught our kids tolerance and love for all. Much to the dismay of many who actually keep their kids away from our kids and us because of it. So much for loving your neighbor huh?

Kyler is a unique individual who has a lot of issues and we know that sometimes he is simply hard to be around or understood. His experience through his life and especially teenage years has been one of his peers at school and church treating him as if he was an alien who was out to get everyone. Very few have tried to understand, and when it came to 16-17 year old boys actually throwing rocks and dirt at him he finally said enough is enough. He has a sickness. Just because you can't see it by looking at him doesn't mean he is faking it or that he should be treated like dirt. He has had a very hard life. He has been able to for the most part get past these things, but maybe the rock throwing and things like that have stopped, but he is still shunned by most of the people his age. How is he supposed to understand that it is a Gospel of love when he has never gotten any? He can't change what is wrong with him and sometimes he uses it, but parents and others making excuses for their kids actions aren't acceptable either. He is no different than the other boy in the ward who had a sickness. There is nothing he could do to change it, and neither can Kyler. But the treatment the other boy got and still gets is much different that what Kyler gets. Believe me, some days I can barely get through with him and what he says and does. But I have to remember that in most cases, he can't help it and I understand and know his heart. He is a good, loving person. All it takes to know it for yourself is a little understanding and sincerely trying.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the church's standing on politics is that we are to educate ourselves on the issues and vote how we feel is best. Isn't that what the leaders of the church tell us? Well, this is another thing that has been huge. We have actually been told by some that you can't be a democrat and be in good standing in the church. Again, if this was a random person, no big deal, but when it's leadership it becomes a little confusing. Also, politics is brought into many lessons and activities. It has no business being in church at all. There is a reason the leaders of the church say they have no political standing. We are to choose for ourselves. Again, back to the attitude of you know better and if you don't think the way I do, you are a bad person. FREE AGENCY is a fundamental part of the church.

OK, so these are things that have been for a long time and really, they weren't causing much of an issue for a long time. Just started making us wonder why certain people were held to a certain expectation and others were allowed to get away with being contradictory to what they claim to be.

In case there was any question, I LOVE DAN AND I LOVE MY KIDS, AND THAT WILL NOT CHANGE! Just because I may not like or agree with everything they say or do does not mean I don't or shouldn't love them.

So a little less than 2 years ago Dan bought a new fancy camera. He had been called as the historian for our ward for the Pioneer Trek. We had 3 kids going on the trek so it was really cool. Dan has always had a camera in his hand in almost every situation. He can see a picture in everything. We will have memories forever because he has done this. At this point, he decided that he was going to try and get some experience as a photographer. He had a nice camera and some friends who were photographers who were willing and happy to help him get experience and teach him. Where things turned were when he took some questionable pictures. Like I said before, he sees a picture in everything and sees most things in an artistic way. He took some pictures of some WOMEN and they were questionable, but he NEVER hid anything. He sees beauty and art in the human form. I capitalized the word WOMEN because he has never and would never take any questionable image of anyone under 18. He isn't stupid and has a head on his shoulders. For goodness sake, he is a Paralegal, he has a form that has to be signed and takes ID for all. Has parents sign and attend with anyone underage, to protect not only him but them too. Also asks all people to bring a companion. This also makes it so no other person can take his images without his permission. Now I am not making excuses, I may not even agree with it, but again, I have no right to tell him what decisions he has to make. Where the problem came is when some one didn't like these pictures and assumed he was hiding them from me and the church. This person, instead of coming to Dan or to us, printed the pictures and took them to the Bishop and said they were worried about Dan and that they were worried about me and the kids because they thought he was hiding stuff from me. Now the Bishop did a good job of just talking to Dan and not being accusatory and judgmental, but then this person apparently didn't feel that he was punished enough or something, so they went on the most public forum they could and called him a pornographer and more a child pornographer and said he was taking advantage of young girls and that they had lost all respect for him and felt sorry for me and my kids and that he should never call himself an upstanding member of the church. When this happened, things went insane. My kids saw this, both of our families, many of our friends, etc. Honestly, I may not agree with some of these pictures, but I will always defend the fact that he has always been honest with me and doesn't keep things from me because he respects me enough to trust in me. We have been married for as long as we have because of this. Dan takes a lot of pictures, some that I'm not so fond of, but he sees art and beauty in everything and so far I haven't seen very many that you could say are anything else. It is hurtful that people think he is hiding things. IF HE WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT, HOW DID ANYONE SEE THEM?? That is not who Dan is. I really feel bad about this, because he is a very talented photographer and many people will never see any of his awesome work because they have judged him. He is a very giving person and will always help out when he can. Many are missing out because of buying in to the rumor and gossip. Anyway, when this happened, overnight he went from being a beloved, favorite YM President and HPGL, to a sick scumbag. Not many chose to actually find out what was really happening, the gossip and rumors and judgment went wild. I became a naive, immature person because I didn't leave him. Honestly, I have seen a lot things in my life and what he does I would not consider pornography. Pornography is a state of mind. It's what you think and feel when you see something, not the image. A person in a bikini may not always be tasteful, but it isn't pornography. People need to live in reality instead of in a bubble. If you live in a bubble too long, eventually when that bubble pops, you have no idea how to deal with life because you have never seen any other way. I'm not saying you should like or expose yourself or your kids to things, just that not everything is as "bad" as it may seem or some people think. Again, I didn't react the way many thought I should have, so now it means I'm supporting it. Also again, I support Dan, not always what he does, but it's not my place to say or do anything to make him do what I want. He has his agency. No one knows what he is thinking or feeling. Assumptions are not always fact. None of us are any different than we have ever been. We are loving people who would do anything we could for people, especially the ones we love and care about, but some how it has happened that when it's thought that a mistake is made, shunning and discrediting people is the way to deal with it. I'm pretty sure that there is no where in the scriptures or any counsel that a General Authority or Prophet has given where it says if some one makes a mistake, shun them and treat them like they are the devil. Again, people have decided their kids aren't allowed here because we are some how going to warp them. All of this could have been prevented by this person simply talking to us or Dan, instead of making assumptions and inflicting ultimate damage. This has never gone away. Just in December some one refused to let their child go to my daughters birthday party because of their assumption of what we would be doing. When we questioned this, we were told their child couldn't go because we needed to get our priorities straight. How this person even knew anything, is wrong. Either it was simply joining in the rumors and gossip, or some one said something that should have been kept in confidence. Either way, it's very hurtful. This particular person we have thought for a long time loved and cared for us. I don't know who to trust anymore. Dan is pretty much gone as far as church is concerned. He has always been not your mainstream member and has been treated very badly by many in the church his entire life. He is and always will be the loving, compassionate, caring, service oriented person people know and love. Just now he isn't "worthy" of this description in many peoples eyes. It makes me very sad, but the more this happens the harder it is for me and our kids to keep going as far as church is concerned. A persons worth is not defined by their actions, except when their actions are deliberate and hurtful. Anyone who has cared enough to get to know him or us, knows that he has a very deep knowledge and testimony of the Gospel, but can't condone many of the actions of the people. If you claim to represent Christ, you can't also be conceited and judgmental.

I have been dealing with chronic pain and a ton of health problems for over 5 years. In that 5 years, we had Dan's parents in our home, Kyler diagnosed with Tourettes, BiPolar Disorder, Depression, insomnia, and then later a auditory processing disorder. This means his brain doesn't process more than about 3 words of what are said to him. This explains a lot of why people think he is ignoring him and why some of what he says is way out there. He has to try and figure out what is said to him and then move on. A lot of what seems like lying is simply trying to make sense of what he thinks he heard. Not all of it, just a lot of it. Megan was assaulted and the person was never even really slapped on the hand. Just recently, Aubree was diagnosed with severe depression and we spent a lot of November and December on a suicide watch. We filed for chapter 13 because of medical bills, and many other things. I freely admit that I am not a real optimistic person, but when I ask for help to try and get through what has seemed like several of the hardest/darkest times of my life almost always what I am told is to simply change my attitude and that if I had more faith and a better attitude these things wouldn't have happened to me. So basically, it's all my fault. That I should simply paste a smile on and things will magically improve. No one should assume I haven't spent more hours on my knees pleading for help than you could imagine. No one has spent a day or any time in my shoes, ever. Telling a person who is desperately trying to hold her family, health, and life together that it's all her fault it is happening and that she needs to just be happy does not help. I don't ask anyone to fix my problems, just help me get through them. I know being around a person who is negative isn't easy, but again, understanding is the key. I have really been treated like I am a horrible person and literally shunned because I haven't handled my life the way others think I should have. I know of at least 2 families who have moved from this ward because of the judgment and treatment they and their kids were getting, and they are all doing much better now. We can't move, or would have by now. Besides, we like our house and most of our neighbors.

We put our 3 oldest kids in Karl G Maeser Academy a year and a half ago. We did it in the hopes that it would help them. It has done just that. Things are so much better for them there, especially Kyler. He has found acceptance and understanding there he has never had before. As far as church is concerned though, this has become a double edged sword. The Young Women especially have shunned our daughters. Even telling them that they can't be a part of their "group" because they aren't at school and stuff and don't know what they like and what's going on with them. It does get worse though. My daughter is in the Laurel presidency and has been shut out basically at every meeting. She is doing her best to promote unity but the other girls don't want to let her or other specific girls in. It's hurtful that this seems to be an allowed, even taught way to do things. I'm not saying the leaders are teaching it. I'm sure it's the parents, because most of their mothers are doing the same thing to me. My daughter suggested that during an activity they play a game so that they have to talk to people that they normally didn't talk to, so that they could all get to know each other. The others basically said no way. They didn't want to have to talk to others. Then recently she went to a camp meeting where the question was asked as to whether they should assign cabins and people or let them girls pick. The answer one of the girls came up with was that it wasn't fair to make them be friends with people they didn't want to. This is completely wrong! You are supposed to encourage unity and love and include everyone, but it appears that the cliques and conceit are encouraged in this case. My daughter doesn't even want to go to activities anymore because she ends up either sitting alone or with the leaders, who don't like that she's hanging around, because the other girls won't even talk to her. They talk about her and are rude. What is she supposed to do. She has tried everything. I feel so bad for her. I have felt the same way and experienced the same treatment. This daughter is one who LOVES girls camp. She has always loved it. This year she refuses to go with this ward because of the treatment and humiliation she experienced last year. She has an auto immune disease that takes all of her thyroid hormone produced. Because of this, she has a very hard time controlling her weight. There was a leader who humiliated her several times while at camp in front of others. Telling her to sit down that they only wanted the skinny people, etc. This was hurtful on many levels. She can't do anything more about her weight than she already is and it is NOT OK for anyone, especially and adult, whom she thought loved and cared for her to do. It didn't stop there either. This person has continued on throughout the year. The same person has started to get very ornery and mean whenever I have tried to speak to them. Also, this is the same person who will no longer let their child come here and think Dan and I's priorities are in need of straightening. Our other daughter has just come through a very hard part of her life where she contemplated ending it a few times. She has been shunned just like the other one. Also humiliated and publicly called a liar because she stripped the color she had put in her hair and made it very close to her real color. The other girl didn't like it, so she called her a liar. These seem like dumb things, but once you get all of them together and they repeat over and over again, it's time to just remove ourselves from the toxic environment. Oh yes, then there is the day that Jake and Megan went to church by themselves because they thought it was important, which happened to be fast Sunday. Well, during church that day the person who was so mean to her was put in as a camp leader again, and an adult brought candy to primary and handed it out. Jake ate some and got told off by another boy loudly in primary for eating it on Fast Sunday. Now come on!! It's ridiculous that kids think they can act like this, but that is what seems to be accepted. Even when they are 11 years old, they are taught to make everyone choose the right, not matter what!! Really, no responsible adult should be bringing candy to church on Fast Sunday. I'm not blaming them for causing a problem by bringing it, just that they should know it's going to cause a problem. They are kids. Our kids have been taught that they should fast on Fast Sunday, but that they can choose. If an adult brought it, they figure it was OK to eat. It's also very hard to not have anyone to talk to about these things. I have made my feelings known before to a leader and I became the tattle tail complainer. I certainly can't talk to my leaders now. They wouldn't believe what I told them.

I am one who absolutely hates it when people accept callings and then just don't bother to do them. Really, if you don't intend to give it your best, say no! It's so much worse to accept it and give the impression you are going to do it, but then don't. People are counting on you. I admit, I am very serious about this stuff. Right down to when I was in the hospital 5 years ago learning how to walk again, I sat in my bed on my computer with my hymn book planning the music for Relief Society for the next 3 months, or when I was recovering from major surgery on my stomach I was in ICU in my bed on my computer coordinating dinners to be taken to one of the ladies I visit taught who had just had a baby. It's the right thing to do. In this household service is taught from birth basically. My kids will do just about anything for anyone. I'm very proud of that. Recently, I coordinated over 30 block captains and set up an email for information regarding Orem City. Trying to help make sure people were prepared in case of an emergency and watching out for my/their neighbors. I have put A LOT of time and effort and work into this. I have been told no less than 20 times that no one cares if I do anything or not. Again, this has a majority of the time come from leadership. If I have no support from my leaders, how am I supposed to do anything that needs to be done? I have literally had to stand in an office and pretty much beg for approval, just to be able to do something I was asked by those same people to do. I was told the same thing when I was doing music in Relief Society, that no one cared except that I had actually made people leave because I asked them to sit in a section different than where "their chair" was for practice for the Christmas program. I have said it a lot before and will continue to say it until it sinks in. If you tell a person what they say or do means nothing, or that they are worthless enough, they start to believe it and become worthless and don't try anymore. There is a line from a movie that says, something like, once you're told you're not worth it enough, you start to believe it. I have recently been put back on medication for depression. The counselor I see tells me that he can't believe I made it this long before doing it. That most people would have lost it long ago. I didn't want to feel weak, but when I look at the last several years of my life, I realize that I deserve to have a little help trying to get through. I am not getting it from those I would have counted on and expected to be there for me, so this is the only way I can try to help myself. I HATE that I have to take them, but feel that it needs to be this way so I can be a decent wife and mother. Personally I think I have done pretty well trying to handle everything that has been thrown at us. I don't know anyone else who has had so many years in a row of constant trial. I am really trying to get through it with a little dignity. Hard to do when others are smearing us and not allowing us to forgive and forget and move on. We are told all of the time that we shouldn't get offended and need to forgive others. Well there are two sides to that. Those doing the offending have a responsibility to quit offending and in order to truly forgive, we have to be able to forget. If the thing you are trying to forget or be forgiven for is constantly thrown in your face, how are you supposed to get past it? Plus, how about when you are expected to repent and watched like a hawk for things you never did? Only what people think you did. Hard place to be, and it gets tiring being there all of the time. We are so watched that when I wore sunglasses to church to prevent a headache, I was asked what I was covering up. What happened? I'm tired of having to explain things. I had a few people who wore theirs as well in support, which I really appreciated, but honestly, it's ridiculous that I have to explain things every time I do anything. Where's your husband? Why aren't all of your kids here? Why is Dan working on Sunday? Really?? No ones business. This isn't concern, it's a way to tell me that we aren't doing things right. I really wish I could believe it was concern. I remember a time when this ward was so close like family that we were praised all over. People would have done anything for anyone. Wondering what happened. I haven't shared everything that has happened and been done to our family, but figure this is long enough and hit some main things. Just needed to set the record straight with some things so hopefully the assumptions will stop.

Really wishing I could go back to my ward and feel comfortable and accepted, but I can't and won't until things are made right for my children and for me. Honestly, if this is happening to us, there are certainly others and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do. Until people realize and fix their own attitudes and start within their own families, nothing will change. That's what we're trying to do. We don't claim to be perfect, just different. Hoping for a better day!

Christy

Random Thoughts

2012-01-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things.

Kyler is so close to being 18. He in some ways is way past this, but in many others is just not there. I worry about him and how he is going to get through his life. He has had to deal with so much throughout his childhood and teenage years. Honestly, I think for the most part he has dealt well, but some times, on days like today, not so much. It's so hard to know what to do and how to do it so he understands instead of getting upset and fighting against everyone and everything. He can see graduation in his grasp, but it is almost alluding him as well. I keep hoping, for his sake, as well as ours that he will catch the vision again and do this so he can be proud of himself. He really is a great loving person and a peacemaker once you get past the tough guy facade.

Megan is struggling in some places as well. She just doesn't know where she fits and doesn't know how to handle it. We're hoping she catches a vision soon as well. She just wants peace as well but doesn't know how to bring it to her.

Aubree is doing MUCH better than the last few months, but now she's sick and miserable. Hope she feels better soon. Aubree is definitely one for peace, all you have to do is look at her room, clothes, or any accessory. They are all full of peace signs.

Jake is just trying to figure out how to deal with what feels like a war zone around his home. He is a peacemaker as well, but he's also the baby and gets pushed aside a lot. You know, big kids don't want their little brother hanging around them. He has a lot of friends and tries to spend time with them. Who wants to hang with their boring old mom and dad?

Dan and I are just doing our best to get through it all. We have recently rediscovered ways to spend time together when we can, even if it's just a few short minutes. Life has been very stressful on all of us for a long time and has come close to breaking us a few times. We are just simply hanging on to each other and hoping and working and doing our best to keep our home and family together and find some happiness. Dan works so hard and so much that it is very hard for him to simply go on sometimes. Schedules will hopefully be changing soon and it will put him back to a schedule that will hopefully not throw his system off so much. He's such a good person and I LOVE HIM so much. I'm sure it's hard on him to not only have all of the responsibilities of a husband and father, but then to have me and all of my issues and inabilities and 3 teenagers as well.

It has been very rough lately trying to figure out what to do in regards to church. I have not been to our ward here since the 18th of December and won't be going back. I really miss some people and some things there, but there has been such a warped message from so many and what I can only describe as betrayal from some, that it is just not something I, or any of the rest of my family, can get past at this point. We have started attending a ward on the other side of the city. My friend from way back is there and invited us. Megan, Aubree, Jake and I went last week and discovered several people we knew there. They all love it there. We were welcomed and treated so well and just felt like we belonged there. We will probably continue to attend there, at least most of the time. It's so hard sometimes to distinguish between the church and the people. Especially when some of those people are ones you love like family and have for a LONG time. This is why it hurts so bad to find out some things like we have in the past while. My heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest. I am painfully, and I really mean it, aware that Dan or I, nor our kids are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes. It's not fair for us to have to live up to a higher expectation and when we fall, we're told and treated and if we are hopeless and worthless.

This is what we, as a family, and me personally, have been trying to work through. It's very hard when there really isn't anyone or anywhere to turn to feel loved and cared about. To those who have reached out to us, we really do appreciate it, but we are also very cautious now. We have opened up to some we trusted and thought cared about us and found out that some of those are the very ones betraying our trust. We aren't trying to hide anything, all we want is just to be us and have that be good enough and not horrible people you keep your kids away from. We are the same people we have always been, we haven't changed. We're just trying to raise our kids and get through life like everyone else. Somehow though, we have taken what we have been told is a wrong turn and have no desire to get back on the "right" path. No one knows our desires, that's ours and ours alone. Maybe people thinking they need to be dragging others kicking and screaming down the "right" path isn't quite the way things should be handled. Our PRIORITIES are not as messed up as you think, they are just handled in a different way. Doesn't mean they are wrong.

You see how this battle goes in my head every minute. It's not easy trying to figure it all out and try to heal my heart as well. I know when I am teetering on an edge that's not good. I have had a gift my whole life that has saved me more times than I can count. I am at that point again and I AM AWARE OF IT! The way I know is because the gift is that some that I love who have passed away are near. They tend to visit me in my dreams and sometimes not in my dreams. The past few nights my grandparents and my dog have all been with me. I know that sounds crazy, but Buddy was and continues to be a great comfort to me and he still does it when I am to a point that I just need unconditional love and care. He spent all night with me last night. Just laying by me and hugging me. I know many think this is totally immature and ridiculous, but he was literally what held me together through some of the hardest times of my life. My grandparents always have advice to give me. They have been there with their arms around me directing me in many of the things I have done lately. My grandmother warned me that I was going to have a major crisis in my life and need to count on them and others, before I had all of these health problems. The things they do and say have never steered me wrong or failed me. You see, I really do have good reasons for doing what I do. The love and respect I have felt for and from all of them is something I hold dear and carry with me. I believe this is how my prayers are answered. One gives me direction and advice that I know comes from love, the other gives me unconditional love and comfort.

Thanks to all of you who still care enough to read this blog. We love our family and friends. Please continue to love us, we need it.

~Christy

2011 Year in Review and a Decision

2011-12-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

January 2011 brought a few things. There have been ups and downs. After taking off my sock and getting a sharp pain in my foot, followed by swelling and black and blueness, I went to the podiatrist and found out that I had broken my little toe as well as 2 bones in my foot. This made me go to the regular doc to find out why a simple thing like taking off my sock could do this to me. They did a dexascan and discovered that I have moderate to severe osteoporosis depending on where on my body it is and that I have probably had it most of my life. This is added to my already degenerating spine and bone spurs I have all over my spine. The good thing about this is that because of this discovery, the doc looked over some of my past scans and said that he believes I broke my neck and that no one ever found it because they were looking for signs of a stroke. They had no reason to be thinking I had brittle bones as I was only 33 when this happened. This really does go along with what I have been telling the docs for 5 years now . I told them there was something wrong in my neck on the first night, they didn't listen. This doc seems to think that it wasn't a horrible break but the location was crucial and the fact that I was put through pretty rigorous therapy without the knowledge of the injury was probably the cause of the second instance. It's all speculation, but it really does make a lot of sense and gives me a little validation.

January also brought a promotion for Dan as he applied for a senior agent position and got the job. It has been a good thing, but is hard sometimes as the state has gone through several changes and many of them taking away resources from his department.

February was fairly uneventful.

In March our van finally died as we were expecting, so we had to find a different vehicle to drive. We were very lucky to have found our suburban and the people selling it were wonderful. They dropped the price immensely and we brought it home and it has been a very good vehicle for us. Only a couple of things have needed fixing and they are things you would expect for it's age and nothing major...(Knocking on wood).

April brought one year after my surgery. I was pretty upset for a while that I didn't make the 100 pound mark, but I have come to realize that maybe I wasn't suppose to lose that much at once.

May was a very hard month for the family and even more so for me. Our dog Buddy who had been sick for a while was put down. It was the humane thing to do, but it was and still is hard for me to do. He really was a lifeline for me and there is an empty space in our hearts where he belongs. Anyway, enough about that. May also brought some good things. The teachers and administration at the older kids school called me and suggested we get an IEP for Kyler. All people, including docs, have sort of come to the conclusion that Kyler is mildly autistic. They fixed things so he had special ed accommodations and a few other things and he has for the most part done a lot better. It also meant the end of the school year was near. Kyler did a lot of packets over the summer and only has a few now and is almost on track for graduation. We're keeping hope alive in regards to this.

June brought Aubree starting in cheer and fundraisers and practice, etc. Jake went again to football camp and loved it.

July, we had a huge BBQ on the 4th. It's fun for us. We played Independence Day bingo. It was really fun and we had little dollar store prizes for winners and stuff. Other than that, the only other thing I can recall from July was Dan and I's 22nd anniversary.

In August, Dan started a second job at Vivint. It's a pretty good job for a second one and he has been there 4 months and they seem to really like him. It looks like there is a lot a chance to advance in this job, so hopefully we will be announcing advancements soon ;-) August also brought the beginning of school. Kyler started his senior year, Megan her sophomore, Aubree 8th, and Jake 5th. Aubree was deeply involved in cheer and Jake in football. August =busy at our house. Megan was named the chief editor for the yearbook and has done a good job. Also, she finally got her driving permit :-0

September was pretty uneventful, other then Megan turning 16 and I was diagnosed and started medication again for depression...UGH!

October brought Dan's 40th birthday. He posted a great blog post on here then, it's a good read.

November brought a few sort of scary things. In November Aubree started on a downhill spiral that happened quite fast and ended with her being diagnosed with pretty severe depression and the request for more testing. She really struggled badly and went through a suicidal and cutting phase. Sleepless nights and cry filled days filled much of November. We had a nice Thanksgiving here at our home though.

This sort of brings me to the next thing. The decision that I have fought making for a LONG time. Be aware, that I did not make it lightly or without careful thought and consideration. I even asked advice from people I trust and respect. It is a decision I have made on my own and for myself and Dan and my kids. It is better to have a mother with a clear head and heart than one who is conflicted all of the time. I know you will all be upset over this, but I had to do it for myself. After I finally decided, I have felt a HUGE weight lifted.

My "Wizard", ( a neuro-psychologist) that I see a lot taught me this exercise a long time ago that really seems to work. I had forgotten about it to some extent, but today when I saw him he asked me to do it again. What he said was when I am conflicted about what to do or how I feel about something I should sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and think about whatever or whoever the confliction is. If I close my eyes and feel peace thinking about it, then it is probably something I should fight for or consider a good thing, but if when I close my eyes it upsets me in any way, it is probably not such a good thing. The silence and the eyes closed helps ones conscience work better. It also takes away distraction and heightens your other senses. ( one reason you should close your eyes when you pray) So today, as I was trying to work through some of my conflictions I discovered that whenever I think about church it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Basically, Wizard said he saw a complete change in my demeanor when I thought about church. A tenseness. Now don't get me wrong, he would never tell me what to do and he is a very good man who is a member of the LDS church and is very dedicated, all he did was observe me. I thought about this and discussed it with him for a bit and when all was said and done, what I realized is that I literally force myself to go and come home unhappy and unfulfilled every Sunday. Not to mention the physical sickness I come home with most of the time. I literally get a headache and sometimes more by going. Church is supposed to be a place where you get peace and feel better when you go. I don't. I feel alone and apart and pitied and judged. None of which have any valid reason for happening, but they do. I don't even think people know they're doing it. Now I am not putting blame on anyone but myself. The thing is, if it is doing this to me, there is no reason for me to be going. I know the gospel to be true and I believe that I live in a manner pleasing to God. I feel that I can be a better wife and mother and good person in general by taking myself out of this situation. I will no longer be attending church, at least not on a regular basis. I will stay home and spend time with my husband. Our kids will be given their choice and will be supported in whatever choice they make regarding attending. I however will not be going and would hope that those people who know me will respect my decision and know that I am respecting them by stepping away. I would hope that I would be released from any positions I am currently in and be allowed to live my life and Dan and our family allowed to live theirs as well. I love and respect so many people and all I am asking is the same respect in return. At least some of our kids love church and I would hope that they will be shown the same love and respect now without us attending. This doesn't mean we will never be back, just for now is all.

Please know this was not an easy decision, but I have to take care of myself and my family. Right now it needs to be this way.

~Christy

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T22:21:00.001-08:00

Well, it's Christmas Eve for 2011. It has been another interesting year. We some how always end up having Christmas sneak up on us and we aren't ready for it. No matter how much we prepare it seems. It always seems to work out some how though. Every year both Dan and I spend several days and weeks worrying and fretting but all ends up well. This year my kids have done the wrapping. I give each one another ones gifts and they wrap them. It works out well and keeps me from endless wrapping.

A few days ago one of Kyler's friends, a girl ;-) called him to ask if he could deliver a sub for Santa to some one. He of course said yes. With all of his quirks, he is a very compassionate person. This was a very good experience for him. I went with him, as well as Jake and when we got there the woman who answered the door just sobbed and kept thanking us and saying, "You have no idea how much this means". I just told her that there are a lot of people in hard times this year and that this was their Christmas miracle and that it is OK to accept it and have a wonderful Christmas with her husband and kids. She seemed to accept this. As we were returning home, Kyler said "I feel like I'm going to cry." I told him it was OK, that he had been a part of some ones Christmas miracle and that it was good for him to see how much parents love their children and how bad they feel when they can't do everything they wish for them. Jake was very touched as well, he commented that their tree had no ornaments or presents and that this made him sad. He has been great this year especially to tell us that he really didn't need anything and that the things he really wants aren't that important if he doesn't get them. My boys really felt the true meaning of Christmas by doing this act of service. I am really proud of them.

My girls, especially Megan have been cooking and dipping, etc for days. I haven't been feeling well for the last several days so they pretty much did it for me. Aubree has been pretty busy, so Megan has been doing it solo a lot. I think this has helped all of them learn a good lesson this year.

Dan has been working 80 hour weeks since August. It really takes a toll on him, but he is so committed to taking care of his family and giving his kids whatever they need and what they have reasonable desires for that he pushes through. He recently was able to become part of a small co-op with another phenomenal photographer so he will now have regular access to a studio and all of the equipment that comes with it. I am so proud of him for chasing a dream and making something out of it. Not everyone appreciates his talent, but he really is a great photographer. This is very helpful that the other photographer has basically taken Dan under his wing and wants to help him be a success. He has the same name as Dan's brother, so our kids call him "Uncle Pete."

Today, we woke up and went to breakfast at my parents. It's an annual tradition that was a little different this year as we did it on Christmas Eve, but my parents prepare breakfast for all of us and we exchange gifts from mom and dad/grandma and grandpa there. Then this afternoon Dan's sister and her family came down from Idaho so we had dinner with them and Jim and Shirley and exchanged gifts. It was fun. We have eaten well today...LOL.

I am trying very hard to fight of a cold or sickness of some kind. I have been very lucky to have not gotten most of what has gone around. It's a good thing as I really can't deal with more sickness than I already have on a regular basis. I am trying hard to be hopeful and see the bright side. Some days are harder than others ;-)

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week.

~Christy

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will post again with my annual "year in review" next week.

~Christy

Trying to Figure Out Why

2011-11-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

I know that this is not a happy, grateful, typical Thanksgiving/Christmas post, but it's honest.

I am constantly being told to just say what I think or feel and not to worry about what others think or say about it. The problem is, when I do this, I am immediately hit with a lecture about how I shouldn't be saying things like that because no one wants to hear things that aren't happy and positive. While I understand that no one wants to be around some one who is just totally negative, how am I supposed to know what is or isn't going to make some one upset. I have actually found that I can say or do something that I feel is totally uplifting and wonderful and then be lectured on how wrong it is or how it's not OK to agree with or think that way. I literally feel as though I cannot say or do anything right. I don't suppose that I have to be right or the best at everything, I am NOT perfect, far from it, but every now and then getting back a compliment or being told "Good Job" would be nice. I am really feeling inadequate at the moment. That's not even true, I haven't felt adequate for a very long time. Here in lies the problem...

I have gone to counseling regularly for 5 years now. I have recently started taking medication for depression...again. I have had major surgery to improve my quality of life and prolong my life. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for myself, my husband, and my kids. Where has all of this gotten me? More sad and depressed than I think I have ever been. I really don't feel there is any reason for my presence in my home. I don't feel there is reason for my presence in my ward, my neighborhood, or anywhere else for that matter. I am so tired of tension, fighting, and general backstabbing and meanness. I honestly can't do anymore for myself or anyone else. I know that this will bring on the lectures on how strong I am and how I can get through things if I just count on God. That lecture is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone could say to me. I spend more time in prayer than anyone could possibly imagine. After more than 5 years, some of which I have been literally fighting for my life, I have ended up in a place where I have almost no friends to confide in, a son who has a lot of issues that he is so stubborn he won't let anyone help him with and who pretty much despises me, a daughter who feels so outcast-ed she has contemplated taking her own life, a husband who is so tired from working so much he can't be who he wants to be, and many other things that I can't put on here for fear of causing major problems in other parts of my life. How much counting completely on God, handing it all over, can one person do before the twinge of doubt creeps in? I have a strong testimony and know what is right and wrong, but I really can't count on only this anymore. What I have learned in the past few years is that no one ever really forgives you. That people expect you to forgive them for what they do, that it's your duty, but that then to many that means they can keep doing things to you freely and without guilt. Then tell you you are in the wrong because you don't forgive. I have learned that people, even some whom you trust and love, learn things about you and make quick judgments without ever asking you or trying to understand or even ask if it's true. Pretty much everything that I ever believed about many people in the church has been changed forever. I know the church is true and that people aren't perfect and are human, but I have seen so much hypocrisy and contempt by some who use the church as their backing in the past couple of years I don't know what to feel anymore. It would be OK if they were being punished or reprimanded for what they are doing, but they're not. It seems to be an accepted way to be. This is completely in conflict to what the church teaches. Maybe now some of you can understand why I am so conflicted all of the time. I literally have no one or nowhere to turn to try to work through things. I am either judged, betrayed, or ignored. All I have ever asked of anyone is to just listen. Don't fix me, just listen and be there for me while I am trying to work through some of the darkest days of my life.

I am trying my best, but it simply isn't enough. I am really tired and very discouraged. I really don't know how much more or how much longer I can handle. I need love and attention. Please know that I love my husband and my family. That will never change.

A Pirate Looks at Forty

2011-10-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

When I started to look back at my life and contemplate where I am in the journey at the age of forty, an event that could arguably be the middle of my life, I started to feel the tinge of depression. I have worked so hard for so many years and yet, where am I in the scope of things? I still struggle every day with my jobs, my family, my religion, my inner peace. But then my mediation took another turn.

Where am I?

I am a high school drop-out who now has three college degrees.

I am the husband that got married at seventeen years old, and that against all odds, am still married to the same person twenty-two years later, with four great kids.

I am the outsider whose parents never owned a home until after I moved out, and am the proud owner of a humble, but sufficient abode located on a very small patch of ground just a few yards from where I spent my formidable years in a basement duplex sharing a room with my younger brother.

I am the smoker that picked up the habit while working a summer job at the age of fourteen and quit after the birth of my son.

I am the drinker that started drinking very young, but gave it up around the same time as the smoking.

I work two jobs, but I get my bills paid, I have insurance and a 401k, and I am able to provide some of the luxuries of life to my kids. I don’t make a lot of money, but I make more than a lot of people do and feel that I am blessed to be able to have two full-time jobs when some people cannot find one good job.

I am at peace with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, although I am having difficulty with my chosen religion and some of the people within it. I have the mind set that each person has the right to think, feel, and act anyway they desire so long as it does not interfere with another persons ability to think, feel, and act in the manner that they choose to. To each their own. Live and let live.

I still have the urges and desire for my vices, and occasionally they get the better of me, but I keep them under control and have so far been able to avoid re-introducing those habits into my daily life.

We certainly struggle, but with the help of family and friends, we make it through. Raising teenagers is much harder than I had imagined it, and everyday it presents new issues.

I have a hobby that allows me to look at life and nature in a whole new way. I love to take pictures. I wish I had time for art school, but for right now, on the job training is teaching me how to better create stunning images. I shoot various themes, but I love to shoot people. I love to shoot the beauty and depth that is the human spirit. Not everyone finds beauty in the shots I take, but I guess that is part of trying to find some sort of inner artist.

I worry about Christy’s health and how much longer her body is going to function, but I am committed to help her with whatever struggles are ahead.

I have many goals that intermix will my standard bucket type list;

I want to be to the point within the next two years where I am able to work just one full-time job. This requires debts to be paid and advancements to be made, but I will be working toward this.

I want to remodel my house to include a family room/studio built in the carport.

I need a new camera, lenses and studio lighting.

I want to spend more time with my kids doing things that we all love to do.

I want to go to Burning Man.

I want my insurance to start covering weight loss surgery.

I want to spend more time with my brother and sister and their families.

I want to live long enough to collect the retirement that I work so hard for, and hope that the government does not find a way to take it all away before I get there.

I want to see all of my children graduate from high school, move out of my home, and have families of their own.

The last forty have been tough and I certainly have regrets, but my trials have put me in the place where I am today. I regret not spending more time getting to know my neighbors and then having them move and missing the times that we never had. I regret the financial situation that I am now in that takes me away from family when they need me the most.

I look at the next forty years with optimism. I look forward to getting my house paid off and getting a little bit of a nest egg built up so that we, with a lot of luck, will be able to spend quality time with family and friends in retirement. I value the relationships that I have with the few people that I have relationships with, and look forward to building relationships with more people as time moves on.

I know that this post has been long and meandering. Thank you for taking the time to read it, it is nice to know that there are those people in my life that care enough about me to take the time to muddle through my meandering thoughts to see if there was any logical statement of conclusion at the end. Sorry to disappoint you, this is it.

Randomness

2011-09-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

Just sitting here thinking. Since Dan started this second job I have had WAY too much time to just sit and think. Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes not so much. I am one who generally over thinks because I really want things to be perfect. This works well sometimes, but also occasionally gets me in trouble.

Tonight I took Jake to pack meeting. Jake got his Webelos badge and I think I counted 6 other awards. I was pinning things for quite some time. I am pretty proud of him for doing this, especially since he did this during the last month and missed the first few weeks of scouts after football season started. He is now officially working on his arrow of light then as soon as he gets that he can start going with the 11 year old scouts. Jake really is a hard worker and pretty dedicated to do well in whatever he chooses to do.

A few weeks ago Dan had a photo shoot with one of the models he has shot several times. I know her fairly well so I decided to go with him this time. Plus, it gives us a while out together. Anyway, after he finished with her he had a few frames left on his card, so he took a few of the two of us. I had not done anything with my hair and was wearing a shirt that was way too big, but I LOVE a few of them. Dan really is talented with a camera and I wish he could do more with this. I guess the time will come. He is a free spirit about many things and it sometimes kicks him in the rear, but everything he does has a good reason behind it, even if sometimes it seems crazy. Here are a few of the pics taken that day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this first one. Even though I don't look my best.

Dan had just shaved of that beard and I was enjoying his face. No, he wasn't making a fist, it's his remote to his camera ;-)

I'm so glad that he did this. As uncomfortable as I am in front of a camera and don't think I photograph well, it's nice to have a way to remember a few of these happy moments together. The last while has been pretty rough on us. This picture makes me happy.

OK, so I can't think of anything else specific to say, so I'll leave it at this. I told you it was random...LOL

Christy

Thinking Again...I Know, It's a Scary Thing

2011-08-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of weeks I have had several things run through my mind because of several things happening. Most of these things are those that I really didn't ever think would become reality. In hindsight, they had to, at least most of them, but at the very least I had hope for them not to.

Aubree is starting 8th grade and is on the cheer leading team for her school. This really is a very good thing for her. She has been the one of our kids that has had a hard time figuring out who she is. She has not really been involved in anything until the last year. Last year in the kids new school she had the opportunity to become involved in choir and a few other things which in the end gave her the confidence to try out for the cheer team. She is very dedicated and has made almost every practice (even the 6 AM ones) and given her all. It has been very hard to know that we simply couldn't pay for it. The coaches have been great and tried to have fundraisers, etc., but so far it hasn't done much to help this situation. We think we have finally gotten the financials as far as cheer goes worked out, so hopefully, as long as we figure out how to get all of these uniforms and stuff bought, she'll be fine. Besides all of this, the drama cheer has brought into out life has been pretty hard to take lately. One of the other mothers accused and reprimanded her in front of the rest of the team and without either of us present, then proceeded to tell everyone she knew that our daughter was doing something horrible. While we are not the most strict set of parents, she was not doing what was accused and this other mother was totally out of line in doing what she did. It has been very hard, but I have tried my best to take the high road and let it go. What happened though was as I was working to let it go, this other mother threw it in my face. It's one of the hardest things to hear when some one tells you that you have a horrible child. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am quite proud of myself though, I told her that I know what my child is doing and that she is a good person and that I didn't appreciate her assumptions toward us. Anyway, we parted ways and have since just tried to forget. This is the best thing, as I had to use every bit of strength I have to not punch her in the face ;-) I have been told I'm a bad mother before because of another of my children's actions and sometimes it's hard to keep remembering that I am actually doing pretty well. I do have some strong willed kids, but I think in many cases in life this is a good trait for them to have. Determination brings results. Letting others decide your life isn't not admirable. It doesn't always make it easy as a parent, but I feel like we have instilled in our kids a sense of them knowing they have the ability to fight for what they want and feel they need.

Over the summer Kyler has worked pretty hard on packets to get some credits made up. Right now he is 5, and testing on one more, packets away from being totally caught up. We are pretty proud of him for doing this. He seems to have finally caught the vision and swears that he is going to work hard and graduate. I cannot express how proud I will be when he does this. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to deal with some of the things he deals with. I'm really hoping for the best here and praying he doesn't let himself and the rest of us down. He has a lot of support at this school from teachers, administrators, and students too and here at home as well.

Megan is starting her sophomore year and has been chosen as the Chief Editor for the yearbook. I have never seen her this excited for school. I have never seen any of them excited like this year. Anyway, she has decided that she is going to focus on school this year and get good grades. This is a huge decision and sacrifice as volleyball has been a huge part of her life.

Jake is starting 5th grade and has started back with football for this season. It sounds like he is going to be playing the Center position. He says his coach tells him he's the best shotgun snapper. We really like his coaches. They are wonderful men who sincerely care about teaching these boys good character traits and how to be honest upstanding people on and off the football field. He is really a pretty good kid.

I have had the experience lately of helping my parents with getting to appointments and things. They are aging and slowing down a lot. I know it's inevitable, but the reality that they are not going to always be around is hitting me pretty hard. I really don't know what I'll do when they are gone.

Recently our neighbors have had to deal with the death of their son. I never met their son, but I have been thinking about them almost constantly. I hope to never have to go through this or any experience like this. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child, even and especially as an adult. I hope they can get through this time feeling the love of God and all of us who are hoping to be able to help in some way.

Dan has started a second job. He just finished training on Friday and has worked 2 shifts since. He is doing well and already has secured himself some commission. I cannot express how much I appreciate and admire his dedication to doing his best to take care of us. He is so tired and works very hard for us. I really miss him and wish things weren't how they are, but reality is reality and he is doing his best to meet it head on. If we can just get through the next month or so of trying to play catch up, we should be OK and he can relax a little. I love him so much. We have been through a lot in that past 23 years. It really shakes me to my core when things happen and makes me feel insecure about anything regarding us. I'm really trying, but having a hard time understanding why the challenges we have had and continue to face are coming our way. Some one said just earlier today that if we have true faith we don't need understanding. I'm working on that one. I guess I'm not as faithful as I thought I was. Honestly, I have been living solely on faith for years and my issue now is being able to trust it. It's a very scary place to be, but I'm continuing to work on it. I am still trying very hard to feel more a part of my ward. I know part of my problem of feeling not a part of things is me, but it's going to take some time to be able to regain the trust and feeling of love and acceptance I have felt in the past. Some happenings over the past years have just shaken my ability to trust almost anyone.

It has been 3 months since we put the dog to sleep. I feel so much like a baby, but I still really miss him. Most days I am fine and don't even think about it, but there are times that I find myself just missing him. He was my sure listener. My "fur therapy" that was always there loving me no matter what. I feel ridiculous for still being this emotionally distraught, but only I know the bond that we had and I have to be able to move on in my own time. I love the cat and he has really tried to take up where the dog used to be there for me, but he is a cat and just doesn't have the same personality. He does come lay by me when I'm really upset about something and it's great. Just not the same though. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a dog, but I still have a gaping empty space in my heart.

I truly hope there are still some people out there who read this blog. It is a necessary part of my ability to move forward and keep trying to feel better. I have been counseled by a very wise man to do this. I hope that you all understand.

Christy

More Rambling In the Night

2011-08-01T01:07:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is at 1:30 AM...again and I'm awake, typing on this blog *sigh*

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have pretty much been on an emotional and physical and whatever other way you can imagine roller coaster. I can tell you very honestly that it is not a fun ride to be on and that I have wished many times that I had not stood in line to ride it, but I apparently did stand in that line so now I'm on the ride for the duration. It's funny that in my recollection I was standing in line for the nice, slow, relaxing and refreshing ride but somehow I must have stepped into the other line or something...Hmm?

School starts in exactly 22 days. This brings me much happiness in one way, but breeds fear in another. Having 2 kids in high school and one in middle school makes for some pretty expensive weeks ahead. Jake is still in elementary so it's not so bad, but there are still things like school clothes, etc. One plus to having our older kids in a charter school is that they can wear the same clothes they did last year. Their uniforms don't change...YAY!!! They are all going stir crazy right now and are in turn driving me there, so I am thrilled that school will bring back some order to their lives. Kyler is a senior this year and I think (I say this with fingers crossed and much hope) he has finally decided he is going to really work hard this year because he wants to graduate. Megan is a Sophomore and decided to fore go volleyball this year to concentrate on school, plus she is the chief editor for the yearbook this year. Also, she just got her learners permit. It's so terrifying when they are learning. Especially now with all of the construction. Aubree is in 8th grade and made the cheer team back in April. She has been very diligent and gone to almost every practice, even the 6 AM ones all summer long. Jake is happy with the teacher he got and is hoping to be playing football soon. School time is quite busy, but the order and schedule it provides is so much better for everyone. It really is the most wonderful time of he year.

Dan will be starting a new, second job on the 8th. We are very excited about this. I am very happy that hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and not be so strapped financially all of the time. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty or like it's my fault that we have been having such a struggle. I know that there is no way I could have prevented what happened to me and that I try to do everything I can to help out here, but it's hard to know that Dan will not be home with us and will be working literally all day every day and how tired he will be. I really hate not having him here, but know it's a necessary thing right now. I don't know how I would have ever survived if we had had kids while he was in the Navy. I guess God knew better!

We had our annual trip to the dentist 10 days ago and I guess it's a good thing we went. Everyone but Aubree had to have work done. Part of my reasons for being awake right now is that my mouth is still hurting from the 2 crowns and some other fillings I had done on Friday. I knew it would cause me a headache, which it has, but my jaw (pried open very wide for 2 hours) and the spots where the temporary crowns are are so sore and nothing seems to get rid of it without me taking something really strong, which I can't do being the responsible adult at home :-) I feel bad complaining too much. Kyler had all 4 wisdom teeth out at the same time as I was having this done, so he is undoubtedly suffering as well. Dan had a crown and Megan and Jake both had some fillings. Thank goodness for a good dental office and the fact that we overpaid a couple of years ago, it made it so we could get all of this done now. I however am not excited to go have more work done in 2 weeks. I hate knowing the headache is coming.

I am trying to find my way to the nice, happy, relaxing ride through life and find myself there every now and then. I am just still trying to stay off the roller coaster. I'm sure I will be on it still probably more than I would ever choose, but I'm working my way off. Let's hope they shut it down for maintenance ;-)

Christy

It's Not On Purpose

2011-07-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone who really knows me knows this, but I guess it has become too much for mostly everyone, including me. I wish that I could just make everyone (including myself) understand, but I guess that is not going to happen, so I'm reaching out now in the hopes that some one out there hasn't completely written me off as a total downer and will try to help me.

The first thing I wish to convey is that I really am not a pessimistic person. In fact for most of my life I was praised for the hope I carried and that I always have a smile on my face. I have had enough rough life experience in the last several years that I am really having a hard time finding the good parts. One problem I do have is that helping me seems to equate to most that I am asking them to "fix" everything. I haven't and wouldn't ask anyone to fix things, they can't. All I have ever asked is for people to try to understand that it's a work in progress. Some one telling me, and I quote, "You have no right to say anything to anyone that isn't completely positive. You have asked for everything you have had happen to you and that you just have a bad attitude" does not help me at all. I realize that there are probably many negative things that come out of my mouth, but they are never directed back at the person I'm with and telling me I'm just a bad person who deserves all of this does not in any way help. I cannot recall ever treating anyone like this. I can't understand it. I really am trying to be positive. I was doing pretty well a while back, but it's really hard for me some days. Sadly, most days lately. I have really tried to let some things go, but they just keep coming and getting worse and it's harder to forgive and forget each time.

We have narrowly averted several major problems in the last few months. We continue to struggle financially and are trying to cut and adjust in any way we can. Unfortunately many places won't work with people at all and some things we simply can't get rid of. It's very hard to try and figure out why these struggles continue. Facing the fact that we will probably have to not let our kids be involved in those things they love and are excelling at is heartbreaking. We have worked at doing better our entire marriage. We just seem to be given many challenges and some days they are too much to bear. Many days.

The following things are some of the confusing things that have been said to me lately and that are hurtful and hard for me to get past. I will get there some day, but I really wish they would stop happening so much so that I could succeed in forgetting. I really thought that we were past this issue and recently found out that it is still festering in some. What I don't understand, and run a huge risk of losing what good has been built lately in regards to Dan, is how I can always be negative and expect the worst and never see the good but also be naive and childish in believing that things are fine in my marriage and family by always defending them. Is that not a contradiction? I'm supposed to be happy and optimistic, but always be on my guard and not trust the people I love? I don't get it. Also, I have never said that everything was perfect, but I do know what's going on. How can I do this? How can I be too naive and childish or "happy" and positive, which is I guess wrong? But not feel or say anything about being upset or frustrated either? So I guess what I need is an explanation of exactly how I am supposed to do whatever the right thing is. FOR THE RECORD!!! I know exactly what's going on in my home, I have never asked for an opinion on how BAD we are. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS and just because we don't live in a bubble or make our kids live in one does NOT make us bad people. Dan is fiercely loyal to us and a VERY talented photographer, but most don't know this because THEY can't get past what they think is going on to see that talent. We are the same people we have always been. There is a HUGE difference between being members of the church with strong testimonies and members who think we have to go out and force others to have it. We have gay friends and family, we have friends and family who drink, we have friends and family who smoke, we have friends and family who are doing many different things that we may not necessarily agree with or approve of for our choices, but these people are the only ones who seem to see who we really are and because we have respected their differences and their right to choose their own way, they are some of the closest friends and loved ones to us. However, we cannot have all of the people we know and love around us because others are so worried about OUR choices that they think we are making that we have been lumped into this group of "BAD" people and literally shunned and treated like we are heathens. Not only by members of the church but by others as well. It really hurts when it's people that are or have been considered family do this.

This really is a plea for help. I am in a pretty bad place right now and don't know how much longer I can hold it together. I fight it every day and I am losing the will to fight pretty quickly. I want to feel better in so many ways. The reality is that I don't feel good physically very often, but if the other things were better it would be a lot easier to deal with the physical things. I really am doing everything I can to help myself and my family. I really need to know that I am loved, even if I'm not the perfect person people want me to be.

~Christy

Finding Purpose

2011-07-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I was in a class and the subject was "Finding Your Purpose". There were other things along with it, but we sort of got stuck on this part, so I guess that was what we all needed to hear. Not to diminish the other parts though. They are important, I just can't remember the others enough to confidently talk about them here. It really did stand out to me though, like I was supposed to hear it when I did.

For a very long time I have been searching for my purpose. Years ago I thought I had found it, but then everything changed. I guess my purpose in that respect changed. For the last almost 5 years I have been in constant and consistent change, but I think I finally understand why. This doesn't mean I will never have a day of total discouragement, just that for now I understand. When you are going along in life and things are going well you don't expect it to take a major turn and seem to go backwards, but that is exactly what happened to us. Seven years ago we were doing great! Getting ready to buy our house, both of us in school and working, (I had a job as the exec. asst. to the VP of Academics at UVU) kids doing pretty well, finally pretty deeply involved in church and with our ward members. (this is something I think about a lot, that we were doing so well because we had let God into our home and family) Dan was the Young Men's President and things were going pretty well. One day in June of 2004 Dan all of a sudden got really ill and was in severe pain. It was discovered that he had a kidney stone. After a month of trying to figure it out, they discovered and removed a tumor from his parathyroid. This gland regulates levels of minerals and stuff in the body. Therefore his calcium level was unregulated and he developed a kidney stone. During this time I had walked out of my job, and 2 people died withing days of each other. One was my aunt and the other was the person I had been working in place of and the person everyone hated me for "replacing". I remember telling some one that I never wanted to go through a year like 2004 again. I never did have a year like 2004 again, they got progressively worse. We made so many changes in 2005. We bought our house and a new car, moved Dan's parents in, got new jobs, etc. 2006 hit with a vengeance. This is when I got sick. All of a sudden I was no longer able to work or go to school. Kyler especially was having a hard time in life basically. It seemed, and has continued to seem as though everything I/we had built was gone. I could no longer be the wife or mother I had worked so hard to be and now it was all on Dan to carry us. Anyway, I have gone through so many doctors and tests and have had to learn to advocate for myself so much during these years. I always wondered why I had to o through this. What I discovered was that I had to learn how to advocate for myself BIGTIME, but that when Kyler almost died I was able to advocate for him with some pretty good precision. I would not have know how to do it if I hadn't gone through it myself. Fast forward a few years to a more present time. The last year or so has been very hard on Dan especially. He has had a lot of stress trying to take care of us. He also tries to help his parents and friends, anyone who needs it. What happened though is that he finally hit a wall and just couldn't keep carrying all of this burden. He still doesn't understand his potential that I and many others see. He is wonderful the way he is, but has so much more to offer if he would let it happen. This past while has been very hard and trying on us, but I have learned that some of the things he is dealing with are things that only I can help him with. Only I have the certain specific understanding of him that he needs. I'm not trying to make myself look important or something, but I understand my purpose in these things. I am here dealing with what I'm dealing with because I have a certain special something that Dan and my kids need, that no one else has. I cannot even say how hard the past years, especially the past one, have been, but I'm hoping with a little understanding of why, it will help me to get through it a little easier and better.

Recently some good friends of ours have had a really rough time. I feel like some of the things that we have gone through over the years have made it so that when our friends needed us, we were able to be there for them and they could confide in us and we would know what to say and do to help them.

Tomorrow will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. We, or at least I, am asked all of the time how we did it. How after getting married at 16 and 17 years old, we have beat all of the odds and stresses against us and stayed together. My answer to that actually sounds pretty simple. It is that not making it work has never been an option. We have and still do actually work through whatever problems and issues arise. Sincere love and fierce loyalty and trust play a huge part as well. The past year has been quite hard at times and a challenge for us, but we continue to fight for us because we love each other and sincerely want our marriage and family to be as good and wonderful as it can be.

I love you Dan! You are a wonderful husband and a great father and I am the luckiest person because I have the privilege of spending eternity with you and our family. OK, so these are a little out of order but it's us over the years.

July 8th 1989

Sometime in 1990


Spring 1989

December 2010

Think It Time for a New Post

2011-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to blog about, but I guess I need to update every now and then. It's been close to a month.

Since I last posted, the kids are all out of school. This is a blessing and a torture. They are all going stir crazy, but on the other hand, the rigorous schedule we were doing before isn't there so that's nice. Aubree is in cheer and has practice all summer and Kyler is busily working on packets so he can hopefully graduate. Megan has been doing odd jobs for people and helping around home a little. Jake just finished football camp last week. Seemed to have fun. Life is just cruising along around here.

Hope all are well.

"Buddy" December 5, 2003 to May 23, 2011 Our best Doggy In the Window

2011-05-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

This last Monday I did something that was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my entire life. I know that I sound like a baby when I say this, but it really was very hard. The past 5 years have been the hardest and worst years of my life. I have had health problems that for a while I thought would take my life. They didn't, but they certainly changed it. During all of this, I had one very steady, unwavering thing. His name was Buddy. Yes, I have Dan and my kids and family and friends, but there is something different about the four legged furry support and therapy Buddy gave me. It didn't matter what I had done. If I had corrected him or spent time away or whatever. He was always waiting in the window then at the door when I came in. There was some pretty good comfort in knowing that he would be waiting when I got there. He was one that if he thought some one was hurt or hurting, he'd go after who ever hurt them or at the very least give you kisses or snuggles so that you knew he was watching out for you and loving you. He was a fierce defender of our home and of our family. He loved everyone. So fiercely that when some one would try to leave (and I do mean anyone) he would stand between them and the door and bark. I always said he was telling them to have a safe trip home and that they didn't really have to leave ;-) He was even more fiercely loyal to me. All you would have to do is make me feel bad for any reason, then you were toast.

A little over a year ago Buddy started acting a little weird and appearing to hurt badly and was having problems with the training he had, etc. He would shake like crazy but we for a while just sort of passed that off as his nature because he was a fairly hyper dog. One day it got really bad so I took him to the vet and they told me he not only had a double ear infection, but that he had a bladder stone that would have to be removed surgically to relieve him of the pain. The surgery was horribly expensive so we couldn't have that done. Plus, they said that he would probably have it happen again even if he had the surgery. I battled with myself for over a year trying to decide what to do about this. It seemed that every time I even thought of relieving him of his pain he would rally and act as if there was nothing wrong. I think he knew that I would have a very hard time doing it, so he tried to make me not have to do it. One day about 10 days ago he laid on the couch all day and whimpered and looked like he was really struggling. At this point I decided that I could not make him go through this any longer. Especially since it was pretty much for me. I made the decision to have him put to sleep so that he would not have to hurt anymore. He fulfilled every measure of his name "Buddy" and more. There is a definite void in our lives and our home now. Even the cat is missing him. It is very quiet and it's hard not to have him in the window watching for us. The only thing that gets me/us through is the knowledge that he is no longer in pain. We are so lucky appreciative to Erica, who helped us so much with this. She works at the vet and held him when it was done so that he wasn't alone. I couldn't do it but am comforted that he was being held and loved when this happen. I couldn't have that picture in my mind, so she did it for me.

A friend of mine told me to think about it in that he is now sitting at the feet of Heavenly Father. Warming them and giving him the love he has. Also, my sister had to put her dog to sleep a couple of years ago and she thinks that they are now playing together in Heaven, waiting and preparing for all of us.

He was a spectacular dog. Very loving and loyal and I/we miss him so much. We are working through it, but it's so hard. Life is just not the same. He will be waiting though. He's watching over and protecting us and will be waiting at the door when we arrive.

God Speed Buddy. I hope your trip over the rainbow was easy and peaceful. Until we meet again.

Christy

Ramblings In the Night

2011-05-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. I go to be between 9 and 10 and then for some unknown reason I wake up about midnight and can't sleep again all night long. Some how though, I can sleep for about another hour or two after everyone leaves for work and school. Not always though. That is when people call and such, plus it's light outside, etc.

I am sure that this is part of the reason I have had several days of major meltdown. I have had an extremely hard time keeping it together lately. We have been EXTREMELY busy the past week or two as well. I really have a hard time during times like these, trying to not let it get to me that I, simply put, can't do what I should be able to do or want to do. I was telling Dan the other day that it is very hard because I try to push myself to do things I know I have been able to do before and feel like I should be doing, which sometimes I succeed in, but then 99% of the time I do too much and end up hurting and having so many problems that it is 100 times worse than if I had just listened to my limits. It is a vicious cycle that I keep trying to stop.

I have felt very much alone for the past while. I know that sounds crazy, because I am rarely "alone", but I have felt very much on the outside of mostly everywhere and everyone. I know that my problems are hard to take or to attempt to understand, but it has felt like in the time I have felt like I needed people the most I look around and find many of them not here. All I have ever asked from anyone is to just listen to me while I try to work through my crazy scary life, and then love and care for me for who I am and what I am trying to get through. Good intentions of people tend to make them want to fix things, but things can't be fixed when they are not understood. I don't expect anyone to understand nor fix things, I just really long for support of my feelings. I spend a lot of my "alone" time praying for peace and guidance. It has been very hard to try and be patient, especially after doing this steady for almost 5 years. I have had to learn to trust promptings again after having some very bad experiences with what I perceived to be promptings. I know it's hard and frustrating, but all I ask is that those who care about me and/or my family be patient with me while I try to be better.

It has basically been determined that Kyler is mildly autistic. Nothing is officially diagnosed, but doctors, counselors, educators, and family have all come to agreement on this. You can trace things all the way back to his toddler phase that show these signs. I wish that some one would have made this clear many years ago, but they didn't, so we are now dealing with it. We are SO very much appreciative of the administration and faculty at his school for the care and concern for Kyler and all of our family. They have been pretty amazing.

So I am sort of in charge of putting together a bake sale fundraiser for the cheer team at the kid's school. Since we have 2 kids involved in cheer, we certainly need the fundraising ;-) I have a lot of ideas and hope that people will agree and help this be a success. I could use any help with this. PLEASE let me know if any are willing to donate goodies or anything else.

I apologize for this being another rant in the night. I am trying every way I know how to make things better all around. Just not perfect at it. I hope that my friends and family who care about me and my family will care enough to be patient with me. I/we need you and notice and appreciate everything that you do.

~Christy

One Year Ago

2011-04-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, I did something that I thought long and hard about. I knew it would be a huge life change, but I also knew that it would be good for me. This is what I looked like 1 year ago...

When I look back at these pictures, it makes me pretty sad. I really can't believe this was me. So unhappy and so unhealthy. Not comfortable with having my picture taken. I cannot even put the pants I was wearing on anymore and keep them up. It really is a good thing I have these pictures to look at though. I have really been struggling with the fact that I did not make my goal. It seemed so simple when I set it, and about 6 months into it, I was so sure I would make it I didn't even really think about it. Well, when I got to about 8 months post surgery, I stopped losing weight. I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost anymore either. Leaving me depending on the day, 10 to 15 pounds under my goal. I have lost 85-90 pounds altogether. I am really very proud of myself for doing this at all and for sticking to it (for the most part, I do have days that are REALLY hard).

I saw some one today who had the same surgery about 6 months before I did and she looks to good and SO skinny. I looked at her and thought "she looks familiar", then Dan said, you remember ______ don't you? I said "OH MY GOSH!" She looked wonderful. For a few minutes I felt really sorry for myself, but I then decided that I have to be happy and proud of myself for what I have accomplished.

I can now share clothes with Aubree, which is very cool and that makes me very happy. She is 13. I don't remember fitting in any clothes that size since I was like 12. This I don't understand because I am literally not that small, but I am trying to be happy with where I am. I cannot exercise like most people who have this because of my disabilities, so to have lost almost 100 pounds with minimal exercise means the world to me. So now I will post a few chronologically taken pictures of me...

3 months

5 months

7 months

OK, so I haven't lost any more since this picture was taken, so I'll have to use this for the new one. It is taken in the same spot as the before pic. See a difference?? :-) :-)

Thanks to everyone who has supported me/us in this. It really is a family thing and having the support of family and friends is paramount!!

~Christy

Recognizing Blessings

2011-03-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that you have all read about and heard or seen the seemingly endless misfortune we have endured over the last few years. I have been hoping to see those promised blessings come to fruition for a while now, wondering what it was that I hadn't learned or done that was holding them back. I am not convinced that it has been a very noticeable change, but I have really been trying to change my thought process for the past little while. I'm definitely not perfect at it and have times where I slip back into it, but I have really been putting an effort into having hope and optimism. This is not easy for me as I have literally had to change almost everything I have ever known to do it.

I am still very discouraged with my abilities as a mother. I recognize that I am being too hard on myself and I really try to feel differently about it, but the fact is that my kids are still spiraling downward in many ways. Especially academically. I have to throw out a thank you to Elisabeth Shelley for expressing her feelings as a mother. If she has had similar experiences and still has some encouragement somewhere, then it gives me a little hope. Our kids are doing leaps and bounds better in so many other ways at the school we put them in this year but they are struggling. I have discovered that they have not been taught some of the fundamentals that they need to excel, especially math. We have tried everything, homework trackers, conferences with the teachers, I mean everything. I am so worried that especially Kyler is not going to have the experience of graduating and then he will have an extremely hard life ahead of him, even more than he is already going to have. I'm sure that a lot of these things are normal feelings for a mother with 3 teenagers and a 10 year old, but I'm learning and some days are just too much. On the positive side of this, I think that we are slowly regaining somewhat of a relationship with our kids that has been lost for a while.

Dan got a promotion at work in January. It has been hard for him as he not only has to learn his new job, but is expected to do his old job as well because they can't hire anyone to do it. It's very stressful as Dan is a perfectionist at work and simply cannot do everything he needs/wants to get done. He is finally getting noticed as a photographer in a good way. He has done a wedding now and has another one coming up. Has done a few bridal sessions, and they are gorgeous. I'm proud of him and envy him for chasing a dream and making it real. Obviously I'm glad he has toned things down a bit ;-)

For about the past 2 years, we have been fighting to keep our van running. Funny how it got REALLY bad about the time we paid it off. Anyway, we have replaced multiple things on it. When we bought it, we had done some homework on it and it was VERY highly rated and was only 3 years old so we felt pretty good that we had made a good decision. I think we should have painted it yellow, because everything started going wrong with it one right after another, sometimes 2 at once. Well, last week after having it die on me 3 times, 2 of them on very busy streets, we decided that we had better not drive it anymore. After getting the news from the mechanic that we would have to replace the transmission and various other important parts just to make it safe (not good, just safe and no guarantee of passing inspection) we decided that we just needed to get rid of it. We then took it to the Pic a Part and literally sold it for parts. They gave us enough to take care of a couple of things and spend a little on ourselves for our temple anniversary that was last Friday. The reason I tell you all of this is because at this point we needed another vehicle (thanks to my sisters and BIL's that let us use their cars in the in between) but knew finding one that we had any chance of getting and having it be usable was going to be a major challenge. So Friday I was looking through the cars for sale on KSL when I came across this one.

Dan and I talked for a while at which point we decided it was too good to be true. After a while of feeling uneasy about not calling, I called about it anyway. I talked to the man who told me that he had bought it for his growing family from an older couple who used it to travel but needed to downsize. I then wondered why he was selling it and he said that it was too big for his wife to handle (apparently she is even shorter than me, REALLY??) and that they had bought something smaller. So that seemed cool. He told me that he had just replaced a bunch of stuff (Pretty much everything, including a radiator) except the transmission and engine. That he was a mechanic and just liked it to be running in top shape. So we went to look at it on Friday night but missed them being at home. Dan looked all over the outside and through the windows and couldn't find any problems. We left still thinking it was too good to be true, but went back on Saturday morning and were able to drive it. While we were out driving it finding no problems and commenting on the pristine condition of the interior, the man called us and said that we were really nice people and really needed it so he wanted only a certain amount for it, which was $500 less than the original price and that we should keep it in mind. Dan and I looked at each other in shock and said "well that was weird." We haven't had things like this happen for us in a LONG time. So we took some $$ to him and drove our vehicle home. He then gave us a bunch of antifreeze, etc that he had bought for it and the one part he hadn't put in yet and told us that he had just registered it in February so to check and see if we could just transfer the emissions and inspection. We feel very blessed that we were able to get what we wanted and were able to get it at all. We have really been trying to make some things right lately and for me I feel that this has been a faith building experience and has strengthened me conviction to keep trying. I don't speak for Dan, but he is grateful for the generosity and human decency that has been shown us lately. We don't have to pay for anything but the taxes and registration because of this man and because I have handicapped plates, we are able to transfer them instead of having to pay for new ones. Insurance will also be about the same. It seems it has been a good thing all of the way around.

So, I have had a few days to reflect on a few things. For the most part, I am doing pretty well at seeing things in a new light, that there are blessings coming our way. I have days where I don't do as well as others, but all I can do is try my best. That's all that anyone should be expected to do.

Christy

The Climb

2011-02-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

Earlier I was in the van and heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. While she is not one of my favorite people to listen to, I have heard that song before and it always makes me cry. It is literally a song about my life. I have been encouraged to listen to it by others many times, and they're right. I am aware that I have a hard time seeing the positive a lot of the time. I hope that all of my family and friends understand that I really do try to see life in a more positive light. It's just very hard for me sometimes.

There is a line in the song that says..."There's always going to be another mountain, I'm gonna want to make it move." A person is always going to want to try and move mountains to have the life that they hope to have. I don't think that we have any idea how hard that is and forget that there is going to be another mountain right behind it. I think it's a hard thing to learn. I am happy in my marriage and with my family. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it has been very hard to learn how to "enjoy" the journey and the trials in my life. I love my mother and I think she is a wonderful person and a great example of a hard working, God fearing woman who loves her family, but all I learned in my childhood was to get upset and hide when something happened. That it pretty much was the end of the world when things didn't work out. I was the next child born after the horrific experience of losing a child. I'm not putting down the way I was taught because I have no place to say what is right or wrong and how I would handle the situation they had. I just know that it has been a hard thing to learn as an adult. Now I realize that I am 38 years old and have been married for almost 22 of those years, but it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been given any ideas on how to cope with trials and things. The scary thing is that during the last 5 years my family and I have had HUGE, unbelievable, non-stop trials. It is quite a hard thing to learn by trial and error, and while trying to learn and get through these things, my body has literally started to break down. It's not only me either, Dan has had numerous surgeries and injuries and employment issues, etc. Kyler has become extremely sick a couple of times and had to face some realities that he can't understand, because they exist. Megan has gone through some horrible things, and Jake and Aubree have had some fairly major issues as well. It's very hard when each member of a family are having their own personal crisis' that they are trying to deal with and it puts extreme pressure on the family to hold things together. How does one hold a family together when they can't keep them self together. Anyway, we're doing our best to figure it out, we're just not always successful with what we do. We are trying.

Over the weekend some things happened that were very hard. Things were said and done that were not meant to hurt anyone, but did. I hope that Dan and my kids know that I love them and that there are some things I still don't know how to control or do. I sometimes don't know what I have said or done until after the fact. I hope that they know this and understand that I love them and would not intentionally do anything to hurt them. I would hope they will try to be understanding and patient with me. Life is not what they see on TV, I am real and have real feelings that I need to be cared for and loved and respected.

Anyway, I hope that "The Climb" becomes a little less hard soon, but am trying to learn to enjoy it. Please bear with me and pray for me as I know you have done before.

~Christy

As the Days Fly By

2011-02-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it has been over a month since Christmas. It's a week into February!

2011 has started out pretty well. There have definitely been hiccups in the system, but for the most part it has been pretty good so far.

Dan has worked at his job with the state for almost 6 years. He has applied for promotions and other jobs steadily during this time. Well, during the first part of January he applied and interviewed for a Senior Agent position on his current team and he got it! Finally he was starting to move up instead of straight across in his job. Although, the moving around gave him some good, much needed experience that likely gave him the boost to get this position. We are very excited about this and it will be a good thing for our family. Right now he has to do both his new and old job until they decide to replace him, so he is super busy and learning a lot. He has done quite a lot of photography in the past couple of months and has 2 weddings coming up. He does a good job, just has a different style than many out there.

I've been doing OK. I started finding ways to get back to the pool because I think it helps me in so many ways physically and emotionally that I decided one day that it was something I had to do. 2 weeks ago I broke my baby toe and 2 bones in my foot by just taking off my sock and catching my toe in the cuff of my pants. This made me decide to have my bone density checked and it looks as if I have some pretty old bones. While this sounds terrible, I have been told that this may be part of the cause for some of the things that have been going on for the past 5 years, that it has just seemed to get worse lately. I will most likely be taking some pretty good supplements soon, but that is a fine price for me to pay to finally have some peace of mind. My dog is getting old and is not well. I worry every morning about waking up to find him no longer with us. He's only like 8 years old, but is sick. I worry about him a lot. The cat is just his normal Diva self. He wants to play with the dog, but the dog wants no part of it. I love my pets.

Kyler has had an interesting month. He got to spend 5 days in Las Vegas and some other places. He seemed to have fun, but also has a hard time knowing how to make it all the way from start to finish of these things without having something weird happen. Oh well. He broke up with his girlfriend not wanting to be in a place he wasn't ready for yet, which we admire, but she was a very good thing for him so we are sort of sad, and so is she. His tick has returned and he's been having some not so good affects of his sickness, but we are switching things up and I think he;s improving a little each day. He's actually doing pretty good for a 17 year old boy with the problems and issues he has to live and deal with.

Megan is learning the ins and outs of high school. She has a real struggle with math, but is working at it and doing pretty well for the most part. She's a pretty happy girl for the most part. She received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday. I have been encouraging this for a while in the hopes that it might give my kids some direction in their lives.

Aubree is doing pretty well in most things with her life. She is having a struggle as well with some of her grades, but continues to work on it. She also received her Patriarchal Blessing last Sunday and has really embraced it. Makes me happy that she seems to understand what it really means.

Jake is just Jake. He misses football. He gets bored A LOT! He's doing well in school. Not a lot going on with him.

Our family is doing it's best to move ahead from the many things we have been dealing with over the last while. We know we're not perfect and that there are many things we can improve on, but we do love each other and will make it through one way or the other.

~Christy

2010

2010-12-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

It's New Years Eve for 2010 and I have been thinking about the past year and the many things that have gone on during it. It has been an eventful year filled with a lot of ups and downs and trials and accomplishments. Much like a roller coaster.

I guess you could say this year started off with a bang or something. Aubree, who is a major drama queen had been complaining of a migraine for a while. Like I said, she likes the drama, so I pretty much didn't believe her when she repeatedly complained of a headache. Especially since I know what migraines do to a person and she wasn't seeming to be that sick. Anyway, she had been complaining all through church one Sunday that she was sick and her head hurt, I told her it was because she hadn't eaten because of Fast Sunday and that she would live. Finally I decided to take her to the doctor just so he would tell her she was fine. Man was I surprised!! He said that she had at least something called Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, which is a swollen eye socket and that there was a real possibility that she had a brain tumor. A young girl in our neighborhood had just died from a brain tumor, so this was a very scary thought to us. After a few days of not knowing, she had an MRI which showed NO TUMOR. Just severe swelling behind her eye, which it was determined was caused by a reaction to an antibiotic she had taken. She is on maintenance meds for headaches now, but has pretty much been fine since. That was the big "down" thing in January. Also in January we made the decision that I was going to have a gastric bypass so as to finally be able to lose some weight and prolong my life. I had tried pretty much everything I could, so this was the next thing, and hopefully the last. So that was an "up" happening.

February brought quite a lot of heartache as Megan was assaulted. Something we had hoped and prayed would never happen to anyone we knew, let a lone one of our kids. I can't say much about it, other than she has not been the same since. She has done all of the counseling and such and does pretty well, but it changed her life, and not for the better. Not to mention that the authorities that were supposed to be there to help us didn't for the most part, so we were just left doing it by ourselves, with the help of a neighbor. I can't remember anything "up" for February, I try to not remember a lot from then.

March was a pretty exciting month. We were preparing for my surgery that was to be on the 29th. Also, Dan was doing a lot of home improvement, painting and such. He had designed and had a pot hanger made and hung it up and was painting the kitchen ceiling when I started to have what appeared to be a horrible cold. I couldn't have a cold, I was having surgery. Well, after I was barely able to breath I went to the doc one Sunday and my oxygen was so low they were freaking out wondering how I was conscious. After 2 breathing treatments, they determined that the fumes from the paint primer that was used caused a severe reaction with my airway and caused a severe asthma attack. So in turn, my surgery was postponed 6 days before it was to happen and after I was a day into the liquid diet. It was hard to take, but I did it. Kyler turned 16 on the 31st of March. That was kind of an interesting experience as it made me look back to my 16th birthday and see how different we are and the difference in the places we are/were at that point. Not to mention, am I really old enough to have a 16 year old child??

April came and I did have my surgery which went fabulously. Within one week from surgery I was off of all my medications and had lost around 20 pounds. Things seemed pretty good at this point.

A little earlier in the year Dan got a new camera. He has been a photographer his entire life, nothing professional, but has love taking pictures and has a real talent for it. He was the historian for the Youth Pioneer Trek they were to go on in June, so that was his excuse for needing a new fancy camera ;-) He was enjoying taking picture of me and my transformation after surgery. He took a before picture or two and then for the most part takes one every 12th of each month to show the changes. He also found some groups that would let him get some experience and start to build a portfolio so he could maybe start to make a little money doing his hobby that he loves. This has sort of proved to be a double edged sword, but I am glad he is able to do it. He really is very good at it.

May was fairly uneventful. We had some more testing done with Kyler and got a few more answers into the mystery of him, but other than that not much happened.

June brought the trek. This trek was a year or more in planning and was fairly costly as we had 3 youth and Dan going on it. It was really an experience for them though and all are glad they were able to go. Dan took over 1600 pictures to document it and everyone was very pleased. Megan had a babysitting job for the summer, Kyler

July was fairly uneventful until the end, when I fell and ended up in an ambulance and at the ER because of losing feeling on my right side again. Also, it was the beginning of some pretty scary things going on in regards to spirituality and beliefs in our home. It has been extremely hard trying to get things back to what has been the "Norm" around here. Our "norm" is nothing like any other family's anyway, but it has been a challenge.

Near the end of July Dan and I made the decision to apply our 3 oldest kids to Maeser Preparatory Academy. Our hope was to be able to get them out of the somewhat "socially focused" public school system and let them be able to focus on school. We really have nothing against the regular public school system, but we knew Kyler needed some kind of a different experience and that it could only benefit the others as well.

August came and Jake started school and is in the 4th grade. We still waited until at least the middle of the month to find out if the kids got in to Maeser, but they did, so they didn't start school until September 7th. Jake was the only one going then. I had lost a little over 70 pounds in those 4 months and was feeling pretty good. Dan and I were still struggling to hold things together, but loved each other enough to work on it.

September brought all kids in school. It is the real Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Until things happen and it ruins what seemed to be everything. This was another month that brought a lot of heartache to our family. Dan at this point decided that he was not going to participate in the church any longer. I understand his feelings and he has been judged very harshly, but we cannot come to agreement on this still. Life sort of seemed like it had be turned upside down at this point and shaken vigorously.

On a positive note though, the kids loved their new school and things were going great there. Megan made the volleyball team and loves it, and Aubree played volleyball on the charter league for the middle school.

My nephew Cody was in a horrific car accident and almost lost his life. He spent a few days in very grave condition and in a coma, but recovered physically very quickly and well. As far as the sheer brain injury, it's going to be a long time before he can recover from that, if ever, but all we can do is love him and hope for the best. Watching my sister go through this was very personal to me. Kyler and Cody have a lot of the same issues. Cody's are far worse, but it is still hard to deal with.

October was interesting. Dan continued to build his portfolio. It seems that the happenings of September rolled over into October. Dan lost his job at UVU that he had been at for a while. This was a pretty extreme hit to us as Kyler lost his job there as well. It was not a happy experience. Financially, this was a huge hit and emotionally as it was very closely tied to the September happenings and were just simply done by people thinking they are on a higher plain. There is enough responsibility to go all the way around. That's all I can say about that.

Kyler became involved in ballroom dance at school and was able to go to Cedar City and participate in the Shakespearean Festival. They did very well in the competition. This was also the month that he tried out and made the cheer team as a yell leader. Very good things were happening for him at his new school and he still struggled academically, but every other way is 200% better.

Jake had been playing football on the Timpanogos team of the UVFL. Their team went all the way to the championship game. The day before this game Jake broke his wrist (of course playing football at school) and he was the back up center for another boy out of town. This was devastating to Jake, as he had to watch his team lose the game and couldn't do anything to help. We told him that there is always next year.

November was fairly uneventful. Not much happened. We had Thanksgiving at my parents house. Dan had surgery on his other foot. Hated the cast, but is happy that the horrible pain is gone.

December has been an interesting month. On the 7th Dan's Grandmother passed away. She was 88 years old and had spent 11 years without her husband. We had several Christmas parties and events and birthdays this month. Aubree turned 13 on the 15th. All of Dan's family were able to come in this year. They were here for the funeral of his grandmother on the 18th. We had a nice time with them. Dan did family pictures on the 17th at the UVU library and then we came home and had dinner and a party. The funeral was on the 18th, then we came home and played games, then it was my and Jim's birthday on the 19th so we had a birthday party. Dan had invited some friends and neighbors and family. It was nice. On the 20th we were on our way to Dan's cousins house in Springville when we hit a bunch of potholes and then finally hit one that blew the tire. We pulled off, changed it and proceeded and which time we hit another and blew that tire. Dan and I didn't make it to the party, we spent the entire evening in the snow with my dad trying to get home. We finally made it, but only after a tow, and A LOT of money worth of damage and being in the cold forever.

Christmas was low key here this year. We just didn't have the $$ or energy to do any more. We really appreciate the unknowns who left us little things on our porch and gave us things for Christmas. They really made a huge difference in our ability to feel the Christmas Spirit.

I of course got really sick on Sunday, which I have seemed to get over that for the most part, but then I got this very bad pain in my right side and have had tests over and over since. They of course cannot figure out what it is, but I think they messed with it enough that it has lightened up the pain a little. We'll just wait and hope it goes away. Otherwise I will probably end up having another surgery.

Anyway, 2010 has been good and not so good, but we are hoping that the change of a decade will bring a change of many things. The past one has been very scary so we can only hope for the best. We are all fairly healthy and happy and that's what is important.

Happy New Year and my wish is a wonderful 2011 to all!

~Christy

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T17:54:00.000-08:00

So I have had a very hard time getting into the Christmas spirit again this year. It really bothers me that I can't seem to get there, but at least I'm trying.

I am grateful for the love and support that we have been shown especially in the last little while. We are in what seems to be a decade of trial, but this decade will be over in a few short days and I am hoping that the next one will bring us less trial and more happiness. I have thought a lot (even more than usual) about Christmas and the real meaning lately. While my family won't be getting much for Christmas this year, my hope is that at least they know that they have a home to be in with a loving family. We aren't perfect, but are trying our best.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year and wish you all a wonderful 2011.

Christy

"Life Has Hit Another Pothole" Or 3

2010-12-21T04:08:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted a lot this year because I have been trying to post positive things and well, if I don't have positive things to say then I don't post. You get the idea ;-)

This past year, 2010, has been very hard. The past 5 years have been hard, but this one was different. The previous 4 years were physically hard with sickness and pain and just trying to adjust to things. Many had been hospitalized etc. While I will not downplay those experiences, or the continuing pain, etc., the past year has been very hard emotionally. Things have seemed to fall apart in regards to thoughts and beliefs, finances, self worthiness, and just pretty much everything overall. I have really tried to make my best effort to be positive and look for the good in things this year. I know that as human beings we will have trials throughout our lives and that apparently this is our time in life to have them. They just seem to pile on right now instead of us learning to get through them and move forward. I have learned to not ask how things could get worse. When I do, I learn just exactly how they can. I am wondering though what it is I/we haven't learned that will make things lighter. It really seems as though when things are getting better we have an equally hard or harder thing happen.

This year we put our 3 oldest kids in a charter school in the hopes that it would improve their school experience. This really turned out to be a HUGE blessing. They have excelled there in so many ways. Especially Kyler. He hasn't had any feeling of self worth or acceptance for a long time and has it there. Right now though all 3 are struggling academically and we can't seem to make them understand that they are intelligent and capable to do the things they are expected to do. It's hard to feel bad about this as they are doing so much better in every other way there. We just don't know how to help them in this regard. This is an example of how good things/blessings come and there is an equal or worse thing to make it hard.

So this past weekend Dan's family has been here for a visit. It has been a nice weekend. A lot of "partying", some things not so fun. We had a funeral for his grandma last Saturday, but otherwise it has been pretty nice. This is something that is another good thing/blessing happening, then something bad has to happen. We were going to a Family Home Evening at Dan's cousins house last night when we hit a pothole on the freeway and it blew a fairly new tire out. Thank goodness Dan knows what he's doing or it could have been a much worse situation. We pulled off the freeway where Dan changed the tire and we proceeded on our way. Less than 2 exits further we hit another pothole and blew the spare, but could not get off of the road (because of the "luge" situation with construction) and had to drive it a little ways. This tire is totally shredded. The rim on it is completely mutilated. Dan's parents and brother were following us and saw what happened and took the kids with them, which we were very thankful for. We then called my dad which came with another spare tire. We were on the freeway off ramp for a little under 2 hours, at which point a UHP officer finally stopped and when Dan explained to him what happened his answer was " Well, watch out for those potholes" and then sat and ran the license plates to see if he could catch us with warrants or something. No such luck for him...UGH. Aren't they supposed to help you?? Just wondering. We then managed to get to a gas station at which point the spare my dad brought went flat. After some time of trying to figure out what to do next (all of the tire places were closed) my dad was able to use a road hazard he carries and get the car towed to a tire store. We aren't sure and are trying to be hopeful about the tire and the car, but are cautiously aware that this could be pretty bad. That car hit the pavement more than once and those tires are in pretty bad shape. Thank goodness Dan knew what to do to protect us. Blowing tires in the dark on a snowy, under-construction freeway is pretty scary.

We are so grateful to everyone, including AAA for being generous and helping us in our ongoing, seemingly endless, time of need. All we can do is let you all know of our appreciation and gratitude and hope that 2011 is going to be a good year for us. We really are trying to get it together. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family and for all of the many acts of service and everything else that has been for us. We are truly blessed with a good family and friends. Keep them coming!!

~Christy

The Stereotypical Thanksgiving Post

2010-11-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

So I woke up at around 3:30 this morning in a panic about something and haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I thought I would put in writing some of the things I am thankful for.

I am so thankful for my family. Even though it doesn't seem like it all of the time I really am thankful for Dan, Kyler, Megan, Aubree, Jake, and of course Buddy and Tazzy. I know it seems a little cheesy to include the dog and cat in this list, but they really are very special and important to me. Non judgmental and soft and furry. They just love me no matter what. I may complain and feel bad about situations in my home that I am dealing with, but I LOVE MY KIDS! I waited a long time for them and I know that things will turn out. We just have to get through these teenage years so we can all remember the love. I am so proud of them for who they are and their accomplishments.

I LOVE DAN!! The past few years, and especially the past year have been a huge challenge for us, but we love each other so much and will make it through some how. Dan is what I dreamed of always. He works hard for us and loves us. He would do anything for us. Getting the person of your dreams does happen, sometimes they fall in your lap. Or in my case show up by accident ;-) I just hope he remembers how much we love and appreciate him. I don't know if I would still be here if Dan had not been there to hold me up, sometimes literally. I just wish I was able to return the favor. I just wish he knew of the love I have for him.

I am thankful for both of our extended families. It is very much an interesting and somewhat unique dynamic between all of us, but it is all centered and based on love. Even when we disagree. I watched my family pull together in times of need this year, and it was heart warming to see just what we can do when we remember who we are and who's we are. Just thankful that we still have all of the family here with us. Many have helped us in so many ways over the past years and I hope they know it has not gone un-noticed.

I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through everything. Those who still love and care about us even with our faults. I am so grateful to have good neighbors. We have had some scary ones in the past and it's wonderful to have nice good people to live by. I'm thankful for a wonderful loving home teacher (you know who you are) that has been there for us in ways we cannot share. We love you just as if you were our family.

I am thankful for my home. It's a humble home, but it's all that we need and is comfortable and especially this year I am grateful to have it. I am luckier than so many people who don't have one. I am also thankful that Dan has a job. It's not his dream job, but it is a job and it's more than many have right now. I am also thankful for good doctors who truly try to help me and my family. I am actually looking forward to a longer future because of some skills of these men and women. They have also used those skills on many family and friends who may not have been with us this Thanksgiving otherwise.

I am thankful for my knowledge of the gospel. I know that this is probably not the forum for testimony, but it is what has pulled me through some very hard things in my life, especially during the past few years and definitely the last few months. It really is the only hope that holds me up some days. Yes, I have my times that I am not as strong as I should be in this, but the roots are there.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and holiday season.

~Christy

7 Months

2010-11-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

These are a few pics of me at 7 months post surgery. I am sort of stuck at around -85 pounds. I have 5 months to lose 15 in order to hit my goal. According to the docs and their "ideals" I have around -40 more pounds to go altogether. I'm hoping, but am also realistic. I will be very happy at the -100. Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself in this way. I can wear Aubree's pants!!! I was able to find clothes I can wear in a normal place today and a few times lately. I am very happy about this.

OK, here are the pics...

Not Sure Why I'm Here

2010-11-15T02:54:00.000-08:00

I know, I'm not supposed to write about things on here that aren't positive and uplifting, but sometimes there just isn't much else to say but the feelings in my heart. Some tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, that I am just pessimistic or something. Really I am not a negative person, I have just had so many things go on for such a long time that it sometimes comes to a point where I can't look at things and be positive.

I'm not sure how to get some of this out without making some one feel bad, or worry some, and for this I am`sorry, but I can't just keep everything in all of the time because I don't want to hurt some one. I certainly don't seem to get the same consideration from many.

I am at a point in my life where I am struggling to find my meaning. It seems that my calling in life is to bear every one's burdens and do it with a smile. While I would love to have the strength and ability to do this, the reality is that I don't have those things and it's not my responsibility to bear everyone elses burdens. I do my best to help my family and friends, but I am carrying a very huge load of my own and simply can't carry it all.

I have been in counseling for several years now. It has really helped me in this area. The problem now is that so many of those that have encouraged the counseling don't like the person I have become. I have been counseled to not carry feelings, to let it out when I don't agree. That I should stand up for what I feel to be right. This is where I feel I have a strength. I am a very "go by my gut" person. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. At least not for me. That is how I am. I don't think everyone is, nor should be the same. There has to be different personalities or there would be no purpose for people to exist. One of my biggest issues I'm dealing with right now is that I have started in the last several years to stand up for myself instead of cowering and people really don't like it. It's really heard when the same people who wanted me to get counseling don't like what I'm being taught. It's as if they just wanted me to get straightened out so I could deal with cowering, not actually learn and gain strength from it.

As many of you know there have been a lot of things change in our home and family in the last few months. This I feel is almost a bigger trial than what I thought was the biggest trial of my life. I feel like our family is falling apart. Not only our immediate family that lives here in our home, but our entire family on both sides. We seem to be being tried from every side. It has become a situation where a gathering cannot happen without there being a situation where people must "pick sides" to be able to feel they are part of the family. This type of thing has no place in a family. I realize that here in my home I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which are girls and that there is a dynamic in teenage life that is simply argumentative, but these kids have taken it to a whole new level. I'm not sure I can salvage a relationship there. They are mean and hateful to each other, and to me. I am told on a regular basis that I have no idea what life is like for them and that I don't care. That I just want to yell and scream at them. I have been pretty good to them I think. I know they don't really mean a lot of what they say, but I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually do feel that way. That I really am just a pain in their rear ends. I have spent countless hours at school, at home and many other places trying to make sure they have everything they need and much of what they want. Even Jake has started letting me know of all my faults lately. I really feel very much unloved by my kids. It breaks my heart that my kids feel this way about me. I still move on everyday, hoping that that day will be better. My hope is fading. I love my kids and my family. Just feel like it isn't reciprocated very much.

I feel lost and frustrated when it comes to Kyler. He is a good kid with many issues himself to deal with. We have to have a firm hand with him, but it doesn't seem to work very well anymore with him. He simply doesn't get it and then feels bad when things don't work out. The frustration level with trying to understand and help him is so high right now, I find myself crying at various times throughout a day just to have one good day, or minute for that matter, with him and for him to gain some understanding of why he's in some of the situations he's in. It's very hard to keep doing things to help when you know it isn't helping. But if I stop trying to help, then I have given up on him. Something I will never do, but sometimes don't have the strength to keep the hope going . I love Kyler. I just have to try and remember that it isn't really him talking much of the time. This is not an easy task when I am being torn down to an inch tall and told how terrible I am on a regular basis.

Then there is Dan. I love Dan, Dan loves me. We have just come to a point where we have some pretty major differences on things. I am painfully aware that the reason our home is in chaos is because we are not able to be in agreement on many things. Throughout our marriage we have been very careful to not let our kids be in the middle of things when we disagree. Lately we can't seem to agree on much though, so our kids are stuck "picking sides" like a mentioned before in regards to the big family. I am feeling quite vulnerable and insecure when it comes to Dan. I really don't feel I know where I stand with him anymore. We really need some time away to regain some perspective and remember why we chose each other. This is something important to do, time away, but there is no way to get it right now, and there is pretty much no hope of it in the even distant future. We can't even go out on a Friday night. Our situation won't let us. If we take time for us, we lose something. I believe this is the most worried I have been in regards to us ever. I know that Dan has had a lot to deal with and that I am not the easiest person to love sometimes. Especially since I got sick, but I am still the same person I have always been, I'm just more open when it comes to standing up for what I feel and believe in. We are of opposite opinions in how to deal with so much now, which in the past has been a good thing, because we have been able to take our opinions and put them together and come up with "our" solutions. We have had unwavering support for each other, even in disagreement. I think that is where we are lacking now, and it's scary to feel unsupported. Not to mention that our outer support system seems to have left us. Although, Dan won't let it in, and I count on it, so it can't work like that.

Pressures in life are inevitable, but sometimes they are so great that we simply cannot handle them on our own. Also, just because things keep getting worse, doesn't necessarily mean we have done something to earn them. This is a huge deal with us right now. We have tried to be good people and do good and right things and feel somewhat unsure about why things are happening to us the way they are. We need love and compassion and support in the fact that we are trying to make it through the best way we can. It seems though that much of the "support" we get is by letting us know of our faults. So the question is how we are supposed to keep a positive attitude if we are always doing everything wrong. Anyone have an idea on how to do that?

I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately, asking for help and guidance. Sometimes to just get through the day. It does help. I am just aware that I can't do it all alone. That is what I feel now though. A lot of loneliness. Many offer to help in whatever way they can. I take the help where I feel I can, but want to keep what's left of my happy home as well, so I have to turn some of it away. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I hope that people understand. Now more than many times in the past, I need friends and support. I know you're all there and I do appreciate it. It's what keeps me going. I hope this doesn't turn you away, that is not what I have meant to do. I just have to get it out sometimes.

~Christy

2010-11-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone. I changed the background and can't figure out how to change the font for the last post. Hope you can read it.

When Life Seems to Get Turned Upside Down

2010-10-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

Prepare yourselves, it's bound to be a long one, sorry.
Around 23 years ago I was 14 years old and having a pretty hard time in life trying to figure out where I belonged and what my future held. Everyone has always told me that I think too much or analyze things too much, but it's who I am and always have been. I grew up, for the most part, in a household/family of adults. My nearest sibling either direction was 6 years younger than me. Process wise, I was always several years older than my real age. The reason I bring this up is because I'm pretty sure the thought that ran through the heads of most of you reading this was, "Why was she worrying so much about her future when she was 14?" I believe that I was being prepared for the life I was to have in the future. It was about this time that I met a boy. I really didn't like him much, as I thought he was sort of reckless. I was really good friends with a person who was also his friend. Then one night, this particular boy borrowed my sisters car and got in a car accident. I had teased and poked at him every time he returned with her car (he had taken it several times) this time was no different. The deal was "you wreck it you buy it" I happen to answer the phone when he called to tell my sister and brother-in-law what had happen. As usual, I teased him and the answer I got was a very quiet "could you please let me talk to either Marsha or Mike, it's important." At that point I realized this was not a joking matter and got Mike on the phone. So after everything was taken care of that night, I witnessed this "boy" telling my sister and her family that he would make things right, that he gave his word that if he wrecked it he would buy it, so he would buy it. I know that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was to me. He showed so much honesty and dignity as a 16 year old young man that I wanted to know more. Yes, he was pretty reckless, but all of a sudden that seemed like a very judgmental thing for me to hold against him. Recklessness doesn't have anything to do with a persons worth. As far as I know, I wasn't even on his radar and was probably somewhat of an irritation to him, we, through a crazy happening on New Year's Eve that year found ourselves at a church dance together. I believe that it was not really an accident that he wrecked the car, or that our friend got sick and went home from the dance. It's how we finally got together. Over the next year and a half, we would go through some pretty crazy things. Dan joined the Navy and went through boot camp, I had some pretty major health issues. We had school and all kinds of other things to deal with, but in the end the two of us came out of it together. We got married a little over 21 years ago. Putting that wedding together with the Navy to deal with and many other things was crazy, but we did it. That year and a half when we were 15 and 16 years old was the foundation for what our life together would rely on. Over the years that we have been married we have had some pretty tough things to get through, as does everyone, but we understand that we have each other to rely on.
The reason I tell this long story today is because we have come to a time in our life when this solid foundation seems like it has been beaten with a sledgehammer. We both know that when you have something that solid and sure that everything possible is going to try to shake it up. We moved to this street 12 years ago with 3 little kids and a hope for some stability. We were led here by a higher power. We know this. After having one more child and more life experiences, it became time to take a look ahead again and again we were led, or maybe I should say others were led to us. That's when our neighbor across the street came to us out of the blue one day and offered his house to us. It came together fairly easy and we moved across the street and about a year and a half later bought our house. Finally we were living the life we had dreamed about. After years of struggling with going to church and holding jobs (on my part) we were doing pretty well. Dan was the Young Men's president, I was doing various things, but we were very involved and feeling very much at home here. Things changed with callings and stuff and we just rolled with it. In 2004 Dan had throat surgery to remove a tumor. In 2005 we were impressed to bring Dan's parents here for a while. Still not sure of the reasons why, we did that and feel that we have done what is right. In October 2006 I had what was thought to be a stroke. This has been a constant struggle for 4 years. I can no longer work, and am very limited in everything. This changed everything for our entire family. Dan all of a sudden had the entire weight of taking care of the family on him. Now is when my thoughts go back to the 16 year old reckless boy. He has taken on extra jobs, taken on many of the household duties, while still working a full time job and for most of the time holding several fairly pressing church callings. Kyler was in the hospital clinging to life during this time, Megan was assaulted, Aubree was thought to have a brain tumor. It has been A LOT to get through. Dan still gets up every morning, even when he is so sick he can't move, and goes to work. Over the past couple of years, Dan has had a very hard time in regards to happenings in the world and the way in which the church has handled things. Confusion and doubt has crept in bit by bit. There are many things that I personally have wondered how certain reactions could be right and have had my own times of feeling like falling away, but have been able to see things differently. Not necessarily more correct, just different. As of the past few months, things have gotten so intense in this regard that Dan has experienced very serious judgment and in some cases plain meanness and slander by member of the church. I as well have been "pitied" by some that really have no idea of what's really going on. I am a strong person who has gone through some very hard things in my life. My husband is and has been the rock that is always there to sure me up. Remember my earlier statement about honesty and dignity? Well, Dan is a person that does what he feels to be best for him and his family and nothing or no one will stop him. He will stand firm even if it makes him look bad. This is where there are serious problems. I heard a quote the other day that sums things up in this regard, it is..."Things are so seldom the way they appear to be, that appearances really tell us very little about the people we meet." President Monson spoke of just this at womens conference a few days ago. This is where some of the confusion and doubt have come in. Many seem to pick and choose the doctrine they are going to follow. Many have no problem telling others what they should be doing without doing it themselves. We have been taught our entire lives that we should respect others feelings and free agency, yet it sometimes turns out that just the opposite happens. Everyone is different and has different ways of getting through life. EVERYONE! Everyone is a child of God. EVERYONE! Even if they are necessarily living the way we believe in. But most importantly, we should not make ourselves judges of how others should live, especially when we don't always know all of the facts and realities of their lives.
Dan has announced to me that he will not be returning to church. That he feels that if he does he is putting on a show to give me, our kids, and others a false sense of what he believes. He does not feel he should pretend that he is in agreement with the way some of the church leaders are doing things. That some of them are contradictory in their teachings from what the doctrine is. That many members of the church are taking these teachings to an extreme that is not good as well. This is no ones fault and no one elses problem. It is his personal feeling at this time. He believes in the doctrine of the church and has a strong testimony of it. He simply cannot be in agreement at this time with many of the ways this same doctrine is being taught. There are some leaders that have been wonderful to us and tried to help us through this time. They are wonderful friends and their love and support is very much appreciated and returned. I hope they know that this statement does not apply to them. This goes right back to the honesty and dignity I have mentioned so many times.

I love Dan, and he loves me and our children. I am still attending church with Dan's blessing. This is his decision and I will stand by him knowing that he would not do anything that would jeopardize our marriage or our family. He is still the same wonderful, compassionate, hard working, honest, good father, and all around good person he has always been. I hope that everyone will be able to understand this and not judge him for this, as no one really knows or understands his heart. I was given a blessing not long ago that I would have strength and know what was best for my good husband and my good family during this time. I know this is what is pulling me through and that I do have a GOOD HUSBAND and GOOD CHILDREN. I cannot express my appreciation for the love that was shown during that blessing. I hope that this post will prove to be something good and maybe an explanation of our feelings and that it will bring many of you closer to us and have the knowledge that we are still us and love and care for all of you the same as we always have. We need your love and support now. ~Christy

5 Months and uniforms

2010-09-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

Jake in his football jersey

Aubree in full dress uniform

Kyler and Megan proudly showing school spirit in full dress uniforms

The family incognito (Not sure of the spelling)

Me, 5 months and somewhere near -75 pounds

Me again

I Believe

2010-09-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

I believe that when church becomes more of an aggravation in your life than a blessing, it becomes time to step back, take a break, and evaluate where you are in life and where the forces are that drive you forward instead of pressing you back. I believe in God, the Eternal Father, in His Son Jesus Christ, and in The Holy Ghost. I believe that Joseph Smith saw God, and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I believe that the church is true, but that the people in it are flawed. I believe that church is not the place to push your political views and that people should not assume that just because someone belongs to the same religion, that they belong to the same political party and share the same political views. I believe that too many people decide to push their judgment on other people. I believe that in this area too many people look down upon people that are different from them and shun those have a different belief system. I believe that marriage as a legal institution is a civil right and should be inalienable. I believe that love should rule the world. I believe that everyone deserves love and respect no matter their station of life, situation, or hand they have been dealt, and I believe that church should be the place that the love and respect should be felt the most. I believe that the family is the building block of society where every child should feel safe and loved. I believe that a mother and a father raising children together in love and happiness is the ideal situation. I believe that life is rarely ideal. I believe that good families come in many different sizes, shapes, and make-ups. I believe that some in this nation are blaming an entire religion for the actions of a few of its zealots. I believe that art and beauty to one person is offensive trash to another, and both people are entitled to their opinions and have to right to state their opinion without judging another because of theirs. I believe that someday I may return to full activation in the church, but for now, I just need a break from the judgment, the prejudice and the political agenda from some of those I attempt to worship with.

2010-08-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to update a little over 4 months and 71 pounds. Still can't believe it's actually me. Thanks to all for the support.

3 Months - a little late

2010-07-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of me at my sister in law's baby shower. It was days after the official 3 month anniversary of my surgery. At this point I was somewhere between -58 and -60 pounds. This is the first picture I have seen that I can actually see a difference. As of today I am -63 and hoping the trend continues. I have had to get new clothes and wear a belt most of the time. This is a new experience for me. I don't think I have worn a belt in like 25 years. (In case you need to do the math, that makes me 12). When I got the belt it was purely for necessity, but as the days have passed I have decided I like it. I hope no one takes this as being conceited or something. This is just something I have waited a LONG time for and I haven't been successful like this before (weight wise anyway) and I am proud of myself for doing it. Hopefully I am being a good example to my family now instead of putting them in a dangerous situation.

This is a mini photo shoot that Dan did of me. He liked the sunset, but it appears that we missed the really pretty part. It was really pretty.

Three days ago I was walking through my kitchen, not very quickly because I don't do anything fast, when I slipped on something and had a very non graceful fall. While I don't remember passing out or anything, I found myself lying flat on my tile floor in horrific pain. I have a problem with my neck that is ongoing and if I lift my head to far backwards I pass out. The theory is that I flung my head back too far and must have passed out for a second. After lying there crying for a minute, Dan helped me into a chair. We were confident everything was going to be OK and then one side of my face (any guesses which one?) swelled up and my leg and arm lost all function instantly. At this point between the pain and the loss of function it was decided that I needed to be check out by a doctor, but I couldn't walk. Dan called the paramedics and they came in and strapped me to a board, taped my head down and had things holding my head still. Very much taking precaution in case I had broken my neck or something. They took me to UVRMC where I can't get in to much because it gets me very upset. Lets just say that if it hadn't been for the doctor that they finally called to get rid of me, I don't know if I would have made it out of the hospital without being taken straight to jail for tearing up the ER. They did do an xray and made sure my neck wasn't broken, but that was it until the last doc. He gave me a shot for the immense pain I was in and did a bunch of neuro tests where he determined that I was not faking it. Long story short, I was brought home and carried in the house and just like the doc said, started getting feeling back the next morning. I am still very weak and slow, but getting better. It's just very hard to be back in this pace again, trying to fight my way to "normality" whatever that is. Sometimes I just get lost.

OK, well, that is all I am going to type tonight. Maybe I'll have more later. Thanks for reading.

~Christy

Two Months and the Pioneer Trek

2010-06-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

So, this picture was taken on June 12th. Exactly 2 months after the surgery. At that point I had lost around 40 pounds. That was 10 days ago. Now I'm at 47 to 48 pounds depending on when I stand on the scale and what scale I'm on. In this pic I was wearing pants I have not gotten in for years and the shirts as well. I'm happy for myself and for my family right now. At least in this area. I am not pleased with the lovely tire around my waist that I'm not sure if I'll ever get rid of. This experience has been an interesting one for me. I am told by people there is a very noticeable difference, but most of time it's not something I can see. Yes, I know the reality is that it is different and I can tell when I put on my clothes, but I cannot see it at all. Oh well, I guess it's all going to hit me one day.

Four of my family of 6 were gone for 4 days last week on the pioneer trek in Wyoming. They went to Martins Cove and several other places there. I think they may have really had as close to a real pioneer experience as they could have. The wind broke several tents the first night.

Dan's tent was the first casualty, then his finger as he got a huge fiberglass sliver trying to clean up after the tent. The wind is apparently very unforgiving there. There are sign to prove it. They tell of the pioneer's struggle with the wind. It is cold at night and the wind is frigid. On top of that, our ward had several people who were already injured or got injured during the trek. There is one young man that broke his ankle not long before and really wanted to try and walk some but he was told he would ride. They put him in a handcart first, then they put him in his own handcart fashioned like a wheelchair. Kyler got the opportunity to pull him, along with some help from the Stake President.

I'm told that after that first day, another young man decided it was very important to him to pull him and he held to that decision until they made him stop. We have some good youth and I believe they had a inspiring experience. I think that no matter what they say, they were all glad they went and are changed because of it. I don't have the pics I need on my computer to show you all of them in their pioneer gear, but Dan was the Trek Historian and took something like 1000 pictures. I'll get more on here sometime. Dan was asked to speak on Sunday after the trek and give a synopsis of it. It was touching to see him tear up and have some pretty strong emotion while talking about this. Jake asked me if Dan was sick and going to throw up, I told him no, he's fine, he's just trying not to cry. This really was the experience of a lifetime. There was not a dry eye in the room and the closing song, Come Come Ye Saints, no one could sing.

This is experience from my point of view was another kind. I have gained an appreciation for these people, those mothers and wives who lost their children and husbands, and especially now knowing how it feels to send them off into the unknown and not know if they were OK or not. These were strong women and men and children, and I think in our time, we now have the understanding that maybe we need to appreciate it on another level. They endured unspeakable things and hardships, and so do we in our time experience ours. My hope is that we are now able to appreciate it and meet our hardships with the same unwavering attitudes.

OK, my sermon is over, I hope all are well and thanks for reading.

Update

2010-06-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update on the lives of the Hansen clan. Summer is upon us and the kids are at home. All day. Every day. I am no longer telecommuting as my job assignments are changing (for the better). Trek is coming up and we think we are finally prepared thanks to a trip to the store yesterday in which I paid more than a days salary to purchase non-cotton socks for the hike. If I get a blister, I will cry on so many levels.

I have been taking the new camera out and having fun shooting as much as possible. I shot my first paying job, a wedding, and really enjoyed it. There are many, many photographers out there with much more talent and experience than me, and I am in it more for the fun of the creation of a beautiful picture, but it would be nice to make enough money to cover expenses.

Christy is losing weight like crazy and is almost halfway to her goal.

Kyler got his driver’s license and would drive across the street to borrow milk if we would let him. He’s really handy for those quick trips to the store or taking the other kids to their errands.

Megan is babysitting and helping out around the house.

Aubree is also helping around the house and misses her friends over the summer.

Jake is anxiously awaiting the beginning of football practice.

Random Thoughts

2010-05-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

So, I know I have something I want to write, but when I open up this program, it's gone. Hopefully my rambling won't bore you to death. I guess it's writers block or something.

Lately I have been having a really hard time not being depressed. I was doing pretty well and then one day I just woke up and was in a funk. Not sure what has caused this, but I'm blaming the weather for a major portion. The sun came out over the weekend and it was SO NICE! There just something about gray gloomy skies that brings me down.

I am down 32 pounds now. I know that this isn't something to pass off. That 32 pounds in 5 weeks is pretty good, but this has really bothered and I guess scared me quite a lot. After losing 25 pounds in one week, it seems that 7 pounds in 4 weeks isn't exactly successful. I worry that because I am such a unique person when it comes to my health, that this is how it's going to be for me. Having to work twice as hard as the norm to get the same result. I know this sounds like I'm being too hard on myself, but I really want this and it's not happening how I thought it was going to. I have even returned to going to the gym in the pool at least 2-3 times a week. I'm working on it, just having a hard time seeing the results. Dan and others keep reassuring me that they can see progress and I know they wouldn't lie to me, I just have my moments that I wonder if they are just being nice. On top of that, my neck and my leg have been giving me major problems lately. UGH!!

Dan and I continue to struggle trying to keep on top financially. We really do try, just seems as though there is always something on our heads to keeping us just underwater.

We have recently had more testing done with Kyler. He is really struggling with some classes at school. The poor guy is our oldest and we are learning as we go. We are never sure if these struggles are 16 year old boy issues or whether there are other problems. While we are very aware that some of it is 16 year old boy, we have now learned by testing that there is a much larger issue of a neurological nature than previously thought. I don't know how he gets through as well as he does. It's got to be hard. He has almost no short term memory. Where I thought he was just being ignorant, he really can't remember. Makes it hard on parents to figure out how to discipline and help him through. We keep plugging along, but it is very hard some times and most people don't understand, especially his peers. It's really hard to have to try and help people understand and many make snap judgements, even of our parenting skills with him. All we ask for is understanding and support in what we are trying to do. I have an understanding of how Kyler feels. I have had unexplainable issues and problems that people don't understand as well. I have in the past, and am now again at this point feeling somewhat on the outside of the proverbial group trying to figure out where I fit and belong. OK, enough about this, I am getting worked up now.

Then there is the situation with Megan. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the Orem Police Department right now. They have taken a situation that was bad to begin with and not done a thing to help or protect our daughter. We realize that there is an order in which things have to be done, but we have been left to do everything ourselves and those who are supposed to be there to help us simply haven't. I am afraid this situation is going to be let go and then some one else is going to get hurt and hopefully not worse before anyone pays the correct amount of attention. This occurance with the little boy who was killed this past week has hit very close to home for me. It's all because some one didn't do their job and put that boy in a dangerous place. With that said, I'll stop talking about this now.

Dan has started a new hobby. A while back he got a new camera, mostly for doing his church calling as the Ward Historical Clerk and for the trek where he is the Trek Historian. Outside of church, he has found a way now to use the hobby he loves to maybe make a little bit of money. He is slowly building a portfolio by just doing free shoots with people who inquire. After his first one last Friday, he was hired by those people to shoot a wedding. This one will be a paid gig. Dan has been the photographer for almost all of the family/friend weddings in recent history and really does a very good job. Lets hope it is a lucrative hobby and he can make some cash doing what he loves.

Well, I guess this is a long enough novel. I have really been trying to not complain and be negative. I am just really having a hard time lately. There are more things going on that I can't post on here, but are equally as trying. I am trying to be the Christy you all used to know. Not sure where she has gone. Maybe she has simply gone away and can't come out again until things are less intense. I don't know. I would like to have her back as well. Thanks to all of you who love and support us.

Christy

One month and counting

2010-05-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hike Dan, Aubree, and Jake

2010-05-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Battle Creek Falls hike last week

Seeing Results of a Decision

2010-04-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

So this is the only before picture I could locate. It's not the greatest, but it will have to do.

OK, so after quite some time of battling my weight and having no success, I started looking into other options like the lap band or the sleeve and the gastric bypass. The first thing I checked was the possibility of the insurance paying for it. If the insurance wasn't going to pay, there was no way for me to do any of it. After my research, I discovered that Medicare would in fact pay for it as long as I had 2 qualifying sicknesses and had tried other things. Well, believe it or not, with all of the docs I have seen over the past 3 1/2 years, no one was tracking my regular health. I had been told that I did not have diabetes, that my blood pressure was unregular, but they figured it was from anxiety, and a list of other things. I decided in December that I was going to find a new primary doctor and have a physical. I needed one anyway, and if things worked out, then we could maybe push through some kind of help.

I went to see Dr. Darryl Stacey in mid December. He did a physical and a full work up on me. He knew of my previous history and issues that I deal with. The conclusion came back that I had pretty bad diabetes, and that my blood pressure was so unregular that I needed to be medicated for both. He then wrote a letter to the surgeon that I had asked to do surgery and told her what was happening. By the end of January, I had appointments set up for the surgeon and was well on my way for the surgery. I had originally planned to get a lap band, the least invasive of the three, but after further study and talking with the surgeon, we decided to go ahead with the Bypass. I went through the Surgical Weight Loss Center, Doctors Christina Richards and Daniel Cottam. This is one of 2 places that were available with Medicare. They did everything. They wouldn't schedule surgery until the insurance had cleared and it only cost us $500. I started the process the first of January and by mid February we had surgery scheduled for the end of March originally. The process going so smoothly and easily really gave me a peace of mind that I was doing the right thing.

The surgery didn't actually happen until April 12th because of some unforseen problems with my health, but it did go forth on the 12th. I had been on a liquid diet for 7 days before. This amazed me that I actually did it. The doctor reported to Dan that the surgery went "perfect" and then promptly put me in the ICU. I have always had an unusually high heart rate. This apparantely concerned the doc so I was put there as a precaution and spent 2 days there. I live in Orem and the hospital and doc are in East Downtown SLC. She didn't want me to have problems and be that far away. If I could just convince people that the ICU was a precaution, it would be good. Many don't understand the changes that have happend with this surgery over the past several years and have been very concerned.

As of this morning, April 19th, exactly 7 days, I am down 22 pounds and Dr. Stacy took me off of all my meds. My BP has regulated well and my Blood Sugars are pretty great. It is soooo nice to see results from working hard to do something. I have struggled with meight for years and just couldn't make it happen. This gives me renewed strength to go on now that I know I'm having success and can actually see it. Hopefully soon I will post a new pic so you can see the progress.

Thanks to all of you who have helped and supported Dan and I and the kids through this. I am well on the mend and doing well.

~Christy

Christy Surgery

2010-04-15T12:10:00.001-07:00

I'm sure that she will tell you more later, but Christy's surgery went perfect (according to her doctor). She had to stay an extra day in the ICU because she had an elevated heart rate and so she didn't com home until yesterday. She had the surgery at Holy Cross Hospital (now known as Salt Lake Regional Medical Center) in Salt Lake. A creepy place where a homeless guy met us at the door when we arrived. Salt Lake Regional Medical Center was formerly known as Holy Cross Hospital, which was the only Catholic Hospital in Utah for over a century. The hospital was sold by the Sisters of the Holy Cross in 1994 and renamed. The hospital is built on a block that was a hill and the whole set-up is just weird. The main entrance is on the second level of the parking structure. Christy would not let me take pictures of her in the hospital, but I took some pictures of my kids and have been playing with my iPhone - Pictures below.

Spring Break Update

2010-04-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Kyler is doing his roading for driver's ed.

Jake and Aubree have been fighting - we got them to stay still and smile in order to get a few shots:

We've been trying to keep them out of trouble

Christy is enjoying her liquid diet week and having the kids home

Megan has been babysitting and I have been taking pictures.

I'm Surprising Even Myself

2010-04-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today is day number 2 of my liquid diet. It really isn't as hard as I thought it might be. So far anyway. I'm sure about Thursday or Friday it might get a little tough. Really though, as long as I chew my gum and drink my shakes like I should, I feel OK. I even prepared a meal yesterday and didn't sample anything. I surprise even myself!! This surgery is something that is going to change my life in many ways and I am really determined to get it right.

Dan and I had Chinese food for lunch last week. They put a bunch of fortune cookies in with it, so I took 2 of them. The pic to the side is what they said. I know that these aren't real and I am not really superticious, but 2 of them in a row?? I am holding on to this. Waiting for these good things :-) I know they have to be coming, it's about time!!

Last week we also found out some other things. Not so good, but manageable. We found out that Megan has an auto immune disease called Hashimotos Thyroid. This explains why she can't seem to lose any weight. They have started her on some medication so we'll see how that works. The issue now is that it's not just a thyroid problem, it's an auto immune issue. The doctor says she will likely have others that just haven't surfaced yet, or we haven't caught. Poor girl, she never had a chance.

Also, we have had Kyler in for some testing. They so far have determined that he has a processing disorder that is very closely tied to a memory problem. There is more testing scheduled. We will be waiting to find out what the results are from that. It does explain a lot. Poor guy. He just turned 16 last week. Can't be very easy on him.

Speaking of Kyler turning 16. This was a weird thing for Dan and I. It seems very unreal that we have a 16 year old child. We still don't feel old enough to be at this stage of our lives. It has been a real dose of reality for us. Middle age is upon us, whether we believe or like it or not. SCARY!!

It appears that Dan has managed to escape the layoffs once again. He really doesn't enjoy his job and would like to be happy in a job elsewhere, but this one is a good one and he is feeling a little less worried now, at least for a while.

Anyway, life continues to surprise us around here. Not really any dull moments. We are just trying to get through it. Thanks to all of you who care about us. It's nice to know we have friends.

~Christy

The week of liquid life

2010-03-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today I am starting my week long liquid diet. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what I have to do. Required for my surgery. So far, it's been OK. I can chew gum and drink sugar free stuff. Also, I get to have 4 protein shakes a day. So really I'm not starving. I am also allowed sugar free Popsicles and jello. This way it feels like I'm eating something of substance. I have been preparing myself for this for a while by having only protein drink for at least one, sometimes two meals a day. I found that I can do this, I just have to have the will power. I am very determined to get this surgery, so I will do what is required. I have new problems popping up on close to a weekly basis. This surgery will hopefully help most of those things. I am absolutely aware that is won't solve my problems with my neck and spine, but I am trying to solve, or at least help, everything I can. It's a vicious cycle with weight. Add other things to it and it makes it almost impossible to lose any. I have to exercise to lose weight, but can't because of my neck and spine. Which in turn makes it so I can't lose, and really gain. This surgery is giving me hope. Something I haven't had much of for a very long time. Lets just hope that the happenings over the weekend don't postpone it.

So, two Sundays ago I started coughing uncontrollably. I really couldn't breath. I didn't sleep at all Sunday night because every time I laid down I would cough and choke. Wasn't doing well sitting up either. I was sure I had caught something from the guy who sat behind me in church and coughed all over me. Not good 2 weeks before surgery. I went to the doc, he gave me some stuff, then I felt a lot better Tuesday. So then this last Saturday I really started having trouble again. No sleep Saturday night. Finally on Sunday when I got really scared I decided to go to the insta care where I walked in and the lady said, "Your lips are blue, we need to get you in immediately." I didn't know my lips were blue, but OK. My stats were at 54. They gave me a breathing treatment really quick and I was told if my stats didn't improve drastically I was going in the hospital. GREAT!! Just what I need! Anyway, they did improve, they gave me one more treatment, then sent me home with a handful of inhalers and stuff and meds. I am currently waiting word from the surgeon whether this is going to affect things or not.

What we figured out is that I had an allergic reaction the the paint primer called KILZ, that Dan used while he's been painting for the last couple of weeks. This caused a major Asthma attack, that almost literally killed me. I told Dan they named that primer correctly. He has stopped painting for now, but will continue at a later date when I am over all of this. These are the major reasons I need this surgery. Hopefully it will fix my immune system enough to get through things like this.

Anyway, I am hopeful that things will be fine and go as planned. All I can do is hope. Wish me luck that me and my family make it through this week :-) Life is changing drastically, and hopefully for the better.

~Christy

PS- check the comments, things have changed!!

Crazy Jake

2010-03-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

Jake working at the Great West Conference championships:

He won $20 worth of gift certificates to The California Pizza Kitchen and an orange bouncy ball - He really didn't care about the gift certificates.

Our freshly painted romantic hideaway

2010-03-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

Our ruby red bedroom

Be Still My Soul

2010-03-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

A friend posted this on her facebook status..."Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still changing. His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below." An ending line of a verse of a hymn.

I can't state how much this line applies to me right now. I have to keep reminding myself to try and put it all in his hands. The first line of this hymn is..."Be Still My Soul, the Lord is on thy side; with patience bear, thy cross." I didn't state the entire line, but there is enough there to make my point. I am trying VERY hard to keep thinking positively and do what I'm supposed to so that mine and my family's lives are good. It gets really hard and I lose perspective a lot now. I'm glad that there are people who do a better job with that perspective and help me to as well.

In the last few weeks, there have been many trials and challenges. Ones that we had hoped and prayed we would never have to deal with.

We are facing the reality that Dan is likely to be laid off soon. It's not a sure thing yet, but a very likely happening. He has worked since he was 14 and never had even one day withough a job. We will be OK, Dan has done his homework and things shouldn't be too bad, but preparations are being made here. I am a worrywart, always have been and I try not to, but fear it's something I just am. I guess maybe this is the way in which he will be able to get a job doing something he really enjoys.

One of our daughters was hurt in a way which is very hard to get past. She is doing pretty well and trying to move on from it, but as a parent, I am having a really hard time not just wanting justice! It's hard to see people who ruin other peoples lives just seemingly get away with nothing but a stern warning and a slap on the hand. That said, I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord and the public authorities that they will do what needs to be done with this person and all of those around them that are either helping them or also being affected.

The ongoing struggle with trying to figure out how to help Kyler continues. He's a good kid with a huge heart. He would give the shirt off his back for just about anyone. He would do anything for anyone. He does a good job at work, and he has been busy, but has worried a lot about his peers in the church. He is simply misdirected. Dan and I have tried just about everything we know how to help him get some direction. Life with his sickness can't be easy. Add his age and the things that go with that to it and it's got to be very hard. I get very frustrated sometimes and I wish I could figure out how to better handle things with him. But having him learn how to deal with things better, I want more. Yesterday was a mission farewell for some one that he has known since he was 4. They haven't always been the best of friends, but he was absolutely distraught that many of his peers are leaving. He's happy for him and supportive of him going on a mission, but isn't sure how things are going to be now that he will be gone. I feel bad that Kyler feels so bad about this, but have tried to use it as a teaching tool. That he needs to focus on making himself better so he can use the example being set for him. He's a brilliant young man, we just hope he finally realizes this sometime soon.

I hope that everyone knows that I am really trying hard to remember who I am and realize that I do have "The Lord On My Side". I just get lost sometimes. The constant and sometimes multiple trials at once that have hit us the past few years sometimes seems to be too much to handle. I'm trying to learn and count on who and what I need to. I just want things to be happy again. It's been a long time. I love my husband and I love my kids. I just want to have the way things used to be return to my home. At least the loving happy part.

Thanks to all of you who read our blog.

~Christy

I Hope to Be Half the Person I Am Now

2010-02-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

Things around here are crazy as always. Everyone going all different directions. There are days that when I lay my head down on the pillow I am out faster than flipping a switch, unfortunately, there are other days that I cannot sleep because of the thoughts running around in my mind.

It looks like pretty soon I will be having a gastric Bypass. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's where they make your stomach into a small pouch and re-route your small intestines to the pouch. It makes it so you can only eat 4-6 oz at a time. This is pretty much the only way I am ever going to be able to lose weight. I have tried a lot of things, and the lack of being able to strenuously exercise has made it all but impossible. I will still have to exercise after this, but doing what I already am doing is sufficient. I was told yesterday that I would be scheduled as soon as they can get a couple more blood test results. So probably by the end of the week I will know more. I know that everyone has their own experiences and opinions about this and that you only have my best interests at heart, but what I am asking of everyone is that you support me through this as I have thought long and hard about this, I have prayed, I have seen doctors and done a lot of research and I as well as Dan feel this is what's best for me. I need to have the knowledge that I have done everything I can possibly do to help myself with my other issues. I will need your help and support for a little while.

Making the decision to have this surgery has pushed me to do some things that I didn't really ever think I would be able to do. I have been 8 days with no caffeine or carbonation. Many of you know that caffeine has been a pain management system for me. I just decided I had better deal with that situation before the surgery. I will have enough to recover from without having that on top of it. This week I am starting on a small level doing the meal replacement (protein shakes) and a multi vitamin. I'm starting slow, but will work up to more as the week before surgery I will have to only eat these and liquids. This morning has been OK. I actually think it may have helped my headache. I woke up with a horrible one that was making me nauseous. I don't feel great, but better. Hopefully by doing it this way, I am not only preparing, but breaking some habits that I have battled for a very long time.

During the last few weeks interesting things have happened. I was sitting in church 3 weeks ago when I started getting a horrific pain down my leg. After trying to just adjust how I was sitting a few times I decided to come home. This is such a hard thing for me. I know the drill with this. After the horrific pain and swelling, the next step is losing function all together. I couldn't believe this was happening again. I went through a couple of days really not knowing what to do and very much in despair. How could this be happening? Again? Well, the function came back, it's not great, but I can walk. Also during this time I had been dealing with what everyone thought was an infection. Well, after taking an entire round of antibiotics, it came back with a vengeance. Long story short, I had Ecoli poisoning. No idea where it came form or how long I had it, but they put me on a super antibiotic (same stuff they were giving the anthrax victims) and now I am doing better.

We are trying hard to stay upbeat. It's hard sometimes, but we're really working on it. We just keep hoping that the full court press will be coming to an end soon for us.

Thanks to all of you who have checked up on us and shown some concern. Support and friendship and love is what keeps us going.

~Christy

Phew!!!

2010-01-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

January is quickly becoming the scary month of every year. Specifically the second half of January. The new year starts off well, but by that 3rd week we are preparing ourselves. Last year Kyler was so sick he almost didn't make it, but got better. Major allergic reaction to medication. Well, this year Aubree started complaining weeks ago that she was having "migraines". Being the drama queen she is and thinking she was just wanting attention, I ignored her pleas. Her complaints were exactly the same as mine. It just didn't sound sincere.....Well, she wasn't wrong. I finally took her to the doctor last week and the doctor informed me that she either had a possible reaction to meds called Psuedo Tumor Cerebri, or an actual brain tumor. Extreme swelling behind her eyes, especially her right eye. Having hearing problems with her right ear, and having some pretty major mood swings. Talk about feeling the guilt!!! Well, after 8 days of wondering, she had an MRI and it was clarified that she does not have a tumor. She does however have this pseudo thing and it is quite scary alone. It exactly mimics a tumor. There is severe swelling, etc. They are currently treating her for it and the expectation is that she will be fine in a few weeks. It is very rare (There seems to be no other kind of sickness in this family) and they aren't sure but suspect the medication she was on for causing it. (Also seems to be the thing in this family).

I have tried very hard to stay in perspective and not freak out about all of this. I did pretty well until last night and today. Just couldn't take it anymore. In a 24 hour period, Jake came down with Croup and was gasping for air all night, Dan needed to see a doc for the lingering horrible cough he has, I have an infection, and Kyler was complaining of feeling under the weather. That with the Aubree stuff, well lets just say I was not thinking really straight. I am sooooooooo glad to know that there is not anything foreign growing inside her head. I have had 8 days to ponder what I would or wouldn't do if the answer was different. I truly believe that we were all spared for a couple of reasons. First- I really don't think I could have handled it (So God didn't give it) and Second - there was an immense amount of thoughts and prayers sent out for Aubree and our family over the last few days. I am very grateful for the knowledge I have of the power of prayer and for the power of many, especially in prayer.

Thanks so much to the Talbert family for bringing us dinner when I was in no place to think of it and to all of you who thought of us and prayed for us. We felt an outpouring of love from many.

Hopefully, next post will be a happy uplifting post. It's about time for us to have one of these experiences.

~Christy

It's 2010 !

2010-01-04T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well, 2009 was an interesting year for our family. It brought happiness, sorrow, hardship, surprises, questions, you name it, I think it happened in 2009. I can't say that I am not happy it's over, it was almost too much at times, but there were some good things that happened, but I am looking forward and hoping for 2010 to be our year. Whatever that means.

2008 left me without the use of my right arm. Just like the preceding years, the day after Christmas left me this way again. It was not an easy thing to deal with. Wondering why it was always that day. It was at that point that many of the docs had decided that I probably had MS. I started taking a steroid like they wanted me to, but ended up in horrific pain and it didn't help much. Then there was a long time of many docs that were supposed to be "EXPERTS" that turned out to do nothing for me. Then on January 23rd, about 3 weeks after Kyler was diagnosed with Tourettes, he got really sick. Like I had never seen before. He was running a high fever (106 degrees) couldn't eat, drink, or sleep. Had this weird rash from his head down to his knees and his eyes were so weirdly colored I can't describe. I took him to the doc that had prescribed the new meds because I was pretty sure it had to be a reaction of some kind. She said he had some kind of infection and to take him to the pediatrician. That reactions to meds didn't cause fever. Being very upset at this point, I took him directly to the pediatrician who did a bunch of blood work and such. Long story short, after fighting with the ped's nurse for 3 days, he was admitted to the hospital. He was having what I think was a seizure when we arrived there. His temp was still hanging out at 106 because he couldn't keep anything down to work on it. After spending several days in the hospital, they informed us that he had had a very serious reaction to the meds called Steven's Johnson Syndrome and that he probably only had 12 hours or less to live. After a week in there, he came home and has seemed to be OK in that way. During this time as well, Dan had applied for a job in St. George and we were looking at moving.

Fast forward to March. Dan and I took a trip to St. George and down to Vegas. We had a good time, but as we came home, m leg decided that it didn't want to work anymore. Dan had made arrangements so that I was up and moving around a lot so this didn't happened, but it did anyway. My leg has never returned to normal. Everyone was doing OK at this point of the year except me.

Fast forward to May. I had my first Social Security Hearing. It was not a good experience. Lost A LOT of hope there. Kids got out of school and there was the summer. Kyler spent most of the summer in football training. Tore his hamstring 1 week before the season started. Had a rough season. In August I had another SS hearing. This one was much better. We had a good experience and on September 4th I received the approval letter. This was a good thing as I was then finally able to have some security and validation for the pain and suffering of me and my family over the past few years. The plan had been to move too St. George by August first, but things changed and we didn't go. We're still here for the duration I guess.

September brought Volleyball for Megan and Football for Jake as well. We were some busy people for a while. Both of there teams went to the playoffs and far into them. We were able to receive some back pay from SS during this time of the year and were finally able to pay off some things. We still owe a few people, but things have seemed to level out somewhat. We had a good Thanksgiving and a great Christmas.

We have started 2010 in true Hansen fashion. Kyler has a shoulder separation from wrestling and I have been having severe migraines and pain over much of my body, but we are moving along and hoping for a very good 2010.

I hope that everyone has a good year. Things have to look up right?

~Christy

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a quick Merry Christmas to all of you! We love and appreciate all of you and yours. You love and friendships enrich our lives MUCH!

~Christy and Dan and the rest of us

Christmas

2009-12-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

Since I was a little girl, Christmas was the greatest, most fun time of the year. I always had a blast helping put up decorations and decorating the tree. There were parties and just general "good cheer" all around. For about the last I'd say about 10 years, I have not seemed to be able to have the same "happy" feelings as before. Now I know that as we grow older and more mature (I know I'm getting older, not sure about the other yet) that we change roles and it's about making our kids and others feel those happy feelings. This is where I start to feel very inadequate. I no longer have the physical or emotional ability to deal with many of the things that go along with this. I'm not fond of shopping, can't cook very much, (I used to be the hostess all of the time), and my kids and Dan have to hang the decorations. Even wrapping presents becomes a literal painful experience. My poor Megan has had to take on WAY more than any 14 year old should have to. I really want to have those feelings back. I can't teach my family how they should be feeling at Christmas if I can't put myself there.

This time of year has become very scary for me. Not only is it a time of year that I become physically unstable on my feet, even more than usual, but it is the time of year that I have had a relapse of the original "strokelike" event. At least for the last 3 years. I know that the weather is a huge part of this, but I have paid very close attention to life happenings since this happened to me, and have decided much of it is that it is the time of year where I try to be most normal. I want to be involved in things like I have been in the past. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to be involved, if not, I would probably go crazy or die. But after I had been singing at some event 4 nights out of 7 like last week, that this is a huge part of my neck and head pain. I love to sing. I do it anyway and then pay the price later. Also, it is a really hard reality for me to not be able to play the piano the way I know I have been able to in the past. I appreciate those who are believing in me and asking me to play. It makes me feel much more a part of things, even though I know I can't give them the best that I have known I could before. My fingers and arm swell after doing pretty much nothing, so therefore not only is my coordination while playing off, my fingers don't move like they should.

I wish I had a picture of our Christmas tree this year. I don't remember EVER having a tree as loaded with presents as this one. We finally had the financial means to give our kids a very good Christmas. We have probably gone way overboard, but we have never had one like this before, and probably will never again. The idea behind it is to have at least this year that our kids will remember. They have gone without a lot in the past. Not that things are what's important, but they are a little. We have encouraged our kids to do service projects, especially at Christmas, every year, this year included. We hope that it will instill at least a little bit the reason for the season. Jake was sick during the first major snow storm this year and it was really hard for him to not be able to shovel all of the neighborhood driveways. I don't know why, but this year it has seemed to be really hard to find opportunities. Wonder if we are not looking in the right places. It just seems like much of the world has become very ornery and bitter. It's very hard not to fall in to this. We were at the store the other day and all 4 kids had done their shopping, with their own money and when we left they all wanted to put their change in the Salvation Army bucket. It was a proud moment, until I heard some one say, why would that mom let her child go all the way back there just to put in a quarter? To my 8 year old son, that quarter was a sacrifice for some one else. Why would some one want to diminish that feeling he was having of helping some one he didn't know with what he had to give. I don't think he heard it, at least I hope not. I guess maybe I am having a depression spell, but I was proud of my kids for that moment, and proud of Dan and I for doing something right in teaching them. I don't feel adequate to my job very often anymore.

Well, I'm sorry that this has been a pretty sad post, filled with sorrow. I long for the old days of people remembering what Christmas is all about. My wish for all of you is that you have a very wonderful Christmas with family and friends and loved ones. May we all find that inner child at this time of year !

Love to you all- Christy

If it doesn't work by clicking on it, copy and paste in to your address box. Very good things to remember at this time of year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PURToRRq7gM

MJ vs B Russ

2009-12-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

My Comments of the Flash owners blog.

Good thing that gambling in Utah is illegal - everyone would want their money back if they don't win. What a bunch of whiners. With the exception of a few people that said that someone in the ticket office told them that Jordan was there, everyone else went on the assumption, or the gamble that he would be there. This game was promoted as "WILL HE SHOW?" Most of the people said that they would never but another ticket - they never bought a ticket before - I cannot believe you are offended that he was not there. Lighten up, if you missed a Jazz game and gambled that he might show up, get over it!!! If you watched the Flash come back from a halftime deficit to win the game in an exciting finish, then you got your moneys worth and should come back and enjoy another game. Every sports fan in Utah knows that there is a dnba team in Utah county now - come and enjoy the family friendly entertainment at a good price. B Russ stayed and autographed stuff for the fans after the game, and people who's expectations were not unrealistic had a good time. Thanks Brandt.

-Dan

They Didn't See the Forgotten Carols

2009-12-09T02:59:00.001-08:00

Dan has worked at the McKay Center for several years now. He is always gone working, almost constantly during this time of year. Concert and games avail. He starts in like October trying to find out which concert or whatever I want to see. I am an avid music lover, so the concerts are very cool for me. I have seen Kurt Bestor every year,( it's been just knowledge that I was going to see him) and this year when he chose to not do a show at MEC, I started wondering what else I would like to see. I had never seen the Forgotten Carols and had often wondered what it was all about, so that is what I asked for. I have to say, I can't believe I've missed it in years before this. I love the music of KB, but Michael McLean stole KB's title. This show is a miraculous thing that pulls you out of whatever place you're in and plants you in a better place. There was mention afterward about how civil the traffic jam was. I said that everyone was in the Christmas Spirit and a mood for giving and that's why. If it had been a loud basketball game, things would be different. I do truly believe this. I have left many a game there, and have never been just happily let into a line of cars afterward. I had noticed in years past , that Dan always came home filled with a different spirit after working one of these. Now I know why. Kyler also got to experience it this time as he was working.

Let me explain a little about this show. It's about a person who through their trials in life has become very closed and emotionless. Even ornery. The show takes you through a series of things and this person is encouraged to find their "Carol". It's all about looking inside ourselves to find out who we are and show love. To find our 'Carol". Afterward, Michael McLean comes out and talks and plays some more songs. Then he has everyone sing together. It has really had an impact on my thoughts. I am trying to look inside me and find my "Carol".

My sister came and picked me up last weekend and took me out for an afternoon. It was much needed and much appreciated. I have been so busy this month and needed the reprieve. The traffic and attitudes on the roads that day were horrible. I mentioned to her that none of these people had seen the Forgotten Carols and that's why they were so ornery. She laughed, and now this is a standard statement when we come across this attitude.

This time of year is very scary for me. All of my major relapses have been during December. Mostly do to the cold weather. Plus, I am not completely stable on my feet anymore, so the snow and ice make things a little treacherous. I have really tried this year to bury myself in service. I have days that I've done WAY too much physically and have to take some time to recover, but emotionally, trying help some one else who may be struggling has made a way for me to get out of my own struggles and feel good about myself for a while. Plus usually the person or persons I have been helping feel better, so it's good all the way around. I am very happy to be included and given some responsibility in my ward. I know that people were just looking out for me before, but it has been hard to not have much responsibility. I feel more included now. I can't do a lot physically, but I'm good at planning and organizing. This year alone I have been in on the planning of at least 3 Christmas parties, and a birthday bash. Family ones included. I'm not so sure that my kids are happy about doing the leg work, but it's good for them :-)

I am so profoundly grateful, especially this year, for the love of my family and friends. Especially Dan, and my kids. It's been a very rough year for me personally, and I would not have made it through this far if it weren't for them. I hope that they feel of my love and appreciation. I am grateful for this season, and for the reasons we celebrate it. I am working on looking to a brighter future, even if it means experiencing it from afar.

May All of You Find Your "Carol"

~Christy

PS- I typed this a 4 AM, I hope it's understandable :-)

What I am Grateful For...

2009-11-25T18:04:00.001-08:00

I am so grateful for my family. I know that they don't always know it and that things get crazy, but I am very grateful for the opportunity to have a family. I often wonder how I deserve the chance to have my family. I just hope I have done and continue to do a good job with them.

I don't know if I will ever be able to find the words to express how grateful I am for Dan. He is simply wonderful. I know it has been especially hard the past few years dealing with my/our situation, but he is somehow able to take a deep breath and go to it. He takes care of me and our kids so wonderfully. We don't always see eye to eye, but we are the completion of each other. I can't imagine my life without him.

I am so grateful for my friends, you know who you are, and extended family. They are what keeps me going.

I am very grateful that I live in this country. Things aren't the best right now, but it is a great country and I appreciate the freedoms I enjoy, and do my best to respect those that have kept that freedom for me.

I am thankful to have a home. I am thankful that Dan is employed, and even has 2 jobs. That I am able to live comfortably.

I am thankful for Buddy. He likes to bark and is getting older and is not well much of the time, but he is loyal and loves me and is always there for me. I only wish I could take him on walks and play with him more. I love my dog!

I am thankful for Tazzy. I didn't think I could ever like a cat, let alone love him. He is wild and crazy(thus his name Tazmanian Devil- Tazzy for short) and he likes to scare us to death by jumping out in front of us unannounced. He is a good cat and likes to lay by me and purr.

All in all, life is pretty good. I don't say this very often. I just wanted to express my gratitude for all of the things I have and that I enjoy. I hope all take some time to reflect on what they have.

Happy Thanksgiving to All

~Christy

An Update on Us

2009-11-15T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have not posted on here for quite some time. I have been waiting for something deep or meaningful to say, but since that's not happening, I thought I would just give you all an update.

We have had quite a lot happening around here lately.

Kyler finished his Sophomore football season a few weeks ago. Their team had a pretty good record, I think 6 and 2. Not bad for the Sophomores and Freshmen. He had a 2 week break and is now into wrestling. He has been wrestling for several years, since I think 7th or 8th grade. He is pretty good. He was on the JV team during his 9th grade year, but just about the time that they were doing state competitions and things, he got really sick and ended up in the hospital where he was very close to dying. He didn't get to finish the season and was quite upset about it, but it was not his fault and he is still with us, so all is well.

Megan just finished a volleyball season. This year she was able to try out for a freshmen league team, and made it. They ended up winning 3rd place, or as Megan says..."The winners of the losers". Megan has been playing volleyball for several years as well. She is quite good and will hopefully be able to continue playing throughout high school and possibly beyond. We're very happy that she found something that she truly enjoys doing, and is good at as well.

(Sorry, wish I had a better pick) This is what she's best at though.

Aubree is in that stage of life where she doesn't know what she wants to do, so she has been the cheer sister that goes to the games and stuff and cheers them on, or stays at home and helps me out around the house. I hope that she soon figures out where she belongs. She is a truly loving girl, that trusts others, and has been hurt a lot.

Jake just finished his first season of tackle football. He LOVES football. You would be hard pressed to find him anywhere without one. We sort of have to lay down the law that there are no footballs allowed at church. He's very good at it, and does whatever the coach asks of him. He has played both sides of the ball and has a pretty good understanding of the game. He really enjoys playing and we hope he is able to continue on playing throughout his school career. It makes him happy.

All in all we are doing OK. Dan is back to working 16 to 18 hour days and is very tired, but he enjoys his job at the McKay Center. The people he works with there are really nice, and great to him and all of us.

I just had yet another surgery. This one was to fix the original ankle surgery I had in March 2008. It hasn't really been bad at all. The worst part of it is that I haven't really felt like I've come out of the sedation. Weird I know, but everyone, including myself, would probably faint if I was just normal. I am trying to learn how to just go with the flow. It's hard, but I'm working on it.

Well, that was just an update for now. Maybe something spectacular will happen and I will have something deep or meaningful to say soon. (I wouldn't hold my breath :-) ) Thanks to all who read this blog and who are caring and concerned for our family. We feel your love.

~Christy

Sorry, it's political again

2009-10-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

I live in Utah County. I think it was declared the reddest of all red counties. I worked as a poll worker for the elections last year, and another worker literally cried when she found out that President Obama has been elected. I feel quite lonely in my beliefs here. I have a hard time seeing the Republicans as the religious party. I think that it is easy to reconcile with Democrats as the party that represents my faith and values. The thirteenth article of faith talks about doing good to all men, hope, and seeking out lovely things. I think this describes the democrats. I abhor abortion and am in agreement with President Obama when he said that no one is pro-abortion. I think that abortion as a form of birth control is wrong, and should be used sparingly and rarely. The twelfth article talks about being subject to presidents, I don’t think that means calling them Hitler or saying that he hates white people. I think that issues should be debated on the merits, not by name calling and defining people by one or two members of their circle of associates.

I am disappointed that my church interferes with a non-members civil rights for religious reasons, and that I have to reconcile that with my own system of values, and my testimony of the truthfulness of the restored gospel. I need to exercise my faith, and trust in The Lord to guide me not only in this area of my life, but in all areas of my life. I like to think that the eleventh article of faith means that we allow others to believe that gay marriage is of God, and that if it bring two people together and forms a family that raises children in love, that should be their right.

I apologize for unloading in my posts. I used to sit at lunch with friends and debate issues and current events. I loved that. The only person that I really talk to about this kind of stuff now is my wife (and friends and family on FaceBook), and I can’t unload on her anymore because she is tired of the conflict. I like to think that I am fighting the good fight. I like to think that I am giving people whose only source of enlightenment is Fox "news" a different perspective of the world and world events. In my most humble opinion, the great divisiveness that is now part of this country's culture of right and wrong is the fault of the republicans. Don't get me wrong, the dems do it too, but watching this latest health care process just makes me sad. The dems cut and slashed and compromised to get one republican vote. Why? Why are they (the dems) trying so hard when no matter how watered down it is, when the republicans are not going to vote for it because it is a democratic measure? The republicans did not work at all to bring dems to their side when passing things, why are the dems such wusses when it comes to getting things done. Most Americans want a public option, and it will be good for the country. Congress should listen to the people that voted them in, not the paid lobbyists and just PASS THIS THING.

Reflection

2009-10-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the day my life changed forever. Things were pretty good for the most part. I had a few issues I was dealing with, but for the most part OK. Trying to attain a college degree, working a full-time job and making fairly decent money. Dan and I had just bought our house a year earlier. It was that time that everyone had told us we would eventually reach. A time of happiness, security, and feeling accomplishment. It wasn't to last like that I guess.

As I look back and see the past 3 years I can see where there has been some good things to go along with the not so good things. I have learned that people with disabilities are some of the hardest working people there are. They may not be able to do a lot of the "physical" work that society deems work, but for them it's just getting out of bed in the morning sometimes. A great deal of what disabled people go through is emotion. In dealing with my own disabilities, I have not always done a great job with the emotion part. It's hard. To go from a do it all type person to not being able to do much of anything is very hard emotionally. I have learned a lot in this area, and continue to learn. Coming to accept ones disabilities is a pretty complete life change. I am one who has fought to keep my credibility during 3 years of unknown diagnosis and many professionals and not so professionals thinking I was mentally ill and doing this for attention. I hope that this is finally cleared up as they have come up with a few diagnosis and that it has come to light that I have several of my proceeding family members who suffer from the same issue. Just knowing that I am not crazy helps a lot emotionally. I now just try and deal with the emotion of not being able to do many things that I should, and previously did, be able to do. It's hard, and all I ask is for understanding and care during this time and I keep attempting to adjust to the changes that have been put upon me.

I have learned a lot over the past few years. I have learned that I can push myself harder than I ever thought I could. I do have a few VERY good friends who I count on A LOT. I also gained new friends, with one in particular I feel I've known my whole life. We are very close and very much alike. (You know who you are) I just wish that she was geographically closer.

I would be remiss if I didn't thank Dan for the love and care shown me during this time. He has ridden this roller coaster with me the whole way through. His life and the lives of my children have also changed and they have had to adjust as well. He is my rock, my strength, my eternal companion. I thank him for loving me every day.

Well, I just needed to express something. Every year this date goes by and it is an emotional day for me. This year I have a little more hope than last and hope that this trend of yearly improvement will continue.

~Christy

The Good Ole Days

2009-10-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot the past few days about the old days. You know, the days when you could get up in the morning and go through the day and maybe only run into a few negativity's before going to bed. Now I know that I have not been the most positive person for the last while, but I do at least try. I am really disturbed by the way society in general has become rude and cynical. People just say what they think when they think it, even if it's not something they know or really believe. Usually just what came to their mind the quickest. We have tried to instill a sense of compassion and respect in our children, the problem is that they spend the bulk of their time with many who have not. What's more is that they are treated badly if they do follow these things. If I was a teenager today, I would be scared to death to act respectfully. Now I'm not saying they shouldn't be responsible for their own actions, just that it would be nice if others were too, including some adults. It seems that many claim and use their "right" to say whatever they want, but forget to remember and respect the way that they got that right.

I am quite disturbed by some of the reactions to recent current events. Whether we agree or not on things that are being done, we should still have the basic human compassion we were all given as human beings.

I apologize for anything I may have said that may have been offensive and ask forgiveness, all I ask is the same respect in return. It seems that if society would do this simple thing, the world would be a much better place.

I know that it's nothing new, but I am very sad right now. I can't get away from the fighting and arguing. If we have the right to these things, don't we have the right to ask for some peace as well? Just a thought

Sorry,

Christy

Dan

2009-09-21T03:16:00.001-07:00

I know I have done this before, but I need to again.

Our lesson for Priesthood and Relief Society on Sunday was about our eternal family. This is something that I try to keep in perspective, not always succeeding, but trying none the less. Remembering that the effects of today are not just for a time, they are eternal. This makes one think a little differently than maybe they would if they were just believing it was for a short time. I put a quote on my last post that is definitely applicable here again, it was by David O. McKay. Read it if you choose, it's all bout looking forward but not forgetting that this time is part of eternity as well.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I could let Dan know just how much I love and appreciate him. I know I am not the best at showing it all of the time, and for that I am sorry. I do recognize the things he does for me and our family. He literally works himself sick. This past week, with a little help from me, not much, and my parents, he canned 32 quarts of peaches, 12 quarts of pasta sauce, last weekend he did grape juice, and the week before that was the heavy lifter for another 3o+ quarts of peaches. He also did pickles a few weeks back. All of this on top of working 10 hour days at one job, and some at the other. Also included in this schedule are various practices and football and volleyball games. I do what I can, but I am slow and not much help. He cooks and cleans and pretty much does it all. It makes me cry to describe all of this and know how tired he is. Some how he keeps reminding me that it's ok, that I didn't ask for this to happen to me, that it's his responsibility to take care of his family. In the lesson I mentioned before, it talks about what is on the shoulders of men in the church. The priesthood is a huge responsibility and when you add all of the above mentioned, it's almost like the weight of the world is on him.

I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. How did I get so lucky? I know many people who do not have what I have. I can't understand the dynamic of it being any other way. I was raised by a man who took all of this very seriously and married a man who also does. I know no other way. I wish everyone had this.

Well, I will keep this relatively short(Compared to previous posts). I hope that Dan knows how much I and our children love and appreciate him. Even if we're not always showing it. He is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I guess I don't need to worry, he is mine for eternity.

~Christy

A Full Explaination of the Previous One Word Post

2009-09-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry, this one will be long, but it's the only way I can do it :-)

Well, I don't know how many of you noticed that I have not posted on here for a while. I purposefully didn't post because I was really having a hard time finding anything nice to say. While obviously that hasn't always stopped me, I just really had a feeling something good was coming. It had to, I was sinking to the bottom. I knew it, but really couldn't find a way to climb out of it.

As most of you know, I have been fighting with Social Security since January of 2007(to do the math is 2y9m) to approve me as disabled. I was almost 34 when all of this happened and am almost 37 now. In approximately 5 weeks, it will be 3 years since the day I got sick.This process has been very long physically and emotionally for me and for my family, Especially Dan. At the point in time when I got sick, I was bringing about 3/4 of the amount Dan was and we were doing pretty well financially. An experience we had worked hard to have. Life changed VERY dramatically on the 18th of October 2006. Anyway, after 2 episodes of this happening and 1 month in the hospital and weeks of outpatient everything, Dan filed for SSDI.

After waiting for what seemed like forever, I was told I had a hearing on May 21st of this year. As many of you have previously read on this blog, this hearing did not go well. I had what seemed like the meanest judge in existence, and no chance of ever getting approved. I was so let down by this, it felt like just another person who didn't even believe me that I was going through what I said I was. I am a person who is all about doing things the right way, correctly. Just ask Dan, it drives him insane sometimes. Losing my credibility is one of the worst things that could happen to me. I have been turned away and told I was unbelievable so much, that it just about put me over the edge. Anyway, to my surprise, the judge continued my case. I was FUMING mad that day, but Dan kept reminding me that this was really a good thing, that it gave us time to solidify my case. I had pretty much no hope, but tried to take his advice. I was just too tired to go on much more.

SO fast forward to August 26th, 2009. This was when my hearing had been rescheduled for. We went up to the courthouse like normal, then we spoke with my representative who told us that she was hopeful, but that not much had changed. We discussed it and decided that Dan would be held out as a witness. If things looked like they weren't in our favor, he could go in and basically back up my story. Thankfully, that never happened. When we were first in there, things were very tense and unhappy. This judge really doesn't show any kind of emotion. They went through all of the technicals, then it was my turn to speak. I basically told her that I felt sad that the world has turned in to such a place, that when a person tried to do things the honest way, this is what happens. Then I proceeded to tell her that I have 4 kids and a husband and a home that I could no longer take care of or help out in pretty much any way anymore. That if I could be better, I would be. That I don't like what has happened to me nor do I want to have to be unable to do the things that a 36 year old wife and mother should be doing. At this point, I started to cry. I apologized for this and told her that I did not want to cry as I felt it made her think I was not being honest, but it happened anyway and I couldn't stop it. She asked me why I hadn't seen certain doctors, at which point I told her that I didn't know these docs existed and if I did, I would have seen them. She then told me where to find them. You could have knocked my rep over with a feather. I explained previously that this judge has no feelings, remember? She then asked the doc she brought in of his opinion, he said he couldn't put his finger on a decision and was leaving it to her. Then she asked the Vocational Specialist that she brought in of her opinion as to whether I could work a job and the answer was like the best sound in my ears had heard in a VERY long time. She said... "No Way, Not in my opinion, NO". We were then excused and I was wished a good day by everyone, including the judge. The door shut behind us and my rep said something like... I don't know what it was that you did, but the judge actually had what looked like tears in her eyes. She never helps anyone, and certainly isn't cordial to wish anyone a good day. We then met Dan who had been pacing the halls and spoke for a bit. We were told that generally if it's favorable, it's quick, (Quick meaning 4-6 weeks) and non favorable will take a while. Then we left. We were cautiously optimistic but not letting ourselves get too sure. I however, waited about 3 days before I started having the mail checked like 14 times a day. I just felt like it was going to be there.

So Friday, September 4th, 2009 Dan went out and checked the mail. He started saying as he came in the door..."Can I open it?, Can I open it?" This is what was in his hand... (sorry, blocked out my address for safety

So we sat down at the table and he opened it up. I think my heart stopped for a minute there. Then, this is what we saw...

I know that this is hard to see, but that top line and the 3rd line say..."Notice of Decision - Fully Favorable" and..."This decision is fully favorable to you".

I sat back for a minute while Dan read all of the technicalities to me. I think I pinched myself a few times to make sure it was real. Could it really be over? Could all of the emotional roller coaster of the past 3 years be over? I couldn't believe it. I cannot explain the relief that came over me once it all settled in. I thought Dan was going to cry. He said to me, "This will be so good for us, it will be like getting a raise". It's true, if things go the way we think they probably will, he won't have to work himself to the bone and then come home and continue doing it anymore. Now I realize that this doesn't make me better, and that there is much more to go from here, but the joy of this pressure being gone is immense.

Also, a revelation came with this letter. One that said that I have a diagnosis of Degenerative Disc Disease in my Cervical Spine. Nothing anyone can do to help this from what I understand, and it took me a minute to get past the fact that my docs knew this and didn't tell me, just let me go on thinking I was going crazy, but at least now I know some of what is going on with me and feel as though my credibility has been reinstated. Life is OK for the time being. We now wait to find out the numbers of the financials, but I should get insurance and pay retroactively to early 2007. We are back to the waiting, but at least we know the outcome will be better than before.

I hope that during this time I have not completely alienated my friends and family. It has been a very hard 3 years for our family and especially Dan and I, but we are looking forward to a better future. This is a quote that Dan sent to me yesterday, I think it's fitting here.

“Some of us look forward to a time in the future

salvation and exaltation in the world to come

but today is part of eternity.”

- David O McKay

I hope that all of our family and friends are getting answers to their prayers. We are beginning to see ours and know that it is in no small part do to your prayers in our behalf . Thank You all.

~ Christy

APPROVED!!!

2009-09-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

The Changing of the Seasons

2009-09-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Fall is returning and has brought our lives back with it. I love summer, but I really need to get back to life. Christy attended her final hearing for Social Security last week and while we do not ever count on anything when it comes to the government, we are looking optimistically to the future.

Kyler is playing football and has practice or a game every weekday. He has done his fair share in the fundraising department and is feeling the effects of getting tackled by young men that are bigger than him and running at high speed.

Megan is trying out for a volleyball club team. The cuts are tonight and we are confidant that she will make the team. She has been playing for three years and has been going to camp for the last two. Her skills have improved and she is not afraid to sacrifice her body for the ball.

Aubree is the social butterfly of the group. She helps us out at home and keeps up with all her friends on Facebook.

Jake is playing tackle football this year. He has been waiting from birth to start playing. He practices everyday and has his first game is this weekend.

I finally go back to my part-time job on Monday. Nothing happens there in the summer and I miss the people that I work with and getting out and working with the public.

Our lives are a constant maze of interacting projectiles that meet up for a meal a couple of times a week, but it works for us. All of this running around has kept us from the gym for a few weeks, but that situation will be remedied soon.

Those of you who known me well know that the current political debate invigorates me. I worked and was a student at UVSC when the Michael Moore/Sean Hannity controversy was stirring. I loved the energy on the college campus. I loved the dialogue between the opposing views. In watching the news coverage I was amazed at the many good things that were said about Teddy Kennedy from people across the political spectrum. He made mistakes in his life and those mistakes guided his future life decisions. He was known as a politician that reached across the isle to get things done. Both sides now have their own ideas about what Teddy would do now, but here is my opinion. Health care needs reform, and politicians need to reach across the isle and get it done. Each side of this debate listens to their own pundits and commentators and get pushed back into their own corners and make no effort to come to the middle. There is no longer a Walter Cronkite to give us the news as it is, there are only “news” channels to spin everything their direction. I hope that America can learn to just get along…

Stay Tuned... for the Next Episode In This Drama

2009-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

OK, so the past week I had an MRI, another sleep study, a Spinal tap and tomorrow is another physical evaluation. While I know that I cannot do much of anything, I am very nervous about this. All of the tests always come back normal or something close, but obviously I am not OK and this doctor knows it. This is the only thing really holding me together. I managed to escape the spinal headaches from the Spinal Tap, at least I think I have, which is great, but what I didn't have before (probably because I was paralyzed and couldn't feel it) is a very severe backache. Not just a normal one, one that goes from the top to the bottom of my spine. I guess if I was a spine, I would not like a great big needle jammed into me. I'm sure this is normal, but not comfortable. My hope is that going through all of this will find something and give me some answers. I can't trust that it will though. I have seemed to have lost my ability to not react when I get one of these "everything came back normal" answers. A little worried about myself. Anyway, whatever.

I do know for sure though that the sleep apnea I have is completely neurological. There is nothing obstructing my airways. Getting my tonsils out wasn't a total waste. The scary part is that it's "simply", don't you love that word "simply" , that my brain tells my body to stop breathing. No real way to treat this except with a breathing machine at night. This doctors office has been wonderful to help me find a way to make this work. The last one pretty much said, "Here is your machine, Good Luck". I had problems consistently and they would never help me. Anyway, maybe this will help me a little. After the last test, the guy doing said he thinks I got some much needed deep restful sleep I probably hadn't had in years. He was right. I felt pretty good the next day until I had to walk too much and felt like crap when I went to bed. Oh well, such is my life.

Well, I'll try and update some more after I get some answers from all of this. Asking that all of you cross your fingers, and toes and pray and whatever else you can think of that this might all go through for us. We really need things to go better for us/me. Thanks

~Christy

Breathing In and Out

2009-08-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

So, in the last week or so since my last post, we were able to get both of the boys into football, take care of the school fees, and get some groceries. Things at least give off the appearance of coming together. But as there is always an opposite and equal reaction to everything, so it is this time.

Kyler is down to the wire with getting ready for football season to start. They are doing 2 a days this week. While this may be great for Kyler as far as conditioning, this means that we have to make at least 4 trips to Mountain View every day. Now Dan is doing his best to take some of the pressure off of me, this is soooo tiring, especially when there is anything else, like a doctors appointment during the day. Kyler had to have a physical today in order to play. While this is also a good thing to do anyway, my word. There are so many questions and so many papers to fill out, that it was something like closing on our mortgage. Once all of that appointment was wrapped up, there came that lovely announcement, "You need some shots". To Kyler, you may as well say I'm pointing a gun at you head as tell him he's getting a shot. He is very phobic of needles. Not fun, but he's ok. He did fine. I also took Aubree with me, because she needed a shot, and when she got there, she needed 3 others as well. UGH, I don't think I could have had a worse pair for whining than the 2 of them together. Oh well, I won out and they are both just suffering now. Whatever!!

We got Jake registered for football on Saturday. He has been somewhat patiently waiting for this time to come when he could play tackle football. He played flag for two years and so this is the year. Now, not only will I have Kyler needing to be everywhere, so will Jake. (Breath Christy, breath!!) We did all the volleyball for the girls in the spring, so maybe I'll live.

So in the midst of registration for school, football all around, haircuts, shoes, new clothes, etc, my leg has started to revolt and pretty much stop working today. Now everyone wants to say that it is my stress level, I am more inclined to say that I have been doing WAY too much lately and simply can't keep going at that level anymore. I was discussing with Dan earlier that the stress comes after and because of the problem. It doesn't cause the problem, the problem causes it. On top of all of this, I have this hearing hanging over my head. I really am scared to death of this judge. I don't think I can take being told I'm faking it anymore. Obviously I'm not faking it. Too much is hinging on this. I have worked for years and paid my dues, I deserve this. I am tired of being denied what I've earned and honestly need, because of those who have scammed the system. It seems to effect all sides of my life.

Anyway, sorry for the whiner post. I am just trying to remind myself to breath in and out.

The Power of Prayer

2009-08-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the past few days have been very interesting for me. My emotions have been very heightened , even more than usual, not sure why but the roller coaster has been huge. I have heard so many times that things are at the worst just before something good happens. I am holding on to this theory with everything I have in me. Things have been exceptionally hard for us the last week or so. It seems that this happens every year just before the beginning of school. Things start to fall apart. This year though, seems to have a little more kick. There are things that I can't go into.

It has been nearly 3 years since I got sick. We are still fighting the same battle now, as we started fighting then.

We got Kyler and Megan's fee schedules for school last week. I think a heart attack could have easily ensued after opening Kyler's. Between the 2 of them, if we add up all of the yearbooks and pta memberships, it's close to $500. Plus all of the extra things Kyler has had to have for Football, etc. He is playing Defensive Guard. In his defense, he paid for his really expensive cleats, and has tried quite hard to sell banners to get his fees waived. Thanks to some that generously donated, he has had a little success with this. Not enough to get the waiver though. There is a Luau on the 15th of this month that he is selling tickets for in case anyone wants to come. We always find a way to do it, but are really having a hard time this year. I guess maybe I say this every year. It just seem that no matter how hard we prepare, we still end up shorthand when the time comes. Anyway, I am trying to find a silver lining.

So, we have had a few interesting experiences this past week or so as well. There have been some interesting lessons that I have been able to hear during the last few weeks of church. I guess I should say some of the lessons weren't necessarily taught as much as experienced. It amazes me that some how there is a lesson given when I am going through just that thing. I have really struggled for a while now with feeling like I was being ignored by God. I do know better, I do have faith, but this sickness has gone on way too long for me to handle happily. I do try, although probably no one knows I do. Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I have gotten to know a few people better than I had before and at least in small part, appreciate my trial. I have a neighbor I mentioned before that is facing the reality that her 8 year old daughter is going to die. I have watched her very closely lately and am in awe as to how she is dealing with it. I have come to learn that we are given the trials we are because that's what WE can handle. I hope to never have to know what she feels. To my surprise, she has said to me that she wouldn't know how to deal with what I'm going through. To me, there is no comparison, but I guess we all see things differently. I won't go as far as to say that I am happy and grateful for my trials. I haven't hit that point yet, but I really am trying to see something good.

As I mentioned before, we are really struggling in the financial area....AGAIN. So we were trying the other day to figure out where we were going to get bills and grocery money, etc. Well, we participate in a program called freecycle. This is where you post on email when you have things to get rid of and then people who may want what you're giving away express interest and so it's something like one persons junk is an others treasure, only it's free. Well, after this conversation with Dan, I replied to a post and went to pick it up and there were 5 boxes and 3 bags of food. A true answer to a prayer. Well, then we realized that we had run out of all kinds of dishwashing soap and were looking for ways to get that when again it appeared on the email and I picked up 2 Costco sized boxes of it. I know it sounds a little corny, but I see these things as real answers to prayers. We are tired of having to count on others when we should be able to make ends meet, so these are things that feel like are a way to keep a little bit of dignity in yet another of our crisis' .

Dan and I and our kids had not attended a ward activity for quite some time until last Friday. We had really felt out of place for a long time, but we decided to go to this activity and have fun. It was yet another prayer that was answered. We had a lot of fun and felt acceptance like we had felt before. Also, after several months of nothing, Dan was extended a calling and he accepted. It is a calling that neither one of us or anyone else had ever heard of, but it was perfect for Dan at this time in his life. He is very busy and couldn't accept anything that he had to do more than on Sunday, at least for the most part. He is now an Assistant Ward Clerk - Historical Clerk. He gets to attend all of the ward activities and take pictures and notes and basically compile a history for the ward. Also he is the back up if the Ward Clerk is gone. This is good, because he has been that before and knows his stuff in this area. He makes jokes about it, but this puts him back in the Bishopric, sort of, and I am happy that he is finally back in the middle of things. I have prayed for months for something to come up like this. Bishop gave Dan a beautiful blessing when he was set apart and it was really what we needed to hear.

I have another hearing scheduled with the Social Security office. I don't know how many of you remember or heard about the horrible judge from before, but I get to see her again. I am so scared I can't even explain. My representative has assured me that my case is stronger than before and that I am a very credible person. This is nice to hear as the judge and many others have let me know just how non-credible they believed me to be. This time I have a written diagnosis made by a doctor, (who wrote SSDI code in there so the judge couldn't deny it), even though none of us agree on it, and the evaluation that I flunked severely in my corner. I am still scared to death. I don't know what we are going to do if this doesn't get approved. Not only would the income help us and put my guilt for causing all of this to bed, the insurance is the biggest help. I have to keep getting medical help, but the expense is making it so I can't sometimes.

So yesterday I went to a doctors appointment that apparently I had cancelled. I had no recollection of cancelling it, but it worked out for the best. While I was there, they scheduled another sleep study for me to see if there was any improvement after having my tonsils out. I did this study last night and without the doctor saying it, things are sooooo much better. I knew it, but now I am pretty sure I have the information to prove it. This really hasn't changed much in regards to my other issues, but at least I get some good sleep when I finally get there. I am fairly certain, and the docs have said, that if my tonsils hadn't come out, I would have died in my sleep.

I know the last post was pretty bad as far as attitude goes. I really am trying to stay positive, it's just really hard some times. My kids have really been out of control lately and I am not able to stop many things from happening, nor help to fix them. This causes me a lot of emotional anguish. School really can't come soon enough at this point. A regular routine and some structure will be really great.

One last thing. Today was a great day for many people that I know and love. My great nephew was adopted by some wonderful people who will care for him and love him. I know that this was a terribly hard decision for my nephew and all of his family, but they did what was best for him, and his sister who was also adopted by another wonderful family. I hope that they all find peace in their decision. This was another answer to many prayers that have been said in their behalf.

Prayers are being answered all around me, and some for me/us. All I can do is try to hope that my/our diligent prayers will soon be answered.

Christy

Fulfilling Our Destiny

2009-07-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have really been trying lately to be more positive and upbeat. Today is just not one of those days, sorry. It just seems like whenever I feel like things are going to get better, I have to be sent back to reality. Reality being that something new or a continuation of the old crap is happening. Almost as if whenever I might seem happy or settled, that we can't have that. I must be stressed to the limit. Like it's a law or something.

So for the past while, I have been thinking about what my/our reasons are for being here. When I was a young girl, I thought it was that I was supposed to go places and help people with my musical talent. I was accompanying something or performing in something constantly as a girl and early teen. One day, I just didn't have the desire to do this anymore. I wanted my talents to be for me, not for everyone else. I still try to use my talents to help people, but nothing like before. I don't know if this happened because I had fulfilled this part of my destiny or whether I stopped short of it. Then I thought that to fulfill my destiny was to be a wife and mother. Well, I am still both of those. I think for the most part I do a good job as a wife; although, since I have been sick, Dan has had to take on so many of the things I would normally do that I feel I have been robbed of having the chance to fulfill this part of it the way I feel I should. I feel like I was doing a pretty good job of helping out financially, domestically, and emotionally before, but now it is as if I am the cause of the downfall of these things. As far as being a mother... Well, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at one point a few years ago. Now I pretty much feel like I am just that lady who is only around to make their lives miserable. I used to go places and do things with my kids. Now it's just too much for me to simply go shopping or something. I have been told so many times that I never do anything and all I do is sit and make them work. They never get to do anything fun, etc. One of my children actually tells me I get mad at them only, no one else. Tonight I couldn't even get any ones attention to help me do dinner. One child doesn't thing they need to ask me anything, that I'll just have to deal with whatever is going on. One child has taken on so much responsibility since I got sick that now they think they are the parent. The other just thinks no one likes them. What does this say about the state of my home and family. I am supposed to be the glue that holds us together. How am I supposed to be the glue? I can't even hold myself together. I feel like I am failing miserably at this part of my life. This can't possibly be how it's supposed to be. Poor Dan is doing everything he can. He has to go to work and stuff. How did my house get so out of order? How did I become so obsolete?

My wish is that I hope to be able to continue on and fulfill this part of my life. That part of being a wife and mother. The way I should and want to. I don't know if this wish will ever come true, but I sure do hope so. I love my family too much to not try.

~Christy

Superstition

2009-07-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have never really been one to believe in superstitious stuff. I certainly don't get into the readings and things like that. I do though believe in a higher power. One who is all knowing and gracious and loving. It is sometimes a very hard thing to remember when you are going through trials. I often wonder though if there is a tie between superstition and faith. Really, isn't what most people call "superstition" the belief in something you can't see? Now I don't want any of you reading this to think that I am into some kind of weird thing, it's just a question I had.

Five years ago I had the opportunity to have a job working as an Executive Assistant to the VP of Academic Affairs at then UVSC. It was right after the new President Sederburg had come there. It was also the first year of Summer University, which is a week during which the faculty and staff of the school attends classes and has fun activities. I think it was an inspired idea Pres. Sederburg had. Anyway, I had the opportunity during this time to help with the set up and preparation for this. I had an interesting conversation with the Pres. as we were walking to the opening event of this. He wanted to do a little thing that was like he was a psychic or something, but was worried that it would offend the LDS population in the school. He was not LDS, but one of the best upstanding men I have met. I explained that while LDS people don't believe in "Psychics" and contacting the dead, that we did believe in a sort of faith, and that we could take a joke. That if some one wanted to be upset or offended by that, then they were not being the way the LDS religion teaches anyway. He went on with his psychic joke and it was great. Anyway, we had many chats after that about what Mormons really believed, and it has made me wonder a lot about the question I asked before.

I got a fortune cookie the other day and it said that luck would be coming my way. Then the next few days following I read my horoscope and it said that my luck would be changing and things would fall into place regarding a very personal situation, or something like that. Now I tend to listen more to prayers and blessing and such, but I found it interesting when I received in the mail it had a letter in there informing me that my new SSI hearing had been scheduled. My representative for this called today and said she thought it looked very promising this time. I have to wonder if this is the only way that I am paying attention right now or something. It is not the usual way I get prompted, but I believe that when we are being led in a certain direction, it really doesn't matter how you get the message, just that you get it. I have a very strong testimony of the spirit. It has lead me through some pretty dark times and situations, but I am also aware that some times I am hard to get through to. Maybe it's through these other things that I am getting the message. I am aware that I may be a little stubborn. Just a little though.

OK, I am guessing that maybe I have rambled on and maybe not made mush sense. I guess that's what 1 AM might do to a person.

On a more serious note. I have a neighbor that is really having much to deal with in her life. She has an 8 year old daughter who has an inoperable brain tumor. I have watched and talked with her and am in awe as to how she is handling this. I have my problems that are difficult for me to handle, but I think about hers and realize that mine don't feel as bad anymore. I can't imagine, nor do I want to, what she is going through. Jake is 8 and I look at him and think of the future. It would be very hard to know that there wouldn't be one. Anyway, I am really feeling sad for my neighbor, but she and her family now this is the way it should be and so all of us should take an example from the strength and faith of this family. They are in my prayers and I hope many others as well.

Hopefully I'll think of something more significant to write about soon. Plus maybe I'll write it when I am totally awake.

~Christy

Sorry Ladies, I Got the Best One

2009-07-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

He is going to be mad that I wrote this, but I don't care, I Love Him

This picture above is my favorite picture. It was taken at the Senior Ball during Dan's senior year in high school. I love it for so many reasons. First of all, just look at him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall (A big deal for me) and well, he's just gorgeous. I had told my parents from the time I was really little that I was going to marry a tall, blond hair blue eyed guy. I got that and a whole lot more in Dan. Even at this point in time, which had to be somewhere around December 1988, I knew that Dan was the one. If you look in his eyes, you will see that he is a very loving compassionate person, which is the bonus that I got in being the one who gets to share my life with him.

This picture actually makes me cry sometimes. This was the picture taken at the beginning of boot camp. He looks so sad and scared or something. I really love this picture though. I call it his puppy dog eyes. I remember the day he joined the Navy. It seemed at the beginning to be the worst day of my life, but by the end of the day, he had reassured me that this was the best thing for us, that he would have a stable job and income, that we could get married and not have to be apart after a short time in boot camp. Dan has always put his concern for me before his own.

This picture is of Dan waiting in line to board the Carnival Pride cruise ship. Since he had been out of the Navy for 15 years, I guess it was safe to try being on the ocean again. We left out of Long Beach, which is where we lived during his time in the Navy, and where Dan's Ship, the USS Duncan was ported. It was a little weird to be back there and Dan refused to crack a smile until we were on the ship. He really just worried that it would never happen. We really had the best time of our lives. It was a great way for us to be able to spend time together and renew our feelings for each other. Having had me being sick for so long before this trip, the relaxation for him was huge, although he was always right there worrying about me and if I was ok. Once again putting me first before himself.

This picture is of us standing on the beach in Mazatlan. Dan took over 1200 pictures during this trip. He wanted to make sure we had a way to remember it.

So Dan has really been trying for about a year now to get fit. This is a picture of him during one of his lunch breaks last year. Can you see the Y in the background? He would hike to the Y quite often.( For those of you not native to Utah, there is a local mountain here with a concrete Y on it, signifying BYU) He has started to do this again this year. It's about 1 mile straight up and then obviously another down. He had knee surgery about 10 days ago and has already been to the Y with Jake. The knee doctor was like "Cool, well then I guess you are good to go". Dan really works hard to try and be healthy, and also to take our kids when he goes so they will be healthy too. Plus then they get to spend time together.

This is a picture of Dan with my favorite Flash Fox. I guess you could say these are two foxes. :-) Dan loves his job at the McKay Center. He has made many friends there and they love him. Dan works many long hours to make it so me and our kids can have a house to live in and all of the things we need. I hate to sound repeatative, but once again, he has put our needs above his own.

I hope that Dan will forgive me for posting all of this. He doesn't like attention drawn to him, but I feel very lucky to have been the one who gets to spend my life with him. He is a wonderful husband and great father. He would give the shirt off of his back to anyone in need and is one of the first people you will find helping some one, with no regard for himself. We had a lesson in church today about Charity and how it is the Pure Light of Christ. I think that Dan magnifies this and does carry this light in him. I hope that he knows how much I love him and our kids love him. Really, almost everyone I know or have talked to loves Dan. How could you not. The love and care and compassion that he has shown to me especially over the past few years is simply amazing, and I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel for having him.

~Christy